resolution97 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 i've seen several of these types of threads on here already, but i feel like mine is a little different (cognitive bias, perhaps...). anyway, i've been going out with my g/f for 6 years now. i love her deeply, and i know that she loves me. everything is great, except that i just can't have sex with her anymore. it's been several months now with this problem. early in our relationship, we had sex all the time. so the attraction used to be there. as far as possible factors: she hasn't gained weight, she doesn't look any different (if anything, she looks even better). we haven't had any big fights. i haven't found "another woman" (although i do find myself fantasizing about several other people). this really hurts me to say... but because this has been going on for so long, one of the last times we tried, i couldn't do it. i don't know why; i just couldn't. then the next time we tried after that, i got so nervous that i wouldn't be able to please her, so all my nerves made it absolutely impossible. now i'm afraid it's going to be like that any other time we try. i do have kind of a bad sexual history. but she knows that, and has known that for years. and our sex life had been great while she's known that. and nothing has triggered any bad memories or anything. i really want to make this work, because i love her so much. she makes me so happy, and i make her happy as well (i think). obviously there are our moments where we bicker, but it's not that often, and we always work it out. i just worry that if something doesn't change, she's just going to become my best friend whom i live with, not my partner.... i don't know. any advice would be appreciated. thank you for reading.
Tara247 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 You need to see a psychiatrist. I'm not trying to be unkind, but if you can't pinpoint what the problem is, you need to get some help. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 You're not really providing enough details to make it very clear as to what the problem is, however I think you know more where the problem is coming from you're just not either listening to yourself or digging deep enough within to find the truth. What I mean is there is something that is there that is telling you at least the very least a clue....what is it that you feel towards her? what do you feel when you think about being intimate with her? do you love her but no in love with her? How did this start? what changed for you? did she change in any way other than the superficial? are you being pressured into marriage or having kids? There's a lot of things it could be but without some soul-searching and answers this is incomplete as it is. 4
Author resolution97 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 thank you guys for responding. i think counseling might help. i have seen some people, but it never worked out, for one reason or another. as for Ninjainpajamas, the thing is, there was no one moment that i can point to. it was much more gradual. there has been lots of change in both of our lives, but i dunno...at least i don't think that can be it. (huge change in career for me, but it was planned for a while, and very much a positive.) as far as marriage/kids, i would like both. so does she, but i think she wants the latter a little later than me, but i'm ok with waiting. when i think about being intimate with her, now i honestly just get nervous and scared. because i don't know if i'll be able to perform. and i want to please her (and myself). but i just think i can't, which leads me to not being able to. i try to think positive, but i'm not really a positive guy. i absolutely love her. and i am in love with her, too. my love for her is much deeper than it was, say, 2-3 years ago. when i look at her and think about her, i want to spend the rest of my life with her. no question. i want her to be the mother of my children. but i can't see having sex with her.... i just don't know. thanks again for reading. maybe it's time to start looking into some counselors and psychologists again...
FitChick Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Don't just leave her in the dark (literally and metaphorically). Let her know of your concerns and how you plan to remedy them. Otherwise she might think you are cheating or are about to dump her. 4
NYC-BigKat Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 i've seen several of these types of threads on here already, but i feel like mine is a little different (cognitive bias, perhaps...). anyway, i've been going out with my g/f for 6 years now. i love her deeply, and i know that she loves me. everything is great, except that i just can't have sex with her anymore. it's been several months now with this problem. early in our relationship, we had sex all the time. so the attraction used to be there. as far as possible factors: she hasn't gained weight, she doesn't look any different (if anything, she looks even better). we haven't had any big fights. i haven't found "another woman" (although i do find myself fantasizing about several other people). this really hurts me to say... but because this has been going on for so long, one of the last times we tried, i couldn't do it. i don't know why; i just couldn't. then the next time we tried after that, i got so nervous that i wouldn't be able to please her, so all my nerves made it absolutely impossible. now i'm afraid it's going to be like that any other time we try. i do have kind of a bad sexual history. but she knows that, and has known that for years. and our sex life had been great while she's known that. and nothing has triggered any bad memories or anything. i really want to make this work, because i love her so much. she makes me so happy, and i make her happy as well (i think). obviously there are our moments where we bicker, but it's not that often, and we always work it out. i just worry that if something doesn't change, she's just going to become my best friend whom i live with, not my partner.... i don't know. any advice would be appreciated. thank you for reading. Omg u have a girlfriend that loves u for 6 years and u complain that u dont want her anymore & she looks really better! I'm so angry 'cause u are sooo lucky & dont care .
