Married man and in an affair. My intro

[The Lone Gunman]

Wow...now that ive actually gotten the guts to post here i find myself not sure what to say exactly.....ever have stage freight on a forum?

 

well, heres my situation.

 

im a 29 yr old male. My wife is 26. My wife has a mentall imbalance and finds small things extremely difficult, like making phone calls, holding down a job, unexpected social interactions, ect. When were alone and shes with me, things are good when theyre good. We have the same hobbies, alot of the same interests, thats one of the things that brought us together, and weve both been quiet introverts for most of our lives.

 

The last few years though, her issues have been becomming more of, well, an issue. Every single day when she comes home from her job, she breaks down emotionally and falls to pieces. Shes not able to stay in any place for long. Her anxiety is ALWAYS through the roof and theres just no relax time at home anymore. Shes always obsessing about the small what ifs in everything, whereas me, im very laid back and just deal with things day by day as they come.

 

My inlaws dont exactly help. Her mother is very much the same way, and their solution is to pray everything away....suffice to say thats not helping here. but they refuse to look at any other angle of it, and if its not working for her than "shes just not DOING it right".

 

Weve gone to several different doctors and phsycologists. Some days she wants to try to get help and others not so much. Weve tried several therapists and she almost always gets too embarassed to continue and refuses to go and it just becomes a very hard thing for me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It hurts to see someone you care for go through that and at the same time be unwilling to try to help themselves. Weve also tried medications and she wont stay on them, citing that she feels its a weakness. I myself am on antidepressants because of the stress this whole home situation has put on me. My doctor told me last yr during my physical that my blood pressure was through the roof and it was that of a man twice my age. I dont smoke, or drink, and i excersize quite a bit, the only thing he could attribute it to was stress. And he told me, as if to forshadow my current situation, "i dont know whats going on, you dont need to tell me, but im telling YOU you NEED to get a handle on this and release yourself or your going to have a heart attack before 40.".

 

Holy alarm bells batman!

 

My home situation has been like i described for going on 7 yrs now. And after life being this way for so long, no longer how devoted or good you consider yourself to be you just get so tired and feel so worn out and used up.....and thats what happened to me.

 

Its been very isolating too in the regard to my family. I cant talk to them about it either. And its slowly become that work is my only somewhat happy place, untill now.

 

So now, fast forward to 3 months ago.

 

I met an amazing girl through a work aqquantance. And i do mean amazing. Shes the type id be way too shy to approach normally. Shes always done up for everything and i always feel underdressed when im with her lol. Shes 24, single mom. And nothing like i expected. On first glance you'd definately think shes the princessy type, but thats just how she wants to look. There are many many sides to her and i think thats what i find so fascinating about her.

 

She knows im married. Ive held absolutely nothing back from her. But even just talking the tension and chemistry was so strong, ive never felt anything like it. And when we kissed, stars exploded in my mind. Ive never felt this way for another human being before. I never thought i could. Shes the most patient, understanding, kind woman ive ever met. She said she hasnt met anyone like me and she always looks so forward to seeing me. I honestly dont remember feeling so happy as when im with her. We havnt had sex, but im sure that will come.

 

The strangest part of all of this is i dont feel guilty....i honestly thought i would.,...but it just feels as though shes been what ive been waiting for for so so long. i dont know what to make of that really.

 

I dont know whats in store or where this will go if anywhere. Im not worrying about that. BUt im just so happy i met her. Ive been unhappy for so long...and i honestly have tried everything else before coming to this. And if you;d told me years ago id be the type to find myself in this situation i never would have believed you. But here i am now.

 

I know people get hurt from this kind of thing all the time. But its somthing ive needed for "me" for so long because i dont remember the last time i had anything just for "me". Selfish?. Maybe. Probably....but i can live with that.

 

I dont expect to make any friends for this. I know for many its very black and white. I understand that and its a very legit and valid view. Others maybe see a grey area. I just find that for now, this works.

 

FIgure out tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

 

Thanks for reading

[freestyle]

Well--I am anti-affair, but I see no point in beating you over the head about it.

 

One thing I will recommend, is that you spend time reading the stories, both in this section, AND the OW/OM forum here on LS---both to increase your understanding of the dynamics at work, and to hopefully nudge you into considering what the fallout will be from your actions. The fallout can affect more than just you, your W, and your AP (affair partner)---in can reach further, and wider than you may suspect.

 

The more you read, the more parallels you'll start to see.

 

Are you currently involved in IC? (individual counseling) If not, I'd like to recommend that as a first step--having a safe outlet with a neutral party can be very helpful.

