Is the other woman heartless??

[Sweett]

Don't let others make you feel bad. A few people think there is nothing wrong with deciding to have an affair with a married or committed person and some may feel compelled to make that view known even to a betrayed partner who is hurting. It has nothing to do with you. It may not even have anything to do with the OW in your case, who might feel guilt or might not.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but the fact that your partner was not honest and open is a weakness or fault in him and not in you. As for the OW, it could have something to do with her past or maybe she just doesn't care about whether the man is committed and lying to his partner or maybe something else. Whatever, that is her issue to deal with.

 

Try to focus on doing good things for yourself, and know that you can have a happy future and get to the point where it really won't matter to you what his

or her issues are. Time and focusing on positives for yourself, whether

friends, family, hobbies, indulgences,... will help.

 

Well said, and I do spend to much time trying to figure them out or trying to place blame on myself and I've got to stop that and find something that makes

me happy. Thanks for your advice!

[freestyle]

This might help you to feel better, too..........

 

The OW in your story is going to have to be on eggshells with your ex all the time.

 

She'd better not EVER find fault with him, or complain about him

(no matter HOW he behaves towards her)

 

Because she knows he's capable of running to another woman, as soon as they have a disagreement.

 

So now she'll be in the position of having to stuff her feelings down, and always look at him with admiration, & adoration--(even when he acts like an azzhat)

 

Aren't you glad to NOT be in that position?

 

 

Save your love for someone who will allow room for you to have a differing opinion at times.

 

(and not behave like a spoiled, vindictive child if you fail to conform to his way of thinking)

[whichwayisup]

My ex left me for the other girl ( not a woman in my eyes). I try to figure out why a woman would want someone who she knows is capable of betrayal and leaving the person he is with.

 

Don't try to figure it out. It really doesn't matter the why's and how's this from her end. What matters is his reasonings. he could have easily lied to her, telling her that you two were breaking or had broken up, or made up a lie about you, that you cheated on him so therefore the R was over anyway. Fact is, he's a shi.thead and not worthy of your love, nor your tears. I know you're hurting and this sucks.

 

She didn't 'win' anything really. She got herself a guy who is capable of lying, cheating, betraying and selfishly hurting a person that he loved. Yuck!

[MissBee]

My ex left me for the other girl ( not a woman in my eyes). I try to figure out why a woman would want someone who she knows is capable of betrayal and leaving the person he is with. Maybe it's her background. Her mom and dad divorced and her dad had an affair while married to Her mom that produced another child in between her and her sister. Possibly a one night stand her dad had but now he's living with another woman different from her mom and the lady he had an affair with. So why would this girl want to put someone through what her mom went through? What kind of females do this? Heartless? I was with my ex about 2 years had known him about 16 years since high school and I think he began a relationship with her 6 months before he left me. I caught him with this girl at his house a month before he left me. He kept telling me they were just

friends. I should've left him alone then but I didn't because I didn't want to

be without him. I asked the girl at his place how long theyd been talking

and she said a few months and he said she was lying. He broke up with my

by phone saying he needed space and he wasn't doing this to be with another girl which was a lie because currently they are engaged. This girl knew about me and I don't know who pursued who but both are full of

betrayal in my book. But being who I am and if I had her background I

wouldn't want another woman to go through what her mother went through. She knows my ex cheated to Be with her and she knows the hell I went through after the breakup but I guess she wanted him bad, and she got the ring, while I feel as if I've been punished. Any advice anyone?

 

I think you should switch your thinking from feeling she "won" something, to thinking, why do you want him too if you now know he is a cheater?

 

I think it takes conscious effort to learn from your past. Lots of people who end up in such situations are playing out subconscious patterns and are none the wiser...so perhaps that's it for her as well.

 

This man doesn't seem like a prize catch at all and I hope you realize it versus focusing on her as some "victor" who got some great prize. I can relate though. When I dated one of my exes and we broke up and he got all these other gfs, I wrongly thought, why her and not me? But it was silly, as he was also a very messed up guy, and once I stopped focusing on them and him and why, but wonder why on God's green earth did I need his love to validate me, I started moving on. It takes a while to get there but I wasted lots of time doing what you were doing...now, I know if I should be in a situation like that, I'd spend significantly less time worrying about that but focus on me and why I want this person so much. It might reveal a lot that you yourself need to heal and grow from.

[cocorico]

The OP presents a very valid point - what kind of a woman wants a man who'll desert his wife and family for her?

 

He had no wife or family.