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 thank you guys for responding. i think counseling might help. i have seen some people, but it never worked out, for one reason or another. as for Ninjainpajamas, the thing is, there was no one moment that i can point to. it was much more gradual. there has been lots of change in both of our lives, but i dunno...at least i don't think that can be it. (huge change in career for me, but it was planned for a while, and very much a positive.) as far as marriage/kids, i would like both. so does she, but i think she wants the latter a little later than me, but i'm ok with waiting. when i think about being intimate with her, now i honestly just get nervous and scared. because i don't know if i'll be able to perform. and i want to please her (and myself). but i just think i can't, which leads me to not being able to. i try to think positive, but i'm not really a positive guy. i absolutely love her. and i am in love with her, too. my love for her is much deeper than it was, say, 2-3 years ago. when i look at her and think about her, i want to spend the rest of my life with her. no question. i want her to be the mother of my children. but i can't see having sex with her.... i just don't know. thanks again for reading. maybe it's time to start looking into some counselors and psychologists again... This is one of those situations where the self-awareness in terms of emotions is very low, therefore you don't really know where this is resonating from within you...you do seem at a loss, without more information and digging the answers aren't going to be clear...I can usually go off a tiny bit of information on this forum to draw big pictures which can obviously have some holes and invariables here or there but there is something missing here, a piece of the puzzle, I think you definitely need talking about this whether by a therapist, counselor or what not to help get you to see your own hangups. It seems like this intimacy or your current situation is triggering and mirroring a situation in your past that causes you to react by shutting down. It could be because you are paralyzed with the thought of losing her, maybe the stability scares you, maybe the trust within yourself is in question of whether you can do this or not...meaning taking it to the next level or not, that is manifesting in a sexual form. You really have to think about why you don't want to have sex with her or what you feel, you need to relive those moments emotionally and mentally and really figure out what is going on, what is the reason you are feeling this way because the answer is within you, you just don't know how to unlock that box, and you seem to have be very traumatized in the past to cause such a overwhelming shutdown that you cannot draw out the emotions, because you've probably learnt to deal with them in this manner. You also need to communicate with her about this, I know it's maybe embarrassing and you might be ashamed of it because she's going to assume that you're not interested in her physically anymore, right now you're leaving it up to her own speculation of why things have changed. Right now you're creating this performance anxiety feeling, or maybe you do have some kind of anxiety, maybe you've become conscious of your performance, maybe you're having some sexual issues? why are you nervous? simply because you cannot perform because you are not attracted to her or are you not attracted to her for a reason? what feeling associates that which makes you shut down intimately? You've got to tell her and talk to her about this, you can't be in a relationship for six years and not be able to talk about these kinds of things and everything else, especially since this is going to be your wife. You need more openness and bonding, you need to communicate, express yourself and understand each other on an emotional level...if you consume yourself in fear it's not going to get anywhere, plus it's not like you are losing attraction for her physically that you claim or in her appearance, this is an emotional issue and she will want to help you get through this, so give her a chance to be supportive and understanding of you, although you'll need a mediator to explain certain things to her as well, because you don't have all the answers...women tend to ask very direct and straight to the point answers instead of trying to understand the whole picture because they're concerned about a particular area, so you might want to seek a therapist and counselor before taking that step into the deeper things, it's up to you because you should be a bit closer and more open at this stage of the game, but since you're not this might be a big surprise and an issue that you're not ready to explain because you don't get it yourself. I'm not sure how your relationship dynamic is, but you can't continue keeping this in the closet (unless you're gay which is a whole other can of worms) you need to let the cat out of the bag before you get married or things are just going to become more difficult, especially having to repress this will eventually tear you up inside. 2
dasein Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 OP these things happen. It is what it is. If you truly don't want sex with her any more, your only option is to move on and allow her to find someone who will give her a full relationship. You don't mention how she reacts to this or her feelings. Details would help in framing advice. 1
salparadise Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 This is a two layer thing. The first layer is performance anxiety, and that you objectively realize. ED meds can help with the symptoms, but you really need to fix the underlying cause as well. It could be another performance anxiety or insecurity in a different area of your life. You mentioned a career change. Did you take a job with less social status or less pay? Has she recently gotten a better job or a raise? Is there another area in your life that is beyond your control in some way? 1
Mint Sauce Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 in a relationship of 6 years, you have performance anxiety? Aren't you at ease with her? Aren't you comfortable enough with her to not be nervous with her, even if your equipment fails? Is she expecting so much from you, all the time? Are you sure you are in a loving relationship? Just triggering some thoughts here...but my question is serious: I can't imagine being so nervous about something like this in a long-term relationship. 1
Author resolution97 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 thank you to all of you who responded. but, wow, lots of questions. let's see.... the performance anxiety really started somewhat recently. the first time i couldn't perform wasn't the anxiety (i don't think). i don't know what it was. but every other time after it, i got really nervous about it. i am very much at ease with her, but now that i've failed a couple times, i now get anxious. i'm sorry; does that make sense? so i realize that there's something else here that started this, and this is now just another problem to toss on the pile. but i get anxious because i want to please her, and then doubt creeps in because i've failed in the past, and then i get paralyzed with nerves. this has happened to me in the past with people, but that was always in the very beginning of relationships, and only with people i cared about. with my present g/f, it happened at the beginning, too. but then we had years of fun and happiness together, without any performance anxiety. i don't know. anyway, as i said earlier, it's not the anxiety that started all of this...but it is making it a lot more difficult. as for the career change, i'm very lucky. i got a much higher-paying job, higher status, better in every way. this is what i've been striving for for a very long time now. i have spoken to her a little bit about this. and she's been really wonderful about it. but that makes me feel worse. she says she's willing to help me.... i think what a lot of you are saying is right. i need to go see somebody. i just have bad experiences with that, too, but need to get over that and find somebody i can really talk to, somebody i can trust. thank you all again for taking the time to respond.
ja123 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Do you have perverted fantasies? I ask because I met someone who tried to sleep with me (I didn't) because he wanted to get wild and dirty, and felt that he couldn't do that with his wife.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Your inability to get the deed done just happened, independent of your thoughts, right? You could've mentally been turned on and it probably wouldn't have happened anyway? Are you sure you might not just have ED? Is it definitely something psychological? I'd figure out the root of the problem and fix things, a lack of intimacy is not going to be good in the long run unless she can somehow overlook that.
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