babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I am in a new relationship (5months new) and things started off very well. We clicked instantly, major chemistry, great sex... We both are out of longterm relationships this year... Mine was 5 years, his 6. Him and his ex had a house together but no kids. She has recently moved out of the property, he left 8 months ago (but has been paying half the mortgage). They are going to rent the property out until he can remortgage next September. She had to be lied to to move (he told her he had a potential tenant). He bends over backwards to help her... There was some work that needed down to the house so they went to the DIY store together to get the needed things and then he paid. Now she is saying that she can't afford to get the final bill from the gas and electric company so he is taking this bill over. This isn't a full list but enough to give you an idea! I am pisssed off as he has now moved in with me and I haven't asked him for any helps towards bills etc as he needs to get his house sorted as rented out. Now I feel **** that he is paying her bills and I feeling that she is taking priority over me. I was trying to do him a favour an in turn he seems to e doing her a favour! I won't deny that I am jealous about him and his ex. He does seem to still have a soft spot for her for whatever reason and it drives me mad. Anyone been through the same thing or something similar? 1
GSB81 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Similar feelings brought me here. I was talking to a girl that is best friends with her ex boyfriend, works with him, and hangs out with him every chance she gets. I don't know why people feel the need to cling to their exes while getting involved with someone else but as you have now learned, it sucks. Anyway, until they get rid of this house, they have an excuse to remain in contact. On top of that, since you are providing a home for him rent and utilities free, he is able to be the white knight and save her some money. If he's going to live there, you guys need to hammer out a budget. Don't let him mooch off you so he can help her. 1
Author babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 The issue was that while he has the house and it was empty without a tenant, he couldn't afford to pay me anything to live here. That's why it sucks that he is prepared to drop everything to help her, at my expense! I going to tell him that he needs to pay money into this house if e wants to continue to live here. I way too kind and soft. He is the same, it's just that his ex is benefiting and not me! So are you concerned about your girl and her ex being so close? That would really bug me...
Author babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Just checked your thread actually and I read it already. My response (I maybe need to take this on board myself) is that people can't be friends with exes!
veggirl Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Why would you let someone you have only been dating for 5 mos move in with you? And rent free, wow! He is really making out well here! This guy shouldn't be dating until his ties are cut with his ex. I can't blame him for paying the electric bill and stuff I mean it has to get paid, I assume it's in both their names and would affect his credit if he didn't pay it. But, him moving in rent free is unacceptable. How can you trust that he is not just using you for a free ride? Jumping when his ex calls...who dumped who? This is just all too messy. If I was you I'd remove myself from all of this. Just sounds too stressful and too irritating.
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 That's my thoughts too - Why is he living with you so soon? Why not just get to know each other more, date and have fun? He is helping his ex because he's a nice guy. That's a positive thing. I doubt he's going to go back to her - Is that the main issue here? That you're worried now that he's living with you, he could change his mind and go back to his ex? Don't be jealous of a positive quality he has which is not turning his back on her when she is having financial issues right now.
Author babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Gosh this is only a small portion of the story too.... Eeeek! He went through her fb and turns out there were messages from another guy that would suggest she had been cheating. He confronted her and boom, things ended. Neither of them were happy... Sex had been gone for a while but essentially, she ended it with him. I want to be with him, be was spending quite a lot of time here anyway so I suggested that he can have the next few months to get the house sorted (he was supposed to be taking the house over and she is signing it over to him in September legally). The bill is not in both names, only hers as he left 8 months ago. So he is doing this out of the kindness of his heart. I have also had drama on my end as I am only out of a relationship that turned sour a long time ago. He was there for me when I needed him (we know each other from a number of years back before starting to date), but I do wonder now f he suffers from hero syndrome!!!
Author babsie007 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) In regards to us moving in so soon... It just felt right. Everything about us feels right. But yes you are right, I am jealous. I worry that the reason he is being so nice to her is because he still holds a flame. And I don't want to be taken for a mug either by him helping her out yet not paying anything to me. One of the reasons (obviously only getting his side of the story) that she wanted things to end was that she wanted her independence. She asks for a lot from someone that wants their independence. Edited November 24, 2012 by babsie007
Quiet Storm Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 People can be very attracted to and madly in love with someone, and logically know that person is not good for them. Emotions and attraction are not logical, so his feelings may still be strong, even though his brain knows it's time to move on. Usually after a break up, a period of no contact is needed to put any lingering feelings to rest. Distance is needed to see things objectively. I think that because she cheated, he knows that she would be a poor choice in a partner. He knows that staying with her will lead to pain. But this doesn't negate any sexual attraction or bond that he feels for her. The decision to end the relationship doesn't mean that he is no longer sexually attracted to her. It just means that he has decided that she's not relationship material...in his mind, she could still be worthy of a FWB type relationship. I would tell him that you need a man that is 100% available. If he is still nurturing his ex, then maybe he is not ready to be with someone new yet. If he says he feels nothing for her, then tell him to put his money where his mouth is and to stop supporting her. If they own a house together, some contact may be necessary, but they can correspond by email, financial payments can be sent by check through the mail, and home repairs do not need to be a joint project. These loose ends need to be tied up in a businesslike manner, so that emotions can be kept in check.
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