Should this relationship progress?

[egirl907]

This might be a little lengthy because I have some explaining to do with my situation.

 

So let me just start out by saying that I have a "relationship" that could potentially turn into a massive problem if I don't get proper advice and/or clarity with opinions on my situation.

 

I've recently met (what I think) is the man of my dreams. He's 26, I'm 21. I know the age difference sounds immature but we are both full time students pursuing our careers and also working. This guy is everything I want: He's handsome, charming, likable, suave, treats me decent, and the sex is out of this world. We go on dates from time to time, each have our own apartment, spend nights together, and watch lots of movies and TV with great conversations.

 

I really like him and we have been going like this for three months nearly. The problem is, a big number of people in his life recently passed. I've been there for him, given him space, been supportive and patient, etc.. A few nights ago, I confessed that I would like to potentially be his girlfriend and be with him some day.

 

He told me he is suffering from depression and not emotionally available for a relationship right now. He also said he might be moving to another state in a year and half, (coincidentally, the state is one of the top five places I plan to finish my masters degree.) I did not tell him that though because I didn't want to scare him off. After the talk, I told him I respect him and asked him if he wanted to still see me. He said definitely.

 

The rest of the night we cuddled on and off and watched movies with pizza. He paid. It seems like we are everything but the girlfriend/boyfriend label. Should I drop this guy or keep living my life to the fullest? Like, nowadays, does a label even matter or is it a good thing to date someone for 6 months to a year before being "official" and introducing to family and friends. I'm just used to past boyfriends asking me to be their girlfriend after a few dates.

 

He definitely likes me, I can tell with his words and eye contact.

 

I'm a published author, own my own coffee shop, and work for the college newspaper. I'm a very independent woman and he likes that about me. I'm just asking if anyone thinks this is a wild goose chase. Should I continue seeing him, where we hang out at college, see each other and have sleepovers and great sex and dates? After what he told me, I am perfectly content with no label but would like to think he'd want me by the time a year and a half is up (when he possibly moves.) I say this because he also says he only plans to see me and date and I felt the same. (I turned down a lot of guys who recently asked me out.)

 

The only thing I was concerned about was him saying to me "My biggest fear would be hurting you," "I've never been good in relationships." and "It wouldn't be fair to you to not give my whole self away." And of course, the whole no label thing. Maybe it's my own insecurity. Those lines shiver me a little bit.

 

Thoughts and opinions? I know this is long but I want to know if it sounds like a sketchy guy. I know many women face the situation of getting involved with a guy who is "emotionally unavailable" and I myself have even heard guys pull that line out their ass in the past.

 

Thanks so much for your time!!!

 

p.s., Also, I don't know if this helps but he visits me at work a lot too

[clia]

In my view, three months of sleepovers and sex is more than enough time for him to figure out whether or not he wants you to be his girlfriend. While he may like what you have to offer for now (sex and sleepovers), he does not seem to be that into you. Nowadays is no different than prior days. Men who are into you demand exclusivity and introduce you to their friends and family. They are terrified you might go date someone else.

 

The "lack of emotional availability" is an excuse so he can keep stringing you along. The things he has said to you (about hurting you, not being good in relationships, etc) should be huge red flags. He is warning you. Listen to him.

 

I personally don't believe that a label is just a label. If you truly don't care--and will never care--keep dating him. But certainly don't hold your breath waiting to hear it, because if you haven't gotten it by now, you likely never will. If I were you, I would end it and go out with the other guys who are pounding down your door. Among them may be a man who will step up and be proud to call you his girlfriend without lame excuses.

[veggirl]

I would tell him to call me when he is ready to be "emotionally available" and that if I'm single then possibly we can re-assess.

 

Don't wait around for him, he is essentially using you whether he is doing so intentionally or not. He is using you for comfort and companionship and he is getting all of that without having to committ to you.

 

You should start dating other guys and you should tell him that you are going to do that.

[mesmerized]

So you want to continue this in the hope of him still wanting you in a year and a half? No matter how many things you wrote and published, you sound very naive. He very clearly told you that he is not planning anything long term with you. You are there for him to enjoy sex and companionship he can easily get until he makes his other decisions in life. He already sees you as a fun short term thing. Get out of this "relationship" Unless you want the same thing.

[FitChick]

If you like him, continue to date him but make it clear that you are dating others because you are looking for a committed relationship and not a casual one, which is what you have with him. If he chooses to be exclusive with you, that is his choice. Maybe he'll realize that he could lose you.

 

However, it sounds like he needs grief counseling if several members of his family have died. He might be afraid to get close to anyone for fear of them dying as well. He needs to sort that out.

[PinkSapphire]

Those things he said to you that make you shiver? that is your instinct telling you that in manspeak, he means: "I don't like you at all, but you are easy, so I will say whatever I need to to keep getting free sex but not get your hopes up. If you call me out on it later, I can remind you of these three lines I gave you, and then go commit to someone I am into."

 

Stop turning down dates with guys who might actually like you for you adn not for convenient, easy sex. Dump this guy who very nicely and honestly told you he cares nothing for you, and find a man who wants what you do. Clearly, a relationship, complete with label (because he is proud of you and doe snot want to lose you to a more with-it guy) and nice gestures because he likes you. Sex is good, too, but that shouldn't be the only thing he wants from you.

 

Good luck!

[egirl907]

He is the second guy I have had sex with. I waited to lose virginity at 20 so I am not easy. Lets just say that I will not have sex with this guy until he commits and when he takes me out on dates I will have him drop me off, no sleepovers. I mean it. Your advice helped me so thanks everyone . I'm going to think of all these replies whenever he tries to get into my pants now.