Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I've been lurking for a little while and I would welcome your input on my current situation. I found out recently my partner of 9 years has been having an affair for two years with a woman from work. I found out a while ago that he texted her a lot but I believed it was just friendship as she (and this isn't meant to sound bitchy) is not someone he would usually go for or find remotely attractive. The worst thing is he finally admitted that he had been bringing her to our home when I was away with work and sleeping with her. I have asked him to move out, I am in so much pain. But, I wondered if any of you had gone through an OW having access to your home. I feel so invaded, it doesn't feel like my home anymore. Everywhere I look or touch brings images of them together, I can't escape. I have nowhere to go either. I really don't care about her, it could have been her or a million others she seems very ordinary. I've asked him not to contact me for a while until I can see through the pain, I just feel too broken and I'm sleeping a lot but in strange places - i cant go into our bedroom although it could have been any place really. Anyone had a similar experience? Are there more stages that I should look forward to? Do you ever feel happy again in your home?
2sunny Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I found it useful to get rid of anything that reminded me of him. Especially freeing to redo the look in the bedroom. New sheets, blankets and pillows! New towels too! Set all his stuff outside and tell him it's on the curb... To hurry before strangers pick it all up! 1
Mount Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I agree. Even myself don't understand those men have to bring OWs to their house, to satisfy what kind of mentality? 2
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I would get rid of everything including the mattress. It's symbolic and cleansing to do so...in fact, I would insist he throw the crap out and hire a professional cleaning crew himself . And I know that sounds spiteful ...and it is but also, think about everything being represented in those actions. It might help. 1
BetrayedH Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Have to agree with the above posters. I ultimately moved out. Basically took nothing with me. I found out it takes about $6k to replace 42 years worth of stuff. In the end, I'm glad my wife got the house and starting my second life was truly a pretty fresh slate. She can have all that **** and I hope it's a daily reminder to her of what she did to our family. 1
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Thanks to all of you. This probably sounds awful as I wouldn't wish this on anyone - but it helps to know I'm not the only one. I just will never know why he wouldn't just go to a hotel, why he would bring her here is beyond me. Our lives, photographs, memories, animals, everything is here - I think there must be something seriously wrong with the both of them to be able to put their surroundings out of their mind. Not bothered about his big stupid pen*s extension car though I know they spent mostly their time in there There are people out there who are good aren't there? People who would never cheat? I need to see some good in the world. I'm struggling to figure out what was missing, I never let myself go, was loving and caring and tried to keep the excitement. I never suspected anything really, he was really loving until I got an 'anonymous' message which turned out to be the OW. She obviously thought I was just going to smile, pack my bags and wish them well so that she cold be a permanent fixture in our home. I was being the best I could be - it just obviously wasn't good enough. The thought of breaking my house up right now sounds just too painful - I haven't even shared with anyone else yet, I'm too humiliated.
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 It's what was missing... IN HIM.. and that's something you'll probably never know. So please try not to dwell. There are good people, but they're harder and harder to find in this day and age. Thanks Hawaii50, I know somewhere deep inside that the problem is with I'm. I guess it's still pretty raw and I'm finding it hard to gain any understanding or sensibility. I'm still in the phase of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing ugly, worthless, boring. I KNOW time will heal me, I guess I'm just wishing I could press the fast forward button to the time that I realise that he was an idiot to risk what he had with me. So hard...
BetrayedH Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 It's what was missing... IN HIM.. and that's something you'll probably never know. So please try not to dwell. There are good people, but they're harder and harder to find in this day and age. Agreed. This wasn't about you; it's about him. Some people just need more external validation than one person can provide. Or they have an over-developed sense of entitlement. Or are just too conflict-avoidant and lack the courage to address issues in the relationship. Probably stems back to his family of origin. Regardless, it wasn't you and in almost two years of suffering and studying infidelity, it very rarely has anything to do with the person that was betrayed. He had an obligation to fix the relationship or leave it. He chose the cowardly and selfish third option. Cut yourself a break and cut him loose. 1
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Thanks BetrayedH, and I'm sorry for the pain you must have went through...it feels worse than grief. Ugh. On the subject of cutting loose, I haven't even got to that point yet. I'm a born fixer, thinking I can find a solution to problems that present themselves to me. At this moment, I both cant imagine a future without him whilst can't imagining a future WITH him. It's a strange place to be, my brain feels like its cut in half. I asked him to move out and let me be while I try to get to somewhere where I can make some sort of decision on where we go from here. I've just really climbed into a hole but I know I need to make some decisions soon and start some thinking.
