I am the other woman (well sort of)

[countrylass]

I think I’ve just ruined a whole bunch of relationships and lost a whole lot of friends.

 

Very briefly, there is a dear friend of mine (male) that had moved interstate with his girlfriend a few years ago. He moved back up here for work about a year ago and told me he had split with his girlfriend (I didn’t really care about that, I didn’t like her very much). About 6 months ago him and I started sleeping together, it was just casual at first but has developed since then.

 

She arrives up here, unannounced, a week ago and as luck would have it we were in his back yard having a picnic fooling around a bit and she saw us. Her and I ended up if a massive fight and she ended up in hospital and I have been charged. In case it’s not obvious they had never split up so I was basically the other woman to her.

 

Now he is spreading rumors around that I seduced him, I promised to keep it all quiet, I got him drunk, I threatened to tell her if he said no and all this other BS. I never knew they were still together. For some reason though most of our friends are siding with him, I have been cut off from the group. Even my best friend said that she now could never trust me alone with her boyfriend.

 

This guy, who I thought was one of my best male friends, has ruined my life and my reputation. I am now the other woman, I see people pointing, it’s just wrong through. He has come through with everyone feeling sorry for him, this guy is just a prick.

 

I have lost friends, I have lost respect in the community. I am a personal trainer and I have lost pretty much every married man that I was training so my business is now suffering. This is just rubbish, I did nothing wrong, well not knowingly anyway. I just cannot prove it.

 

He admits to our relationship and all the sex we had and his girlfriend is still with him, the community feel sorry for him. Life sucks at the moment. Wish I was a man.

[countrylass]

I had no choice. This woman came from nowhere and attacked me. To me I was just defending myself but I guess because I was fitter and stronger I ended up on top and she ended up with a broken jaw.

 

Of course all the police see is the aftermath. I have a few scratches and she is in hospital.

[countrylass]

I really have no choice but to move now do I?

 

It wont be a bad thing for me, I have picked up some modelling work in the city before and have been offered a lot more but was reluctant to move. Now my hand had been forced so I guess that is where I will head. It just feels like I am confirming what they believe by running.

 

Yes it was all hush hush. But as all good cheaters are good liars he had his reasons and I was a sucker. I've learned my lesson, trust no one.

 

It's more losing my best friend that hurts. We have been very close. I have slept in the same bed as them after parties (nothing sexual). She obviously has some underlying issues with me before this and that is what hurts.

[Artie Lang]

i agree, you shouldn't be the one left "holding the bag."

 

if what you say is true, and you didn't know, you should definetly clear up your name. i'm sure you saved some of the "lovey dovey" stuff he sent to you, i mean emails and/or texts. i'd make those public for all to see.

 

you shouldn't be forced out of your community because of this lying POS. at least try fighting for your reputation and integrity back. even if you still have to move, at least you can say you tried to bring the truth to light.

 

NOW WAY I'D LEAVE WITHOUT A FIGHT.....NO F*CKING WAY!!!

 

 

(if what you say is true-- you didn't know)

Edited November 25, 2012 by Artie Lang

[countrylass]

i'm sure you saved some of the "lovey dovey" stuff he sent to you, i mean emails and/or texts. i'd make those public for all to see.

 

you shouldn't be forced out of your community because of this lying POS. at least try fighting for your reputation and integrity back. even if you still have to move, at least you can say you tried to bring the truth to light.

 

This is where he is obviously well versed in the art of cheating. I have plenty of texts but they are very well written. I know what they mean but to an independent person they are just plain normal texts. Things like 'see you for tea', 'had fun last night'... they could mean anything.

 

And then there's the others like 'I wish I could stop', now I know it means I wish I could stop thinking about you because we had talked about that in person. To an independent person he is trying to stop the relationship he knows is wrong. I used that one as an example because that is exactly what a friend who I showed the texts to said. It's almost like I have been set up from the very beginning.

 

The positive out of this is I now know some people that I thought were just acquaintances are real friends, unfortunately the reverse is also true.

 

He has contacted me through a 'friend' and says he wants to meet and explain. If I was devious I would have camera's set up and let the world see and hear the real him.

