Should I date him still - He's good friends with his ex?

[bluelights]

Me and him have a strong history together - we've dated since middle school on and off. But in between our only very long break up, he dated one other girl who he says he only liked as a best friend.

 

They're still friends.

Close friends.

 

I love him so much (there's many years put into this) and his actions DO show he loves me too. But I know he calls her and he wants to talk to her cause they're good friends, but he knows I don't like it so he tries to refrain from doing it. But I know he wants to, and he does still talk to her a lot.

 

What do I do? I don't trust him at all (I used to be his only gf, and now im not, and he's still close with her!) but i love him more than anyone because we've been together for so long. My trust in him just isn't there, but i dont want to lose him again. He's actually a good guy, (Ive known him for years), and he's against cheating, but you never actually know.

 

Help?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I might be wasting my breathe on you due to your age and emotional state, but here it goes anyway.

 

A strong history isn't just a long history, length itself doesn't alone determine the value of a relationship, which I see often it defined as a major "sign" of some kind of potential longevity.

 

I know you're young, this sounds like your first or second "real" relationship and you might be afraid to let this go. But you're too young, he's too young, you both need to find yourselves and do some soul-searching, on and off again is typical for kid relationships and the concept you have of "love" is much more an idea than a reality, you're going to think much differently about it all in the future.

 

However the basics remain the same, trust without a relationship isn't much of a relationship. That might need to get banged into your head over many relationships and men but you'll realize in the end, years from now, that you can't ever make a man/boy do anything, if he wants to do it, then they'll find an opportunity to do it. You can't change the way someone else feels, just because you "love" him so much, that doesn't make him feel any differently or more dedicated or less of a cheater or less interested in this other girl, you have no power over someone else or their feelings for someone else, just like ultimately they have no power over you unless you give them that power or control.

 

Most of this will probably be too much and go over your head, maybe you'll catch on to some of this advice, but I know ultimately you're going to follow your feelings. The thing is now you know, whenever you feel in doubt you know the truth, you will always know inside that you can't make him love you and you know that even if he loves you that might not keep him from cheating or even becoming emotionally attached so you already know a lot of the answers to these questions, you're scared for a reason and that's because you recognize he really likes this girl.

 

Therefore if you can't talk to him about this and your relationship...which communication is always important and really is the key, however that's if you can handle the truth or even want to know it...then you're not just going to be able to magically trust him, there's nothing anyone can tell you here to make you feel better about this, there's no magic in relationships, it all takes effort, mutual investment and work and you'll hopefully realize that as you get older.

 

You also can't lose what you never had, and even if you had him at one time, it doesn't mean he's with you now because he wants to be with you. Because when people go on and off they do it for a spur of emotions, but then they remember why they didn't want to be with you anyway and end up feeling the same way. And if you think he loves you that much and wants to be with you then he'll make that decision right? because the only thing you can do now is harass him and bug him, make him not talk to this other girl...but you know what? then he'll just feel conflicted inside or cornered or talk to her behind your back anyway, so in the end all you're doing is delaying the inevitable.

 

I know this is all very rational and logical and you're just in an emotional state looking for some kind of reassurance here, but I don't give that kind of support on these forums...that's the truth if you want to see it, otherwise you can just continue on clinching him tight to you like a teddy bear in the dark, but that will only push him away in the end, because you can't make anyone do anything in the end that they don't feel and want to, unless you expect them to just give in at some point and make a decision out of guilt and how long you've been together...but you're never just going to get that magical romance and relationship you always wanted, men either want that, or they don't...the quicker you learn that, the less time you'll waste investing emotions in places you shouldn't, because you have no control in the end, if he wants to be with you, only he can make that decision and you need to communicate with your BF and whoever else you're in a relationship to make sure you are the same page and the feelings are out in the open.

 

Also he's likely lying to you about only dating her as a best friend, men always lie about their feelings if they're going to hurt you...most of the time. He already knows what you want to hear and want him to say, so he's likely not to do anything "stupid" to cause him more trouble then he already has, but that's because you're emotional instead of just seeking the truth, but that comes with emotional maturity and responsibility.

 

He's not necessarily a bad guy, but he's a young guy, and he's capable of making mistakes, and us guys do change a lot as we get older...some become that bad guy, some stay the same, others become better.

[bluelights]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I know that length isnt everything, but I also know I made more mistakes than he ever has.

I know for a fact that he loves me, I know it.

 

All those times we broke up, it was all me - and he gave me no reason to break up, I was just insecure and wanted to date other guys. I did date a lot of other guys, and it was all for fun for me, and I love the feeling of "getting chased" and all of that.

 

The problem for him with me is that he knows that I'm always gonna be attracted to other guys, I've cheated on him once (when I was younger, a lot younger) and I guess he's always worried that I'm gonna leave him for someone else.

 

I've been writing in my previous post that I'm worried about him and this girl, but the reason we split last time was because I broke up with him because I was too insecure, because I wanted the chase, I wanted to date other people, etc. It was, in all honesty, my fault.

 

 

Which is why Im scared that he DOESN'T really like this girl, I'm just overly paranoid and overly insecure like all those other times we were together. I honestly have issues with myself - i Know that i'm not unattractive (I've had plenty of guys ask me out, I've dated lots of other guys) but I'm just always scared a guy will not cheat (trust issues).

 

His actions show he loves me - he spends most of his days and every single night with me, even though we're in college. I can check his phone whenever. He begs me to stay with him. He always tells me how much he loves me.

 

He's just friends with his ex. Whom he has mutual friends with. But I also know he has values. Do you honestly think he's very into this girl, or its my paranoia / jealousy/ insecurities that are coming into play (Which for sure is a problem with me, i have it with everyone).?

 

I guess we are young - we're both 18 - i just hope we can be one of those lucky young couples that last (as we've been on and off since 13 years old).

Edited November 23, 2012 by bluelights

[iiiii]

Ningainpajamas has give you some pretty awesome advice.

 

You need to either commit to fully trusting and communicating with this guy, or move on and find someone you can trust.

 

I mean, think about it. Either your guy is still into this girl (in which case, you need to dump him and move on, since he's not trustworthy and just not that into you). Or, he's genuinely good platonic friends with this girl (which is a positive thing - your partner SHOULD have friends outside your relationship).

 

Either way, you being jealous and insecure and trying to control his friendships isn't the answer.

 

Personally, I would prefer to date a guy who is still friends with his exs (or at least some of them). To me, it shows that he's emotionally mature - that he's capable of being forgiving and of working through his emotions and issues. A guy that's still crazy angry or upset over all his exes, or trash talks them all, is a big red flag to me.