Overcoming Commitmentphobia

[MontanaGirl]

In the several months, I've realized I am afraid of commitment, and I want to overcome it. I want to eventually get married and have a family, but I freak out whenever a guy starts getting really sweet around me. Even when I really like him. No, especially when I really like him. My friends call it my spider response (picture the "oh god get it off get it off get it off" move girls do when a spider lands on them). I get cold, numb, my stomach ties into knots, and blood starts pounding in my head.

 

I've been dating this really great guy for a little while. He's exactly what I'm looking for, I'm starting to really like him--a lot. He's independent and busy, and seems to move slower than most guys, which has helped keep me relaxed. But he is starting to say and do things that make it clear that he really likes me, too, and that's making me get a little anxious. For example, he just mentioned that he told his family about me, and that was enough to spark a minor panic. I literally had to stop and shut my eyes and breath for a while (thank goodness it was via text, not in person).

 

Has anyone read a book on overcoming fear of commitment that you've found particularly useful? Or have you done anything to help you get over your own fears? I seriously like this guy, and don't want to screw things up due to my stupid brain.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't have any good advice but I know how you feel. I remember when my ex asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him. We were at the restaurant eating dinner. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by fear. I felt nauseated, cold sweats, I couldn't eat a thing for the rest of the night. He had no idea why I was feeling sick. He assumed I was coming down with something and I went home early. In the next few weeks, I had this strong urge to just run away. The only way I was able to relax a little was to tell myself: "You can break up with him any day. Any moment in fact. Hang on till tomorrow". Eventually I relaxed a bit.

[amaysngrace]

I realized that I was afraid of letting someone get close to me because I didn't like myself very much. I was afraid to open up and let them know the real me because I was sure that if they did then they'd stop liking me. So I never let anyone get close.

 

But then I opened up and told him that and that made him like me more. And it made me like him more too because I shared my fears with him and he stayed with me.

[Weezy1973]

First step is to figure out why you're afraid of commitment. Were you raised in an environment where relationships don't last? Have you been hurt by past relationships? Are you afraid of commitment in other areas of your life (work, school, friends, family etc.)?

 

That being said, the way to overcome any fear is pretty much the same. Face whatever it is you fear regardless of how afraid you are of it. You can either do "baby steps" or go full force. Baby steps would be something like telling your friends and family about the guy. Full force would be planning a vacation together six months from now and buying the plane ticket. The only way to overcome a fear is to face it. In other words, if you want to overcome your fear of commitment you're going to have to commit. Accept that you are afraid. Fear is a normal human emotion; it doesn't have to affect your behavior. If you truly want a committed relationship you have to commit.

 

We don't have any control of our emotions (fear), but we can certainly control our behavior.

[todreaminblue]

Anxiety and i battle often I had a chance to date a nice guy but i didnt that was years ago....i got anxious scared but i had just come out of an acrimonius break up my kids werent ready for me to date i went off the rails there for a while........

 

 

the main issue of anxiety can have a crippling effect on all social interactions if you let it get hold of you....it does on m e, extreme shyness,feeling numb takes on a physical aspect because my fingertips go ice cold, blood drains from my face....and i start to pace, normally i feel threatened by someone or something..the threat i snot real it is just my perception at the time..fight or flight response, i am getting ready to go, so i find it extremely difficult to sit still or concentrate my body takes over

 

i only ever fight if there is no other way so my response is to get the hell out of there..flight every time...for some reason you have a fight or flight response going on with commitment.....is there trauma with being in a relationship for you?.....have you been close to someone before and been let down badly?....are your friends and family in loving committed relationships?

why is it you think you have a commitment issue or is it the nice guy factor like your friends think? Obviously not because you are on here asking if you believed them you wouldnt be.....have you had a serious relationship before? Ill try and help if you can answer some of those questions my anxiety however is not about commitment...its more me feeling insecure about people in general and most of the time now my fears are unfounded....not in my past though..i can share some of my strategies i have been taught....dont know if they would help unless you can work out what is the underlying concern that is making you anxious you need to battle with that concern to beat the anxiety...deb

[yongyong]

I don't want to judge american women by small numbers of women. But guys generally know 'when you start doing sweet sxits, it pushes them further'

Am I wrong if I have a mentality of 'I CAN't treat american girls nice'?