[The Lone Gunman]

free,

 

thank you. One of the reasons i came here is because honestly, my chemistry and emotions have me twisted in so many different directions its complicated and hard to think.

 

I havnt started IC yet, but i do have my first appt scheduled for next wednesday afternoon actually. I want to go because i want to get an objective look at my life.

 

Ive also come here to hear other stories. from both the spouses and the...well, lack of a better word, cheaters. To help me get perspective as youve mentioned.

 

i respect how you feel. The wierd thing is my first urge is to agree with you and yet here i am . isnt THAT hypocritical of me?.

 

I just wanted somewhere to go (here), to talk to people, both sides, who've been through this. I want to see all sides of everything before anything further goes on, coupled with my IC....im hoping i can get my head straight and figure out what i want. I dont dispute this isnt exactly fair....and my intentions were always good....i just...well...here i am.

 

Im open to any outcome and opinion. And i appreciate everyone who shares their thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

It's one thing to have a friend to confide in and spend time with, it's another to get attached, and have an affair. Having that affair will only magnify and make things worse in the near future. You say you don't feel guilty, but once you cross that line with the other woman, you may not like whom you become. Think of the OW for a minute. You're married and your wife, as much as you are unhappy IS your priority - Her health, her issues - etc .. She comes first and spending time with someone outside of the marriage, investing in someone else instead of solving/fixing or ending your marriage isn't right. The OW will become more attached to you over time and expect/hope for more from you and as much as you want to, or promise her - You won't be able to commit or deliver to her. She gets the short end of the stick.

 

Think of your wife, if she finds out, how hurt and betrayed she'll feel. You say (again)you don't feel bad, but once you actually face your wife and see her pain, and devastation, you'll feel like shi.t and scummy for hurting her in the worst way.

 

Do counseling, figure out if you want to stick it out with your wife - or divorce. If your wife can get on meds, stick with therapy for herself, your marriage could get better. You obviously loved her a lot at some point to have married her, right? And I assume you knew going into this marriage that she had mental health issues.

[waterwoman]

Hmmm.... don't wish to worry you but I can't imagine your affair will do a lot for her mental health problems, do you?

 

I can see that life must be fairly grim for you at the moment. But assuming that you don't wish your wife any hurt this isn't a good way to deal with the situation.

[Annod]

I'm a BS, perhaps I'm a bit biased!!

 

While I do commend your honesty on coming on here and posting, please STOP and think before moving ahead any further.

 

If you are truly unhappy with your wife, then end it and walk away. Be a man. You have already betrayed your wife with your emotions and kissing, if that's all that's happened. To many of us BS, that is more than enough, you are already in the affair.

 

Think. This OW may be all that you say, but she is also a woman who is willing to have an A with a married man. Doesn't that tell you that if she'll cheat with you, that one day, she will cheat on you.

 

If this OW is truly the right one, put it on hold and sort your marriage out- either end it with your wife or try and fix things.

 

You have no idea the devastation that you will cause if you move forward with the OW. You will hate yourself in the end when it all comes out.

 

Man up, do the right thing. Yes, you do deserve to be happy. Just do it the RIGHT way.

[TigerCub]

Hey LGM,

 

I've read a lot of stories on here and the devastation that BSs feel is tremendous.

 

If normally mentally stable people fall apart at this kind of betrayal, what do you think will happen to your wife when she finds out? She already has some mental issues and extreme anxiety. Its cruel to actually set her up for this kind of pain (knowing that she's extra fragile)

 

And don't say she wont find out - they all do, eventually.

 

I can understand how its emotionally draining to go home and be miserable and have the same issues pop up all the time, but if things are so bad - get a divorce. Its that simple.

 

Don't toy with an already fragile person - that's just cruel.

[freestyle]

As a side point, Lone Gunman---I suspect your affair is a reaction of being drained by dealing with your W's emotional issues.

 

And dealing with someone who's in a continual state of anxiety IS draining for the partner. The partner's needs can end up being neglected to the extreme.

 

However---looking outside the relationship to repair that problem will only magnify it , exponentially. It would be like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have IC scheduled--if the counselor is a good fit for you, it could be very beneficial.

 

One thing to bring up with him/her ...would be coming up with healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with how your W's anxieties affect you. That is--if you're hoping to preserve the marriage.

[ComingInHot]

Let me make sure I've got this right...

You are married to an emotionally unstable woman.

You don't have (balls) to get out.

You are now cheating on an emotionally unstable woman.