[alexandria35]

If you honestly didn't know he was still with his gf, why do you think everyone was so quick to believe him over you? That every single person believes him over you, including your own best friend, makes me think there is more to this story. If everything you say about this situation is completely true then is there something in your history that would lead people to disbelieve you? Have you been an OW before? Or is there something about you that sets off alarm bells with women? Being too flirty? Acting inappropriately? Not respecting boundaries? etc. I'm not taking their side, it does sound like you got a bad rap, but sometimes it does help to take a good look at ourselves and question if we have done anything to contribute to others perception of us.

 

Are you going to meet him to hear his explanation? If so is there a way that you could take a small recording device? I used to have a tiny mp3 player, it was smaller than a disposable lighter, that could record and it worked pretty darn good. I never used it to record anyone in secret but once I accidentally put it on record and then stuck it in my pocket and I was surprised by how well it picked up conversation. That's just a possibility but on the other hand maybe you're just better off moving and leaving the drama behind you.

[Artie Lang]

if you are going to meet him, i suggest you carry a VAR with you.

 

 

those communications you have that seem benign to suggest a mutual relationship, nonetheless. you shouldn't worry about who started the f*cking thing, only that BOTH of you were engaged in it.

 

i say make public what you have and let the chips fly. if his GF is that naive to believe an affair is a one-sided thing, then she's dumber than most. that means she's in denial and wants to rugsweep the thing.

 

 

i agree with alexandria. it just doesn't make sense that you would be outcast so swiftly, without pleading your case. you're so very quick to move and sever all ties; sounds like a "cut'n run" deal to me.

 

 

(if what you say is true.)

Edited November 25, 2012 by Artie Lang

[countrylass]

There seems to be much confusion over timeline of events so I’ll give a timeline a go.

 

I grew up with this guy. We have been together on occasions but never boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

He found himself a girlfriend in the city. He used to commute to the city on weekends to see her.

 

3 years ago (August 2009) he moved with her interstate.

 

July 2011 he moved back here. He told me at this time he and his girlfriend were going to try a long distance relationship. There was plenty of phone calls, texts and emails to see they were still in contact.

 

November 2011 - he tells me they have broken up. This is where I now know the lies started. He tells me I need to keep it quiet because his family have been through some difficulties and they loved this girl to bits and it would just be another knock they didn’t need. This is all true, they had a devastating 12 months and were all on the brink. I am the only one he confided in, everyone else thinks they are still together. At this stage nothing had happened between us.

 

January 2012 - I start seeing him more often, only as friends, and spending a fair bit of time at his house. He never got phone calls from her, never got text messages, never got emails. When his phone rang he would quite often ask me to answer it. He left his computer on with email open. It never looked like he was trying to hide anything from me. Sure he was hiding the fact they split from everyone but I knew it all. How foolish was I? At this stage nothing has happened between us.

 

Late January 2012 – he tells me he is going to tell his parents. Pretty much at my prompting, so we can get it out in the open and all help his parents through whatever fallout there is. I know this sounds lame, but you need to know his parents and family dynamic to know that this was going to be big news to them. At this stage nothing had happened between us.

 

Before he gets a chance to tell them his dad has a heart attack and his mum is struggling to hold it together after three previous deaths in the family in just over a year.

 

February 2012 – He is under pressure, he wants to make it public but his mum will not take it well and she is very fragile. One night when he is at my place we end up sleeping together. This was the first time since he had been back. It was a once off and we both agreed it wasn’t going to happen again. It wasn’t really what I wanted but with all his family issues I was in no position to ask for more.

 

March 2012 – I am seeing him (and his family) a lot more (only as friends) helping him work through things. This is where our friends start asking if anything was going on between us and I told the truth which was no. Now I’m sure they would have asked him the same thing and obviously his answer was no as well. What he said to them when they asked about his girlfriend and why she never visited, I have no idea.

 

June 2012 – Things are getting better and I start bringing up whether he should make public the split with the girlfriend. He says while his mum and dad are around he doesn’t think he ever can and starts talking about leaving, moving back to the city. Now this is the first time I made any sort of move on him. I asked him to stay, for me. I confessed that I had fallen for him and I had wanted to move things forward for a while but was waiting for the right time. He tells me he doesn’t want a girlfriend (Ouch!!) and we pretty much become friends with benefits. This is where the sexual relationship started.

 

Our friends know something is going on and warn me off him. I can’t defend myself with the truth because I am sworn to secrecy so I just tell them they are wrong. I again ask him to come clean with it all and he says soon.

