...not doing too well.

[Buns]

Hello everyone,

 

I just need to vent a bit, I hope someone reads this and gives me some friendly word, I'm not doing well at all...

 

My ex and I broke up 2 months and 3 days ago.

 

We had a bit of a rocky relationship, I left him twice because I was having doubts but we got back together and we loved each other very very much. About 6 months ago I was having some personnal issues and I wasn't very nice to him for a couple of months.. Just arguing a lot and being a bit distant. This was in April and May. End of june he told me he ws having doubts, from that I put everything I had into our relationship, did everything for him, tried to make it work, I love him so much and new that he was the person I wanted to marry. Then he started acting funny, always changing the code on his phone, leaving it on silent, always putting it face down. I asked him if he was cheating, he said that I was paranoid.

I got 2 calls from a woman telling me to leave him alone, that he was cheating on me, and had been for months. I told him and he said that it was just some crazy woman. I believed him.

 

Then one night we were having a chat about a friend of mine who had been cheated on 9 times, he said "I can understand forgiving somone who cheated once or twice, but never 9 times!" . This flicked a switch in my brain - he's always said to me cheating in unforgiveable. So I managed to figure out the code to his phone, and read his messages.

 

I found conversations with a woman, they said "I love you to eachother", he said that he was fed up of hiding their relationship, she said it was great that time in his office (referring to sex)... I couldn't read any more, I confronted him, he said she was just a friend, that he had to hide friends because I'm so jealous (erm - since when?!), he deleted the whole conversation in front of me and basically tried to convince me that it was all in my head. Told me he never cheated, and says the same to everyone else. I told him that I was going away for a week and he needed to think about things. At the end of the week he told me that he hadn't missed me and that it was over.

 

I was heartbroken , I lost 7 kg in a week, didn't eat, didn't sleep.. I text him asking him to give us another chance, that I love him so much, that I don't want to be without him. He rarely aswers, and if he does he just says stuff like "you'll be fine, don't worry".

 

I've been doing a bit better for a week, I don't cry as much and manage to go out and see people and get a decents nights sleep.

 

I found out yesterday that my dad is very ill and hasn't got long to live, and yesterday evening my ex text me saying "I heard about your, stay strong, you always have been so carry on! go and see him, spend time with him. lots and lots of love". I text back saying that I didn't want to live my life without him, that I've been living hell without him, that I love him so much... he text back saying that he wasn't happy when he was with me but that he was now...

 

I was doing better, and that's just knocked me back down, I hardly slept last night, just crying and feeling panicky. I'm having some pretty dark thoughts again, thinking that I woldn't be botherd if my life ended because I can't see my life without him.

 

I think I would have preferred it if he hadn't text me, what do you think? I don't know what to do, I love him so much, and I miss him so much. I feel like I'm never going to get over this.Will I ever get over this? I have so many regrets...

[bpdr]

I found out yesterday that my dad is very ill and hasn't got long to live, and yesterday evening my ex text me saying "I heard about your, stay strong, you always have been so carry on! go and see him, spend time with him. lots and lots of love". I text back saying that I didn't want to live my life without him, that I've been living hell without him, that I love him so much... he text back saying that he wasn't happy when he was with me but that he was now...

 

I was doing better, and that's just knocked me back down, I hardly slept last night, just crying and feeling panicky. I'm having some pretty dark thoughts again, thinking that I woldn't be botherd if my life ended because I can't see my life without him.

 

I think I would have preferred it if he hadn't text me, what do you think? I don't know what to do, I love him so much, and I miss him so much. I feel like I'm never going to get over this.Will I ever get over this? I have so many regrets...

 

Go complete NC with him. This fella has already emotionally checked out. Focus on your Father (And I mean that/been there) Begin focusing on your dad, and maintaining NC and let your ex go. It's so sad that you are having to deal with all of this right now. My prayers are with you, and best wishes to your father.

[Samms22]

You need to CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. Delete your messages, pictures, block him from your phone if you can, and stop begging him. It sounds harsh, but in order to get over him and move on, you need to delete your pictures, videos, emails, texts, and block him from all modes of conversation.