 

I get your feelings. You made a lifelong commitment to your wife but you didn't necessarily sign up for the progression of unstability from your wife. That is a TOUGH life to have to feel like you need to live. I don't envy you!

 

I don't envy you for what your marriage has become. ( leave wife)

I don't envy what you have become even though you r gettin' it elsewhwew. ( divorce)

I don't envy what you are going to go through when the fit hits the shan. (Separate from marriage).

And have you thought of what emotionally unstable people are capable of when they feel or have been wronged?! I now don't envy you or your "awesome" OW. matter fact I'm quite concerned for the safety of you both. Not that I agree w/what you two are doing (file today)**

[RickFox]

Of course you don't feel guilty...........yet. Wait until it all comes crashing down, and then, THEN, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. Dipping your pen in the company ink...not a good thing bud. When it hits the fan and she sues your company for sexual harassment, keeps her job, and you're left out in the cold with nothing, then it will all feel worth it? Probably not.

 

Of course this may not ever happen, but the possibility is very real. Im of the opinion...now...that nothing good comes of it.... but that's just my wooden nickel.

[Tara247]

Lone, can't you do the decent thing and "choose"? If you try to have them both, that would make you a cheater and scumbag. If you don't want to be married to your wife any longer, get a divorce!

[Spark1111]

You've told us how you feel and you have told that amazing divorcee from work!

 

have you told your wife EXACTLY how you feel about her mental instability and how her lack of treatment has fatigued you to the point of considering divorce?

 

What is her diagnosis? Why does she quit treatment very time?

 

And excuse me for being cynical, but did her condition suddenly grow worse about three months ago?

 

There is a right way and a wrong way to end a marriage with someone who has mental health issues....and what you are contemplating is absolutely the worst way to go about it.

 

Stop telling Ms Princess anything about your wife. How disrespectful! And quit the flirting until you have taken care of your own house, by either fixing it or divorcing as amicably as possible.

 

if you have CHOSEN to live in limbo land for 7 years, what is one more to devote to the dissolution or serious repair of your relationship?

 

Ms Princess may or may not still be available and you will have retained your integrity and self-respect.

 

you may actually be a man worth waiting for.

[Ladydrib]

If you are that unhappy with your wife why don't you divorce her? Have you even told her how damaging her mental issues are to your relationship? Maybe if she knew how it was affecting you, maybe she would have tried the medicine longer?

 

I do understand it's not black and white. I've been the person who would never have an affair and then guess what? So I undestand that. But from your post you sound happy about this situation. You sound as though you are trying to justify your behavior by using your wife's struggles.

 

Your marriage may be over, but if it is, set your wife free. If not then end the affair and try harder.

[frozensprouts]

I'm sorry, but I have to ask...when did all these issues with your wife first get to be too much for you? Did they happen before or after you married? Did they seem to get worse when you met this other woman?

 

I'm asking because a lot of people who cheat are going along in their marriage...maybe things aren't perfect, but they're not terrible either. Then they meet someone, start a friendship, and all of a sudden all the negatives about their spouse become exaggerated...they little things seem huge and all of a sudden, cheating seems like an acceptable option...

 

not sure why that is, but i'd like to think that it's a guilt response that rationalizes cheating and tries to make it seem somehow justified...the person cheating is basically a decent person, doesn't want to hurt anyone, but they are, so they rationalize it so they won't feel guilty...

does this sound like you?

 

if your wife has mental health issues and your marriage really is over, then be a man about it and leave...I can tell you that the pain she feels should you split up will be nothing compared to the pain she will feel if she finds out you've been cheating...

you may feel that won't happen...you can have you other woman and your wife will never find out...but the thing is that you can not control what your other woman does...what if she decides to "spill the beans"....what will THAT do to your wife?

[Saba]

.....The strangest part of all of this is i dont feel guilty....i honestly thought i would.,...but it just feels as though shes been what ive been waiting for for so so long. i dont know what to make of that really.

 

I dont know whats in store or where this will go if anywhere. Im not worrying about that. BUt im just so happy i met her. Ive been unhappy for so long...and i honestly have tried everything else before coming to this. And if you;d told me years ago id be the type to find myself in this situation i never would have believed you. But here i am now.

 

I know people get hurt from this kind of thing all the time. But its somthing ive needed for "me" for so long because i dont remember the last time i had anything just for "me". Selfish?. Maybe. Probably....but i can live with that.

