na49 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Okay, so me and my girlfriend broke up about two months ago. She broke up with me, a day after telling me that she had feelings for another guy while we were hanging out. I was very annoyed, and went home instead of taking her out to dinner. I just couldn't stay after learning that. I asked her about it that night, we got into a fight and the next day she broke up with me. It was probably more ugly than I would've liked because we were in the middle of a fight. Fast forward a week, one of her friends contacts me telling me everything that she did behind my back. Holding hands with this new guy, chatting with him until late after I went to bed. Whenever she was mad at me, she wouldn't talk to me about it, but instead tell her new friends about it and how "terrible" I was. Her friends who don't know me at all, told her to break up with me for this new guy. It turns out that she was cheating on me with this new guy anyway. After learning this, I thought to myself there's no way that I would want her back, nor should I. Well we have classes together so I have to see her still. (only this semester, which is almost over). I went NC earlier this month after a brief argument. She would call me to vent when her new guy wasn't available or tell me when they were in a fight, then she'd start telling me how great he is. She blew up my phone when I tried ignoring her, I got fed up with this eventually and told her to go talk to someone else because I didn't want to hear about it anymore, I felt as if it wasn't right for her to do that to me. I wanted to be friends, so did she. There were still hard feelings though and I knew that. It was my first relationship and I feel that I was too nice. I gave her too much freedom and trusted her too much. She would always talk about her other guy friends and how great they were, but if I mentioned a girl that I was talking to, she would get very jealous and not talk to me. I have good days and bad days, I'm sure once the new semester starts and I can start seeing some new faces it will be easy to put her in the past. So I guess what I want to know is, how exactly do I just put her in the past, and not think about her? How long should I stay NC? She didn't treat me as well as I treated her clearly with everything that went on when I wasn't around, I feel like I was almost too loyal to her? (is that possible?). Also, how long should putting an ex in the past take? I really don't want to think about her. I'm not reminiscing or getting upset, but just the idea of her is still in my head, and like I said this is the first time I am dealing with this. I haven't been moping around because I've kept busy. I was depressed for a week or two after it happened, but I am noticing my improvement and have been happy since. I have no interest in checking on her at all. She usually shoots me dirty looks when I see her which confuses me because I was the one who got hurt, learning about everything AFTER she broke up with me. If I knew this earlier I would've cut it off right away and probably felt much better about it. I like to think that I wouldn't be remembered as such a jerk when I know how well I treated her, apparently not though. Well thanks for reading and for any advice. I've been reading a few threads on here and thought I had to make a thread.
Author na49 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 I'm sorry if we aren't supposed to bump threads, but I really would like some advice/suggestions.
denxnis Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 My ex also was cheating on me behind my back - then she tried to pin it all on me saying I pushed her to do it blah blah blah. Truth is, maybe you weren't the best boyfriend you could have been, but her cheating is ALL HER FAULT. You should not continue speaking with her, she is only using you as a crutch. BLOCK her phone number on your phone so that you cannot receive text/phone calls from her, this is huge because then your heart won't start beating extremely fast every time you get a call or text. BLOCK her on facebook so you don't torture yourself and visit her page 24/7. No Contact is KEY. If you give in she will know inside that you will always be around so she can continue doing what she wants. If one day she comes crying and begging for you back (she can call/text from another # this proves she is desperate for you) - tell her you need a few days to consider it. Then LOGICALLY analyze the situation, your brain will most likely say it is a huge mistake and your emotions will probably want to get back with her. You need to man up and not give this girl so much power, be the alpha male.
Viper1 Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Unfortunately, there is no timetable. Despite the advice of the gurus, our bonds to another person and how we act with respect to them are not under conscious control. The choices we make do have an impact on how long the thought of the girl will intrusively pop into your head. The bad news is--as you've found out--we are not in control of external influences that innocently or maliciously would have you think about her. You could be siting in a library by yourself and someone could come up and say "I heard you and __________ (fill in the blank) broke up. Sorry, man." Dan Ariely, a researcher from MIT, has demonstrated we don't nearly have the control over our decisions we think we have. I've learned that whatever we push against pushes back. You can do all the things people suggest to you like block this and block that but chances are it will be of little use. The real enemy is within. I have also learned that even if I feel certain that the breakup had little or nothing to do with me that I'm going to take responsibility for it. After all, I was one the "committed" myself to the girl obviously before I knew enough about her. By taking responsibility for a bad choice I've reclaimed my power and dignity. We're all going to make mistakes--some minor like knocking over a cup of coffee and others that come with a bigger sticker price, like getting engaged to the wrong girl. A lawyer friend I mentioned suggested I take a course in reading micro expressions--those facial expressions that last 1/5th of a second and can, with practice, tell us when someone is trying to deceive us. I've gotten to the point now where I can tell if the guy who says I need four new tires is trying to scam me and on one occassion could tell when a girl who said she had broken up with her fiancee was still engaged to him. I don't think there's been a single guy who hasn't been played for a fool by a woman--or a woman whose been had by a dishonest guy. The best advice is be grateful that she showed her true colors now before you became engaged to her and got married. My friend the divorce later says everyone who has been the victim of another's deception says one of two things: "I never saw it coming" or "I should have seen it coming". We DON'T see it coming--the dishonesty because we're really not paying attention. Usually we're so smitten with the woman (or girl) we're blind to what's right in front of our eyes. There's another psychologist who proved this. His name is Dan Simon. And why "should" we see it coming when we're not taught to read the signs? So, relax, don't push the river, and thank this girl for doing you a huge favor. You want someone who will treat you with respect, kindness, and honesty. By her taking advantage of your trust, you're now free to find a girl who will bring those things to the table. 1
Pacman Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I've been cheated on twice. I know how it feels. The best thing you can do is go NC. If she texts/call/leaves you a vmail, DELETE it right away. If it lingers in your phone you are going to wonder what it's about and the urge to get a hold of her will be greater. Girls come and go, and they will break your heart until you find the right one. Take this time to be single and work on yourself. Hit the gym, learn the guitar, learn how to change oil in your car. Girls come and go, but you are stuck with you forever - so learn how to enjoy yourself. And her blaming the cheating on you just shows how immature she is. The fact that she was persuaded by her friends to date the other guys shows shes insecure. Forget her man. Find yourself a woman.
Author na49 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 I really appreciate all of the responses guys. She's already blocked and I haven't checked up on her or have any interest in doing so. I just want this semester to be over already so I won't have to see or hear her anymore. She shouldn't be in any of the classes I am taking next semester. Anymore suggestions or thoughts are welcome. I love to hear what everyone has to say.
salmagundi Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 "I've learned that whatever we push against pushes back. You can do all the things people suggest to you like block this and block that but chances are it will be of little use. The real enemy is within." Great post Viper1. The above quote is gold
Author na49 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 Viper's post was very helpful, and I've found that taking responsibility has helped me deal with it. She did me a favor, I wouldn't want to get more attached than I was only to have her get rid of me the way that she did.
Author na49 Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 A little update, she just texted me "hey". This is after 3 weeks of no contact. I really don't know what to do. I don't think I'm going to text back. It's too soon, I don't want to deal with having her there without her actually being there and get worse. Especially after I've started feeling better. Any thoughts?
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