lovefiction Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Hi there, I am hoping for some insight into my boyfriend's behavior... We have been together off and on for almost two years and it has been rocky. He was divorced 6 months before we met - he has two kids that live with their mother, 9 and 12. He lost physical custody when she wanted to move back to mainland (we live in Hawaii) to be closer to her family. He is a loving father and boyfriend. I am a single mother, never married with a son who is 9 years old. We get along perfectly when we are together... The problem arises when things don't go as planned... He seems to have a very hard time dealing with disappointment and unexpected change... For example, last spring we were supposed to take a vacation with our kids on an outer island but a massive rainstorm hit and I thought we should cancel. He agreed with me when we talked about it, but later was really upset by it... Another time my son woke up in the middle of the night and I put him back to sleep and fell asleep while my bf was in the other room... he left without saying a word and when he finally would talk about it, he said it happened too often in his previous marriage... I try my best not to disappoint him but it seems that he frquently makes mountains out of mole hills... I am confused because he always comes back and I believe he really loves me but just doesn't know how to communicate and/or deal with disappointment... As a single mother I have come to accept life's imperfections and I make the best out of any situation... He seems to think every hiccup is a sign that things aren't going to work for us... Tonight we were supposed to see a play but my son ended up with stomach flu; I called my bf in the afternoon when I realized he was not getting better... He was understanding but upset because the tickets are non-refundable (and in his mind this always happens)... I would really like to understand... A part of me wonders if I have been deceiving myself - do all these little "problems" add up to a doomed relationship? Or are they just a normal part of life? Does he focus too much on these "problems" or do I focus too little on them? Is there something I can say or do that would help him get over these problems instead of dwelling on them? Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Your Bf sounds like a self-sabotage type of person, who is always going to handle things with frustration and disappointment. He feels out of control and and jaded over the fact, and feels like if he doesn't expect the worst then he might expect the best then if it falls through he should have known better. Therefore he'll always retain this defeatist attitude and project that negativity outward and into his relationship, and you will likely become the main focus point for him channeling of anger and frustration, he'll likely just blame you for not understanding him and not being able to sympathize. He's also not over his last relationship, you dated very soon for a man who just got out of a marriage, which always alludes me how people can just simply get into a relationship with someone that fresh out of a marriage, that person needs time to repair and heal and reflect and handle those things in a responsible and accountable way, when a person just jumps into another thing that feels good at the time, they end up taking that baggage with them and using it against the other person. And he's going to continue to do that while in this relationship. You need to realize that this is the relationship you are in, you're not going to change him for fix him, you're going to be the punching bag if anything. You've learned to accept the things in life not being so perfect which with that kind of attitude will lead you to tolerating abuse and other things that you shouldn't, but since you look at it as...well no one's perfect, everyones got their issues, even me, then you're just going to end up with guys with issues, because just because people have problems and issues doesn't mean you should have a relationship with them because you love them, there's a lot more that goes into making the long-haul in my opinion...unless you just grit your teeth and push through it...making sure you "gave it your all, turned over every stone before walking away" and all of that. Yes, he focuses on the problems too much...but you already know that. No, you can't help him change or improve, he has to want and work towards that....that's if he even notices or accept his issues No, this is not a part of normal life, relationships have different problems and may have problems but they have different problems which can make all of the difference. You choose problems are acceptable and what are not, and whether you feel you are treated with enough respect to continue on...you have to be happy, it can't be forced for "better days" in some unknown future that never comes. You have to ask yourself if you're happy and can live life the way it is now if nothing ever changed, and it remained the same...would you be fulfilling, would you feel valued, respect, loving towards this man, and feel that he loves you the same? if so then continue on, but don't expect him to "work on his issues" if he's not communicating with you and you're both actually working through them together. If you just expect a start to shoot out of the sky one day and everything is perfect or at least better, that's just wishful thinking, working through your problems and issues while being able to communicate with your partner, while retaining respect and trust is going to make or break many relationships. And remember most people can improve with a lot of effort and self-work, but they're not going to completely change, they are who they are. If you're constantly having to walk on eggshells and avoid conflicts with him just to hold the peace and sustain the relationship, then you're not going to be able to do that forever...one day you'll snap, whether by giving up on yourself and being so conformed and numb to this world you hardly notice and blink an eye or blowing up on him expecting him to change constantly fight.
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