 

September 2012 – We have now developed into a full on relationship and he calls me his girlfriend. He tells me that I have restored his confidence and his family love me and his is going to tell the world he loves me.

 

He gets called away for work and says the world will know when he comes back. He is gone for 6 weeks. In this time my friends are grilling me over what has been happening, they are sure we are sleeping together but I keep up the charade and tell them we have been friends since we were in nappies and I am just a friend helping a friend in need.

 

November 2012 – He’s back! I missed him so much. It was a Thursday night. On the Saturday he says lets have a picnic, obviously we can’t go to the park like a normal couple so just in his back yard. The next day was a BBQ at his parents and he was going to tell the world about us. Honestly, I was so excited…………………. And then BAMM, I cop a boot in the head (when she attacked me). The rest of the story you know.

 

So sure in hindsight I should have picked up on the little signs thay may have given it away but as it happened there was a explanation for everything that happened. I still don’t understand why his girlfriend never seemed to call, text or email and why she never visited but I guess now I never will.

 

I have probably exaggerated the amount of friends I have lost when I said ‘most’, it’s probably 50/50 at the moment. I think a lot of them want to believe me but I have been lying to them now for a year (thanks to him) and I guess that’s hard for them to ignore. I’m hoping they will come around when I get a chance to explain. As for those that aren’t friends and are just hearing the rumors well I can’t control them, It’s hurting my business but apart from legal action in the future there is little I can do.

 

As for my best friend saying she could never again trust me alone with her boyfriend, well that’s just come from nowhere. Once things quieten out I will have to have it out with her over that.

 

I hope this helps explain a little. I can see how from the outside it seems as though I must have known but I can assure you I didn’t. Whether I was just naive or whether anyone could have fallen for this is a matter of opinion I guess.

[2sunny]

I had no choice. This woman came from nowhere and attacked me. To me I was just defending myself but I guess because I was fitter and stronger I ended up on top and she ended up with a broken jaw.

 

Of course all the police see is the aftermath. I have a few scratches and she is in hospital.

 

It didn't just happen - you had to beat her badly to break her jaw.

 

You beating her up is what most people likely disdain. It's terrible you would do that... To anyone.

 

You pick lousy friends. I'd move.

[2sunny]

There seems to be much confusion over timeline of events so I’ll give a timeline a go.

 

I grew up with this guy. We have been together on occasions but never boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

He found himself a girlfriend in the city. He used to commute to the city on weekends to see her.

 

3 years ago (August 2009) he moved with her interstate.

 

July 2011 he moved back here. He told me at this time he and his girlfriend were going to try a long distance relationship. There was plenty of phone calls, texts and emails to see they were still in contact.

 

November 2011 - he tells me they have broken up. This is where I now know the lies started. He tells me I need to keep it quiet because his family have been through some difficulties and they loved this girl to bits and it would just be another knock they didn’t need. This is all true, they had a devastating 12 months and were all on the brink. I am the only one he confided in, everyone else thinks they are still together. At this stage nothing had happened between us.

 

January 2012 - I start seeing him more often, only as friends, and spending a fair bit of time at his house. He never got phone calls from her, never got text messages, never got emails. When his phone rang he would quite often ask me to answer it. He left his computer on with email open. It never looked like he was trying to hide anything from me. Sure he was hiding the fact they split from everyone but I knew it all. How foolish was I? At this stage nothing has happened between us.

 

Late January 2012 – he tells me he is going to tell his parents. Pretty much at my prompting, so we can get it out in the open and all help his parents through whatever fallout there is. I know this sounds lame, but you need to know his parents and family dynamic to know that this was going to be big news to them. At this stage nothing had happened between us.

 

Before he gets a chance to tell them his dad has a heart attack and his mum is struggling to hold it together after three previous deaths in the family in just over a year.

 

February 2012 – He is under pressure, he wants to make it public but his mum will not take it well and she is very fragile. One night when he is at my place we end up sleeping together. This was the first time since he had been back. It was a once off and we both agreed it wasn’t going to happen again. It wasn’t really what I wanted but with all his family issues I was in no position to ask for more.

 

March 2012 – I am seeing him (and his family) a lot more (only as friends) helping him work through things. This is where our friends start asking if anything was going on between us and I told the truth which was no. Now I’m sure they would have asked him the same thing and obviously his answer was no as well. What he said to them when they asked about his girlfriend and why she never visited, I have no idea.

