Co-worker flirting with me after my wife's affair.

[raykinsella]

I know what most responses will be but I need a little help. My wife had an affair 3 months ago. I found out, she ended it, quit her job(it was a co-worker) and has done everything she can to try and fix our relationship. It might have been to rash of a decision but I felt our marriage was over the minute she slept with him, so I told her we had to divorce and start all over. She agreed to everything I asked. She signed over the house and signed off on quite a bit of money to prove the only thing she cares about is restoring my faith in her. We still are living in the house and nothing has changed in the day to day mechanics of our life. I have good days and bad days. Somedays I think I can get past this pain and somedays I think there is noway I can.

 

To the reason of this post. There is this woman at my work. She just started about 5 months ago. She's 26. I have talked to her about what I am going through a little bit. Anyways she is very attractive and recently she has started flirting with me. And I am starting to think about her quite a bit. She's younger than me and very attractive and after feeling so rejected by what my wife did it makes me feel pretty good to be desired and found affective by her. I've even found myself thinking of ways to "get in a fight" so me ex will leave for a few days and then I can ask this woman out to dinner or something. I know it's wrong and I need help sorting out these feelings. Or is it not a bad idea for me to explore these feelings? I do have a fear of being without her and being alone. And I know that shouldn't be a reason for staying and trying to rebuild a marriage and start over. I don't see any long term relationship with this co-worker. But my self esteem and confidence is so low right now, and the little comments she has made and looks and smiles she has given me has really made me feel like a man again. Absolutely nothing has happened between us. Just a few comments. But I know that's how these things start. Should I tell my ex wife about these feelings? Or do I deserve to explore this and see if my fear of being alone or starting over, and feeling so little self worth and confidence is the main reason I have chosen to start over with my ex? Maybe if I go out with this woman I will regain some self esteem and realize that I can get past this and I don't need to settle for being with a woman who could hurt me like she did. Or maybe I will realize that I really do love her and that the pain of not having her in my life is worse than the memory of what she did??

[2long]

As Dr Phil would say: "Before you can start another relationship, you have to finish this one first."

 

-ol' 2long

[BetrayedH]

If your wife is truly remorseful, keep your integrity and forgive her.

[2sunny]

People will prey on the hurt and vulnerable ones... Don't let that be you.

 

If you intend to stay married - get counseling going.

 

If not - divorce her.

[raykinsella]

Yep. Pretty much what I expected. But I don't know if I am afraid of living without her or that I just love her so much that I don't want to let go of her. I just don't know. But you make a good point about work and this being my livlihood. Point well taken. Still doesn't make it easy to walk away. But I know it's the right thing to do.

[2sure]

You are still back and forth with what you want to do , divorce or reconcile. That's natural and part of either process.

 

But while you are going through such a life altering process regarding your marriage , you should be taking a good hard look at the marriage, yourself , and your spouse.

[raykinsella]

I've read lot's of posts from people who went through something like this and actually kicked their spouse out, or their spouse left, and then at some point started seeing someone, or maybe went out on a date with someone, and it made them realize what they really wanted. That they really wanted to work things out, or some realized that their life isn't over, that life goes on and even if this person they went out with is not "the one" it made them feel better about starting over again. My ex-wife says that her affair made her realize how much she loves me, and how miserable she would have been if I left her. She says she had this moment, this "epiphany" when everything just froze and became clear to her and she said to herself "what did I do, oh my God I lost the man I love with all my heart, etc..." and since that day she has been proving to me that she does feel this way. Why would it be so wrong for me to go out and see if it has the same effect on me.....?? I'm just thinking out loud. I know the answer to this question. I know it's wrong.

[BetrayedH]

Getting to a more balanced position is a very tempting argument. It's hard to argue with "it's only fair" when you're in the BSs shoes. And to be perfectly honest, it will give your ego a temporary boost (something that is also very tempting). It sucks ass to be a betrayed spouse.

 

The problem is that it it just adds more crazy to a situation that is already entirely crazy. Speaking from experience, you underestimate how much damage this will do to your marriage. You are desperately searching for a solution to make this all stop. In the meantime, you may very well throw it away while desperately trying to save it.

 

If you love your wife, do not sleep with someone else regardless of what crazy ****ing logic your brain tries to use to justify it.

