Ex Contacts me after 4 mos

[lovejoy41]

Hello Friends, It's been 4 months and I am finally in a good place and happy. I rarely think about my ex fwb of 5 years now. He crosses my mind but I can usually switch my thoughts and he's out of there. I never thought that I would get to this place but with a lot of self-reflection, sticking to no contact, and strength I did it. No more tears! I visit with family when I want to get out of the house or go to the gym to work out. I have lost a total of 20 lbs since the breakup and I look great!

 

When you hear people say that exes have built-in radar about knowing when you've moved on believe it. When I was longing for him and cried all of the time I didn't hear from him. However, shortly after that I heard that my ex had gotten himself in quite a bit of trouble. He'd contacted me twice via text then with me only hitting delete on him. I had no need to respond. Why would I after all of the horrible things that he'd said and done to me before?

 

Well, today I'm out with my son taking him to apply for jobs and wouldn't you know it..... he texts me. Normally he would text once per month & usually at night(8or 9pm). Today he texted at 5:30pm! It's been 4 months since I went into no contact. I have not contacted him since July 26. Of course I deleted it with no response. I find it best to delete because I'm not quite strong enough to keep it in my text inbox. Seeing it would mess with me so I always delete it immediately. Today made the 3rd time that he's tried. I would've thought that by now he would've gotten the message after I ignored him on 8/3 and 9/19 but I guess when you've went back so many times in the past like I used to and with him taking me for granted, he either refuses to believe that I'm seriously done or he's having a hard time accepting the fact that he's been rejected by a woman he thought would be there forever.

 

The most I can do is pray for him. I won't lie, I still love him, I care for him, and wish he would change but I know that he won't. Therefore, I have to keep my door closed to him. The fact that he's only texting, not calling or coming by proves that he hasn't changed. He hasn't apologized or even asked how I was doing in the texts. It's always just "hey", "what's up?" or "hey what's up?". The same old nonchalant mess. You would think that after 4 mos of not hearing from me that he would call or have more to say via text. And I also highly doubt if he's broken up with his live-in girlfriend. I'm sure she's out of town or mad at him at the moment which is most likely why he's reaching out. It would be a shocker if she's left him for good, but I doubt it. Besides, that wouldn't change my status with him even if she was gone.

 

I am totally done with him. He made his bed, now he has to lay in it without me. Maybe soon he will get tired of being ignored and go on with his life. I refuse to reopen that door of pain. He is now his girlfriend's problem. I pray for her. Here she is thinking she's hit the jackpot with such a good man & he's texting me behind her back. smh So for those of you in no contact, don't try to be polite or feel guilty for not responding to your ex. Think about all of the pain they caused you & what it took for you to get where you are today. You deserve happiness. Don't allow them to take it from you.

Edited November 25, 2012 by lovejoy41

[nothingleft]

I don't know quite why, but your post makes me optimistic and happier... (was it meant to? Sorry if not and you wanted support, but that too) Gives me hope that some day I could be stronger though.

Thank you

[lovejoy41]

@Nothingleft: No it's okay. I just want to share my story and update. If it gives someone who's in a similar situation hope, that is more than I could ask for. I know how it feels. 4 mos ago I was feeling like my heart had been shredded, like I had lost all that I had including myself, and feeling like it would never get better. It does! Time is a healer , but not just time... you have to want to heal and move forward. Know that you deserve the best. I did a lot of self-reflection not just on my relationship with this man but with others and I saw a pattern in me allowing myself to be treated like crap. I also prayed(still do) a lot, and spent time with the family and exercised. I'm not quite ready to jump back out into the dating scene, although I have met a few guys here and there. All of these things combined with sticking to no contact has helped me through it.

 

The only time I get a little bit shaken is when he texts me. It bothered me a lot the first time he did it on 8/3 but yesterday when he did it, not so much. I was actually a bit annoyed. I feel like the nerve of him to say all of the horrible things he said, the lies he told about not having a gf when he has a woman living with him, and not respect that I want nothing more to do with him. You would think even if a person did reach out after 4 mos of not hearing from someone that if they truly cared they would apologize or at least ask how you are doing. Not this guy. 5 years and I don't even get a "how are you?" But at the same time why should I expect that coming from a man who only cares about himself?

 

I hope that it works out for you. I'm the furthest from being a therapist. I'm still healing myself, but I know that if you keep the door closed to any contact on your part and the ex's part & work on being a emotionally and physically happier you that it will be just fine. My guy is reaping what he's sown right now. He used me and took my love for him for granted. Now he gets to experience life without me. The best advice I can give you is what I stated above. Also, don't blame yourself, accept that it is over, and want to move on. And remember that healing is a process. Allow yourself to go through the pain, then heal. I wish you all the best. If there is anything more that I can do for you or anytime you need to talk please feel free to inbox me a private message.

