wife had an affair with someone i work with what now?

[reservoirdog1]

SHE'S BEING A SELFISH MANIPULATIVE SLUT!

 

WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH IT?!?!?!?

 

HIM OR YOU!!!! NOT BOTH!!!

 

TELL HER THAT, ALREADY!!!

 

 

 

Sorry to yell Ram, but you need a smack to the head.

[amerikajin]

To every guy reading this, this is a classic example of why you don't ever put up with an ounce of s*** from a woman. If she so much as cancels a date and gives you some lame-ass excuse, walk away, 'cause you know you've got nothing but ingratitude to look forward to for as long as the relationship lasts.

 

And to add proper context to the infamous gang-bang thread, this is why when your girlfriend cheats on you before marriage, you leave. Don't ask questions, just leave. Don't take her back. Be a man, and stand on your own. I suppose you could hire a counselor to sort it all out for you but growing a pair of nads is much cheaper and less time-consuming.

 

Ramdogg,

 

You've got to get your head out of your ass and get your life back. Doing that is going to take a lot of hard work, and to be honest, you probably will need a good counselor to help you somewhere along the way. You're not crazy, but there's something inside of you that allows you to take this cr@p from her -- not to mention this co-worker of yours.

 

This wife of yours is just a straight up worthless b!tch. Everything she's done to you is to get even or hurt you in some way. She didn't just have an affair with this guy, she pretty much told you so to your face, as if you weren't supposed to care. You two make vacation plans and she invites who? Not just to the place where you're spending your vacation, but to your hotel room?!?!

 

I could go on at all the things that shocked me reading your post. I'll just get to the nitty gritty.

 

1. You cannot expect other people to respect you when you don't respect yourself. By letting her just do as she pleases without recourse is a sign that you don't respect yourself; consequently, neither does she.

 

2. Without respect, you can't get love. She doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you, either. Your marriage is dead and it has been for a long time. You two resent each other and that's why you're where you are.

 

3. End the marriage ASAP. No questions. Whatever happens with custody and all that, happens. You've got to sort yourself out anyway. Figure out how to respect yourself. The longer you stay in this situation, that anger will surface in an ugly way between the two of you. Your kids deserve better from both of you.

 

4. Get a new job. Get a new life.

[jmargel]

Guys, I know you want to help him out of this situation, but please.. No need to call 'her' names, and say things to him that will make him get defensive.

 

Ramdogg, what you need is a confidence builder. When I was hurt by my ex fiancee, who cheated on me with my best friend of 15 years I couldn't take much more frustration. I could have honestly killed this guy if I knew I could get away with it. I have confidence in that respect, but in alot of other ways I was missing quite a bit. I also needed to get my anger out. The best way I did that was to start taking martial arts. I started kickboxing. As I felt myself get tired out, I thought of him.. I thought of what the lies they both said to me, and then mentally pictured them together. That got my rage up and worked even harder at kickboxing. It took me six months of this, 3-4 times a week to finally get all my frustration and anger out.

 

You also have alot of questions unresolved, and she is blaming you for her stress. So it's obivious she is upset with you about something. Things weren't good before all this happened, were they? Be honest, because the probability of this happening while the relationship between you two were good, would be very slim.

 

Does she truly want this to work out, or does she want time to test out this new guy? That's the important question. If she wanted to seperate it should be for the purpose of her wanting time by herself, not with other men to think & feel things through. I can't stress this enough, but if you two want to work this out you two NEED a marriage counselor.

 

The next thing I am going to mention YOU NEED TO READ CAREFULLY. Otherwise your marriage will basically be doomed:

 

You MUST deal with the issues, not the topics!

 

And what I mean by that, the topic is her being 'friends' or 'sleeping' with this other man. If you were to get her to stop seeing this man right now, how long do you think it will take before she goes back to him? How long do you think it will take for her to find someone else? You want to stop that correct?

