stupidguy Posted August 8, 2004 Posted August 8, 2004 I posted my story here last week, Its been 3 weeks since my ex girlfriend dumped me. I mean dumped me hard very unexpectedly after a 3year relationship, that I now view as me being used for money and companionship, not love as I thought, while she was planning on reconciling with her ex husband. The last words she said to me was that she wanted a "complete break". I never even got a word in. I intended never to contact her again, although its an uphill battle in spite of knowing she used me. Im angry, confused, grieving, etc. She is going into the hospital for surgery this week. I have this overwhelming urge to wish her luck, because in spite of it all, I do want her to be ok, maybe by email, but I couldnt handle any more rejection at this point, and I cant even belive I have made it this far without contacting her. I feel it would set me back if I broke down and did contact her. Or is it because its my stupid way of trying to hear from her again? I cant even think straight here. Any help and insight would be appreciated folks. Thx
amanda25 Posted August 8, 2004 Posted August 8, 2004 Originally posted by stupidguy She is going into the hospital for surgery this week. I have this overwhelming urge to wish her luck, because in spite of it all, I do want her to be ok, maybe by email, but I couldnt handle any more rejection at this point, and I cant even belive I have made it this far without contacting her. I feel it would set me back if I broke down and did contact her. Or is it because its my stupid way of trying to hear from her again? Thx I personally think that you contacting her to wish her well in the hospital would make you a better person...She is/was wrong for what she has done, and she has to live with that...You know you did right by the relationship, at least you are walking away with a guilt free conscious, and no shame... With any surgery, there are risks...Not saying anything bad will go wrong, pray to god it doesn't, but there is always that risk, so If it were me, I would probably get in touch with her and let her know Id be thinking about them and hoping all goes well... Why would it set you back? By the way it sounds you still want her, so how would this "set you back" Another thing, wishing her well, how would that be any kind of rejection? I dont understand that?? I wish ya the best of luck, and hope in some way, my advice can help you if not any maybe a little...
kellydontwanttasleep Posted August 8, 2004 Posted August 8, 2004 if she doesn't want to see you anymore just let it go, there are lots of people out there.
Author stupidguy Posted August 8, 2004 Author Posted August 8, 2004 Why would it set you back? By the way it sounds you still want her, so how would this "set you back" Another thing, wishing her well, how would that be any kind of rejection? I dont understand that?? Thanks for the advice. I have to really think about this one hard I guess the main reason I feel I shouldnt contact her is that Im very angry at her for betraying me, and even putting me in a position where simply wishing her well wishes on her surgery is a struggle for me. That may or may not make sense. See, everyday that goes by, Im struggling with the fact that my relationship with her was just an image. An invention by her. It had to be for her to just walk out of my life, never look back. We were very close friends also. Im stunned for the first time in my life, im absolutely stunned. I do realize that she wouldnt know what to say, as she would have to admit that she was planning on reconciling with her ex, and I suspect that is why she totally alienated me. anyone that knew us as a couple, they say dont contact her, she couldnt care if you are upset, hurt, etc. and she probably doesnt want to hear from you. And that she is quite happy that I just went away without a fight. She lives 100 miles away, knows she wont see you again, and is fine with that. Leave her alone. Thats what my close freinds tell me, but it only helps for a minute. And as for my conscience being clear? Absolutely. You bet it is. I took care of this girl when noone would. not even her parents. Kelly says leave her alone. She may be right. SG
amanda25 Posted August 8, 2004 Posted August 8, 2004 Originally posted by stupidguy I guess the main reason I feel I shouldnt contact her is that Im very angry at her for betraying me, and even putting me in a position where simply wishing her well wishes on her surgery is a struggle for me." That is totally understandable...You have every right to be angry,etc... "That may or may not make sense. See, everyday that goes by, Im struggling with the fact that my relationship with her was just an image. An invention by her. It had to be for her to just walk out of my life, never look back. We were very close friends also. Im stunned for the first time in my life, im absolutely stunned." An ex of mine and i dated for 3 yrs..I was just an "item" to him, i guess, and for the longest time, i couldnt get over him...I met the guy I am with now, and It got alot easier...Then I realized why it was so hard, and I dealt with it...About 3 months ago, he called me..I told him I was coming to his house-he agreed, but Im sure he thought other than what I had planned...I looked him in the eyes, and for the first time EVER I said my peace... I asked him first why? Why did you do this to me? Why