BetrayedH Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I wouldn't pressure yourself to make a decision "soon." You may be forgiving but it takes two things to reconcile: (1) A truly remorseful wayward partner and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed partner. What you must understand is that 2 CANNOT come before 1. You cannot fix this on your own, as much as you may want to. And it can take a very long time to determine if a wayward is truly remorseful. Most of them just continue to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more to control the damage as much as possible. They're only sorry they got caught. And we also want the pain to stop and to regain our lives as soon as possible (so we end up offering "cheap forgiveness"). If I may ask, what is he doing to clean up after the nuke he dropped on your relationship? 3
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Sometime soon youre going to have to explore with your husband what he is willing to take on as part of reconciliation. Because although you have to work together, the heavy lifting is on his shoulders. You can tell him what you need, when you know....but meanwhile, what actions is he taking on his own to figure this out. So often, the WS says tell me what to do...how the F can you possibly know? He has do some lifting on his own. Anyway, as to the "HOW could you bring her to our home? " . I'm not going to make light of that, even though cheating comes in all kinds of packages....that's a special kind of violating. We all ask the how could you question...with various degrees of no success because ...they dont know, sometimes they have disassociated from the act so much...that they can't figure out or verbalize the answer. Bullshyte I know. Selfish is all it is. He didn't bring her there to violate you. He probably felt it was convenient, safe, and cheap. But I'm with you, this hurts. 1
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) BetrayedH, you make a good point that never even occurred to me - how do I even know he is truly remorseful??? He lied for days until OW sent me photographic evidence (I didn't realise she was OW at this point by the way, she was undercover as an anonymous 'concerned for my welfare' person - very sly, very deceitful and very cowardly, but I'm trying to to focus on her). He sent thousands of messages to me of how he was going to fight for us blah blah blah, he took himself off to counselling (so he told me, anyway) and got those close to him worried that HE was suicidal, if I get one more message saying 'I've never seen him like this...he's really struggling' I'll scream. I'm ignoring them as they're trying to pave his way to forgiveness. 2sure you're right. He isn't shouldering responsibility. This sounds strange but my intuition feels like he has some deep rooted hatred for me. I only say this because in the past few years he has two drunken rages which we put down to too much alcohol and poor judgement - both times he never touched me physically but his aggression was enough for me to leave the house for the night. At other times, he is perfect - caring, loving, attentive, complimentary. It's funny isn't it. I always thought I'd go crazy if I found he was cheating on me but instead I've gone into retreat mode. I don't usually sound this feeble Edited November 24, 2012 by Tainted love Stupid autocorrect
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Has he always thought you were too good for him? 1
freestyle Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) BetrayedH, you make a good point that never even occurred to me - how do I even know he is truly remorseful??? He lied for days until OW sent me photographic evidence (I didn't realise she was OW at this point by the way, she was undercover as an anonymous 'concerned for my welfare' person - very sly, very deceitful and very cowardly, but I'm trying to to focus on her). He sent thousands of messages to me of how he was going to fight for us blah blah blah, he took himself off to counselling (so he told me, anyway) and got those close to him worried that HE was suicidal, if I get one more message saying 'I've never seen him like this...he's really struggling' I'll scream. I'm ignoring them as they're trying to pave his way to forgiveness. 2sure you're right. He isn't shouldering responsibility. This sounds strange but my intuition feels like he has some deep rooted hatred for me. I only say this because in the past few years he has two drunken rages which we put down to too much alcohol and poor judgement - both times he never touched me physically but his aggression was enough for me to leave the house for the night. At other times, he is perfect - caring, loving, attentive, complimentary. It's funny isn't it. I always thought I'd go crazy if I found he was cheating on me but instead I've gone into retreat mode. I don't usually sound this feeble You're in understandable shock. It often precedes anger. The fact that he didn't come clean of his own volition, but you had to hear it from the OW, also compounds the injury. It means the affair could very well still be going on, if she hadn't taken that action. Have you done any reading on passive-aggressive personalities? Your WH is ticking a lot of the boxes on the checklist for those behaviors. Please don't be pressured to make any decisions, based on his family trying to get you to feel sorry for him. I find it insulting that they would even go there, considering his actions towards you. Edited November 24, 2012 by freestyle 2
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 2sure, no I wouldn't say he has always thought that and it's only a guess that he does now, he's successful himself. He's been really supportive of me developing myself and getting a better career, I just didn't realise there was a trade off. I guess it's the only thing I can think that's changed about me in the last few years. Freestyle, thanks too. I guess I am in shock. Not looking forward to the anger phase I had a quick peek at passive aggressiveness, I can see some traits I guess, especially hostility and creating chaotic situations. If he IS having IC would that be something the counsellor would unearth with him? As for those close to him, I suppose he has got them all fooled. In one way i am glad he has them as I panicked when i thought about his suicidal thoughts but then I felt like it could be a trick to gain my sympathy. I got through it without contacting him (although did kind of alert one of his friends to check on him) although I felt spooked all night. I can't bring myself to tell anyone in my circle at the moment, I have a good support network but I just don't feel ready for them to land on me with sympathy, it feels a little too raw. This isn't how it was supposed to be
MsDecember Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I sold all of our bedroom furniture on craigslist. Wow was that theraputic. I got new bedding and just kind of blessed the room with my own prayers and blessings. I have since sold our marital home and miss the good memories, but glad to close the chapter of all the bad ones. I honestly don't know if my EX brought the OW into our home without my knowledge. I can't imagine how you feel about the invasion of your privacy. 1
Author Tainted love Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 That does sound pretty cathartic, MsDec Invasion is a good word, I just don't know how anyone could be so cruel to do that to another person, especially one you claim you love...
2sunny Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 It's useful for him to create situations that are "concerning" (suicidal) because it deflects the focus from his bad behavior and gains him sympathy! Only a sick and selfish mind does those stunts. 1
2sure Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 TL...that's a huge change, and deserving of your thoughts. My relationships have been, intentionally, with successful men because I have found that even among them...my own success has been a factor in a negative way. I have been with guys less successful, it's not THAT important to me...but thats been worse. And I'm more family than career oriented, I'm just enthusiastic to contribute. It's an issue, don't short change that thought. Many men think they want a successful woman, and will support endeavors to do so...but feel emasculated when we do. Another thread entirely I'm sure, but you may be on the right track. He is feeling less about himself for some reason. 1
Author Tainted love Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Thanks 2sure. It's an unsavoury thought in these times - I always thought a partner would want an all rounder who is trying to be the best they can be. But it seems that perhaps he preferred me to go back to more naive and unconfident times where he perhaps had more control. Saying that, I can only speculate - at the end of the day, only someone without a heart would put their partner through this level of pain. I've made the mistake in the past where I've heard of affairs and thought that it usually takes two to tango. But this experience has helped me realise that isn't true. There's not much he could say that I have done apart from offer him kindness, love and care. He's been lucky in many respects but has been unable to appreciate that in anyway.
Recommended Posts