 

In order to do that you need to deal with the issues. The reason WHY she's been with this other man. The reason WHY she is treating you like dirt and not respecting her vows. The only way to do that is to goto a GOOD, LICENSED Marriage counselor. They will dig through the dirt and get to the root of the problem. Look at it as like a weed. This guy is a weed in your garden, but if you just try to pull him out by the leaves he'll grow back. Get him out by the roots.

 

It's upto you on how much hurt you can deal with. You will have alot of torment in the upcoming years if you try to work things out with her. Alot of anger, hurt, resentment, questions, not being able to trust. This takes time to rebuild. The foundation of your relationship is in bad shape.

 

These are the things you should do:

 

- You need to gain more confidence

 

- Stop treating her like a she's doing nothing wrong. Stop climbing into her bed and cuddling her. Stop making yourself seem deseperate to her. Women don't respect that. You are not going to push her any further away by stopping that. You are actually pushing her away by doing that.

 

- Learn to gain self respect

 

- Stop being co-dependant on her!!!! Your life WILL go on if she leaves you. You WILL find someone who will treat you like you should. She is not the only woman in the world. Stop romantizing about the good times you had with her. Focus on yourself

 

- See a counselor for yourself, even if she doesn't want to see one

 

For her, if she wants to work things out she needs to do the following

 

- Quit all contact with him, tell him it's over.

 

- Find remorse for what she did, and how it's affected so many lives

 

- Treat you with the respect you deserve

 

- Be more sensititive and to realize the situation she is in, she is about to lose everything

 

- See a counselor for herself and you.

 

- Deal with the issues that need to be dealt with.

 

Trust me, if these things don't happen you are looking at the same routine over & over. Stop sharing your wife. And whatever you do, don't act on emotion. If you feel the need to hit someone, do as what you are doing. Yell in your car to get your frustration out. And if you feel suicidal, contact someone immediately. Give her an ultamatium. Either it's you & wanting to work things out or to leave you alone. Remember it's also upto you to decide if you want to continue this relationship as well.

[whichwayisup]

That's some great advice and words of wisdom there JM...I could not have said that better myself.

 

It's true for those who are name calling and being harsh, it's okay to give your opinion but there is no reason to be hurtful and nasty! I know what his wife has done is horrible and she obviously isn't thinking about anyone but herself, but remember Ram DOES have feelings too and I'm sure he feels sh*tty enough and doesn't need everyone bashing her with rudeness! Ya know what I mean???

 

Ram, I hope you feel better soon and things get sorted out even sooner. You are stronger than you think you are and yes it will be very hard to leave and learn how to be on your own but it really will be better for you and your kids in the long run.

 

Hugs to you.

 

WWIU

[amerikajin]

If what he has posted is true, then I disagree.

 

What he needs is a controlled anger toward her. A person has to be angry about something like that happening. A person has to be able to draw the line on what he will and will not accept from people, and he has to be prepared to judge and categorize people according to how they treat him.

 

I think it's healthy for him to understand right away that only a worthless b!tch would treat him like that. What's even healthier is that he reach that conclusion and then draw the line by saying "This is unacceptable behavior, and the consequences of this are that the relationship is over." Believe me, no matter how ugly it is for me to come on here on call her names, there is a part of him deep down inside that's thinking of her in exactly those terms anyway.

 

The problem here is that he's trying to suppress that anger in a way that isn't constructive. He's trying to overcompensate for his extreme weaknesses by trying to demonstrate extraordinary show of strength. It ain't gonna work. She's not going to appreciate him just because he's able to endure her torture by showing extreme loyalty and submissiveness.

 

In no way am I advocating destructive anger; instead, I'm advocating constructive anger by saying to yourself "Hey, this is nonsense, and I won't stand for it.". Be real about your true feelings and let the feelings come out in a natural way. Don't supress how you feel, 'cause if you do, then what could happen is an ugly, out of control release of that raw rage. And that would only make things much more difficult for everyone to deal with.

 

If my ex-fiance or any significant other had done to me what has been done to him, I'd expect nothing less had I posted something like this on here.

