BellaStark Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I knew a couple with a VERY similar story to this. I was friends with them both, so I had both perspectives. They weren't married, but I could see that the situation ate them BOTH up inside. He was certainly not fulfilled having to be a part-time babysitter instead of a husband, and there was something in his love that was honestly detrimental to her recovery. When he FINALLY ended things, they both actually moved on and have done very well for themselves. It took quite some time, but looking back they both can see how toxic their situation had become. What I'm saying is, I completely understand where you are coming from. You're still young enough to WANT to feel those amazing emotions that come with being with someone you love. The thing you need to come to terms with (like my friend did) is that your wife is not giving that to you...and because of that, you're nor giving it to her either. Don't engage in an affair thinking that you are doing the right thing by not leaving her. I don't think your unexpected position is surprising at all, but I think you sound like a nice guy, and will make the right decision in the end. It really sounds like you need to move on from this marriage, FOR BOTH OF YOU. Trust me, my girlfriend knew that her guy was unhappy with her, but neither of them was strong enough to end it for way too long. Good luck, and I hope you are able to find happiness by doing what is best for yourself and those you care about.
nofool4u Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You completely misunderstood my post and misquoted me. Maybe I misunderstood and you can enlighten me. But misquote you? It was a direct verbatim quote. Now unless you were being completely sarcastic, ok then. Were you? Taken out of context, it has a different meaning. What is out of context about you saying: I understand how you feel. I know why you feel enthralled with this new woman. I have no doubt that she is wonderful and treats you well. I don't fault you for thinking of this affair. I would too. And I am man enough to say that I could choose the affair if I was in your situation. Hey, I could do it in my situation. Again, if there was some sort of sarcasm here that I didn't get, then I stand corrected.
JamesM Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Maybe I misunderstood and you can enlighten me. But misquote you? It was a direct verbatim quote. Now unless you were being completely sarcastic, ok then. Were you? I was simply stating that I completely understood why he would want an affair with this woman. In his position, I would consider it too. And then I explained why it really wouldn't be a good thing for him to actually follow up and do. I was not condoning cheating. I simply empathized with him and showed him some better options IMO...which included divorce and counseling. 1
neveragain34 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 It's one thing to have a friend to confide in and spend time with, it's another to get attached, and have an affair. Having that affair will only magnify and make things worse in the near future. You say you don't feel guilty, but once you cross that line with the other woman, you may not like whom you become. Think of the OW for a minute. You're married and your wife, as much as you are unhappy IS your priority - Her health, her issues - etc .. She comes first and spending time with someone outside of the marriage, investing in someone else instead of solving/fixing or ending your marriage isn't right. The OW will become more attached to you over time and expect/hope for more from you and as much as you want to, or promise her - You won't be able to commit or deliver to her. She gets the short end of the stick. Think of your wife, if she finds out, how hurt and betrayed she'll feel. You say (again)you don't feel bad, but once you actually face your wife and see her pain, and devastation, you'll feel like shi.t and scummy for hurting her in the worst way. Do counseling, figure out if you want to stick it out with your wife - or divorce. If your wife can get on meds, stick with therapy for herself, your marriage could get better. You obviously loved her a lot at some point to have married her, right? And I assume you knew going into this marriage that she had mental health issues. I agree. For everyone's sake, please look at all angles of this. Right now you are so in love and happy, it's easy to be selfish. Sure the OW knows you are married and she seems to be fine with it, so then it's okay, right? WRONG! She is just as in love right now as you and is ignoring every RED FLAG flashing her right in the face. She is so mesmerized by you and the thought of being the only woman to make you smile these days and give you the attention you 'deserve' is even more intriguing and wonderful. Soon she will want more-more sleepovers, more getaways, more calls and texts at night. Soon the reality of your marriage will hit and she will begin to get sick to her stomach the nights you aren't together as she imagines you in bed with another woman. Sure this other woman is your wife, but to her it is another woman touching what she feels belongs to her since you are so close. It is gut wrenching and painful, but she will go along with it because the pain of NOT being with you is even worse. The time you do have together is so magical and amazing. You laugh together and cry together, but as soon as you go home, she suffers over and over in silence, trying to be your perfect, selfless "girlfriend" in hopes that you will someday leave your wife to be with her. Then one day, even though you think you've covered all your