2sunny Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Sure. Totally independent to any dinners though. It is exactly the point. You are saying people of the opposite sex, where one or both are married, should not share a meal. It is exactly the point. Well I guess your boundaries are a lot narrower than others. You must keep a short leash Yes, now that he is no longer with his wife that is true. Never before that time. Your focusing on the "dinner" is allowing you to miss my point. I don't give men the impression that I will talk "intimate details" when I spend time with them. A leash? Come on - I do what I want - I'm single! There's no "leash" - I call it INTEGRITY! Try it on for size! IF you intend to change it from "friends" to "lovers" try discussing it honestly with him and see what he says.
frozensprouts Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 OP, you've said yourself that you felt there as more between you than just friendship, and it has been that way for a long time...you've had really strong feelings for him, and you thought he did for you too...way before his wife had an affair....you chose to spend a lot of "one on one' time with him, and it almost seems like you were hoping that their marriage wouldn't last ( not saying you would have sabotaged it, but rather that you wouldn't have been upset, and you'd probably have been happy , if it failed, as that would mean he could be with you) when put into that context, it seems that you really did have some pretty poor boundaires with this guy...you allowed yourself to develop romantic feelings for him, and didn't stop the relationship once you knew they were there...you even hinted to him years ago ( the kiss that lasted longer than it should have) that you didn't have a problem with getting romantically involved with him...I really have to wonder if he had come to you with no marriage problems but just wanting to be with you in an affair, would you have said "no' or would you have allowed it to happen...
Author wtcatmwp Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Your focusing on the "dinner" is allowing you to miss my point. I don't give men the impression that I will talk "intimate details" when I spend time with them. I think it is you and other posters that have blown a dinner between friends way out of proportion. Did I develop feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him? Yes. Did I ever pursue that? No. Why is any of that relevant to having dinners? Do you think I would not have developed these feelings if we weren't having the occasional dinner? I also have dinner with a few other married men (oh shock horror), I have not developed feelings for them, Why? If these dinners between friends are the start of something bigger then I should have a few guys lined up by now. I will put these dinners into perspective for you, Maybe you will be able to see that there is no romantic intentions at these dinner. Yes I have romantic intentions with this one guy but they developed totally independently to the dinners. I am not a girly girl, pretty much I'm a tom boy. I like my sports. While I was still with my partner we would often go and watch our footy team play. When we played teams that our friends support we would go with them. Well not them but rather the guy from the couple as the girls weren't interested. We would have dinner before the game and then head off to watch the game. Simple really. When my relationship ended we just kept on doing it minus my partner. So just me and the married man, oh wow, shock, two friends continue what they have always done with zero sexual tension and zero distrust from their partners. Simple really. Now the situation with my next door neighbour is a little more complex. He supports the same team I do and so these dinners happen more often, just as they did when my ex partner was also there, no other reason for it. Sure over time I have developed serious feelings for him but to put all that down to having dinners is absurd. If it was the case I would also be falling for all these other guys. He is a great man, I fell for him because he is a great man. I resisted because he was married. Now that they are not married (for all intents and purposes) I will make myself available to him. I will wear whatever criticisms come from that with pride as I have done nothing wrong. I have not cheated, he has not cheated, I have nothing to be ashamed of. So go ahead and link innocent dinners to their marriage break up all you wont but it is simply just not true.
standtall Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I think it is you and other posters that have blown a dinner between friends way out of proportion. Did I develop feelings for him? Yes. Do I want to be with him? Yes. Did I ever pursue that? No. Why is any of that relevant to having dinners? Do you think I would not have developed these feelings if we weren't having the occasional dinner? I also have dinner with a few other married men (oh shock horror), I have not developed feelings for them, Why? If these dinners between friends are the start of something bigger then I should have a few guys lined up by now. I will put these dinners into perspective for you, Maybe you will be able to see that there is no romantic intentions at these dinner. Yes I have romantic intentions with this one guy but they developed totally independently to the dinners. I am not a girly girl, pretty much I'm a tom boy. I like my sports. While I was still with my partner we would often go and watch our footy team play. When we played teams that our friends support we would go with them. Well not them but rather the guy from the couple as the girls weren't interested. We would have dinner before the game and then head off to watch the game. Simple really. When my relationship ended we just kept on doing it minus my partner. So just me and the married man, oh wow, shock, two friends continue what they have always done with zero sexual tension and zero distrust from their partners. Simple really. Now the situation with my next door neighbour is a little more complex. He supports the same team I do and so these dinners happen more often, just as they did when my ex partner was also there, no other reason for it. Sure over time I have developed serious feelings for him but to put all that down to having dinners is absurd. If it was the case I would also be falling for all these other guys. He is a great man, I fell for him because he is a great man. I resisted because he was married. Now that they are not married (for all intents and purposes) I will make myself available to him. I will wear whatever criticisms come from that with pride as I have done nothing wrong. I have not cheated, he has not cheated, I have nothing to be ashamed of. So go ahead and link innocent dinners to their marriage break up all you wont but it is simply just not true. Spoken from the perspective of a single woman who has dinner with other women's husbands. Put yourself in the wives shoes, and I guarantee that you will be singing a different tune. And I thought women were supposed to be empathetic, put in your case, the narcissism just dominates. You finally got what you wanted...ruined a marriage and stole the dude....good luck to you.