 

Sometimes, you just gotta call a spade a spade. That's the start of the healing process.

[ramdogg]

In response to jmargel as far as problems in our relationship prior to what’s been going on the answer is yes before we got married and before kids our fights were more physical and the name calling was unbearable yet I always stuck by her because after she simmered down she would cry to me and apologize wholeheartedly. She would blame her rage on her parents and the way they raised her. Her mom was an daily alcohol user and would ignore her on a daily basis, her father on the other hand was very abusive and would hit his wife for abusing alcohol and spending money, there was a lot of fighting in her household growing up so she told me that to her fighting and yelling was a way of life and normal to her. I probably could have turned my back on her and left her but I fell in love with her. She has a very soft side to her that I love; the other half is still in turmoil.

 

 

 

To this day she wishes that she could go to counseling with her brother and parents to talk about her childhood and what she saw. She blames some of her infidelity on her father. As a child she remembers her mom going through her dads pants and finding condoms in his pockets. She would tell my wife your” dad is cheating on me “ yet when her dad came home she acted like everything was o.k. She told me the other day that maybe her father’s actions and her mother’s acceptance about that situation made it normal to her.

 

 

 

I feel really bad for the way she was raised and in no way do I fee like I am saving her from all of that pain she had as a child. She sometimes tells me that although she shares these stories with me I cant empathize with her, as my childhood was a good one, my parents were involved in church heavily and for over 15 years were coordinators of a marriage service called marriage encounters. Growing up I can only remember 1 fight my folks had. Am not saying that they were perfect but my life and my wife’s are complete opposite. After our second child is when all of this mess started I felt like she didn’t care about me and ignored me so i started talking to another woman. I told her that nothing ever happened between us sexually I did tell her that I liked her and that I pleasured myself once while thinking of her that was enough to send her over the top .we went to counseling and she feels that it was a waste of her time and that’s where we are at today.

 

 

I don’t know if counseling will help I think that time apart would be best I will miss my kids I’ll get to see them on weekends it just sucks because my oldest starts school this Thursday and all of this stuff will be hanging over his head a new home no dad to have around it kills me to think about that right now but it’s probably the best for him. Ram

[jmargel]

Ah.. see, those are the issues you two need to deal with. Whenever you get into a heated argument, it's always best to go to seperate places for a half hour or so, and then reapproach the subject again. It may take a few times for this to happen before the subject can be talked about in a civil manner.

 

She needs counseling now. If you decide you need to live seperatetly now, that's fine. However, going to counseling together while doing this would be most beneifical. My fiancee (getting married tomorrow) had a bad childhood. I can tell in some of the ways she acts, it's because of it. We've been in counseling now and she finally recognizes why she acts that way and she's gotten so much better. We still continue to go because we do hit bumps in the road at times.

 

She also needs counseling for herself. If she really wants this to work she would agree to going. Talk to her tonight about it. Tell her this is a way for her to prove she loves you, along with not having anymore contact with this other guy. And why should you move out of the house? You didn't do anything. Was the fights before, were they physical on both your parts? As for the kids, I don't understand why they can't live with you. You have just as much right as she does.

 

This is what happens when a lack of communication doesn't get resolved. It develops into more issues. It's like snowball going downhill, the problems just get bigger & bigger. It went into more arguing, you telling her about this other woman (why in the world did you tell her that?). She probably felt insecure and withdrawn when she was a child as it was and this was just something on top of all of that.

 

The ball is in her court, since you still want to maintain this relationship. In either way this should be resolved as soon as possible, on what she wants. Again even if she wants to move out but still wants to try between you two, counseling is the main key. If she says yes, find one this weekend or early next week. Don't wait on this. Good luck.

[amerikajin]

To this day she wishes that she could go to counseling with her brother and parents to talk about her childhood and what she saw.