 

No, you have not tried everything. You are using your wifes mental illness as a reason to cheat rather than be honest and divorce. Divorce her if you are unhappy and want a different life! You should not think that she will be better off with you (rather than being alone) even if you are looking for love with someone else.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I'm a BS, perhaps I'm a bit biased!!

 

While I do commend your honesty on coming on here and posting, please STOP and think before moving ahead any further.

 

If you are truly unhappy with your wife, then end it and walk away. Be a man. You have already betrayed your wife with your emotions and kissing, if that's all that's happened. To many of us BS, that is more than enough, you are already in the affair.

 

Think. This OW may be all that you say, but she is also a woman who is willing to have an A with a married man. Doesn't that tell you that if she'll cheat with you, that one day, she will cheat on you.

 

If this OW is truly the right one, put it on hold and sort your marriage out- either end it with your wife or try and fix things.

 

You have no idea the devastation that you will cause if you move forward with the OW. You will hate yourself in the end when it all comes out.

 

Man up, do the right thing. Yes, you do deserve to be happy. Just do it the RIGHT way.

 

I so agree with Annod. You owe it to your wife to at least start divorce first. You owe it to yourself. You will regret it if you don't. You don't have to stay. You don't have to give up the new woman. But the new woman will always wonder if you will do the same to her, if you do not handle this honorably now.

[BetrayedH]

You owe it to your wife to either fix the marriage or leave it. Stop your nonsense with this OW. Tell your wife how serious you are about things changing. Hell, give her an ultimatum: individual counseling for both of you, marriage counseling, consistent meds. It's time for one.

 

But DO NOT keep her locked in this relationship with you while you go and see stars with your OW. How long does your wife need to be devoted to you while you wet your dick elsewhere? What's an acceptable time frame before she gets to make an informed decision about the rest of her life? You're not a freakin' teenager. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that the attention of another woman is invigorating. Act like a freaking grown-up and live up to the commitments you've made or at least have the courage to let her out of her end of the bargain.

[Mint Sauce]

do not underestimate the strength of your wife. She may be unstable because you enable that. 99% chance she'll survive without you.

 

If you're absolutely sure that she'll try to take her own life if you leave her, you make sure that support for her is waiting for her when you drop the bomb.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Bang the single mom for all she is worth but have a go bag packed so you can leave town quick when your crazy wife finds out and comes after you with a butcher's knife.

 

Duck Soup - I almost laughed. Not sure if you were going for that. But then I thought, you could be right! Your raw comments are well taken. By me at least. You posted some harsh but on the mark stuff about me on another thread.

[nofool4u]

I met an amazing girl through a work aqquantance. And i do mean amazing.

 

Yes, so amazing that she doesn't mind a man that cheats(and no, I don't care what the excuse is) and so amazing that she doesn't have a problem helping a man to cheat.

 

 

She knows im married. Ive held absolutely nothing back from her. But even just talking the tension and chemistry was so strong, ive never felt anything like it. And when we kissed, stars exploded in my mind.

 

Always does when its the first person you have kissed in a long time. Its called newness.

 

 

Ive never felt this way for another human being before. I never thought i could. Shes the most patient, understanding, kind woman ive ever met. She said she hasnt met anyone like me and she always looks so forward to seeing me. I honestly dont remember feeling so happy as when im with her. We havnt had sex, but im sure that will come.

 

You are sure that will come, but let us guess, you have no intentions of getting a divorce first?

 

 

The strangest part of all of this is i dont feel guilty....i honestly thought i would.,...but it just feels as though shes been what ive been waiting for for so so long.

 

Then get a divorce, set your wife free from you, and pursue this other woman.

 

You've laid the groundwork for an excuse as to you being able to cheat without remorse, so what are you waiting for? Why waste any more of your wife's short time on this planet any further?

 

 

I know people get hurt from this kind of thing all the time. But its somthing ive needed for "me" for so long because i dont remember the last time i had anything just for "me". Selfish?. Maybe.

 

No, not maybe... definitely.

 

 

Probably....but i can live with that.

 

Yes, YOU can live with that, all the while holding your wife hostage. Again, why don't you do her the favor of divorcing her?

 

 

I dont expect to make any friends for this. I know for many its very black and white. I understand that and its a very legit and valid view. Others maybe see a grey area. I just find that for now, this works.

 

FIgure out tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

 

Thanks for reading

 

So really, what is your point of posting this? Seems like you aren't asking for opinions or advice. You know this will rub people the wrong way, hence the reason I think you are really posting this.

[JamesM]

I understand how you feel. I know why you feel enthralled with this new woman. I have no doubt that she is wonderful and treats you well.

