Sisyphus2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 I have been unhappily married for 17 years. My wife and I got married a brief period of knowing each other and finding out she was pregnant. Since that time we have had two more children. Our marriage has never been very good. Early on, I was sort of a pompous ass, who felt burdened put upon and trapped in the marriage. My wife at the time was the victim of a self centered person. I was young, and immature, and had no plans on being married, and having kids so early. Life’s plans and mine weren’t the same. After the first few years I think I began to change, and became a better man/husband. Unfortunately she never changed from being the victim in our marriage. We had struggles over money, sex, and a myriad of other things that were seemingly all my fault. I became more controlling over money because it was a big problem and my wife was reckless creating all sorts of debt and problems. I have never been unfaithful; I don't drink, do drugs, or abuse my wife or kids. I am hardworking, honest, and loyal. I think in most aspects I have been a good husband, provider for her and our family. I guess the issue is that I suck at giving her what she needs, and she sucks at giving me what I need. Ultimately everything seems to be my fault. At times I think my wife can be the most childish, petty and selfish person I know. She has complained that I treat her like a child, and I have told her to stop acting like one. (a bad fight after that comment ensued) I don't feel loved, and I don't know if I even know what that is, since I seem emotionally detached a lot of the time. I don't think my wife gives a damn about me, and I have sort of become numb in defense. I really crave a relationship where I think about a woman all the time, can’t wait to see her, just hold her, and have passion and intimacy with her, we only had that when we were dating. After marriage and kids, that all seemed to run out and what was left was an icy cold person, critical cutting and judgmental. I feel constantly judged and under the microscope, and sort of on the clock all the time. I work, she doesn't, during the economic downturn things got really tough, but she still would not help financially, and we fought constantly about money. I am a frugal person, she is not. She had no accountability on the financial end of our lives; I carried 100% in every aspect. Over the years, she has threatened to leave multiple times, seen attorneys on two occasions and lately after a big fight laid out specific plans on how things were to go, (in her plans) once we were divorced, which are favorable and fair I think. Each time I have worked hard to keep us together, and try to work on all my defects that I have been told I have by her. I am sure many of the things she says is true. I tune people out, I don't listen, I get frustrated from being taking for granted, and I can be a bully. The latest issue was the worst, a big fight over money brewed over and became personal. She gave me the timeline, got her family, friends involved. Since I did not want to tell my family and friends, I consulted our pastor and have been getting advice from him. She has a network of support, I don’t. I basically have no friends anymore since my family became my everything and don’t want my family to know my personal business. I am depressed about how my life turned out to the this point, my wife points out that I am depressed and suggests I do something about it, (she means treatment) but I am not really into taking medicine to numb myself anymore than what I am. I want my circumstances to change, not really what I feel about the circumstances. In talking with my pastor we work through things I am feeling its mostly hurt anger. My wife still lives in our home, sort of a roommate situation. There is little communication, no real contact, no sex, and no connection to her, she avoids me, sleeps in my daughters bed, and is cold and distant. She does not really talk to me, unless it is something she or the kids need. Aside from that I am sort of dead. Never asked me anything that leads me to believe she cares about me. As this continues it gets worse for me to the point of wondering how long I can exist like this. I am here for the kids, but the worst thing is that I do want a loving relationship with my wife, I just don't know if its ever going to happen, and I am getting tired of just being someone’s form of support and getting nothing in return. I sometimes feel like she is my roommate, only she isn’t paying her share of the bills, I know that’s wrong to feel that way, but it’s the absence of a relationship that makes me feel like that. I guess I want it to work out, but it gets less hopeful each day for me, I think she has already given up, has no intention of doing anything to make it better and is just waiting for a situation to change so she can leave. I sometimes feel like that would be better for me, I would be free, but my family would be torn apart and if possible I would more alone than I am now. So here I stay, hopeful, but getting discouraged. I told my pastor about this, he said I should not have expectations from her and try to stay the course and try to communicate that I am still committed to her and the marriage. I'm struggling with that, because there is really nothing there for me. I feel used and taken advantage of, and my wife is still the victim because I am the bad person in the marriage. I am conflicted. I debate whether to just tell her I'm done, and move on, but I would like for her to come back into the relationship. I just don't see her doing it, it would require an investment on her part, and I guess admittance that she is part of the problem. I don't see that happening, and despite my issues with depression hers are worse, only she denies that and irrational thinking that seems to permeate what little discussions we have. Its a mess, half of me thinks the heck with it , walk, the other half say stay and hope for things to get better. I am now beginning to actually envision a future without her, where I hadn’t really done that before, and I admit, there are some things I would like to do with my life, that I will never be able to do so long as I am married. I wanted to go back to college maybe medical school. I can’t do that now, I’m the sole provider, and my youngest child has several years in the home before college. I am hoping a woman out there could give me her perspective.