 

What's holding her back? If she wants counseling, she can get it anytime she wants. She just doesn't want it - that's the problem. There's a part of her that doesn't want to trust other people, which is understandable given her background; but still, that doesn't help you very much. And for God's sakes, think about your kids: you've got to be the one parent in that house who's strong enough to show them that this is completely unacceptable behavior and that there are consequences for it. But you're not doing that; you're showing them that their father is weak and will put up with anything, and that means nothing but an awful environment for them to live in.

 

Leave. Get out and repair your life, and start trying to figure out how to get your own identity. If you're lucky, you'll be able to get your wife in for some real counseling at some point in the future. After you leave, the chump she's running around with will have the responsibility of trying to tame that beast.

 

She blames some of her infidelity on her father

 

Ever notice how dysfunctional people always have someone to blame? Ever notice how it's never themselves?

[whichwayisup]

Hi Ram.

You really seem to want to work it out, it's so obvious how much you love her...Everyone has emotional baggage and hers really seems to have affected her. Therapy would really benefit her as well as you..Just to keep sane ya know?

 

I see you are online now, just wanted to say hi. I hope you're hanging in okay. I tried to see if I could PM you some more of my thoughts but that option is not available on your profile...

 

Anyways, hang in there, keep posting.

 

WWIU

[ramdogg]

well yesterday i came home my wife was on her way home as well so when she got there i helped her unload groceries help get the kids out etc. etc she made us a nice dinner and after dinner after the kids went to sleep we had a talk i didn't want to get into it with her regarding our future and what i mean by that is i wanted to just listen and not say much i think is what she really needed . she told me that she went to Costco yesterday and apperantly the om called her and asked where she was at and what she was doing she told him that she was shopping . well wouldn't you know it he showed up coincedintally to shop there as well (yeah right) anyways on her way out her parents met her outside to give her something her father happened to see the om in the background and gave my wife the third degree asking why are you with that sob i don't like him or trust him. her mom let her have it too saying where is your husband my wife said he's still on the bus (i commute 2 hrs to work each way) she gave her a dirty look. we talked and she told me that she is somewhat getting tired of hanging out with him which i hope she does. she told him that i said that this can't go on much longer and my frustration will eventually lead to a fight between me and the om . the om told her anytime he wants we can go in my backyard and told her that if that happens i'll be leaving with both my eyes closed shut from the a$$ whooping he will be giving me .she told him that if he ever lands a finger on me that she would walk away from there friendship because she wouldn't know what to say to the children as to what happened to me. it was nice for her to be home the kids were happy to have her home no exaggeration this is the longest time she has spent at home in a long time it was good anyways to answer jmargel question as to why i told my wife about what i did i wanted to be truthful and after i said it i wanted to take it back but it was too late . wwiu i checked my profile and how do i enable PM mode ? anyways ttys. Ram

[whichwayisup]

Hi Ram. Go to your profile and I think it's Edit Options...There inside should be a question asking to enable private messaging...Click on yes to enable it. I'm pretty sure that's it, think there's another ques. in there if you want a notification telling you when you get a PM. So, there ya go, hope it works!!

 

I'm glad she talked to you about what's been going in her head. It seems she may be sick of this guy, he sounds really manpulative and nasty too. Doing a number on her. Glad that her parents laid into her about the OM. I'm sure she's starting to open up her eyes abit more, and spending more time with you and the kids definately made her feel something...Possibly some guilt/regret or sorrow??? Hmm. I hope so.

 

Yeh stay away from OM. No matter how much you want to pound him out or if he wants to pound you...That's only going to lead to bigger problems. And ofcourse the kids don't need to see their daddy lookin' all scrapped up.

 

Hope you have a nice weekend.

 

WWIU

[amerikajin]

Ramm,

 

Enough of this talking. You're heading nowhere except towards a physical confrontation with the other man, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do.

 

Don't you get it? Everything she's telling you is designed to injure you in some way. She gets off seeing you react so angrily, because there's a part of her that wants to feel important. And what better way for a drama queen to feel important than to have a classic physical confrontation between two men who want her (oh wow! ).