 

Just like every married person, either fix your marriage or leave it. If you go outside of your marriage, you should assume your marriage is over. Don't take that decision away from yourself.

 

You do not need to have an answer at 3 months or 6 months. Your wife can keep doing her part while you take your time to decide. You have invested years into this woman. What is a few more months really going to cost you? It may buy you clarity.

 

What you need is to clearly see her consistent actions over time. If you cannot wait any longer, you will know and should inform her of your intent to divorce her (which she will have to accept). In the meantime, stop with the crazy thoughts. Keep your wits about you. Take your time to make the right decision.

[road]

Agree with Dr Phil. Divorce before you start seeing anyone.

 

As to your hot young female flirty coworker, STOP having a relationship with her. You do not talk about personal or marraige problems with people of the opposite sex. This is how affairs start.

 

Another thing to be socialable, pleasant, etc, talk about the weather, etc, but there needs to a line that keeps opposite sex from being friends when you are married.

[raykinsella]

I did divorce her. We are still living together but we are divorced.

[BetrayedH]

I did divorce her. We are still living together but we are divorced.

 

The fact remains that you either finish this relationship with her before you start a new one or you can expect that everyone in your life will objectively view you as just as guilty of being a cheater. If you'd like the exact quote of what you should expect to hear it'll be that, "You went and did the same thig to herthat she did to you." And it will be true. And you'll get to acknowledge that for the rest of your days. If you have children together, you can look forward to explaining to them that she ****ed someone else before you ****ed someone else. That's pretty much guaranteed to be a fun conversation for you. And you'll be surprised at how much you hope she forgives YOU and can move forward with you. Any remorse she has today will be virtually gone.

 

I recommend you keep your moral high ground.

 

By the way, I speak from experience. I had permission from my wife to have my own brief affair to help us move forward. Mine lasted two days. I went home. We continued trying to reconcile. I was still a mess and felt horrible guilt while she was miserable. Things didn't get repaired and she filed for divorce about 3 months later. I lost my wife, my home, my integrity, and half my time with my children.

 

Jus trying to make sure you understand what you are risking before you make a rash decision. You don't sound convinced that you're done with your marriage yet. I don't recommend you **** someone else until you are.

[Steadfast]

You are justified in feeling anger and disappointment towards your cheating wife. No matter what she's doing now, you have every right (and cause) to divorce. Some couples make it through infidelity. Some excel. Most don't.

 

You both have to become someone very special to make it, but your flirting friend will destroy any chance of that happening. Maybe that's what you want? Regardless, know what (and who) is wrapped in that pretty package.

 

Men, I think, more than women, tend to compartmentalize when they've been betrayed. Any woman, especially a young, pretty one, is better than the cheating wife. How could you not be drawn to the one that's drawn to you? But Ms. Flirty is polishing up a vulnerable, married man. She's angling to make you a cheater. Isn't that what you're trying to get away from?

 

Make no mistake, it's a wickedstrong temptation. I've felt it too. Damn.

 

Take the advice you've been given. Run. This path is filled with heartache.

[road]

I did divorce her. We are still living together but we are divorced.

 

You divorced your WW because you told your WW that to work on recovery with your WW you needed a blank slate.

 

Your WW gave you your blank slate and is doing her part on working on recovery.

 

While you think doing your part is working on doing your new lady friend.

 

Technically you are not married. Though you still are just being a cheater because you are breaking your word after you got your WW to sign everything over.

[2long]

Okay, I'm confused. Where in the world can you get a divorce finalized in only 3 months while still living 2gether?

 

The best kind of WS is a truly remorseful, former WS. If your ex(?) is as sorry as she sounds 2 be, you'd be a fool not 2 at least try recovery, but you can't do that while you're distracted.

 

I have 2 wonder, 2, about this young, single mom and her own past. Not that it's any of my (or YOUR) business, but what relationship his2ry on her part led 2 THAT si2ation? At such a young age, she can't be emotionally healthy for another relationship herself, and certainly not with someone else's recently-divorced exH, divorced due 2 an affair, no less.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

If Ray's ex is truly interested in reconciliation then she'd better be prepared to actively compete for his attentions with other women. They're divorced now. If she's not interested enough to compete for him that's fine, but he certainly shouldn't deprive himself of other women simply to cater to some imagined issue his ex might have. If he shows that he won't take advantage of other female opportunities his ex wife will NEVER truly reconcile with him because she will figure he has no other options.