 

He cheated on you. It's not in your head. It's not your fault. You can do better. Evil people make you feel insecure and pretend like your crazy when you aren't. Drop him he isn't worth your time.

 

I know the added stresses of life and your father make everything 100000 times worse but you DO NOT NEED him to be happy or satisfied. You only need yourself.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and your father. I wish you only the best, but do No Contact and spend the precious time you have left with your family and especially your father.

[Buns]

Thank you so much for your answers... It hurts so much that he can't even be honest with me and admit that yes he cheated, and perhaps even say sorry (not even take me back - just apologize for being an idiot). I felt like I was living a lie now for months, I was doing everything for him, trying to make it work, and now I just feel like a fool...

 

My daddy is really angry at him for hurting me so much, I'm just trying to be there for him now.

 

I'm angry at my ex for having text me about my dad, a few nice words but that's it, he's not even going to be there for me to help me cope ....

 

I'm going NC now for sure (I have already told myself this before and it didn't work - but I'm hoping I'll be stronger this time).

 

Thank you again for your replies.

[Samms22]

I, quite literally, understand completely and utterly how you feel. I felt the same way... like the one you cared about and invested so much time in wasn't the person you thought they were and turned out to have the character of a wart. Take it from me: consider yourself LUCKY that this guy showed his true colors now instead of at a time when you were stuck with him. You dodged a bullet! I know men like this and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

Spend your energy helping your father. Take the fact that he's not using nice words to help you as the nail in the coffin: he wasn't who you thought he was. Accept the reality of who he is as a person, not who you THINK he is or should be.

 

And a last warning, Buns: he will try to weave you into his web again and he will try to contact you. I give you my word that in 30 days from now if you have NO contact, no messages and no sight of him whether on Facebook or otherwise, the pain will be almost gone, but it requires strength of will.

 

Post here if you want to contact him. It helps. And the urges go away. After 2 weeks of NC, I came to the realization today that I would rather my EX not contact me and I can't believe I was ever so upset! What I do that works is eat healthily, go to the gym, and treat yourself right. Also, taking vitamins and minerals as suppliments really helps. Take vitamin C and vitamin B1 as well as a B Complex. It helps with mental functions as well as processing of grief.

[Buns]

I do really feel like it's all my fault though... If I hadn't been horrible, he wouldn't have cheated...

I have already broken my NC rule... I text him "In April you told me you loved me more than anything...and now it's as if you hate me..." No answer from him.

I don't like living with so many regrets ....

 

On another note, I went and got myself some vitamins that I shall be taking every morning. I'm also trying to eat healthier... Salmon with vegetetables this eveneing!

[Samms22]

The regrets go away with time. Good job on the vitamins and eating. Salmon is delicious! Just remember that with time, all things heal. Don't get into blame and regret. He should haves stepped up to the plate and talked about the issues in the relationship instead of cheating. That showed you his character.

 

And GO NC. NO CONTACT. PLEASE. Trust me. It works, it's hard, like pulling off a band aid, but it works.

[Buns]

Yes I'd just wished he'd been honest....

NC as from now, it's just pointless anyway, he doesn't answer...

I had really vivid dreams about him all night, woke up feeling awful... I just want a peaceful night, no dreams.. Because yes I can force myself to stop thinking about him in the day, but I can't control my dreams, and I dream about him every night!

[portableversion]

sorry buns. Ive been dealing with this myself. I wanted to try counseling but all my ex wanted to do was throw me out of the house and hope i "got the picture". We went to 2 therapy sessions the 1st time i thought it was great and we could make progress but she bailed for whatever reason. The 2nd time we wnet i was extremely stressed out, i was living in a strange place with strange people who had a lot of parties going on , i was working 50+hours a week and had for a month only slept 3hrs a night. When we went ot that hteapy session i was definitely in a messed up state of mind. I was grouchy and lasshed out, she used that as an excuse to file for divorce. Bottom line she wa chasing this guy for prbably about 2 yrs, and they have finally gotten together. Sad thing is is that i still love her depsite her excessive temper, and our crappy sex life we had for 10 yrs or so. Love hurts bad. DOnt kills ur self. Me ive been going to church alot. And therapy. She always said i was obsessed about sex and said i was ocd. I was so nice to finally get tested by a trained professional who verified that no i do not have ocd. I t was just more of her insults against my character. I have to wonder if she ever loved me at all. Shed insult me for having a "fixation "over her giving me a certain type of oral sex but i have evidence that shes does that for her new boyfriend. It been so hard since we have kids and i invested so much of myself into trying to make it work, but no contact is probably the best thing.