 

I'm sorry, but all of this business about trying to work it out and going through counseling with her is just plain nonsense. Your relationship with her is over. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. She doesn't need you, she needs a shrink. You've got to move on and give your children at least one parental figure. That won't happen as long as you're being suckerpunched by this woman.

[reservoirdog1]

Ram... it's all very well that she's getting tired of him. That's good.

 

But it doesn't solve the problem. The problem is that right now she has no respect for you. Her stopping seeing him because she's tired of him won't solve the problem, because she will continue to see you as somebody she can walk all over and, probably, cheat on with somebody else.

 

You can't wait for her affair to die a natural death -- you have to KILL IT. Sure, it will piss her off in the short term. But she'll respect you a lot more if you demonstrate that you won't put up with that s*** from her.

 

I'm not telling her that you should leave her. But I AM telling you that , if the affair ends without her being put to an ultimatum and just because she's tired of it, then you may as well leave her. Because unless you take a proactive role in keeping her faithful, she will cheat on you again. Mark my words.

[veronese]

Hi Ram,

 

The reason all this mess started, according to your W, is because you became too friendly with a co-worker?

 

I understand why your wife would be hurt by this, but the fact that you realised the friendship was not an appropriate one so ended, speaks volumes for you as a decent man. You recognised the danger signals and did the honourable thing.

 

So, she reacts in getting close to her 'friend' of her own, maybe in some way as a form of retaliation? A natural reaction perhaps but not a justifiable one. To hang what you did over you indefinitely is cruel.

 

Does she want to be married to you?

 

Does she love you?

 

Has she no shame for inviting this man into your lives like this?

 

She has become emotionally and sexually involved with this man and for some reason you have allowed it to continue. The OM obviously has no respect for you, he's been threatening and abusive to you, even inviting you to fight him in your own back yard, where he promises to kick your ass admirably.

 

You work with this man too? How closely do you have to interact with him? How can you get through each day with this wanker being in your face all the time?

 

Ram, I can see how much you love your kids, and even your disgraceful wife, so it's bound to be hard to call it a day and part ways. But Ram, if she hasn't got respect, love, loyalty for you now and is free as a bird to do what she will, it will only progressively deteriorate, and what you are tolerating at present is frankly unbearable.

 

When I read your posts they could have been written by a woman about her H. It's more unusual to find a man living with such a cow for a wife, but we're all human and emotions can be raw.

 

I'd call it a day if I were you Ram, you need to start preparing yourself.

 

Good luck, we're all rooting for you.

 

x

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Reading your posts are almost unbearable. Here the OM hangs with your wife at the store where you taking buses to get home from work. The OM threatens to kick your ass but you refuse to even let him know that you know he has been screwing your wife because it would be uncomfortable because you see him at work?

It would be uncomfortable for him. What is wrong with that.

 

I think it is telling that your wife tells you that she told the OM that she would maybe stop seeing him if he beat you up because she would not know what to tell the childrend if you had black eyes? Hello....... What the hell is this. Maybe she should say that she wants to work on the marriage and feels it is not right to be committing adultry in her marriage. This shows it is all about her.

She could care less about you except for your paycheck. She continues to humiliate and disrespect you and have sex with this man because you once flirted with another woman?

 

I do not think you can get any more advise from this board. It is clear that you are enabling this friendship and affair to continue because you are afraid. You are willing to accepts crumbs in this marriage while your wife and the OM totally demean you as a husband and as a man. I feel so sorry for you because it is clear to me that you are willing to accept every type of humiliation and disrespect without exposing the affair to her parents, the OM and the workplace. I see no reason for your wife to stop this behavior because you basically condone it. You seem to accept the fact that she is justified to lie and screw another man because you once flirted with another woman. She will never respect you because you have no respect for yourself. What kind of a message you are giving to your children? Would you want your children to grow up and marry someone and act the way you are doing with your tail between your legs accepting crumbs from their spouse. I seriously think that you must be some sort of a masochist to accept this and you must enjoy this in some sick way. Nevertheless, I wish you the best because you apparently enjoy being second best.