 

I don't disagree that he has every right 2 date other women if he's ac2ally divorced. What I think will happen, though, when his ex realizes he's playing the field so soon after d-day, is that he's not such prize material for reconciliation either. Recovery after discovering your spouse's affair is difficult enough when both parties are interested in reconciliation. And in my opinion really only worth trying if you've been married a long time and have kids 2gether.

 

If my si2ation had been like this one, I'd have cut my losses without considering reconciliation at all - especially if I were already divorced at this point. And I would expect that my exW would be soon 2 come 2 the same realization if she saw me "moving on" like the OP is considering. Any feelings of jealousy or desires 2 compete for his affection would be a sign of an unhealthy fu2re relationship, if there's any fu2re relationship.

 

I'd run screaming from the room, faced with that prospect.

 

-ol' 2long

[GLDheart]

Ray,

 

Stop. You're a mess. If you're not then you're not human. Your wife hurt you... Bad. How can you really believe messing around will make you feel better in the long run? In fact, head down that path and I bet the girl from work gets weirded out.

 

I DO understand of course. Who woudn't enjoy a quickie with the hottie? But use your big head for a minute. It just won't work out well for you.

[BetrayedH]

Now you probably understand why women with low self esteem that seek external validation are prone to have affairs.. It is a bitch to have low self esteem. The good news is that your low self esteem is transient and not permanent.

 

Agreed. His depression and low self-esteem are situational, not chronic. And that's when you don't want to be making life-altering decisions that compromise who you fundamentally are or risk what you ultimately want.

[Realist3]

Ray,

 

There have been some really good points brought up. One that stuck out was the comment about "adding an element of crazy to an already crazy situation." Back to that in a bit.

 

You have to ask yourself what you want from this possible escalation of the relationship with the 26yo. Is it self esteem, revenge, exit possibilities?

 

Your post made it clear you are conflicted, and yes looking for an excuse. You don't need an excuse. What you need is an understanding of what you are bringing into your situation by making the decision to "explore your feelings" with this OW. No one can tell you whether you should or should not. But, know you will be adding an element of crazy. Does that element add or subtract from your goals? Is the risk(work/further complicating your relationship with your ex) worth the reward(having some hot 26yo bang you?) Only you can answer that, but you need to go in with a clear head. By your post I don't know if you really have a clear head at the moment.

[Steadfast]

Should I tell my ex wife about these feelings? Or do I deserve to explore this and see if my fear of being alone or starting over, and feeling so little self worth and confidence is the main reason I have chosen to start over with my ex?

 

Like many of you I suspect, I didn't read this closely enough. Sheesh. Wish I could erase my old post. It's meaningless.

 

Many claim it takes a couple of years to get over a divorce. Some longer. Other than rushing back into a commitment, and the strange demographic of living with your ex, you only need to decide if you're ready or not. I'd advise not moving forward if you still have lingering feelings for the ex.

[raykinsella]

I do not have a clear head at all. After feeling the ultimate rejection by my wife's affair it's hard not to seek approval or validation from wherever you can get get it. I'd be lying if I said this attention for a co-worker wasn't exciting and didn't make me feel a little better about myself. But I also feel extremly guilty because even though nothing has happend it feels like I am doing the same thing she did. This is exactly how her affair started.

 

I honestly don't know if I am one of those people who can get over something like this and forgive. I don't obsess on the thoughts and images as much as I did a few months ago, it's just that now when I think about her and him it makes me #1- extemely mad and 2-etremely sad. I keep thinking to myslef "is it possible to truly be in love with me like she says she is and be capable of doing what she did? This wasn't a one night stand. This lasted about 2 months and they had sex 7 times(at least that is what she told me). I think that if she really loved me that much, that at some point she would come to her senses, feel some guilt or remorse, and end it on her own. She didn't end it until after I discovered it and left. Can you love someone and do this??

