confused 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Ok, here is my story. My bf and I were together for 2.5 years, lived together for 2 years, and we had planned to get married next year and had even saved up almost $3000 for the wedding. We always struggled with some personality compatibility issues - mainly that he wanted to be out and active and I was happy to stay home most of the time. He broke up with me after several near breakups over the past several months, and said he just wasn't happy. Our breakup really came down to our differences in lifestyles. We have been broken up for 3.5 months, and have not had any contact for over two months. During this time he was still my friend on FB but I did not torture myself by looking at his profile. I found out last night that he is on a dating website looking for a long term relationship. Not going to lie, even though he's a guy and I'm not that surprised, I was a little hurt. I'm not in a place where I want to date yet, and I felt stung that he was already so over me. I deleted him off FB and sent him a long letter just letting him know that I had no hard feelings, and I wanted to thank for being the best boyfriend I ever had - because he was. He got me to turn my life around and I know that I wouldn't be who I am today were it not for him. We ended up emailing back and forth a bit last night after I deleted him because I wrote him a quick note saying "I'm sorry I have to delete you. Take care.", and he told me last night that he really did want to be friends in the future because I was still a good person who he enjoyed talking to, but that he was not in a place where he could do that right now. I am also not in a place where I can be friends with him right now, because I still have too many feelings for him. Anyway, after reading his emails which said I was a sweet girl and deserved all the happiness in the world, and that he really hoped there could be a day when we could be friends, I have not stopped crying all night. I knew it would be hard to break that last connection with him, but now I'm regretting deleting him. Maybe it's because that was our last real connection..? But I think what's bothering me is that I'm still not entirely convinced our relationship wouldn't work eventually. The more I think about our differences, the more I feel like if we had both put more effort and communcation into it, and that if I had been willing to compromise more, that we might have been happy. I care about him as a person, he cared about me and we were able to have a lot of fun together. I just don't know what to do now - I am 99 % sure that even if I told him of my feelings about a possible future relationship with us that he would not feel the same. And besides, he's already online dating, even though he told me it would take a long time to get his s**t together. I already miss him on FB even though I had blocked him from appearing in my news feed. I don't know if I'm just feeling sad about the big step I took, or if I really care about him still. Should I add him on FB again? Should I tell him how I feel? Should I just leave it?..... Any help would be appreciated.
Droplet Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Please, don't add him back... You don't want to send the message that you are too weak to live without him. Of course it hurts, but it's a necessary step if you want to heal. Just ask yourself this : what will hurt more, the next few days and weeks or seeing pictures of him with the next person he's dating when that happens ? I've done it too, and sure, I was sad at first because I can genuinely say that she was my best friend and the only person with whom I could really picture spending a lifetime with. Of course, cutting the only thing that was left from our relationship ( our "friendship"...which I know isn't real and isn't possible for now ) hurt because all these years, all that love, all the good times, all my caring for her turned into this but I had to do it for my own sake. It's a question of self respect : you need to heal if you want, someday, to be able to have a good relationship again ( and simply because you don't want to spend the following months or years in a limbo, thinking about him while he's living his own life without you ) and if it takes cutting him from facebook then so be it. If there is a solid base to rebuild a friendship, don't worry, it will still be there in a few months when you are completely healed from that breakup. Take care !
Love_sick_me Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Step away from the Facebook, especially during a break up. Give yourself some respect and care. You need to rebuild yourself before you can rebuild your relationship. I know it's tough to hear now, but just give it time. If it's true love, then there will always be another chance. I agree with droplet.
Author confused 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Thank you both for the words of encouragement. I will not add him back onto FB until we're ready to be friends. Deleting him was a much bigger step than I thought. I liked Droplet's answer "don't make it seem like you can't live without him by adding him back." You're so right, and I didn't think of it that way. I think the trouble I'm having most is that I still feel like our relationship could have been salvaged, but he apparently doesn't. It's hard when a relationship is over for one person but not for the other, and I'm trying to cope with that. I've never been in that situation before - all my other breakups have ended so negatively because they often involved deal-breakers. I didn't realize just how strongly I still felt about him until we started talking last night and I realized I was still emotionally connected to him. I suppose I'm just spurred by hope becayse one of my friends just got back together with her ex of over 4 years, and now they're getting married. She is clearly the exception, however, I do know that. And I do know that if things were meant to be that that is something only time will tell. After having such an emotional conversation with him after over 2 months of no contact, it was just a hard place to be in. I'm off to drink some wine and have myself another good sob.
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