 

OP, regardless of how the OW was raised, that doesn't excuse her selfish behavior, or your husband's total asshat behavior. If he were any kind of a REAL man, he would have left on his own steam, not be a spoiled little child and find himself someone to run to before he left the marriage.

.

 

It wasn't a M. They were dating, not even living together. He is engaged to the woman he left for, which suggests is is more serious in his intentions with his fiancé than he was about his previous date.

[scatterd]

Sweett

I am so sorry for your pain. 16 yrs is along time to be with someone. After that long you think you know so much about a person and then they do something you never thought they would. This is shocking it hurts so bad and makes you question everything. You need to know your not alone in this. Many of us have gone through the same thing. You did nothing wrong you believed in someone you loved. Being betrayed takes time to get over and you will. This will be a time of finding yourself, loving yourself and learning what you want and deserve. Blessing sometimes come in disguise. I wish you peace and happiness and welcome you to LS.

Edited November 24, 2012 by scatterd

[woinlove]

He had no wife or family.

 

 

 

It wasn't a M. They were dating, not even living together. He is engaged to the woman he left for, which suggests is is more serious in his intentions with his fiancé than he was about his previous date.

 

This post sounds quite dismissive of the OP, to refer to her as a "previous date". Perhaps you place everything on marriage or living arrangements, but to me what is important is the relationship between two people. It is clear from the OP and earlier posts that he led her to believe they had a monogamous, exclusive relationship, but he lied about that. There is no indication that he has changed his position on honesty and treating others with respect, so I would not assume too much about his intentions. As we see in many cases, marriage is no guarantee of faithfulness.

 

My read of this thread is that the OP is looking for understanding and trying to come to grips with the betrayal and wanting to feel better than how she was left feeling by the dishonesty and disrespect.

[cocorico]

Sweett

I am so sorry for your pain. 16 yrs is along time to be with someone.

 

It was only two years.

 

I was with my ex about 2 years

[waterwoman]

Sorry to hear this.

 

Your pain is valid regardless of whether you were cohabiting or not. I don't know why some people seem to delight in digging the knife in,

 

However I suspect you are well rid x

[whichwayisup]

He had no wife or family.

 

 

 

It wasn't a M. They were dating, not even living together. He is engaged to the woman he left for, which suggests is is more serious in his intentions with his fiancé than he was about his previous date.

 

She did say they were talking about marriage. It wasn't "just" casual dating.

 

Why are you being so harsh to the OP? Really, what's the point? TO make her feel like crap? That's cruel to do just so you can make a point to her.

[whichwayisup]

It was only two years.

 

Again!

 

And 2 years is a long time.

 

Why are you minimizing what she shared with her ex? This makes no sense. She is hurting and you being bitchy to her isn't helping her at all. Kind of one of those, if you have nothing nice to say, maybe it's best not to say anything..

[scatterd]

It was only two years.He had no wife or family

 

Thanks for bringing that to our attention. This does not make a difference though, they had a relationship. She is hurting and came here for support. So support is what were giving her. Can you be a little more compassionate for her?

[amaysngrace]

Yes! The OW is heartless!

[KathyM]

I would say pretty much every citizen in the Western world is heartless to live in an abundance while there are people starving on this earth. We all make sure our own needs are met. BS as well as OP as well as WS.

 

What I can't wrap my head around is that the BSs expect the OW to meet their (the BSs') needs and not their own. Talk about self-centered and without empathy.

Is the BS self centered for wanting her husband to be faithful and wanting other women to stay away from him? How dare the BS deprive these OW from partaking of her husband's company and bedroom skills. I mean, what a gross injustice that these wives are not freely sharing their spouse with anyone who wants a piece of him. Is the BS supposed to have empathy for an OW who knowingly takes what is not hers to begin with? I don't understand this logic. The BS is supposed to feel sorry for the OW because she can't have someone else's husband?

[whichwayisup]

I would say pretty much every citizen in the Western world is heartless to live in an abundance while there are people starving on this earth. We all make sure our own needs are met. BS as well as OP as well as WS.

 

What I can't wrap my head around is that the BSs expect the OW to meet their (the BSs') needs and not their own. Talk about self-centered and without empathy.

 

Why not start a new thread about this instead of creating a new topic /off topic in Sweets thread to talk about.

[Tainted love]

I'm not really following some of the logic on this thread. So, to the OP, I would say that there's probably a spectrum of heartlessness and many different situations.

 

Some OW are tricked into relationships, some set out to ruin them.