[pedwin]

GOOD GOD!!!!!

I just read your posts and I'm in total shock. You said you don't want anyone to know because they might laugh at you?????They are already laughing at you!!! You need to throw this woman out on her ass and quick!!!! Holy Cow!!! She is making a monkey out of you. Ill bet you your kids are feeling bad for you also. Kids know a lot more than you think.

 

I am posting on this board because I was cheated on and I'm trying to make sense of it all and decide what i'm going to do with the rest of my life. But I can tell you one thing for sure. If my H came home with $2400.00 worth of gifts from another woman I'd make him eat em!!! If he told me they were just friends I would try my best to beat him to death for insulting my intelligence!! YOU NEED TO THROW THIS GOLD DIGGING B---H OUT ON HER CHEATING BUTT TODAY!!!!!

Pedwin

[pedwin]

It's Pedwin again,

I just read your last post. I don't know how I missed it before but THE ONLY REASON YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU WHAT SHE DID WAS BECAUSE HER ASS GOT CAUGHT AT COSCO. SHE WAS AFRAID SOMEONE ELSE WOULD TELL YOU.

Pedwin

[romme22]

I just read the entire 3 pages of messages and responses and I'm furious, I'm gonna go go kick the crap out of anyone that looks at me wrong on your behalf.

 

To see anyone being treated like this and taking it without taking any action is nuts.

 

If you didn't know any of this was going on that would make it somewhat different but do know it's going on and you are enabling it by your inaction. If you think this guy isn't telling everyone at work he's banging your wife, your wrong. If you think your wife is 'just friends' your wrong. Your wife can do anything she wants because you are letting her.

 

Did you ever ask her where she was for 5 hours when she went to get coffee and you were home blubbering? Maybe she sitting in her car listening to girlie music thinking about what a wonderful husband you are.

 

I hate to be so harsh here as I'm not typically a violent person but all of this has got to stop, you need to take some supplements to see if you can get your nads to grow back and take action.

 

Your wife has got whatever she wants, she knows that she can do whatever she wants because you will do absolutely NOTHING about it. She can get coffee for 5 hours and have some fun and then has to deal with a little whining when she gets back.

 

Reminds me of being a teenager and going out with friends and drinking, you knew your parents were going to be mad and maybe you'd get in trouble if you got caught but you'd do it anyway because it was so much fun.

 

This is what your wife has, the ability to go out, do whatever she wants and then have you bitch for a minute and go off to the other room to pout to only come back later to kiss her ass and confirm she has done the right thing. I bet you apologize for getting mad everytime you do get mad.

 

Oh and the whole Tahoe thing, she sends you to the casino so she can call him immediately and you take this as a good thing that he's going to apologize or something. I'm sure you know that he never should have gone in the first place and he did because you allowed it and your wife wanted it.

 

In my opinion the whole thing with her parents is a bad situation too because even though they may be bitching at her now, she is still thier daughter and they will never take your side if things could possibly get any uglier than they are now. You need to get them uninvolved.

 

My advice on what to do is bad but it's what I'd do.

 

1st thing is not negotiable in anyway. Tell wifey that she must not talk to or see the other person anymore, take her cell phone or get new ones,change the numbers. Checkthe records and see if she give shim the new number, be furious if she does. Tell her it's him or you and that you can't be humiliated like this anymore.

 

2nd thing

 

Charge at him and beat him mercilessly until you hands are bloody because you know that's what you want to do. If he's bigger than you and your scared, sucker punch him first, get him off guard then start swinging. make sure your wife isn't around for either situation because she'll stop you and you'll be that much more of a wimp for not taking a stand and letting your wife protect you from her lover.

 

OR

 

Get him to hit you then have him arrested for assualt, do not hit him back, defend yourself by blocking, make sure there are witnesses, tell him your wife said he sucked in bed and that she said he has a little dick or something else that will get him mad enough to hit you. Call him a faggot who has no balls. After you have him arrested, then find a lawyer and sue him for assualt, pain, emotional baggage whatever.

