Lonely Ronin Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 while I was out at the bar tonight lamenting yet another dating no go. my female friend said the problem is I'm turning the tables on the women I'm dating. to paraphrase her, I know what I want, and there's nothing wrong with me that needs to be fixed. thus, she thinks a lot of the women I've dated lately get slightly freaked out because I'm the one being like are you in or are you out. I'm also the one that's judging rather I'm willing to wait for them to figure out what they want or not. she feels most women are uncomfortable with this because they've never had to deal with it before. I've never been 1 to try and pigeonhole people, but it's an interesting hypothesis what does everyone think?
iris219 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I disagree that most men are indecisive and need fixing. Sure, there are men like this, but women who want serious relationships don't stick around while a guy decides how he feels. I also disagree that women expect men to be indecisive and have something wrong with them. If I sense any ambiguity or traits I don't like, I'm done. I've never had a relationship where I had to wait around for the guy to decide what he wanted, nor would I ever being OK doing so. Either we want the same things or we don't. I can't fathom how you or your approach wouldn't be attractive to women, unless you're going after the wrong women. By that I mean those whose goals differ from yours. It sounds like these women either don't really want to be in a committed relationship, don't know how to be, or don't want one with you. Have you noticed any patterns in the women you're attracted to? It might be a good idea to take a look at these. You know I think you seem like a great guy. I think your problem is similar to mine: most people have committed by a certain age and then you have what's leftover. What's leftover, aside from commitment phobes and those unsuitable relationships in other ways, are women who have encountered a lot of jerks, and maybe they are used to men behaving a certain way. However, I think these women would be even more relieved to find someone like you. Certainly there are women who would be great in a relationship with you, but it's hard to find these. You just have to keep looking until you find a woman who appreciates your honesty and sincerity.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Have you noticed any patterns in the women you're attracted to? It might be a good idea to take a look at these. It's not all women for sure, or even all the women I'm attracted to. It's a little trend that's kind of developed with the women I've dated over the last year or so, where we reached beginning relationship phase (2 -3 months). They are all like me, late 20's early 30's, and have either already been married or had a long term relationship or two. I wasn't a rebound for any of them, because they had all been single for at least or a year or more. I hit of well with all of them from the very beginning, One woman actually commented hot at ease she felt around me. The only real trend I can see is that they where all in a transition phase in their life. Two where debating going back to school, and one was debating a career change. Of course I didn't really find this out until the end. The first woman I'm friends with now (after 9 months of NC), and she is going back to school. She is a mutual friend of my friend from last night. When we started talking again, she actually told me I freaked her out a little bit, because she was unsure about what she was going to do with her life, and I'm pretty much the opposite. She said I didn't really do anything wrong, it was all pressure she put on her self. The thing that kind of caught me off guard, was when she said I wish you had meet me 6 months later. That's when she meet her current Bf, but after she decided to go back to school and had gotten it worked out. The second woman was working on a career change, and actually got a little teary and emotional when we separated because she moved close to home to take a new job. We both felt we didn't know each other well enough to do something crazy, but both had a sense of loss. Last time I saw her, she said why could we not have meet at any other time in our lives. The Last woman (the one I was lamenting about as I need to end it with her) is looking to go back to grad school. Based on what one friend has told me, I might be string up some un-addressed feelings, because the last time she contemplated going back to grad school (a couple years ago), her Long term boyfriend at the time broke up with her. I could defiantly see this being the case, because I have sensed that she has been a little uneasy around me lately.
iris219 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I’m not saying being in a place of transition in your life isn’t a legitimate reason to have concerns/doubts/fears about a relationship, but it shouldn’t be something that sabotages a relationship you truly desire. If we all waited until we were in the perfect place in our lives to start a relationship, very people would ever have one. When we want something bad enough, we make it work or try to figure out ways to work around it, especially when we are around 30. Also, it doesn’t sound like these women were the only ones who are unsure. You said you didn’t feel that one relationship had progressed far enough for you to move or do a LDR. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Also, it doesn’t sound like these women were the only ones who are unsure. You said you didn’t feel that one relationship had progressed far enough for you to move or do a LDR. I've done LDR before, but not 10 hour drive LDR. Neither of us felt that would be doable considering we only known each other for 3 months.
iris219 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I've done LDR before, but not 10 hour drive LDR. Neither of us felt that would be doable considering we only known each other for 3 months. I understand. However, at my age, I know before 3 months if someone is worth making sacrifices for. 3 months is long enough for me to decide if I want a serious relationship with a man. Everyone is different though. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Update, I had my talk with woman #3 tonight. After a little emotionalness on her part, I got the answer that our mutual friend was hinting at. She was conflicted, she was really attracted to me for a couple or reasons, but at the same time she felt like she couldn't date me and do grad school at the same time, and that she had to choose. This is probably the one common trait amongst all the women I date, they know what the want from life, and are highly driven. It's what attracted me to them n the first, place.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I wish I could meet someone like you :/ 1
iris219 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Update, I had my talk with woman #3 tonight. After a little emotionalness on her part, I got the answer that our mutual friend was hinting at. She was conflicted, she was really attracted to me for a couple or reasons, but at the same time she felt like she couldn't date me and do grad school at the same time, and that she had to choose. This is probably the one common trait amongst all the women I date, they know what the want from life, and are highly driven. It's what attracted me to them n the first, place. Is she moving away for grad school? If not, I don't get it. I went to grad school and dated at the same. People get married and raise kids while in grad school. Actually, it sounds like the women you're meeting aren't sure what they want from life. They all seem conflicted. They like you, but aren't sure (or they are sure, but not telling you that). Honestly, I think these women know you're a great guy for a relationship, and they wanted to want one with you, but for whatever reason, they just weren't feeling it entirely. At age 30ish, women don't walk away from a potential serious relationship with the right guy. Meeting the right guy happens so rarely, that when we do, we'll hold on. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong; it just means these weren't the right women for you. As ES said, many of us would love to meet a guy like you. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I agree with iris. I also went to grad school and dated with no problem. I think it's just an excuse, a way to let you down easy.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 I wish I could meet someone like you :/ I'm sure you will ES. The best advise I've ever gotten, is to always stay positive, and never let something that didn't work out get you down. Trust me I know better than most that it's easier said than done, but it's really the only thing any of us has control over.
Author Lonely Ronin Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Is she moving away for grad school? If not, I don't get it. I went to grad school and dated at the same. People get married and raise kids while in grad school. Yep, She hasn't picked what school specifically yet, but all the ones she's been accepted into are a hell of a long way away. Actually, it sounds like the women you're meeting aren't sure what they want from life. They all seem conflicted. They like you, but aren't sure (or they are sure, but not telling you that). Honestly, I think these women know you're a great guy for a relationship, and they wanted to want one with you, but for whatever reason, they just weren't feeling it entirely. At age 30ish, women don't walk away from a potential serious relationship with the right guy. I don't know many details of woman number three's past relationships, mainly because when we reached a point in are relationship where that became a concern, she started to slowly back away. I do know that woman #1, and #2 both made substantial sacrifices in earlier relationships to be with a man, and in both cases it came back to bite them. By substantial I mean passing on career defining jobs, and putting their education on hold. I could easily see both of them having some baggage that makes them a lot more cautious about diving into a new relationship head first. And I can't blame them, I have baggage from my own failed engagement, that affects how I approach relationships. How I approach a relationship at 33, is worlds apart from how I approached it at 23. All parties are probably a little more wary, than if we had meet an at earlier time.
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