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Yeah, you were right

paradigm shift

By paradigm shift
in Separation and Divorce

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

Posted
Posted

If he wasn't interested in the past few months, he certainly is going great guns now. H is seeing someone, has been for "a couple of weeks". Which means he lied when I asked him last week. How much has he lied? Don't know, don't want to know, it is a deal breaker for me, cuz I don't lie.

 

Found long brown hairs in his bathroom and he went to walk away and not answer (like he was mad at me???) WTF?? Remained calm, asked if he wanted divorce etc., he said we would talk tomorrow.

 

I am heartbroken..I would not lie to someone and all of you warned me and I said "Don;t be ridiculous..." Well, thank you all for warnings and am sad to see them come to fruition.

 

Although he maintains he has never "cheated" etc. up til now and separation, I guess I do not believe a single word out of his mouth.

 

PS

cheerfuldoer Member

cheerfuldoer

Posted
Posted

Dear PS,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Remember, you did nothing wrong. He is going to try to find reasons to be mad at you because he knows deep down he is wrong and he has to shift the blame.

 

If he could lie to you about something this big, then he has probably lied a lot about other things. You are smart to not believea word he says.

 

Best of luck with everything.

Cedarman Established Member

Cedarman

Posted
Posted

PS - Sorry for what you're going through. Being lied to by somebody you love is the worst feeling - so I know what you're going through.

 

The best advice is to realize that your spouse is living in a fantasyland, and is completely in the fog of an affair. There is really nothing you can do except try to take care of yourself. This is HIS problem, and eventually he will pay for it. There are very, very few affairs which have a happy ending for the disloyal spouse - that is the reality. But don't even worry about that. Get your life in order and focus on you. The one thing I have finally realized (with the help of IC) is that there is no point wasting your love and emotion on a person who is not prepared to give anything back. And the only solution is to try to move on, and when you're ready there are lots of good people out there who are seeking the same thing you are.

 

Of course, I say this knowing how tough it is. I am trying to move on myself but keep having setbacks. But the good news is: every setback is shorter and less painful. Eg - Last Thursday would have been my 25th Anniversary. I took my daughters out to a great restaurant and we had a great time - they were the only kids in the restaurant and it was a lot of fun - great food and great company. The next day, when my STBXW came to pick up my daughters, I stupidly asked and she told me that she went out clubbing with her toxic girlfriends. i.e. it seemed like a celebration of her "freedom". For some reason - that really bugged me and I was PO'd and a little depressed - but today, I am fine.

 

You're husband is a fool - and one day, his foolishness will probably catch up with him an he will regret squandering your love. But that might take years, or may never happen. Don't wait around to pick up the pieces.

 

In two or three years, you will look back at this and be thankful that it happened because emotionally you'll be in a much better place than you have been for the past few years.

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bvelvet Member

bvelvet

Posted
Posted
PS - Sorry for what you're going through. Being lied to by somebody you love is the worst feeling - so I know what you're going through.

 

The best advice is to realize that your spouse is living in a fantasyland, and is completely in the fog of an affair. There is really nothing you can do except try to take care of yourself. This is HIS problem, and eventually he will pay for it. There are very, very few affairs which have a happy ending for the disloyal spouse - that is the reality. But don't even worry about that. Get your life in order and focus on you. The one thing I have finally realized (with the help of IC) is that there is no point wasting your love and emotion on a person who is not prepared to give anything back. And the only solution is to try to move on, and when you're ready there are lots of good people out there who are seeking the same thing you are.

 

Of course, I say this knowing how tough it is. I am trying to move on myself but keep having setbacks. But the good news is: every setback is shorter and less painful. Eg - Last Thursday would have been my 25th Anniversary. I took my daughters out to a great restaurant and we had a great time - they were the only kids in the restaurant and it was a lot of fun - great food and great company. The next day, when my STBXW came to pick up my daughters, I stupidly asked and she told me that she went out clubbing with her toxic girlfriends. i.e. it seemed like a celebration of her "freedom". For some reason - that really bugged me and I was PO'd and a little depressed - but today, I am fine.

 

You're husband is a fool - and one day, his foolishness will probably catch up with him an he will regret squandering your love. But that might take years, or may never happen. Don't wait around to pick up the pieces.

 

In two or three years, you will look back at this and be thankful that it happened because emotionally you'll be in a much better place than you have been for the past few years.

 

I hope this is true. Going through something similar.

Cedarman Established Member

Cedarman

Posted
Posted
I hope this is true. Going through something similar.

 

I hope so too. I am pretty fresh at all of this too - so honestly just repeating what others have been telling me. But it definitely HAS gotten better for me - just in the past couple of weeks. It's still a rollercoaster, but the dips are shallower and the trendline is up.

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paradigm shift Established Member

paradigm shift

Posted
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Posted

Thanks everyone, thanks Cedarman. It is really hard some days and others are okay. Lying is very close to being a deal breaker for me, which, funnily enough, has allotted more power to me, in terms of not waiting around etc. Have taken a page from DB and am getting a life and doint the best I can every day. Reading loveless marriage on this board struck home, but my H never brought up the fact that he was so unhappy, I would have listened (or not, and then it would be my fault for not listening). I would have attended counseling, I would have done anything, but hindsight is easy :)

 

I cannot believe that heartbreak is also a physical feeling as well. I have good friends to help me through.

 

Thanks, and good luck to you Cedarman:)

Cedarman Established Member

Cedarman

Posted
Posted

I cannot believe that heartbreak is also a physical feeling as well. I have good friends to help me through.

 

Amazing, isn't it? It is a true physical pain. I experienced the exact same thing. But as people told me - it gets better - just rely upon your friends, family, and even boards like this to get through the first few weeks and it WILL get better.

 

I truly believe that you will look back at this in a couple of years and you will be thankful it happened. I believe this for myself too.

 

Best wishes.

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