 

June 2012 – Things are getting better and I start bringing up whether he should make public the split with the girlfriend. He says while his mum and dad are around he doesn’t think he ever can and starts talking about leaving, moving back to the city. Now this is the first time I made any sort of move on him. I asked him to stay, for me. I confessed that I had fallen for him and I had wanted to move things forward for a while but was waiting for the right time. He tells me he doesn’t want a girlfriend (Ouch!!) and we pretty much become friends with benefits. This is where the sexual relationship started.

 

Our friends know something is going on and warn me off him. I can’t defend myself with the truth because I am sworn to secrecy so I just tell them they are wrong. I again ask him to come clean with it all and he says soon.

 

September 2012 – We have now developed into a full on relationship and he calls me his girlfriend. He tells me that I have restored his confidence and his family love me and his is going to tell the world he loves me.

 

He gets called away for work and says the world will know when he comes back. He is gone for 6 weeks. In this time my friends are grilling me over what has been happening, they are sure we are sleeping together but I keep up the charade and tell them we have been friends since we were in nappies and I am just a friend helping a friend in need.

 

November 2012 – He’s back! I missed him so much. It was a Thursday night. On the Saturday he says lets have a picnic, obviously we can’t go to the park like a normal couple so just in his back yard. The next day was a BBQ at his parents and he was going to tell the world about us. Honestly, I was so excited…………………. And then BAMM, I cop a boot in the head (when she attacked me). The rest of the story you know.

 

So sure in hindsight I should have picked up on the little signs thay may have given it away but as it happened there was a explanation for everything that happened. I still don’t understand why his girlfriend never seemed to call, text or email and why she never visited but I guess now I never will.

 

I have probably exaggerated the amount of friends I have lost when I said ‘most’, it’s probably 50/50 at the moment. I think a lot of them want to believe me but I have been lying to them now for a year (thanks to him) and I guess that’s hard for them to ignore. I’m hoping they will come around when I get a chance to explain. As for those that aren’t friends and are just hearing the rumors well I can’t control them, It’s hurting my business but apart from legal action in the future there is little I can do.

 

As for my best friend saying she could never again trust me alone with her boyfriend, well that’s just come from nowhere. Once things quieten out I will have to have it out with her over that.

 

I hope this helps explain a little. I can see how from the outside it seems as though I must have known but I can assure you I didn’t. Whether I was just naive or whether anyone could have fallen for this is a matter of opinion I guess.

 

So you DID know you were his secret...?

 

Yet you settled for sex but no dating in public... Hmmmm.

 

You knew.

 

It never needs to be a secret when folks are honest.

 

You knew.

[2sunny]

Oops - you can't move until you face the charges against you.

 

You may have to pay her medical bills too...

[alexandria35]

Oh wow! That timeline really puts it all into perspective. You really got set up by this guy. This truly illustrates why it's always a bad idea to go along with secrets. I can see why some of your friends have turned on you. It wasn't your fault but since he had them all believing he was still with the gf they must of thought you knew that too. Then when they asked you about what was going on between you two you lied to protect him from whatever fallout he had you believing would happen. Now that the truth of your relationship has come out your friends don't believe your side of the story because they figure you've been lying all along anyways. I'm sorry this happened to you but there are some lessons to be learned here. Don't lie to your best friends and never let a man keep your romantic relationship a secret from his friends and family.

[Saba]

I agree with 2Sunny, are you sure it is the affair people are having a problem with because I know I would want to distance myself from a person who broke someones jaw!!

 

I do not understand women getting into physical fights!

[countrylass]

I know I would want to distance myself from a person who broke someones jaw!!

 

Do you have a problem with someone defending themselves?

 

I was sitting on a rug in his backyard enjoying the sunshine and next thing I get kicked in the back of the head. She jumps on me and we fight a bit. At this stage I don't even know who it is. He pulls her off me and we are standing apart. She comes running towards me and I stiff arm her, she runs into my arm and breaks her jaw. I did not swing at her, I did not throw a punch.

[countrylass]

So you DID know you were his secret...?

 

Yet you settled for sex but no dating in public... Hmmmm.

 

You knew.

 

It never needs to be a secret when folks are honest.

 

You knew.

