Coping with how I feel

[emilywtf]

So I am living with my ex and have been for a while. We ended things when I caught him cheating with a significantly older woman (not the fist time he has cheated, or with a woman 20+ years his senior). Because of financial reasons, and that we co-own a house, I have ended up living here with him.

 

During this time, he would say he wanted to reconcile but would always have other women (married mother of three, fake tits mcgee, the old whore, and now the new whore).

 

I know it will never change. He is abusive, an alcoholic, controlling... Everything a woman doesn't want in a man. I know it is not me, that nothing I do will ever be good enough because it has nothing to do with me. I know that as long as he drinks he will be like this, and he sees nothing wrong with his drinking.

 

Living here... I feel kind of like I am going crazy. I am angry 80% of the time, and the other 20% I am crying uncontrollably. I want to pick fights though so far I have managed not to. I want to email his granny porn to this new woman. I want to give her phone number and email to people to harass her, or block her number on the cell plan and her email on the router... I am not myself. I would never consider doing this, except I feel like maybe the pressure it getting to be too much for me to handle. Maybe a little PTSD, too, from all the abuse (mostly emotional but also physical).

 

We never married. In my state they recognize common law marriages and on Monday I have an appointment with a lawyer to see what options I have. I have to get out.

 

But I feel scared. I am scared of being alone, for one. Not relationshipy alone, just living by myself. I am scared that once I leave he will find happiness and that I never will. I am scared that I will be lonely for him forever. I am scared of the financial burden of school. I will get support from my grandmother and withdraw some from my IRA to cover expenses until I finish in April, but still...

 

Realistically I know that once I am gone for a while I will be much happier, but that is like looking at the milky way from right here in Denver- So far away, so unattainable.

 

Until I leave, how do I handle the overwhelming sadness, the rage, the pain I feel? I exercise and that seems to help, but not always, and I cannot exercise every time I feel so emotionally overwhelmed.

 

I hate being this way, if feels wrong, but I almost cannot help to spout the vitriol. I know that letting it out helps sometimes, but I don't think this is a good "venting" that I do nearly every day.

 

Thanks for reading my (probably) incoherent ramblings.

[Exit]

There's got to be somewhere else you can go. Financial reasons and other excuses do not make up for the fact that it's just absolutely unhealthy to try to maintain a living situation like that. So I wouldn't put my energy into finding ways to cope with it or how to vent the anger, I would devote myself to finding a way to get away from the person who angers me. You don't have a friend, a relative, hell even a women's shelter, anything that would suffice temporarily? I understand if you can't afford to just hit the road and start paying rent for your own place, but there must be some place you can go.

 

And yes I know taking the high road isn't always enjoyable, but you'd just create more drama for yourself if you tried to talk to his girlfriends or reveal his flaws to the rest of the world. What's that saying about giving people enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves, just leave him to his shady lifestyle and it'll probably catch up to him without you needing to get involved.

 

I can understand your fears but that's just your bruised ego talking when you worry that he'll be happy forever and you'll be miserable. It may be a 50/50 chance on how things will turn out when you get out there on your own, but there's a zero percent chance that any form of happiness is going to result from sticking around this guy any longer than you have to.

 

As I said I wouldn't worry too much about finding ways to vent because the priority should just be escaping this ASAP, but I do understand that you probably can't just pick up and leave tomorrow, so in the mean time, keep up the exercise, it really is great for mood and stress, and I don't know what type of exercise you're doing, but don't just rely on boring cardio. Hit a punching bag, lift some weights, that type of physical exercise offers a certain extra type of release rather than just getting some cardio going.

 

Best of luck, sorry for what you're going through, but I don't doubt that you will again find happiness and I don't think it's quite so far away as staring up at the stars in the sky. The journey might seem long and scary right now but as with anything in life, it's about overcoming that initial inertia, it's hard to get the wheel turning, but once you get it going it builds momentum and wants to keep going.

[emilywtf]

I am working on getting out. Because of the joint property and being unmarried I am consulting a lawyer to determine the best way to go about leaving and being able to retain the few things I need or want (cats, car, my belongings).

 

I do not have family here and womens shelters never seem to want to accept someone who has cats. He has threatened the life the kitties before and I will not leave without them. I have heard the 'Your life/sanity is more important' but these are my kids since I can't have any and they were rescued. I will not leave my furbabies behind.

 

Normally I would not be the type of person who reveals flaws- I let others do that themselves, don't normally need my help. However, I feel like it shows how stressed out and not like myself I have become in that it even crosses my mind.

 

I walk or run or hike usually, easy to do in my area of the world, and I have strength exercises that I do as well. More often than not it helps me clear my head and feel better (and is definitely better than other alternatives, like drinking, eating, drugs, etc.).

 

So more coping skills or words of advice? I really could use some reassurance if anyone has some....