Author wtcatmwp Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Typically if you were interested in developing a relationship with a single, available man, you would make a point of socializing in situations with single, available men trying to make something "click" with one of those guys. What makes you think I don't socialise with single men as well?
karacan Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Here is what I would do. I would ask him what he wants to do as far as his marriage is concerned. Does he want a divorce or does he want to stay and work it out with his wife? Then I would support him with whatever choice he made. Then I would back off and not pursue him, as hard as it will be because chances are that if you do get with him right after a divorce, all you will be is a rebound girl and all his reactions to your relationship will be clouded by his emotional state and not mutual desire to be together. Then if you still want him when he heals from the recent events then pursue him all you want. But right now, his wife may be resenting her actions more than you know and by you stepping in they will not be able to salvage anything.
karacan Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Spoken from the perspective of a single woman who has dinner with other women's husbands. Put yourself in the wives shoes, and I guarantee that you will be singing a different tune. And I thought women were supposed to be empathetic, put in your case, the narcissism just dominates. You finally got what you wanted...ruined a marriage and stole the dude....good luck to you. Not to be rude but his wife is the one that cheated on him so she cant put herself in the wifes shoes. I do think they were having an unspoken emotional affair and he enjoyed it as much as she did simply because he kept coming back for more and technically, she did NOT ruin their marriage his wife did that. She did, however, get what she wanted and I assume, he secretly wanted too. Now as far as the dinners go, I wonder if she was the only female he did this with and if she was it was probably because he liked her company more than just friends.
Author wtcatmwp Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 Now as far as the dinners go, I wonder if she was the only female he did this with and if she was it was probably because he liked her company more than just friends. No, I was not the only female he had dinners with. In fact in our circle of friends it is very common. I don't know, maybe we trust each other more than the average people? For example, just this weekend two of our group shared a meal. Both their daughters dance and had a rehearsal, it goes for three hours. The F from one couple was taking her daughter and the M from another couple was taking their daughter. They decided to car pool, while the girls were dancing they went for dinner. Is that really a big deal? It really seems to me that not allowing your partner to share a perfectly innocent dinner with a friend of the opposite sex is very untrusting. If you think these dinners lead to cheating and on that basis keep your partner away from them then in effect what you are saying to your partner is that I think that if you do go to these types of dinners that something more will develop. Following that through logically; you keep your partner away to limit their opportunities to cheat as opposed to letting them go because you trust them. And I'm the one copping the criticism !?!?!
frozensprouts Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 No, I was not the only female he had dinners with. In fact in our circle of friends it is very common. I don't know, maybe we trust each other more than the average people? For example, just this weekend two of our group shared a meal. Both their daughters dance and had a rehearsal, it goes for three hours. The F from one couple was taking her daughter and the M from another couple was taking their daughter. They decided to car pool, while the girls were dancing they went for dinner. Is that really a big deal? It really seems to me that not allowing your partner to share a perfectly innocent dinner with a friend of the opposite sex is very untrusting. If you think these dinners lead to cheating and on that basis keep your partner away from them then in effect what you are saying to your partner is that I think that if you do go to these types of dinners that something more will develop. Following that through logically; you keep your partner away to limit their opportunities to cheat as opposed to letting them go because you trust them. And I'm the one copping the criticism !?!?! for goodness sake...you even said yourself that for many many years now, you've felt more than just friendship for this woman's husband...and even kissed him once a number of years ago...and that you let him now you would have been open to more, but it didn't happen...could it be that all these years of dinners, etc. you were hoping for it to become more, and just maybe doing a little bit ( maybe even without realizing it) to have it become more than just a 'friendship"? You knew you'd crossed the line from "just friends", yet you didn't pull back or stop being friends with him/her, ... if you can't see the problem here, then I would suggest that you give it a bit more thought...if you still think it's okay, then your boundaries are pretty weak... if you were in a relationship with a guy, and yu found out he kissed another woman, what would you think? The what if you found out that she would have been open to to having romantic relationship with him, but he said "no', and the friendship continued, all the wile she was hoping it would turn into more? what would you think then?