did I deserve this? What did I do? He answered all my questions, and I then told him "For the first time in my life I feel proud to look at you and tell you that I am better off without you, the man i am with now, is my true love and my life, And I can honestly say I dont want you anymore"..He was shocked, I know he was...His facial expressions were great! I went on to tell him how he hurt me, emotionally,physically, all the things he did to me to make him see HE was the one that lost in the end...And I tell ya, that was all i needed...I could care less anymore what happens to him..He was no good for me... So, maybe if you called her to wish her well with her surgery, you should tell her how you feel. For once, put her on the spot, let her feel shame and remorse and make her regret ever losing you...Even if it does no good, Im sure you will feel better telling her how she made you feel, and what she did to you...Just an idea, it worked for me.. "And as for my conscience being clear? Absolutely. You bet it is. I took care of this girl when noone would. not even her parents." Thats more than alot of men can say...Good For You...I hope you mend from all of this, and end up with someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated...Seems like good men are hard to find anymore....Keep you head up, you'll do fine!! "Kelly says leave her alone. She may be right. SG Yep she may be..Just my opinion
sweetmo Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 You really sound like a very caring, thoughtful person. On the one hand it would make you seem the better person to call her and wish her well, however, I don't think she deserves that, and it seems you are the better person anyway and don't have anything to prove here. She & her 'ex' were exes for a reason, and such reunions usually don't last. She threw something so good away for that, and it was such a disrespect to you. I'd say, don't contact her to wish her well unless you can do it without expectations of getting anything back from her. Your only expectation would be the intrinsic feeling that you did something for her again, wanting to be nice and caring for her. But again, it doesn't sound like she deserves anything more from you... Good luck...
maui2k4 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I wish I listen to my own advice sometimes. I am less than a week removed from my recent break up (we have broken up several times before - that should be a huge sign) and I have not gone by the no contact rule. She left me for another guy she met only a week and a half ago that she works with. I think it is only natural to want to contact the person that just left you because you did not want the same thing. I know I want her to know how much it hurts, but in the end all contact does is make things worse for you. I can speak to that. If I had stopped contact last Wed when we broke it off I would be on my way. Now, I have had contact every day almost and I am no better off than last week. I know I have to back away to allow myself to let go of any remaining feelings and move on. Otherwise I will not only be suceptible to her coming back if this guy bolts or she dumps him, but it also prevents me from moving on. No contact is the best contact. I just wish it were as easy to do as it is to write...
Author stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks sweetmo. I think I'm gonna send a quick one line email, wishing her luck. Wishing her luck is the right thing to do. Whether I hear back from her isnt important, in my head our relationship is over anyway and im not about to change that part of my personality because of her lack of respect. Let her think what she wants. Makes no difference to me at this point. Im movin on. THX
sweetmo Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Stupidguy, I think you picked the right way to go. You'll contact her with the simple 'good wishes' email. Stick to it - sometimes as your typin out that email other thoughts may start to cloud and it could grow into something larger. So stick to the plan, the simple email, so you feel better about what you did. Great attitude! I can tell you'll do just fine as each day passes. Now if only the guy who broke my heart would contact me! LOL (sigh) sweetmo
snilljente Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I am going through the same situation......someone I thought was totally adoring me, just poof, it's over...he doesn't return calls, nothing....If they only knew the suffering their total silence causes.....I have thought alot about this situation myself and now after reading your posts....generally, I am all for being the bigger person....I do what I feel is right....at the end of my life, I want to look back and know that I lived the life I wanted to live and treated people how I would have liked to have been treated...whether they reciprocate is not in my control....but I have peace in knowing I did my part. Let me clarify one thing though, this does not mean being a doormat.....there's a fine line....you are doing the right thing, send her the message, but going on with her life, if anything, your caring heart will touch her (maybe not for years) and she will realize what she lost. In the meantime, find a woman deserving of your love....she threw that away and that shows that she doesn't know the value of a person truly caring about her. You deserve better. Hang in there.