 

I don't really know what you are referencing in this post.

 

Yes I knew it was a secret that we were together, what I didn't know was the real reason why.

 

I chose to keep things secret out of regard for other family members. Obviously, in hindsight, I was a fool for doing so.

[countrylass]

Oops - you can't move until you face the charges against you.

 

You may have to pay her medical bills too...

 

I very much doubt the charges will stick, it was self defence. The police that attended the scene have already said that as has my lawyer who I have only had very preliminary discussions with over the phone.

 

Basically she started it, I defended myself. She ended up hurt and that complicates things a little but as the injury was not intentional I should be fine.

[countrylass]

This truly illustrates why it's always a bad idea to go along with secrets.

 

I grew up with this guy, I never for a second thought he would do something like this. When he asked me to keep a secret I took the reasons he gave at face value. I had no reason to doubt his intentions.

 

there are some lessons to be learned here. Don't lie to your best friends

 

Oh I've learned the lesson. Just hope I can salvage the friendships.

[Artie Lang]

i now see why you were outcast by your "friends." you were lying to them about the TRUE nature of the relationship, even when they suspected and grilled you on it. you totally f*cked up.

 

it's even more complicated given that all these people travel in the same social circle. every one of these persons' lives is now affected because of this.

Edited November 26, 2012 by Artie Lang

[countrylass]

if you and this woman were such good friends, how can you NOT know they were still together?don't BFF's tell each other everything? i'm sure she would've informed you of a split with this guy, especially if he was moving down your neck of the woods. it just doesn't make sense.

 

I think you have misread the situation. I am not friends with her at all. I have met her of course as his girlfriend but as I said in my opening post

he had split with his girlfriend (I didn’t really care about that, I didn’t like her very much)

[Artie Lang]

if i read it correctly, they "warned" you about him, right? why would they do that? sounds like they warned you about his status, and you continued with the relationship. at least that's how it looks to me; as well as your friends, i gather.

 

sounds to me like she found out about the affair before his big announcement/revelation. that's why everyone's so pissed at you.

[j'adore]

I had a woman hit me once, I defended myself but breaking someone's jaw is malicious, not self defence, I am guessing your friends are against you more for that than anything else, You will be charged with assault causing actual bodily harm (Uk law), you went over the top. Do you have a witness? What country?

[countrylass]

I hope you have gotten yourself a good attorney, because just because you SAY it was self defense, doesn't mean that's going to hold up in court. You need someone well versed in dealing with this, make sure your lawyer knows what he/she is doing.

 

My cousin is a lawyer, he has put me onto someone that specialises in these type of cases. This guy assures me that a self defense charge will work but he doesn't believe it will even get to court. He thinks once they see how weak the evidence is they will drop the charges.

 

I find it odd that the police would tell you that you didn't have anything to worry about and it makes me wonder if it was to get you to say things that might incriminate you.

 

The police officer in question is a friend of sorts. I train him and his wife.

[countrylass]

I am meeting the prick tomorrow to hear what he has to say. I know I probably shouldn't but I really want ho hear him try and justify to me why he had to screw over his longest and best friend.

 

I'm not expecting much but it should be interesting, that is if he even shows up.

 

The person who has organised this meeting claims he is distraught over the way everything has gone down and wants to apologise. You know what... apology not accepted !!

[2sunny]

I am meeting the prick tomorrow to hear what he has to say. I know I probably shouldn't but I really want ho hear him try and justify to me why he had to screw over his longest and best friend.

 

I'm not expecting much but it should be interesting, that is if he even shows up.

 

The person who has organised this meeting claims he is distraught over the way everything has gone down and wants to apologise. You know what... apology not accepted !!

 

There's not one single reason to meet with him - unless you're just begging for more trouble with him.

 

If you say you don't want more of his crappy excuses and lies - no need to ever speak to him again.

 

He just intends to get you back into a position that works for him.

 

Expect more lies, lies, lies!

[dreamingoftigers]

I am meeting the prick tomorrow to hear what he has to say. I know I probably shouldn't but I really want ho hear him try and justify to me why he had to screw over his longest and best friend.

 

I'm not expecting much but it should be interesting, that is if he even shows up.

 

The person who has organised this meeting claims he is distraught over the way everything has gone down and wants to apologise. You know what... apology not accepted !!

 

voice-activated recorder!