SHe had been telling me since after our divorce that she misses me and thinks of us geeting back together, and she has no one else in her life. I think it just all a bunch of lies. For some reason shes afraid to be honest and we never could have good productive conversations to get anything figured out. SHe d get mad and start insulting me or make promises she would never keep. Problems got bad when i got drunk and blew up at her when she started to talk smack to me, i told her i was drunk and could not talk but she laid into me and i blew it and the kids overheard it, and that became a mantr as to why i was a crappy hubby and we needed the divorce. IM in aa now, not sure if i am an alcoholic or not. everyone there has drank way more than me and committed way worse atrocities than me.

Life is hard now. Just gotta move on and accept that she never loved me and never wanted to try to make it work. If someone really loved u they would not give up so easliy and move on with another partner.

I really feel for you hang in there.

Mnay times i felt death would be easier to deal with than such outright rejection. SOmeway somehow i have escaped suicide my self.

BItter irony is that we never went on dates cosue she could not trust any one to watch the kids but now she has a sitter and its me. She uses me so she can have quality time with her boyfriend. The injustice of the situation is extreme. Hang in there buns dont hurt ur self. try going to church it does not work over night but give it time and u'll start to feel better.

My ex thinks im psycho that i still cry over hte divorce, sometimes i wonder if she enjoys that im so depressed. Gotta try to avoid talking to her as much as possible. Yeah and i ask my self why do i love her? why and when will it go away.

[Toddbt12y1]

Oh dear, do not kill yourself for one over this evil Guy. Two, I really will be praying for you and your dad. Block him, you are too amazing for him. Don't excuse what he did to you, because of past arguements. His actions are his own...inexcusable. you are amazing...I wish you all the best.

[Buns]

sorry buns. Ive been dealing with this myself. I wanted to try counseling but all my ex wanted to do was throw me out of the house and hope i "got the picture". We went to 2 therapy sessions the 1st time i thought it was great and we could make progress but she bailed for whatever reason. The 2nd time we wnet i was extremely stressed out, i was living in a strange place with strange people who had a lot of parties going on , i was working 50+hours a week and had for a month only slept 3hrs a night. When we went ot that hteapy session i was definitely in a messed up state of mind. I was grouchy and lasshed out, she used that as an excuse to file for divorce. Bottom line she wa chasing this guy for prbably about 2 yrs, and they have finally gotten together. Sad thing is is that i still love her depsite her excessive temper, and our crappy sex life we had for 10 yrs or so. Love hurts bad. DOnt kills ur self. Me ive been going to church alot. And therapy. She always said i was obsessed about sex and said i was ocd. I was so nice to finally get tested by a trained professional who verified that no i do not have ocd. I t was just more of her insults against my character. I have to wonder if she ever loved me at all. Shed insult me for having a "fixation "over her giving me a certain type of oral sex but i have evidence that shes does that for her new boyfriend. It been so hard since we have kids and i invested so much of myself into trying to make it work, but no contact is probably the best thing.

SHe had been telling me since after our divorce that she misses me and thinks of us geeting back together, and she has no one else in her life. I think it just all a bunch of lies. For some reason shes afraid to be honest and we never could have good productive conversations to get anything figured out. SHe d get mad and start insulting me or make promises she would never keep. Problems got bad when i got drunk and blew up at her when she started to talk smack to me, i told her i was drunk and could not talk but she laid into me and i blew it and the kids overheard it, and that became a mantr as to why i was a crappy hubby and we needed the divorce. IM in aa now, not sure if i am an alcoholic or not. everyone there has drank way more than me and committed way worse atrocities than me.

