He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

November 23, 2012

Hi there,

my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are both in our 30ies. The last two months have been rough on me, mostly because we are physically apart (I moved for work) and he doesn't really seem to care. He never talks about missing me, or wanting to see me again soon (he claims that's because guys don't say things like that) and he has gotten more and more distant over the last few weeks.

I have tried to talk about it with him many times, but he always had some excuse and never admitted that his feelings are waning.

Yesterday was our anniversary and all I got from him was one lousy text saying: "hey, I think it is our Anniverary. Happy Anniversary". I replied saying Happy Anniverary too and that I loved and missed him. He did not reply and so after a few hours I sent him a text saying that I am hurt and that I have not felt like he loves me or wants to be my boyfriend for a while now.

His reply: "If you feel this way, maybe we should split up for a while."

I have not replied and am not sure I should. He basically dumped me, right? Even if he did not say it clearly.

I would really love to go back to the way things were before, when he was this loving, attentive, romantic boyfriend. But I don't see how that is going to happen.

He says we should 'split up for a while', but experience tells me that is bull**** and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by clearly stating that he does not want to be with me anymore. Though his actions have made that very clear over the last 2 months.

Any advice? Thanks for reading!

November 23, 2012

Ouch, sorry to hear that.

Yes, he's ended it - but in that spineless 'hey *you* said it, not me' way that he thinks absolves him from any guilt.

Don't reply. He'll probably start to text you in the next few days just to double check that you're miserable and missing him. Ignore those too. It sounds like that the relationship has run its course - learn what you can from it and find someone who treats you better.

(And *lots* of guys say things like 'I miss you' and 'I want to see you again soon'. He's just making excuses.)

November 23, 2012

I'd say move on from this...you live apart and unless its only a short term move, it's unlikely that you would be able to sustain a relationship with him anyway...as has already been shown with this 'split' 2 months after moving.

I'm sure you'll meet someone who is more mature than to suggest taking a break via text message!!

November 23, 2012

Thank you for your replies. In my head I know that you are right, but my heart finds it very hard to accept that he is out of my life. When we first met I was so happy and he was so different than most guys I have dated in the past; he was loving, attentive and so open with his emotions. From day one I knew where I stood with him and never had to wonder if he still cared. But for some reason that changed over the last two months and no matter what I tried, I could not get him to change back to the guy I met and fell in love with.

I am just really struggling right now, because I hung in there much longer than I would have with anyone else, just because I thought he was so great and didn't want to believe that he did not feel the same way anymore. I still think that he is a great guy, he just does not love me anymore. That hurts so bad. I was trying to be patient and supportive and give him the benefit of the doubt when he did not call, or when he stopped calling me by my petname. Now I wish I had called him on that much sooner and forced a confrontation two months ago. Maybe back then we could have still salvaged this relationship, but by now he got used to not having me in his life, not only physically but also emotionally, so I am sure that the fact that we are now officially broken up doesn't even bother him that much.

For some reason I really want to contact him and ask if we can work it out, but the truth is that we did not just have one fight and things got blown out of proportion, but he was been distant and withdrawn for months. I could name at least 20 things he did in the last 2 months to show that he doesn't love me anymore.

Anybody else in a similar situation?

November 23, 2012

You guys have only been dating for 6 months..he has been distant and not giving a crap if he even sees you or not for A THIRD of your relationship! He is not interested in working things out, don't embarrass yourself by asking, please! You should have left him when did those 20 things in just 2 months to show he doesn't care about you. Why would you keep putting up with that, why would you want that back?

Do not chase him! You will just look foolish and desperate.

November 23, 2012

Hi there,
my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months and we are both in our 30ies. The last two months have been rough on me, mostly because we are physically apart (I moved for work) and he doesn't really seem to care. He never talks about missing me, or wanting to see me again soon (he claims that's because guys don't say things like that) and he has gotten more and more distant over the last few weeks.

I have tried to talk about it with him many times, but he always had some excuse and never admitted that his feelings are waning.

Yesterday was our anniversary and all I got from him was one lousy text saying: "hey, I think it is our Anniverary. Happy Anniversary". I replied saying Happy Anniverary too and that I loved and missed him. He did not reply and so after a few hours I sent him a text saying that I am hurt and that I have not felt like he loves me or wants to be my boyfriend for a while now.

His reply: "If you feel this way, maybe we should split up for a while."

I have not replied and am not sure I should. He basically dumped me, right? Even if he did not say it clearly.

I would really love to go back to the way things were before, when he was this loving, attentive, romantic boyfriend. But I don't see how that is going to happen.

He says we should 'split up for a while', but experience tells me that is bull**** and he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by clearly stating that he does not want to be with me anymore. Though his actions have made that very clear over the last 2 months.

Any advice? Thanks for reading!

When I saw the title of this thread I thought you were both going to be teenagers not in your 30's. Does nobody talk in person anymore or call each other?

Yes, he 'dumped' you in a pretty cowardly way. It sounds like you knew it was coming with his actions over the past few months, people's feelings change and as it was only 6 months you were still getting to know each other.