 

You'll definitely flush out your wifes feelings for him and the truth at that point, she'll either run to him or to you. If she runs to you, lay down your terms and do not deviate. If she runs to him, then get the hell out and make her life hell for making your life hell. I'm hoping things work out for you here but if you were to get to the point of divorce then do not take an agreement where you have the kids every weekend, shoot for every other weekend and a couple of weekdays instead. cause if you take then every weekend, your wife be be out banging your coworker on the weekends while your home sulking and babysitting. (kinda like now eh?)

 

One final thing. I am not sorry for rambling on, I'm pissed on your behalf. I just watch my niece do this exact same thing to her husband who sat idle wanting to talk about her friend and how it was hurting his feelings. She's now with the friend while her wimpy, ineffective, idle ex-husband sits at home watching the kids every weekend while she goes away and has a ball.

 

 

 

 

You need to take action now. Do not wait or let this go on another second.

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry, double post... see below.

[reservoirdog1]

Romme's blunt Ramdogg, but he has a point. I agree with everything he said, except for the part about beating the s*** out of the OM (hereafter known as Jackoff). I love the part about maneuvering things so that he smacks you first -- as long as you can handle a little physical pain (which, I assure you, would be peanuts compared to the emotional pain you're currently suffering -- if you can survive that and come out stronger, you can handle anything), it would be totally worth it.

 

Firstly, if Jackoff smacks you, you are totally justified in hitting back in self-defense and no legal consequences will befall you. I agree, make sure there are witnesses. If he takes the first shot, you can get medieval on his ass without worry.

 

Secondly, I agree with Romme in that, by a fight happening, your wife will be put to a choice right away -- Jackoff or you. If she chooses you, then you're in a much stronger position to lay down the law about her future behaviour. She gives you unrestricted access to her cell phone, email, etc. anytime you want for as long as you want, makes herself totally accountable to you, etc. She has to bend over backwards to rebuild the marriage.

 

If she chooses him, then you get a pitbull divorce lawyer and start divorce proceedings on grounds of adultery. I don't know about you, but where I live, if you seek divorce on those grounds, you can serve Jackoff with the papers and stick HIM with the cost of proving adultery. Also, the lawyer will be able to tell you whether or not your state still allows you to sue Jackoff for alienation of affection -- that could be sweet too.

 

Right now, Jackoff thinks that, at worst, he's going to walk out of the whole situation unscathed, just without your wife -- but that'll be OK, because he can still brag to everybody he meets that he f*cked her. Prove him wrong -- there are things you can do. Anything you can do to put his tit through a wringer and squeeze till it's purple will do you a world of good.

 

My usual advice in situations like this is to just do everything you can to get the OM out of your life, because by expending emotional energy on him, you're giving him power he doesn't deserve. But this is a special case -- Jackoff has been so provocative and such a complete s*** that, in my opinion, part of your recovery from this should involve some recrimination against him.

 

Just my $0.02...

[guest]

You need to sit in a room and think seriously about why YOU let yourself be treated in this way. Your wife is getting away with what YOU allow her to. She is clearly damaged in some way and I do feel sorry for her, but you clearly have issues that mean you not only put up with this behavior but to some extent get something out of it.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt but it seems you have serious problems of self esteem. You must feel totally reliant on your wife to tolerate this situation.

 

And what is your wife getting out of this? Pushing this OM into your face indicates to me that she's pushing you to DO something; regardless of what she says, how do you think it feels to a wife when her man won't fight (in a figurative sense, not literally... although...) for her. I am not saying that I believe she is worth fighting for, but you clearly do, so I'm just saying that waiting patiently until you wife tires of her affair, is not the way to 'win' either her respect or her love and it won't save your dying marriage which, whether you choose to accept it or not, is dying. Even though you are clearly the 'submissive' partner in your relationship, your wife wants you to reach a limit and put your foot down. It's twisted but then with all due respect your whole situation has corkscrew written all over it.