[Realist3]

I keep thinking to myslef "is it possible to truly be in love with me like she says she is and be capable of doing what she did? This wasn't a one night stand. This lasted about 2 months and they had sex 7 times(at least that is what she told me). I think that if she really loved me that much, that at some point she would come to her senses, feel some guilt or remorse, and end it on her own. She didn't end it until after I discovered it and left. Can you love someone and do this??

 

Being "in love" and "loving" someone are two very different things. Being in love is actually a fleeting emotion for most people. She had the affair because there was something she was getting outside of what you two shared. As I said on another thread. Affairs are a symptom, not the cause. Whether you two can find the root cause and deal with that is a huge unknown. It will take both of you to figure it out and whether you can progress. Until you do figure that out everything else is window dressing.

 

And I certainly empathize with your situation with the co-worker. Huge ego boost. If you don't you may regret it for the rest of your life. If you do, it may spell the end of any hope of reconcilliation with your ex. Tough choice.

 

You need to prioritize what is most important to you right now, and then roll with that whatever the outcome may be. Just be congizant of the consequences.

[Realist3]

But she's not an OW because Ray is divorced.

 

Ray is not a married man any longer. He may wish that weren't the case, but it is the case.

 

For Ray to continue to believe he is constrained in forming new relationships AS IF he was STILL MARRIED is, most likely, part of the dysfunctional dynamic he continues to suffer from with his ex-wife.

 

And of course he must accept that his wife is completely and equally UNconstrained from forming or continuing relationships with other men.

 

If she wants him back, then let her make that clear and let her put some competitive effort into it. If not--then Ray shouldn't be passing up available opportunities for sex and/or love with other women.

 

I agree totally!

[Mr. Lucky]

There is this woman at my work. She just started about 5 months ago. She's 26. I have talked to her about what I am going through a little bit. Anyways she is very attractive and recently she has started flirting with me. And I am starting to think about her quite a bit. She's younger than me and very attractive and after feeling so rejected by what my wife did it makes me feel pretty good to be desired and found affective by her.

I'm surprised no one is mentioning your friend's feelings. She's not a concept ("attractive younger female"), she's an actual person. Do you really want to do her the disfavor of dragging her into the middle of your yet-to-be resolved relationship with your wife? Not a lot of good karma in treating people that way and then even worse to have to face her in the workplace each day. Bad idea on many levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

I'm surprised no one is mentioning your friend's feelings. She's not a concept ("attractive younger female"), she's an actual person. Do you really want to do her the disfavor of dragging her into the middle of your yet-to-be resolved relationship with your wife? Not a lot of good karma in treating people that way and then even worse to have to face her in the workplace each day. Bad idea on many levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Gotta agree with this, too. Other women's hearts get broken.

[Steadfast]

I keep thinking to myslef "is it possible to truly be in love with me like she says she is and be capable of doing what she did? This wasn't a one night stand. This lasted about 2 months and they had sex 7 times (at least that is what she told me). I think that if she really loved me that much, that at some point she would come to her senses, feel some guilt or remorse, and end it on her own. She didn't end it until after I discovered it and left. Can you love someone and do this??

 

No. In my opinion. You can not. You can 'love' certain things about a spouse, you can 'love' what you've accomplished together, both personally and financially. You can even need them, or depend on them. But no; you can't love your spouse and have sex with someone else. In my opinion.

 

Making it worse is the timetable and circumstance. Just how long would it have went on if you didn't find out and act? My ex told me. Straight up. I hated it but I see now that -at least- she had the balls to confess. But, she was done. There was no going back for her. She wanted out and she went.

 

I can say that some cheating spouses do profoundly know (or discover) what they've done and realize a deep love for the spouse that was dead or hiding before. My pop did. That's how he described it. Things were fine in his affair until the very real possibility came that he could lose his wife forever. When that reality hit it devastated him. His words. His wife and family suddenly became the most important thing in the world. But, as he said, that realization came at a very high cost: her innocence. Not his.

 

He never got over taking that away. He took it to his death bed.

 

Look...why don't you take a breath and relax? Let the dust settle a bit. Tell the ex exactly how you feel. See if she gets it. She if she's willing to put in the work needed for you to trust and love her like a husband is supposed to.

 

Search your soul. Do you still love our ex, or are you afraid of life without her? Which emotion is stronger? Fear or love? There's your answer.

Edited November 27, 2012 by Steadfast