By the way, guys DO say and mean things like 'I miss you' etc. I hope you now realise you are free to meet someone who will feel that way about you.

Not sure how you can have an 'anniversary' when you have only been together for 6 mths either!

November 23, 2012

This may sound a tad harsh but I think he was just faking it, a typical bloke thing we do to impress a new girl, 2 months apart? jee wizz, is this long if you really care for someone?

If we miss someone, we say it all the time.

November 23, 2012

Thank you, I need to hear that!

'Beyond', we were celebrating our monthly anniversaries, so even though the name might not fit, it was our 6-month anniversary.

'I'm nuts', I am not sure what you mean by "he was faking it". Faking what?

November 23, 2012

My ex and I have been together in every way except sex for the last 15 months - 3 months of real relationship, 15 months of being in a relationship but not being a couple which is amazing and hell at the same time - and this week he has gone from the usual 5-10 texts/emails a day to virtual silence. I know he is busy at work: he has sent me enough stuff to believe that, including a chain of emails from his mates, but I am still sitting here having not heard from him since 9am (unprecedented) and it has ruined my night out...

..... The silence thing SUCKS is my point. But I am not texting first and neither should you. I think if they are finally done then nothing we can say is going to change that, so silence is best. But god isn't this waiting torture???

November 24, 2012

I don't think silence, met by more silence ever solves anything??

Pick up the phone and call him. If he doesn't answer and doesnt respond within a day or so, he is playing games and I'd leave for good.

November 24, 2012

My ex and I have been together in every way except sex for the last 15 months - 3 months of real relationship, 15 months of being in a relationship but not being a couple which is amazing and hell at the same time - and this week he has gone from the usual 5-10 texts/emails a day to virtual silence. I know he is busy at work: he has sent me enough stuff to believe that, including a chain of emails from his mates, but I am still sitting here having not heard from him since 9am (unprecedented) and it has ruined my night out...

..... The silence thing SUCKS is my point. But I am not texting first and neither should you. I think if they are finally done then nothing we can say is going to change that, so silence is best. But god isn't this waiting torture???

Sorry, what do you mean 'in a relationship but not being a couple'? Did you break up but stay friends / FWB? If so, I think this is exactly why NC is so useful: you don't have 'the waiting torture' of wondering what they're doing and why they're not contacting you. If a friend of mine (a normal friend, not an ex) doesn't contact me for a whole day, it doesnt ruin my day, i just assume they're busy and get on with things.

The first months of NC are so, so hard, but otherwise you're in limbo - waiting.

November 24, 2012

So he sent me an email. Basically he stated that we should break up because I am so miserable in the relationship. Then he wished me all the best for the future.

At first I thought about not replying at all, but then I thought I should send him one last message as well. In it I mentioned some of the things he has done in the last few months that hurt me and why that made me feel like he did not love me anymore.

I also told him to not write back unless he is willing to change. And I wished him a happy life and all the best for the future in that case.

Sh-t, now the waiting starts and I know I will be checking my email every few minutes to see if he replies. Shouldn't have sent that email, but if I hadn't then maybe I would always think that there might have been a chance to salvage our relationship and I did not take it. Crap, either way I would have felt horrible. At least now I wil know, I guess.

November 24, 2012

'I'm nuts', I am not sure what you mean by "he was faking it". Faking what?

Faking the initial niceness, that's why I believe you need to give people a lot of time to get to know them properly and then the true colours will come out, as is the case we see here.

The guy has no backbone, he was nice to you first to impress you, get you in the sack, then once he was bored he withdrew and didn't even have the backbone to tell you with his mouth, what a chimp.

Really if you are apart from someone you call them everyday, today we are spoilt for choice with the tools we have disposable to us, it is free and easy to let someone know you are thinking of them, no excuses.

November 24, 2012

Sweetie, this guy is an ass. If he lives in or near Liverpool I'd be wondering if we had been seeing the same ass.

I wish you hadn't replied, but now that you have, don't do it again. *hugs* This guy is so not worthy of you, and you are worth SO much more.

I know it hurts. It hurts because we've invested so much of ourselves in potential and the thoughts of what could have been. But you're seeing who he REALLY is, and, like my ex, who he really is is someone not worthy of your time because he doesn't want to compromise. As all my friends had told me, he wants you on his terms only.

Never settle. I promise the hurting will go away in time.

November 24, 2012

He did not reply, but he changed his relationship status on facebook to 'single'. Wow, that hurts. Damn.

November 24, 2012

This guy is in his 30s and he uses facecrap to tell the world his relationship ship status

Spineless,immature, you should being having a party to celebrate your lucky escape.

November 24, 2012

I wish I did. Instead I sent him an email, practically begging him to give us another chance. Damn, I am such a pathetic loser. ****, ****, ****, I already know his answer is going to be no. If he replies at all. Why can't I just see this for what it is - a relationship that did not work out - and walk away?

November 24, 2012

So he sent me an email. Basically he stated that we should break up because I am so miserable in the relationship. Then he wished me all the best for the future.

Nice. Looks like he is putting all the blame on you. YOU were miserable so the right thing to do, for you, is break-up. I love how he took no responsibility for the breakup.