Author stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Sweetmo, I hope everything goes well for you too. I emailed her. Got an answer in 3 minutes. Very business like tone, tells me she is going it alone, with hardly any help from parents. Thanked me, and I should take care. Didnt make me feel bad either, kinda re affirmed what i knew already. So the no contact rule can be broken, and it can help you get over it. hope others read this and it helps them too.
Author stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 snilljente, I hear you. Hope you get some peace of mind soon. I think the thing that is helping me the most is not going with the anger that fills your heart after the pain subsides a bit. I mean really, could you honestly say that you could take someone back that shows a total lack of respect for you? Im realizing that I couldnt. I imagine that if we were to reunite, yea, the excitement, the feeling of being whole again would not last long. I wouldnt be able to ever trust her again, and the resentment would surface again, probably I would be the one to leave. Why go thru that? Doesnt make sense. If a person is capable of doing this kind of thing, it will surely rear its ugly head again. People dont change, thats a fact. So, I say at this point, its their loss, they will pay in the end, and it doesnt matter if we know how they feel when not with us. Who cares if they realize what they have done? These kind are too selfish, narcisstic to think that way, thats why its easy for them to do this type of thing. Time to leave the Twilight Zone and head back home. Good Luck! JL aka Stupidguy
snilljente Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 You're right....no I wouldn't want him back....it is a total lack of respect, not to mention cruel....I mean we are in our 30s both divorced, being the ones left....I had spoken to him about my trust issues...I had asked him several times if he wanted to break up.....he never took the out....kept stringing me along....and then the silent treatment.....he said he needs space due to personal issues, but I'm sorry...if he is willing to risk losing me...like you said, the issue would come up again.......I am mourning the person that I THOUGHT that is was and now realize that he wasn't. I know that he is not right for me, but it still hurts....gets a little better everyday though. Thanks for you encouragement.
Author stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 The silent treatment....ugh I hate that one It always made me madder because i couldnt figure out... How do they do it? I cant. I wanna know whats wrong now. Fix it.
snilljente Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Me too! I want to fix it...and you can't fix it if you don't have a CLUE as to what you did wrong.....thing is, what I am being told is that it is often nothing you did wrong, but the other person's inability to cope with life....they run......they are cowards.....Funny, my ex talked a bit about how I was so much more of a well rounded person than the other girls that he had dated...then he did this....He obviously doesn't get that you won't end up with a good person if you yourself don't treat others well, CONSISTENTLY...he had a very good act going there for a while...but the behavior must be consistent, over time, good times and bad...another lesson learned !
say what Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Email her and then block her out this way you satisfy your urge to send her the message while at the same time making sure you have no expectations.
sweetmo Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Stupidguy, so glad that it worked out as it did. Boy! She responded fast too! I've decided I will contact the guy I was dating. In this situation his father died (committed suicide) without warning, and being with me even though it was great, was too much. Our relationship was fairly new, however, it still has been difficult b/c his cutting me off was sudden and unexpected, and I was falling in love. He needed to work through his demons alone. How can I judge him for handling his grief in his own way. It's touch and go if I'll ever see him again, but I'm just going to do as you did and send a brief hello, wishing him well, and letting him know he can call me should he want to. I think if I were in his position I'd appreciate anyone reaching out, hopefully he will too... Wish me luck!
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