Minnie09 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 I read a lot of frustration out of your post. You seem to have reached a dead end quite some time ago, and having read how you describe your wife, she seems to be done as well. Since you admit to being a "bully" at times, and somebody to build walls between you and your loved one(s), do you think this could be the reason why your W has given up? People like that are hard to live with. It sounds like you have serious problems with communication. If she feels the need to discuss a problem and you shut her down, because you're "numb", nothing gets resolved and it only compounds the problem. A marriage like that usually has a lot of undealt-with garbage lying around. Little petty things, but never addressed properly, and hence growing and growing to a point where the petty issue becomes an insurmountable huge problem. Basically I think your pastor is right in recommending that you keep showing her how committed you are. On top of that, I'm always a fan of trying mc. If nothing else, it creates an atmosphere of togetherness between spouses. We are in this together, we are working together etc. that's a good start, even though I think mc is only as good as the people attending it, and doesn't depend as much on the counselor as many people may think.* To me it seems there are some issues in the past that haven't been resolved and that linger. Infidelity? Porn addiction? Other indiscretions? FOO issues? Financial hardships? Trust issues? Anything? If any of this was swept under the rug, because you (or her for that matter) weren't willing to talk it through, hence find a solution, communicate your true feelings and be honest and upfront, then this needs to be dug out first, and then go from there. I somehow think that your W has built up some resentment over the years because of something that happened at some point in the past. It may have been a minor thing for you, but it might have been a big deal to her. If these things accumulate, withdrawal, loss of intimacy and distance happen naturally.
Snowflower Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Your story is very sad. It sounds like you and your wife were never truly compatible but got married anyway and had kids young/right away. It reads to me like your relationship never got time to develop and succeed or fail on its own merits. I was in a similar situation. I can't tell you what to do because staying in or leaving your marriage will probably be the biggest decision you will ever make. Have you and your wife ever discussed separation and doing MC (marriage counseling) at the same time? Kind of a managed separation where there are ground rules (finances, seeing others, still seeing each other, etc.) that you both agree to at the outset? I know it is scary but you both seem so unhappy that it makes me wonder what your kids are going through. A managed separation wouldn't make anything permanent and it will give you and your wife a taste of the single life/single parenting without making anything official. MC at the same time will allow you to discuss/explore all the issues that will come up as a result of the separation as well as discussing the issues that are destroying your marriage. Think about it.
Author Sisyphus2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you for your response You are certainly correct in some of your analysis. I can be hard to deal with. I am a stubborn person, and I am analytical. I do have issues with communication. I want to understand the nature of disagreements, and use logic to come up with solutions. That aggravates her especially if I miss the core part of the conflict, which happens all the time. She will go silent for days or weeks with me. Its her primary form of conflict resolution. I tend to forgive quickly, and let things go. She is different, more complicated in every aspect. I have trust issues with her because she would continuously break agreements we had. This escalated my issues with control. We have had financial issues, and continue to have them. There is no infidelity, or addictions on my part. I think that is true of her as well. I have asked her to go to marriage counseling and even meet with our pastor with or without me. She has refused that so far. She has seen a counselor on her own.
Minnie09 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you for your response You are certainly correct in some of your analysis. I can be hard to deal with. I am a stubborn person, and I am analytical. I do have issues with communication. I want to understand the nature of disagreements, and use logic to come up with solutions. That aggravates her especially if I miss the core part of the conflict, which happens all the time. She will go silent for days or weeks with me. Its her primary form of conflict resolution. I tend to forgive quickly, and let things go. She is different, more complicated..... You miss the core part of the conflict, well, that happens....if you know you miss the core part, though, then why don't you get back to the conflict's core part and address it, rather than have her pout for days?