 

I don't fault you for thinking of this affair. I would too. And I am man enough to say that I could choose the affair if I was in your situation. Hey, I could do it in my situation.

 

If you choose this other woman and still continue in your marriage, I would not judge you.

 

Catch? Yup. There is one.

 

You mentioned high blood pressure from stress. Do you think a secret affair will lower that stress or increase it? Do you think the stress of being found out will lower or increase it?

 

If your goal is to live beyond 40, then I don't think an affair is a good choice towards that goal.

 

Solution IMO:

 

1. Talk with your counselor and discover what would be best for you...leave or stay. Your MD has already said that you have too much stress.

 

2. Talk with your wife and tell her that this is too much for you. Tell your wife that staying may be more harmful for you than leaving, and if she loves you, then she may need to let you go until she has solved some of her own issues.

 

3. If you decide to leave, do so and still be a friend to your wife. Let her know that the ball is in her court. If she loves you and herself, then she will need to solve her anxiety issues. While I know that you leaving will cause her greater anxiety, I doubt it will be her demise. I think that she may need a wakeup call.

 

4. Do NOT begin an affair with this OW. If you cannot keep it as a friendship until you are divorced, then don't stay friends. Why? Because if she loves you, then she will want you to do what is best and honorable. If she simply loves the feelings that you give her, then she will want to be with you and feel hurt of you don't with her. While I don't think she is a cheat for starting this, I do think that if you frame it as I stated, and then if she says that you will lose her if you don't start an affair...you know that she is not a good choice for more than a fling.

 

5. Don't accept the status quo. You realize what needs to be changed. Do it.

 

 

This woman may be your wakeup call. DON'T let her be your downfall.

 

Now go and do the right thing.

[j'adore]

I have been where you have been - that first kiss blew us away too and we fell head over heals Be aware that once you start the physical side of the relationship there really is no return. It was the most amazing experience of my life, but I can also tell you that the pain has also been unbearable and still is.

[nofool4u]

I understand how you feel. I know why you feel enthralled with this new woman. I have no doubt that she is wonderful and treats you well.

 

I don't fault you for thinking of this affair. I would too. And I am man enough to say that I could choose the affair if I was in your situation. Hey, I could do it in my situation.

 

As opposed to simply doing what needs to be done and get a divorce first?

 

It amazes me that people think things are bad enough to cheat, but not bad enough to leave the situation they say they hate.

[JamesM]

As opposed to simply doing what needs to be done and get a divorce first?

 

It amazes me that people think things are bad enough to cheat, but not bad enough to leave the situation they say they hate.

 

You completely misunderstood my post and misquoted me.

 

Taken out of context, it has a different meaning.

[mercy]

I understand how you feel. I know why you feel enthralled with this new woman. I have no doubt that she is wonderful and treats you well.

 

I don't fault you for thinking of this affair. I would too. And I am man enough to say that I could choose the affair if I was in your situation. Hey, I could do it in my situation.

 

If you choose this other woman and still continue in your marriage, I would not judge you.

 

Catch? Yup. There is one.

 

You mentioned high blood pressure from stress. Do you think a secret affair will lower that stress or increase it? Do you think the stress of being found out will lower or increase it?

 

If your goal is to live beyond 40, then I don't think an affair is a good choice towards that goal.

 

Solution IMO:

 

1. Talk with your counselor and discover what would be best for you...leave or stay. Your MD has already said that you have too much stress.

 

2. Talk with your wife and tell her that this is too much for you. Tell your wife that staying may be more harmful for you than leaving, and if she loves you, then she may need to let you go until she has solved some of her own issues.

 

3. If you decide to leave, do so and still be a friend to your wife. Let her know that the ball is in her court. If she loves you and herself, then she will need to solve her anxiety issues. While I know that you leaving will cause her greater anxiety, I doubt it will be her demise. I think that she may need a wakeup call.

 

4. Do NOT begin an affair with this OW. If you cannot keep it as a friendship until you are divorced, then don't stay friends. Why? Because if she loves you, then she will want you to do what is best and honorable. If she simply loves the feelings that you give her, then she will want to be with you and feel hurt of you don't with her. While I don't think she is a cheat for starting this, I do think that if you frame it as I stated, and then if she says that you will lose her if you don't start an affair...you know that she is not a good choice for more than a fling.

 

5. Don't accept the status quo. You realize what needs to be changed. Do it.

 

 

This woman may be your wakeup call. DON'T let her be your downfall.

 

Now go and do the right thing.

 

I love love love this post!

 

Did I mention I love this post?