Author wtcatmwp Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 for goodness sake...you even said yourself that for many many years now, you've felt more than just friendship for this woman's husband...and even kissed him once a number of years ago...and that you let him now you would have been open to more, but it didn't happen...could it be that all these years of dinners, etc. you were hoping for it to become more, and just maybe doing a little bit ( maybe even without realizing it) to have it become more than just a 'friendship"? You knew you'd crossed the line from "just friends", yet you didn't pull back or stop being friends with him/her, ... if you can't see the problem here, then I would suggest that you give it a bit more thought...if you still think it's okay, then your boundaries are pretty weak... if you were in a relationship with a guy, and yu found out he kissed another woman, what would you think? The what if you found out that she would have been open to to having romantic relationship with him, but he said "no', and the friendship continued, all the wile she was hoping it would turn into more? what would you think then? So since you believe these dinners are the crux of all evil than is it safe to assume that it would also be wrong for gay women/men to share a meal if one of them had a partner? What about a bisexual man or woman who had partners? Can they never have a one on one dinner with anyone of either sex? Look, I am no angel. I deserve some criticism and I am not trying to shy away from it but this fascination people have with sharing a meal is absurd. Maybe it's different in your social circles but in mine right throughout my life it is just normal, it's not like I am the only one doing it.
2sunny Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's not the meal that's the problem. As I have meals with men all the time. But married men - I know my boundary - and I never cross it - especially if any of my words or actions could cause harm to someone ( especially any mans wife or marriage). Look - you keep skirting your real issue here - by continuing to focus on the meal. A meal doesn't hurt others - your behavior during that meal is what caused the damage that's been done. That's you - not the meal. Just wanted to point out the obvious. 1
Author wtcatmwp Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 A meal doesn't hurt others - your behavior during that meal is what caused the damage that's been done. Good, so you agree with me, there is no problem at all sharing a meal with a person of the opposite sex that happens to be in a relationship. As long as it's purely platonic of course. I fell in love with this man and acted as best I could. I never pursued him, never. I could have made any number of advances over the years but did not. This is why the dinners we shared were perfectly normal, just two friends. Sure I had feelings and maybe he did too but we never shared them with each other until AFTER his wife destroyed their marriage. His slut wife cheats on him not just with another guy but basically starts swinging with this guy and apparently I got too involved in their marriage and I ruined it? I was only involved in their relationship as a friend and nothing more. The feelings I had I held inside, it wasn't like I said, hey come over whenever you're horny and I'll be ready to go.
LittleTiger Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Good, so you agree with me, there is no problem at all sharing a meal with a person of the opposite sex that happens to be in a relationship. As long as it's purely platonic of course. I fell in love with this man and acted as best I could. I never pursued him, never. I could have made any number of advances over the years but did not. This is why the dinners we shared were perfectly normal, just two friends. Sure I had feelings and maybe he did too but we never shared them with each other until AFTER his wife destroyed their marriage. His slut wife cheats on him not just with another guy but basically starts swinging with this guy and apparently I got too involved in their marriage and I ruined it? I was only involved in their relationship as a friend and nothing more. The feelings I had I held inside, it wasn't like I said, hey come over whenever you're horny and I'll be ready to go. Once you had started to develop feelings for this man, your relationship was no longer platonic! Whether you acted on the feelings or not is irrelevant! Are you really that naive? How do you think these feelings you have developed in the first place? By spending time alone together - in this case sharing intimate meals! Sure, you can justify what you're doing by saying that it was his wife who cheated first and that you didn't act on your feelings until she ruined the marriage BUT you are forgetting one very important fact. Affairs outside a marriage do not occur in a vacuum. His wife had an affair because their marriage was already in trouble - not the other way around! Whatever complicated collection of events and feelings led to their marital breakdown in recent years, you can be 100% sure that your 'platonic' dinners, and the feelings that grew from them, played a part - even if only a small one.
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