 

Even when (not if, when) she tires of her lover and it's just you and her again, you will be the husband who served cold cuts to her lover, the man that was so afraid of the $h*t hitting the fan, he lived in it. Her (and your) issues will continue to fester long after this OM has gone, until she can't bear the sight of you (or herself) and then, if she doesn't leave, she'll push the limits further and it will all start again.

 

Being a man isn't a matter of beating a rival to a pulp but it has a lot to do with respect. Respect for others, respect for yourself and respect for the marriage that you are at the moment allowing to be spat on. You think you can fool the gods and ride out the storm, you can't. You have to face this down. I am praying you do so before she breaks up with the OM because if you don't, the memories of how you chose to deal with this, will haunt you forever.

 

No marriage can survive this degree of shame and resentment. And if you aren't ashamed and resentful, this degree of self denial. If you want any hope of saving your relationship (I won't judge you for wanting to stay, although like most I can't understand it) you must tell your wife that she must have no contact with this man from now on. Confront her lover and tell him to keep away from your wife.

 

Get yourself some professional help to find out why you tolerated this behavior and build the resolve you need to move ahead. Is there a trusted male friend you can talk to? Your father? a Minister? anyone?

 

If your wife doesn't agree to break all contact with her lover and go for counseling to sort out her messed up head, it's best to understand that you will be effectively dancing on the Titanic and your relationship is doomed anyway. It may take years and countless more humiliations on your part before it sinks, but you're all going down - by which time your children will have learnt that a real man, when problems arise, sits very, very still, doesn't make a fuss, doesn't confront, closes his eyes and hopes it will all go away.

 

Shame on you for putting up with this!

[romme22]

>>Anything you can do to put his tit through a wringer and squeeze till it's purple will do you a >>world of good.

 

reservoirdog1, yeah buddy, now you're talking, very good post!!!

 

 

Good point guest. My girlfriend years ago was flirting with some guy at a bar while I was over talking with some buddies. Talking is okay but when he started getting touchy feely she became uncomfortable and was pushing him away but he kept grabbing at her. When I finally saw what was going on I went over to him and told him to beat it, he started talking all tough but I stood my ground and didn't back down. When it came down to the wire he chickened out and left. Did I want to fight, no, but I did prove my point and that was that I would fight if I had to protect my girlfriend. I gained enough respect from my now wife that moment that I never had to deal with anything like that again.

 

Maybe she wants to see if you'll fight for her, maybe not physically but maybe she's trying to get a response from you other than being passive. I'm not saying all woman are like this but some women want a hero, they want someone to protect them, to be there when they're hurt and to show off to thier friends.

 

One other comment, never ever tell your wife or girlfriend that your polishing your knob and not thinking about her.

[sadgrrl]

That's some serious headgames she's playing about equating your flirting with her slutting around. They're not equal at all, and it sounds to me like she's just doing that to make herself feel better. I remember when I told my husband I cheated on him, I actually wanted him to cheat on me back, like it would be a quick and easy way of balancing out things (f-cked up, I know). But I bet she's taking a slightly different approach by blowing your flirting way out of proportion.

 

I have no constructive advice because I'm a wreck myself but dude your situation sounds seriously messed up and you gotta do something fast!!

[amerikajin]

No Romme, violent confrontations are not the answer to this. It's what ramdogg should be trying to avoid at all costs. He'll end up with an arrest record and once you go down that road, you never know where it'll end up. It's also a bad message to send to the kids. It's bad enough that he's sending the message to them that people can get away with treating daddy like crap; it would be even worse if his response was to explode into violent anger.

 

The answer is simple, ramdogg: get the f_ck out of this relationship and start taking control of your life NOW. No fist fights, just simple action that shows you're going to start standing up for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, that's easier said than done and I'm sure Ram knows in the end when the right time is to leave...No matter what he has to feel he tried his best.

 

Just my 3 cents worth here.

 

WWIU