 

My OW was sneaky and deceitful in how she told me which was engineered so that my partner wouldnt guess it was her, freeing them up to be together. heartless? Maybe, although who knows what she has been led to believe. Stupid? Yes. Selfish? Yes.

 

At the end of the day only one heart can be held accountable to me - his

[OpenBook]

At the end of the day only one heart can be held accountable to me - his

 

You bring up a good point here, a deeper issue underlying the betrayal of an existing relationship and the "heartless" aspect of it all. Can the human heart really be held accountable to another person? Hearts change over time. Getting married (or entering into a committed partnership) doesn't cement the heart forever. It cements the stated commitment. But clearly not the heart. You can't set it in stone.

 

End of the day, in my book: You can't count on another person to love you for the rest of your life, no matter what he promises you.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

i understand your point of view...you've been hurt, and it will take some time to feel better...

 

as for some of the advice/comments on here...don't let the hypocrisy of it get you down...trust me, it simply isn't worth worrying about it..

[woinlove]

I would also suggest starting a new thread for anyone who wants to discuss how thinking it is wrong to participate in the deceit of another is heartless. As is often said, remove the deception, be honest and open and encourage it in others, and most don't have a problem. I don't see how defending the ongoing deception the OP was subjected to is relevant to this thread, where the poster is hurting from the lies and dishonesty and looking for support.

 

Anyway, OP, seems like you have a good attitude about the responses on this thread. Maybe this thread gives you some insight into different OW - they are not all the same. But, insight into OW in general, and into the one in your situation, in particular, is not the key. She may have felt guilt since she knew you were being lied to, as many do, but not all. Those are her issues to deal with. Make sure you are kind and loving to yourself. Your partner lying is fully on him. Try not to let it affect how you think of yourself.

Edited November 25, 2012 by woinlove

[j'adore]

Is the BS self centered for wanting her husband to be faithful and wanting other women to stay away from him? How dare the BS deprive these OW from partaking of her husband's company and bedroom skills. I mean, what a gross injustice that these wives are not freely sharing their spouse with anyone who wants a piece of him. Is the BS supposed to have empathy for an OW who knowingly takes what is not hers to begin with? I don't understand this logic. The BS is supposed to feel sorry for the OW because she can't have someone else's husband?

 

She does not take any more than is given to her willingly.

 

OW does not want BS sympathy ever. No thanks, even if I were lying in the road I would not ask her to pick me up.

 

The sympathy lands solely with the relationship with MM, for whom presumably you still have feelings. Why would you want someone to have feelings for you who does not have a relationship with you.

[ComingInHot]

Sweett;

I just read your post &all the comments. I have been away from LS spending an AMAZING Thanks Giving w/my husband and children!! .

 

I haven't read yet where anyone here has let you know that what you are feeling right now is perfectly NORMAL!! You Should be angry w/the intruder on your relationship. You should be angry & devastated at your SO for his betrayal. Don't let ANONE here tell you what you are feeling is wrong!

And as for the OW being heartless, well after reading some of the replies here you already see that, Yes, some are. Some are not though. Some are really good women who have allowed themselves to engage in behavior that they know is wrong but did it anyway...

 

The broken record that you will read here and should listen to is give yourself time, be thankful you dodged a bullet (even though you feel you took it right in the heart) and be good to yourself.

[Mint Sauce]

to answer the original question: all people involved in affairs in my social circle showed strong evidence of selfish behavior already before the actual affair. For instance in their professional attitude, or in their interaction with same-sex friends.

However, for some of them, this was only a period of selfishness/heartlessness, where it was clear that extreme circumstances made them behave selfish at that time. Others appear just fundamentally self-centered, e.g. due to coming from a dysfunctional home.

 

In any case: I am convinced that a kind, balanced person will not pursue someone in a committed relationship.

[ComingInHot]

Trin;

I believe she will let it go. In her own time & way. Most women that have been hurt need to go Through it to get to the other side. It's healthy And Normal*

She'll get there. I've read it here and even though she is the betrayed, others including your posts have gone through some kind of turmoil to get to their own conclusion on the other side.

 

'

[MissBee]

Trin;

I believe she will let it go. In her own time & way. Most women that have been hurt need to go Through it to get to the other side. It's healthy And Normal*

She'll get there. I've read it here and even though she is the betrayed, others including your posts have gone through some kind of turmoil to get to their own conclusion on the other side.

 

'

 

Ditto.

 

It is definitely a process.

 

But I'm sure Sweett will get there in her own time.