bases and you will never be caught, dday will arrive unexpectedly. Your wife may not even have proof; she just knows. She has had the feeling for a while now, but has waited to bring it up, as she has been in denial for so long. No matter what you do or say to convince her she's crazy, she won't believe you. She is so hurt and ready to leave. The life you have spent with her all these years will suddenly flash before your eyes and you will be frightened at the thought of losing her. You will do whatever it takes to keep her, which means letting go of the OW. You tell the OW you have to let her go even though you love her so much and cherish every minute you spent together. You thank her for bringing light into your life again and a smile to your face that was missing for so long. Being the kind, selfless woman that she is, she doesn't put up a fight even though she knows she can convince you to stay and continue the A. She is left with nothing while you still have wife. For the next few days, weeks, maybe even months, this woman cries herself to sleep at night missing you so much, wishing you were next to her. She hates getting up in the morning, as she has nothing to look forward to anymore. She is a zombie at work and in her personal relationships with family and friends. She can't eat. She can't sleep. She can't function. She is dying to email or text you, but instead she comes to this forum to see that she is not alone and also to get some sort of validation by reading posts of other MM that say they love the OW, the way her xMM loved her. If you truly love the OW, leave your wife now to be with her or let her go now, while she still has life in her. 3
JamesM Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Wow, neveragain34, that was very heartfelt and powerful! That post should make a few people stop and think. Thank you. 1
TigerCub Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I agree. For everyone's sake, please look at all angles of this. Right now you are so in love and happy, it's easy to be selfish. Sure the OW knows you are married and she seems to be fine with it, so then it's okay, right? WRONG! She is just as in love right now as you and is ignoring every RED FLAG flashing her right in the face. She is so mesmerized by you and the thought of being the only woman to make you smile these days and give you the attention you 'deserve' is even more intriguing and wonderful. Soon she will want more-more sleepovers, more getaways, more calls and texts at night. Soon the reality of your marriage will hit and she will begin to get sick to her stomach the nights you aren't together as she imagines you in bed with another woman. Sure this other woman is your wife, but to her it is another woman touching what she feels belongs to her since you are so close. It is gut wrenching and painful, but she will go along with it because the pain of NOT being with you is even worse. The time you do have together is so magical and amazing. You laugh together and cry together, but as soon as you go home, she suffers over and over in silence, trying to be your perfect, selfless "girlfriend" in hopes that you will someday leave your wife to be with her. Then one day, even though you think you've covered all your bases and you will never be caught, dday will arrive unexpectedly. Your wife may not even have proof; she just knows. She has had the feeling for a while now, but has waited to bring it up, as she has been in denial for so long. No matter what you do or say to convince her she's crazy, she won't believe you. She is so hurt and ready to leave. The life you have spent with her all these years will suddenly flash before your eyes and you will be frightened at the thought of losing her. You will do whatever it takes to keep her, which means letting go of the OW. You tell the OW you have to let her go even though you love her so much and cherish every minute you spent together. You thank her for bringing light into your life again and a smile to your face that was missing for so long. Being the kind, selfless woman that she is, she doesn't put up a fight even though she knows she can convince you to stay and continue the A. She is left with nothing while you still have wife. For the next few days, weeks, maybe even months, this woman cries herself to sleep at night missing you so much, wishing you were next to her. She hates getting up in the morning, as she has nothing to look forward to anymore. She is a zombie at work and in her personal relationships with family and friends. She can't eat. She can't sleep. She can't function. She is dying to email or text you, but instead she comes to this forum to see that she is not alone and also to get some sort of validation by reading posts of other MM that say they love the OW, the way her xMM loved her. If you truly love the OW, leave your wife now to be with her or let her go now, while she still has life in her. Wow!!! That is all
waterwoman Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 er. Then one day, even though you think you've covered all your bases and you will never be caught, dday will arrive unexpectedly. Your wife may not even have proof; she just knows. She has had the feeling for a while now, but has waited to bring it up, as she has been in denial for so long. No matter what you do or say to convince her she's crazy, she won't believe you. THIS ^^^^^ She will know in her heart. Please bear that in mind. Whatever your plans are re OW and building a life with her, don't count on being able to do it with a free hand and in your own time. Your W will work it out. And then hell will break out.
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