Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 Yes, I do have a balanced life. I like my job, I have good friends, I have interests that I pursue and share with others, I'm confident and resilient. This doesn't get negated by doing online dating. OLD is just another way to find a good match. If you're not getting results through what you normally do, why not change it up? There are a lot of cool, attractive people to be found online who see and use OLD much like I do. I met not only my current boyfriend , but a few prior boyfriends through it. Surely there's something you care about besides finding a boyfriend, getting married and having children. You go to school, right? What do you want to do with that? You really don't have any interests? Think about it, IB--what do you like, what do you do with friends? And why wouldn't you do stuff like see a band by yourself? Why not, if you like the band? Try going outside your comfort zone and answering these questions. I think if you spend some time getting to know yourself and what you like, cultivating yourself, and being truly comfortable with being alone, finding a guy will come much more easily to you. Going to places alone freaks me out a lot. Like going to the movies alone I could never do, even going to my schools library alone to study is something I can't do, I have always been like that and I remember my senior year in hs we did a college visit and my friend knew a girl there and this girl said "oh I used to hate being alone in hs but now you just get used to it it's ok" and I remember thinking ok that's good I will be able to handle being alone then I won't feel paranoid it never changed. I just feel like people are looking at me and think I'm a loser if I'm alone. They probably think "wow look at that girl she probably has no friends she's a total loser" it was really bad when I was in high school but now its bad but not as much. I hate sitting at a bar alone.. Idk I just have a hard time starting initial contact, and my therapist is helping me but its just hard because I'm afraid of what people think of me. A lot of how I feel is wrapped up in what others think. I have never been the type of person who doesn't care what others think. I want to be. As far as interests, I like sports I wish I knew more about them, I am excited to graduate and I really want to work in a court house or with the department of youth services, idk I guess it would be nice if I knew more about things I cared about. I have realized that I am a wispy washy person, I have no actual views. I call myself republican yet I was a super democrat like a year ago... That's just an example, I feel like other people views really effect me a lot, my dad is a super repub and always talks to me about it that's how I got into it. I guess I don't take the time to research and develop my own views which is really bad.
mysteryscape Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I just don't know if I can handle joining meeting someone then being stressed out about if they will delete their profile or how many other girls they are talking to etc.. And there are so many other really beautiful girls on POF it's just so hard. Yes, that is one of the most unpleasant things about OLD -- how can you trust anyone? And I've even found on OKCupid -- there's a question about whether you prefer to date multiple people or just one person when you're NOT in a serious relationship -- I've found that about 90% of women who answer this question say just one! Then they are asking for a lot of anxiety if they're on OLD!
tigressA Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Going to places alone freaks me out a lot. Like going to the movies alone I could never do, even going to my schools library alone to study is something I can't do, I have always been like that and I remember my senior year in hs we did a college visit and my friend knew a girl there and this girl said "oh I used to hate being alone in hs but now you just get used to it it's ok" and I remember thinking ok that's good I will be able to handle being alone then I won't feel paranoid it never changed. I just feel like people are looking at me and think I'm a loser if I'm alone. They probably think "wow look at that girl she probably has no friends she's a total loser" it was really bad when I was in high school but now its bad but not as much. I hate sitting at a bar alone.. Idk I just have a hard time starting initial contact, and my therapist is helping me but its just hard because I'm afraid of what people think of me. A lot of how I feel is wrapped up in what others think. I have never been the type of person who doesn't care what others think. I want to be. As far as interests, I like sports I wish I knew more about them, I am excited to graduate and I really want to work in a court house or with the department of youth services, idk I guess it would be nice if I knew more about things I cared about. I have realized that I am a wispy washy person, I have no actual views. I call myself republican yet I was a super democrat like a year ago... That's just an example, I feel like other people views really effect me a lot, my dad is a super repub and always talks to me about it that's how I got into it. I guess I don't take the time to research and develop my own views which is really bad. It's good that you realize this is something you need to work on. Now you just need to work on it. Dare yourself, a little bit, every day. It's terrifying at first, yes--I had to do it myself. But even if it doesn't work out the way you want, at least you tried, and that is amazingly empowering. It pushes you to go further and eventually succeed. Little things, every day, to build your confidence, to lessen your desire for approval from others, and to broaden your horizons. For you, the above should, at this time, be more important than finding someone to date. Physical attraction, sex, etc--all that's great, sure. But you need to be able to talk, to share things other than your body. That's where a relationship grows strong or withers and dies. 3
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 It's good that you realize this is something you need to work on. Now you just need to work on it. Dare yourself, a little bit, every day. It's terrifying at first, yes--I had to do it myself. But even if it doesn't work out the way you want, at least you tried, and that is amazingly empowering. It pushes you to go further and eventually succeed. Little things, every day, to build your confidence, to lessen your desire for approval from others, and to broaden your horizons. For you, the above should, at this time, be more important than finding someone to date. Physical attraction, sex, etc--all that's great, sure. But you need to be able to talk, to share things other than your body. That's where a relationship grows strong or withers and dies. So what should I do? I know that's probably the dumbest question but what can I do? Just try going places alone?
tigressA Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 So what should I do? I know that's probably the dumbest question but what can I do? Just try going places alone? Yeah, that's one thing. Go out, attend events, places you like and find interesting, or might find interesting. Talk to people. Just make small talk, see where it leads. Listen. Learn. Laugh. Smile. Try not to get discouraged if it doesn't go well at first. Do you read at all outside of class work? If you don't, start reading more. Read the news. Educate yourself on current events and from there you'll be able to start forming informed opinions and learn where your boundaries are. "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything." Find out what you stand for. Explore your interests. For example, I'm into interior decorating. I blog about what I'm doing to furnish my apartment and I search for decorating tips. I give friends decorating advice and sometimes help them go shopping for things. Think of what you like and ways you could cultivate those interests.
mysteryscape Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Have you tried just flirting with people while you're walking around campus or nearby? You can find lessons on the web, you know! "Flirting" can just start out with being friendly, even to both sexes. Start just with eye contact, then add a smile, then learn to say hi. Believe me, I know of shy people who've done it -- and eventually it makes a difference!
Recommended Posts