November 24, 2012

I wish I did. Instead I sent him an email, practically begging him to give us another chance. Damn, I am such a pathetic loser. ****, ****, ****, I already know his answer is going to be no. If he replies at all. Why can't I just see this for what it is - a relationship that did not work out - and walk away?

Don't beat yourself up. You really liked this guy. Shared good times while it lasted. When someone becomes a big part of your life, it's hard to just forget and let go. You miss them and what could've been. Yesterday, a man that I've been dating semi-long distance for a few months broke it off with me via text. We only dated a short time, so thankfully I was not too attached. But he was a decent guy and I got used to texting him throughout the day, so I miss him and what could've been. Hang in there. You'll meet someone else in due time. You'll likely continue to check his facebook for a while, but do what you have to do to move on. Put up a profile on a dating site. Call your girl friends to distract yourself. Someone said rejection is a good thing because it brings you closer to the person you're meant to be with. I think there's truth to that

November 24, 2012

I wish I did. Instead I sent him an email, practically begging him to give us another chance. Damn, I am such a pathetic loser. ****, ****, ****, I already know his answer is going to be no. If he replies at all. Why can't I just see this for what it is - a relationship that did not work out - and walk away?

You're not a loser.

You were honest and allowed yourself to be vulnerable - that's strength. Only the strongest folks do this regularly knowing they will be just fine at the end of it all

You will most certainly walk away when you accept and eventually embrace the fact that it didn't work out.

Edited November 24, 2012 by sweetheart5381

November 24, 2012

Thank you both, that is really sweet of you to say. I still feel bad about it, but on the other hand I think it is good that I put it all out there, as I will never have to ask myself what could have been.

But it still hurts like hell to know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. All I asked for was a little affection and some sign that he missed me and loved me. But I guess that was too much for him.

Why can't I see that and accept that we were not right for each other? I just really hope that I will see the truth soon and will be able to move on without suffering too long from a broken heart. And I also hope I will be able to handle this without sending out any more pleading and desperate emails. I just can't believe that it is over.

2 days ago was our 6-months anniversary and I was looking forward to it for weeks, picking out a gift for him and planning what I would tell him in the ecard I was gonna write. I never thought this would be the day we would break up. I wish I could turn back time 2 days and instead of saying what I did, I should have just been quiet and ignored him.

November 24, 2012

Thank you both, that is really sweet of you to say. I still feel bad about it, but on the other hand I think it is good that I put it all out there, as I will never have to ask myself what could have been.

But it still hurts like hell to know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. All I asked for was a little affection and some sign that he missed me and loved me. But I guess that was too much for him.

Why can't I see that and accept that we were not right for each other? I just really hope that I will see the truth soon and will be able to move on without suffering too long from a broken heart. And I also hope I will be able to handle this without sending out any more pleading and desperate emails. I just can't believe that it is over.

2 days ago was our 6-months anniversary and I was looking forward to it for weeks, picking out a gift for him and planning what I would tell him in the ecard I was gonna write. I never thought this would be the day we would break up. I wish I could turn back time 2 days and instead of saying what I did, I should have just been quiet and ignored him.

It really does take time to take it all in and let it settle.

You'll be fine. I know you will, because you took a big risk telling him how you really felt. You put it out there because you are willing to hear the answer, even if there isn't a reply. That takes courage.

Try not to emphasize dates, places, etc in your mind. At the end of the day, they really don't matter. I know it sounds silly, but divert your attention anywhere else but your emotions for the time being, baby steps. I have 3 kids and a dog and I have to continually divert their emotional attention, otherwise I would have no peace

November 25, 2012

So, he replied.

He sent me a long email in which he refers to all the points I mentioned in my earlier email. Mostly he says he knows he has failed, but he does not think he will change and obviously he can't give me what I need from him. Which is why it is better that we are no longer together. So he keeps reiterating the same point: I am not happy in the relationship, therefore we should not continue it.

Also, he says the issues might be caused by the distance between us, which makes a lot of sense because he has changed since I moved. Back then I asked him if he was sure he wanted to stay in a relationship and he said that "not seeing each other is not a deal-breaker" for him. I guess things have changed since then.

I have drafted a reply, but not sent it to him yet. In it I basically say that it is true, I was not happy because of his lack of affection and emotional distance, but that these are all issues that he could easily fix if he cared to. I also told him that I am going to let him go now and not fight anymore for his love or our relationship. He knows where I stand and if he decides he wants us back he knows where to find me. I also told him that in the meantime I will try to move on with my life and not wait for him to come back to me.

What do you think?

November 25, 2012

Don't reply. Honestly, don't. You've already asked for another chance and he's said no.

If he doesn't reply this time the waiting will drive you crazy and then you'll be miserable and if he replies and says no again it'll also make you miserable.

You've said your piece. He knows you want to get back together, he knows what the problems are and he isn't prepared to do anything about it. You've done all you can do. If you keep offering yourself to him you're just going to get mad at yourself again.

November 25, 2012

You are right. I see that. Staying strong and not replying is the hard part.

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He texts he wants to split up for a while - Should I reply?

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