road Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 OK for some reason I didn't realize you were actually divorced. In that case you obviously can have a sexual or other relationship with anyone you wish. You're divorced and your ex-wife simply has no say in the matter. Yes his ex wife does have plenty to say. The OP stated that to work on recovery that she had to sign things over and divorce her BH. This XWW is holding up her end of the bargin. Legally they are divorced. Though living together and working towards recovery does not give this BH the right to start cheating on his WW. The deal agreed on did not put in place that the BH can have an open relationship and date and sleep with all the women he wants while he still lives with his WW working on recovery. 2
2sunny Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I do not have a clear head at all. After feeling the ultimate rejection by my wife's affair it's hard not to seek approval or validation from wherever you can get get it. I'd be lying if I said this attention for a co-worker wasn't exciting and didn't make me feel a little better about myself. But I also feel extremly guilty because even though nothing has happend it feels like I am doing the same thing she did. This is exactly how her affair started. I honestly don't know if I am one of those people who can get over something like this and forgive. I don't obsess on the thoughts and images as much as I did a few months ago, it's just that now when I think about her and him it makes me #1- extemely mad and 2-etremely sad. I keep thinking to myslef "is it possible to truly be in love with me like she says she is and be capable of doing what she did? This wasn't a one night stand. This lasted about 2 months and they had sex 7 times(at least that is what she told me). I think that if she really loved me that much, that at some point she would come to her senses, feel some guilt or remorse, and end it on her own. She didn't end it until after I discovered it and left. Can you love someone and do this?? No. She loves herself. And you have emotions that need to be I sorted through with a counselor before you'll be emotionally ready and open to a new "healthy" relationship.
Wanderer25 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 As long as you are not lying by omission or deceiving your wife by giving her false hope of reconciliation, go on a date... If she is misled to think that she is still with you, explain the situation and your wish to date other people and how it wouldn't be fair for her.. Though cruel, it will be her decision to after this.
Wanderer25 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I do not have a clear head at all. After feeling the ultimate rejection by my wife's affair it's hard not to seek approval or validation from wherever you can get get it. I'd be lying if I said this attention for a co-worker wasn't exciting and didn't make me feel a little better about myself. But I also feel extremly guilty because even though nothing has happend it feels like I am doing the same thing she did. This is exactly how her affair started. I honestly don't know if I am one of those people who can get over something like this and forgive. I don't obsess on the thoughts and images as much as I did a few months ago, it's just that now when I think about her and him it makes me #1- extemely mad and 2-etremely sad. I keep thinking to myslef "is it possible to truly be in love with me like she says she is and be capable of doing what she did? This wasn't a one night stand. This lasted about 2 months and they had sex 7 times(at least that is what she told me). I think that if she really loved me that much, that at some point she would come to her senses, feel some guilt or remorse, and end it on her own. She didn't end it until after I discovered it and left. Can you love someone and do this?? you have every right to run away from her..If you don't have kids, you probably should..
road Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I know what most responses will be but I need a little help. My wife had an affair 3 months ago. I found out, she ended it, quit her job(it was a co-worker) and has done everything she can to try and fix our relationship. It might have been to rash of a decision but I felt our marriage was over the minute she slept with him, so I told her we had to divorce and start all over. She agreed to everything I asked. She signed over the house and signed off on quite a bit of money to prove the only thing she cares about is restoring my faith in her. We still are living in the house and nothing has changed in the day to day mechanics of our life. I have good days and bad days. Somedays I think I can get past this pain and somedays I think there is noway I can. To everyone that says he should date OW. How did you not comprehend his first paragraph on this thread? He laid out what he needed for recovery. His WW has done everthing he required. He is still living as a family under the same roof. He is letting his WW think he is there working on recovery. Because you are a BS does not give you the right to be a lair and a cheat. By the original poster starting EA, going on dates he is only making himself a WS. 2
meandmyself Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 To everyone that says he should date OW. How did you not comprehend his first paragraph on this thread? He laid out what he needed for recovery. His WW has done everthing he required. He is still living as a family under the same roof. He is letting his WW think he is there working on recovery. Because you are a BS does not give you the right to be a lair and a cheat. By the original poster starting EA, going on dates he is only making himself a WS. I agree with you only if OP is indeed letting the WS think he is working on the reconciliation process... That would be very mean... If the OP is sincere and told her things are over, he has all the right to get over it and move on...
meandmyself Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 But she's not an OW because Ray is divorced. Ray is not a married man any longer. He may wish that weren't the case, but it is the case. For Ray to continue to believe he is constrained in forming new relationships AS IF he was STILL MARRIED is, most likely, part of the dysfunctional dynamic he continues to suffer from with his ex-wife. And of course he must accept that his wife is completely and equally UNconstrained from forming or continuing relationships with other men. If she wants him back, then let her make that clear and let her put some competitive effort into it. If not--then Ray shouldn't be passing up available opportunities for sex and/or love with other women. Only the truth if the "ex"-wife can also have other men now that they are divorced.. but I think this is just a one sided arrangement and therefore not valid...
BeholdtheMan Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 You're divorced...go have some fun I agree with not ****ting where you eat though, mixing work with play can go awry
zuzzers Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Seems after the wife cheats, you have an open door to do a little "experimentation" too! What is she going to say? She would be full of poop if she objected. If you want to experiment with the "other woman" go for it! Your wife opened the door! Seems like you should get 3 months to explore. Not for revenge but "What's good for the goose is good for the gander" After your 3 month exploration, compare notes with your wife.
Recommended Posts