emilywtf Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Just a letter I'd like some opinions on. My "ex" and I live together, co-own house, cars, have joint bank accounts and credit cards. We've been split for a long time but everything is still together financially- Largely, I suspect, because both of us are afraid to be apart. In the last few months his drinking has gotten much worse and he has become abusive and threatening, but because of my financial situation (in school, work part time) I have been forced to stay there. When I talk about leaving he says I go but he keeps the cats, my stuff, my car. I am going to speak with a lawyer on Monday, but I wanted to try and work this out without resorting to that so I wrote this letter. Please do not be judgemental and say things like, quit school, etc. If I quit school and work I make $15/hr. If I finish school (April) I will make $28/hr. Big difference as my area of the world since making $15/hr is basically living in poverty. My goal, BTW, is to get support from my grandmother and use some of my IRA money to support myself, in addition to what I make at work, so I would not NEED anything from him. LETTER: I wish this were easier and that we could just be ‘cool’, but that is not the case. Too many hurt feelings, too much pain, too much bad blood between us to make living together easy. I really want to leave. You dating is like being kicked in the chest every day and I am struggling to deal with that and the things you say and do. I do not want to make this hard on either of us, but living together is clearly unreasonable. I am happy to leave, but I need the car for school, the cats, and my belongings to do so. I won’t ask for anything else besides those things. I know you will be much happier without me there, and I will be much happier if I do not have to witness your dating. It is far more painful for me that I can put into words, but because of this silly hope in my heart that you might change your mind and love me again I just hurt all the worse when I hear you talking to your “dumb bitch”, as you called her. So please, just let me go. You won’t ever have to deal with me again, or think of me. Wouldn’t it be a relief for me to be gone from your life forever? It is not my intention to make your life difficult, I really just want to be gone. You said yourself you wish I would leave and never come back, so let me go. Please do not force me to stay at the house with you until school is over. **Thanks for your input**
Quest4_TheLost Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 The letter is good. But the thing is and this may sound shady, I would go the lawyer route. Start setting things up so he can't take anything from you. Seriously don't let this douche ruin your life. He sounds like he really dosen't want to let you go. He is using the things you want to control you and keep you there. If he really wanted you to go he would have just given in and worked somthing out with you as far as the car goes. If you at all think or feel it is shady or wrong to get everything set up and then attack. Keep in mind what he is doing to you daily. That he is controling you with all this.
Author emilywtf Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 I do think that is part of why he acts the way he does and this is why I have an appointment with legal. I wanted to give this one last try without it but after having a few house to think about it... It will never happen. He is abusive, controlling, and mean as a snake in high grass when he drinks. I have to protect myself and get out, even if it means resorting to things I would rather not do (like take money from my IRA and grandmother). He knows he won't find better than me and wants to have someone around to help him feel normal (sadly, I work in addiction and deal with alcoholics and know this to be true, but applying clinical knowledge to your own life is difficult sometimes). I appreciate your input and it hit the nail on the head.
moveONorStay Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 This sounds like an abusive and manipulative relationship. If I were you, I'd wait til he is on a date, then pack your belongings, the cats and leave. He cannot stop you.
movingon12 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I'm sure he already knows most of the things that you're saying in your letter, and - if he's as awful as he sounds - he doesn't care. As Moveonorstay says: *just go*, take your stuff/car/cats and anything else you need and go. Speak to your bank: explain that you're breaking up and want to cancel your joint credit card. Take half of what's in the joint account and transfer it to a new account in your name (you can argue later about who gets how much) and register for a new credit card with your new account. You don't want to be held liable for any debts on those. The house etc will be more complicated but that's what the lawyers are there for. You've tried to be reasonable already and it hasn't worked. It sounds like he enjoys the fact that he has control over you and that's not going to to change. Move out, stay with a friend, a family member, talk to a school counselor to see if they can offer you some advice, but you need to get out. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be awful.
moveONorStay Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I would also consider having a close friend help you with this move out...just in the off chance that he shows up and there is confrontation
Gottabestrong Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Sounds like a good letter to me. Your situation sounds horrible though and I am really sorry. Hope you get to move out soon and take your stuff with you.
Quest4_TheLost Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Your welcome.. I agree with the above posters though. If this guy is being abusive to you you don't have to wait till he is on a date. I assume he has a job right? Maybe take a day off and while he is at work just take off with your stuff. I would still have a friend help you moving sucks but if he is at work then you will know your time window of how long you will have to get out.
Author emilywtf Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 He does taxes and bookkeeping so his schedule this time of year is very flexible. I am going to pack stuff slowly and a friend said she would be willing to keep some things for me. He goes on dates pretty much every night but I never know how long he will be gone and if he catches me packing my stuff it is bad news. I am really hoping the lawyer will be helpful. I am really hoping that I do have rights to my property (which the ex always says I do not since he makes the money and I don't). I am trying to get a group of my friends together to help me on "the big day", the whole strength in numbers idea. Even if the lawyer says I have no rights or claim to anything I am taking my stuff and going, if I stay here any longer I do not know how I will manage the stress level and pain and anger. the apartment I applied for (dunno if I got it, my financial situation is shakey at best due to working part time) will not be available until 12/15, so I have a few weeks to slowly clean and pack my belongings and hide them places. I really hope he does not notice what I am doing. He already locked me out of the house once, forcing me to living in my car for 2.5 weeks. Don't want to do that again. Thanks for all your input. Leaving an abusive relationship is scary and I find myself doubting me constantly. The words of support and encouragement mean so much.
NoneoftheAbove Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Dont lose your hope dear, be strong and believe that this nightmare will pass. Keep your head up, you seem like a very good person.
Quest4_TheLost Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Good for you!! So many women would rather stay then go through all the stress of getting out. Stay positive and just concentrate on your goal imagine yourself so much happier after all this is over. It will be worth!! Don't you have friends you could stay with instead of staying in your car?? Thats going to be very stressful to keep to your daily routine living in a car.. Good luck!! I hope you keep us posted!!
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