Life is hard now. Just gotta move on and accept that she never loved me and never wanted to try to make it work. If someone really loved u they would not give up so easliy and move on with another partner.

I really feel for you hang in there.

Mnay times i felt death would be easier to deal with than such outright rejection. SOmeway somehow i have escaped suicide my self.

BItter irony is that we never went on dates cosue she could not trust any one to watch the kids but now she has a sitter and its me. She uses me so she can have quality time with her boyfriend. The injustice of the situation is extreme. Hang in there buns dont hurt ur self. try going to church it does not work over night but give it time and u'll start to feel better.

My ex thinks im psycho that i still cry over hte divorce, sometimes i wonder if she enjoys that im so depressed. Gotta try to avoid talking to her as much as possible. Yeah and i ask my self why do i love her? why and when will it go away.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this too

 

From what you write it looks to me like you did so much for your relationship, and she didn't do anything. You should be proud for having done so much, she will regret it, even if she doesn't see it now.

 

I know why I love him, but I'm asking myself the same thing as you..when will it go away...

[Buns]

Oh dear, do not kill yourself for one over this evil Guy. Two, I really will be praying for you and your dad. Block him, you are too amazing for him. Don't excuse what he did to you, because of past arguements. His actions are his own...inexcusable. you are amazing...I wish you all the best.

 

Thank you so much... I'm starting to realize that his actions are his own, but when we broke up he just told me that it was all my fault, he wouldn't have cheated if I'd been a better girlfriend... That's all I could think about for a while...

[Buns]

Oh God he's right, I did ruin everything, if I had been a better girlfriend he wouldn't have cheated and everything would have worked out, I love him so much, and he loved me so much too at one point. But now all he says is that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wasn't happy but now he is, and that he was never truly "himself" when he was with me....

 

I feel awful, this week he's in New York. That trip was supposed to be his birthday present from me, we were supposed to go together... But now I'm here, on my own, and he's having a great time. Christmas is coming up, I wish with all my heart that I was spending it with him, buying him presents, and having a good time. I love him so much, I don't want to live with these regrets for the rest of my life... I'm never going to find someone who loved me as much as he did before I ruined it all...

[Pinky777]

Oh God he's right, I did ruin everything, if I had been a better girlfriend he wouldn't have cheated and everything would have worked out, I love him so much, and he loved me so much too at one point. But now all he says is that he doesn't love me anymore and that he wasn't happy but now he is, and that he was never truly "himself" when he was with me....

QUOTE]

 

OMG NO!!! That says so much more about his lousy character than you!! Don't you believe that for a second! Look, I'm sure things were done on both sides in the actual relationship, but he was the ONLY one that RUINED the relationship by cheating, not you! How cowardly and horrible of him to blame it on you! He's saying these things to absolve some of his guilt and dumpt some of the blame on you. If he didn't have the balls to end things or to talk to you like a man when things were so horrible that he couldn't be himeself, that's his failure, not yours. I know it's so hard and that you can't just get over your feelings like that but he doesn't deserve for you to feel so horrible over him.

 

My ex-husband cheated on me too, and not only that he couldn't admit it to me for months. Made me belive he was leaving mostly because of ME. I felt like a failure and a horrible person for so long. It wasn't until I found out his "girlfriend" was carrying his kid that I discovered the truth and still ,he had the balls to blame the end of the marriage on me! People are unreal. It took a long time but there came a point where his actioins became so disgusting to me and he didn't care, and I did, that I just kind of pushed it away and got over it. Not over IT but over him. He didn't deserve me tears anymore. You deserve better too. Please NC for any reason! He's playing games with you and messing wiht your feelings. It's so hard but it will get better. It's hard to hear that but it's the truth.

[Buns]

He did talk to me about having doubts, so I did everything to make it work, I tried for months and months, I thought everything was going to be OK, I feel like such a fool for putting so much into the relationship and thinking it was going to work but all along he was with someone else. He made me put my heart and soul into it for nothing. I don't know why he asked me to change, why he told me he was having doubts, he should have just broken up with me... Instead of giving me false hope, it just hurt even more...