Author Sisyphus2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 silence is her way. She has always done that, and in the past I would always try to communicate through that. it never worked, it seems better to let things sort of fizzle. I am not a fan of it, and it certainly isnt my way of dealing with things, but its hers. I think it is destructive but I cant control it, and when I try to I am manifesting one of my problem issues of trying to control her. now i dont. I accept the silence and try to respect it as her means of dealing with things.
Author Sisyphus2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Your story is very sad. It sounds like you and your wife were never truly compatible but got married anyway and had kids young/right away. It reads to me like your relationship never got time to develop and succeed or fail on its own merits. I was in a similar situation. I can't tell you what to do because staying in or leaving your marriage will probably be the biggest decision you will ever make. Have you and your wife ever discussed separation and doing MC (marriage counseling) at the same time? Kind of a managed separation where there are ground rules (finances, seeing others, still seeing each other, etc.) that you both agree to at the outset? I know it is scary but you both seem so unhappy that it makes me wonder what your kids are going through. A managed separation wouldn't make anything permanent and it will give you and your wife a taste of the single life/single parenting without making anything official. MC at the same time will allow you to discuss/explore all the issues that will come up as a result of the separation as well as discussing the issues that are destroying your marriage. Think about it. its a thought, I dont initially like the sounds of it though because it seems like it makes it easier to just simply divorce. I think the kids in our situation are not really aware of our issues. We dont involve them in our issues, and we keep things out of their sight, ears etc.
aMguilts Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 its a thought, I dont initially like the sounds of it though because it seems like it makes it easier to just simply divorce. I think the kids in our situation are not really aware of our issues. We dont involve them in our issues, and we keep things out of their sight, ears etc. Hi Sisyphus2012; It`s ok to be confused and not knowing which way to turn. It really is. It`s what makes you YOU. Yours is a sad story. One of such errr.. indecisiveness? You seem to know what you want, but are scared of the outcome? You have said ` i think` a lot in your posts. You can saywhatever you need to on here. best wishes aM
Author Sisyphus2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 Hi Sisyphus2012; It`s ok to be confused and not knowing which way to turn. It really is. It`s what makes you YOU. Yours is a sad story. One of such errr.. indecisiveness? You seem to know what you want, but are scared of the outcome? You have said ` i think` a lot in your posts. You can saywhatever you need to on here. best wishes aM I am definitely indecisive. I actually want to stay married, and have a better marriage. I just don't know if that is even possible or if that is what she wants. I feel like a prisoner who doesn't know the sentence. I have been the one to give, to try harder, to put out effort. She has not, so in my eyes she doesn't care. I have read the books, tried different things, and listened while she said cruel things to me, and attacked my character and personality. I am not perfect, but I am not a bad person. I have made it a point these last few months of trying to be more responsive, more communicative, and more helpful, doing laundry, cleaning, dishes etc. Anything she asked of me I did, as soon as I was able. Like I said initially, my pastor told me to do these things without expectation, and that's what I have been trying to do. I feel like a thank you would be nice, but I haven't gotten a peep. It sucks, but my pastor explained that she has probably already been through this in our marriage, and is now beyond that point. Honestly, that's bull****. I cant think of a time when she was working hard on our marriage, or giving me what I want or need. Maybe she thought she was, but it wasn't what I wanted. The only thing I have not tried is a hard stance. Basically saying if you continue to do/act the way you have I am leaving. Maybe that's what she wants, but at least she will not view me as a doormat who is desperate to keep her with me. I dont know how to approach the situation.
aMguilts Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 The only thing I have not tried is a hard stance. Basically saying if you continue to do/act the way you have I am leaving. Maybe that's what she wants, but at least she will not view me as a doormat who is desperate to keep her with me. I dont know how to approach the situation. Sisyphus2012 When you do something and it doesn`t work it`s madness to keep on doing that same thing over and over again, hoping that one day the outcome will be different. It won`t. I think you should try the hard stance. But if your going to do it, MEAN it. Don`t back off if she starts to feel or act hurt( and she will!!) Standing up for yourself is the best thing you can do. And like you said , no woman wants a husband thats a doormat. Good luck aM
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