Edited November 25, 2012 by lovejoy41

[dhcp]

Thanks for sharing your story and update, it is indeed pretty inspiring, especially to someone that is at the beginning of that NC journey.

 

Question - do you feel a tiny bit vindicated or feel a little stronger after you delete those messages, knowing that you are a stronger person than you maybe were before and you know can see the bigger picture and you aren't letting him getting under your skin (so much) anymore? Reading your story I couldn't help proud that you are sticking to your guns, I know how hard that can be and you seem to be staying strong.

 

Congrats on your progress, keep up the great work, you inspire us all.

[lovejoy41]

Hello dhcp,

 

Thank you! I am happy to hear that my story is inspiring to others. I never thought in a million years that I would be inspiration to anyone after coming out of this mess with this man. I was a true mess. By the time he was done sucking me emotionally dry, it was like I was a walking talking corpse. Honestly, I was on the brink of insanity! It took a lot of crying.... I mean sobbing hard and a lot of prayer and determination to not go back to this man. I mean it was hard! It's like they are a drug and you're the addict. My walking away from him was like checking into rehab and going through withdrawal! As time passed and I healed(and I still am healing) I often wondered how is it that this man had such a stronghold on me? I still don't know. What I do know is that my self-esteem was in the gutter & he was my everything. It makes me pretty sick to think about it now but it happens to the best of us.

 

To answer your question, YES I certainly do feel some vindication. I felt that when I found out that he was in trouble. I mean I didn't wish bad on him or throw a party when I found out but I did feel like he was getting back what he had put out. The second contact was only FIVE DAYS after he bonded out of jail so that let me know that he'd thought about me in jail. Just last Tuesday I had a restricted number come through my cell which I did not answer. The most recent text & 3rd contact attempt was on Saturday 11/24 which came only SIX DAYS after him being released from some time in jail from going to trial & being found guilty of his crime. So once again he had time to sit, stew, and think about what he'd done to me. I do believe that since I got the call Tues and the text Saturday, that the restricted caller was probably him. He's too proud and cowardly to call with his number unrestricted! I mean at this point I could care less if he apologizes or any of that because none of it will change my decision on keeping my door closed to him as I stated. BUT yes, with this being the 3rd attempt of contact on HIS PART and me deleting it, it feels great. There are still feelings there of course and it still is hard for me to see his text and just delete it, but I have no choice. So I have to push through the pain & the feelings of missing him. I simply remember all of the pain he caused me, the things he said to me, and the fact that he has a woman living with him right now. Those are the things that drive me to continue pushing the delete button and when I do it, I don't regret it. Maybe if he showed remorse and at least apologized and asked " how I was doing" I would respond to be polite. Everyone handles situations differently, but I would if that was the case because ignoring an apology or a person's concern for how you are is rude BUT if I did I would keep my response very short & my response would be entirely to the question at hand. If he asked anything else after that 1 question, I would no longer respond. And besides that, he's texting which I consider to be lazy, uninterested communication. It's not like he's calling me so why respond?

 

The reason I've had to think about that though is because the books that I've read that have been helping me talks about exes contacting you. 99% of the time when an ex contacts you and even says" I'm sorry" or "How are you" it's usually just to ease their guilt or just to get a response from you. So you have to be very careful with that, especially if it was a horrible breakup with cheating, lies, head games, etc. involved. That's mainly why I haven't responded & I'm always thinking ahead & wondering what I would do if he did that. The last thing I want to do is give the idiot a hint that I'm still interested in him at all. But this guy is such a arrogant, proud butthole that I highly doubt that I will get either one of those questions. So I really try not to think about that crap too much. It's a waste of brain space.

 

All of it is hard when you love someone & you want to be with them, but if you love yourself more and you realize that this person doesn't love you the way that you love them, you do what you have to do. Life is about choices. I know that a man who disrespects me the way he did, lies, and cheats on his gf is not the man I want to be with. He is a curse to women including his gf. My walking away from him has been a blessing in disguise for me. I'm so much happier, I sleep better, wake up with a clear head, and have become a better person because of this situation. I crave for the day when I'm totally totally over him. He will be nothing more than fog in my brain real soon! I don't know if he will try contacting me again. I really don't care & I hope not. My friends are puzzled because they thought that with him being as cocky as he is, him having a live-in gf, & me ignoring him that he would've long moved on and stopped trying to contact me but he hasn't. They predict that he will pause for a while and then try again. Who knows?! I pray that he won't!

 

Whew! Sorry for that long story, but you know how it is when we women vent. LOL! Thank you so much for your comment & take care

Edited November 27, 2012 by lovejoy41