 

I am pretty sure a girl like that will talk about how she wants to be treated like a lady if she creates OLD profile. (I've never seen a girl saying 'don't treat me nice, I will freak out')

[MontanaGirl]

Thanks for your responses.

 

As for why I'm like this, I don't really know:

1) My mom and dad are divorced, but the divorce didn't drag either of my parents down too much. My mom is a very strong, independent woman, so maybe seeing her rockin' at her life without a man around made me subconsciously want to model my life after her? My dad is happily remarried. My brother and several of my close friends are married as well, and apparently very happy.

2) I've been madly in love twice. Both men were unavailable in different ways, though, so I think at some level it was "safe" to love them--I knew it'd never work out between us. They both broke my heart, but I blame those heartbreaks on my poor decisions, certainly not men in general. I'm not afraid of a new guy hurting me; only me hurting him.

3) I'm not afraid of commitment in any other facet of my life. I can commit to my career, my friends, my family, my pets, travel plans, etc. I am shy and introverted, and don't make friends as quickly as some people do, but it's not horrible.

4) A lot of my fear revolves around hurting the guy I'm with, if I do end up running away. Being afraid of hurting him makes me anxious, which makes me more likely to run away, which would cause me to hurt him, and I'm afraid of hurting him, so I get more anxious, which makes me want to run away, which would hurt him.... It's an idiotic cycle, and I get so annoyed at my brain for thinking this way.

 

Weezy, I think baby steps are the right choice for now. This relationship is new enough that making plans six months in advance could feel premature to anybody. I'm trying to tackle this phobia before things get too serious with him, because I really don't want to screw it up with him. My friends already know about him, although they haven't met him. I think I don't show them how excited I am about him though, so maybe showing that could be a good start. Telling my mom about him would be another major step, but one I can see doing--maybe when I'm visiting her over Christmas.

 

Todreaminblue, it's not disinterest/lack of attraction to nice guy, and my friends know that (sorry my first post was unclear). It's only when a man says or does something that indicates he wants to move closer to me that I get anxious. I was attracted to bad boys in my teens and early twenties, but those guys do nothing for me anymore. Anymore, I'm pretty much only attracted to normal, nerdy, mellow guys (the classic "nice guy").

[AMusing]

Have you seen someone close to you really devastated from a breakup? Broken up with a guy who really didn't take it well? I think it'd be helpful for you to remember that as long as you're kind when breaking up with someone (i.e., don't cheat, tell him via text, any of the other crappy things people can do to each other), he really will be ok. Just like you've probably been ok after a boyfriend dumped you, right?

 

Honestly my heart goes out to you OP. You sound sincere in your worries, and it seems like they come from a good place. Once you figure out WHY you are so afraid, it may help to talk to this new guy about it, like other posters have recommended. Or simply tell him you really need to move really slowly; it sounds like as long as the pace is slow enough for you, you can keep yourself calm and keep moving forward in the relationship.

[mickleb]

Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol are the expert authors on this subject. I'd definitely recommend you read something by them.

 

There is a lot of good, practical advice in this thread, though. I would suggest telling this guy - he sounds nice and deserves to know. This will also take some of the cause of the anxiety away from you. If he knows you struggle with this and CHOOSES to continue to see how it goes, you can't be entirely responsible for hurting his feelings if it all goes tits up.

 

We all have choices in life. Always. Everyone in every situation. You can choose to repeat old patterns but, because you are here, I think you know this won't make you happy. So, you can choose to take control of your emotions. It sounds like you've got the ideal situation in which to begin. You describe this guy as 'independent'. If this is the case, he'll get over you without too much trouble, right? Believe me, it will be much more damaging if you end up doing a runner without owning your share of this. That is the stuff that causes pain. Trying to understand what we did wrong.

 

So, pop on the big girl pants and learn how to trust; in others and yourself. Give him the opportunity to choose whether he wants another date with you. Whether he can trust he'll be okay, just in case you do what you fear you might do. I'm sure, together, you can - if not get married and have beautiful babies - make some progress together. And remember that he is an adult - he will survive. You are not talking about creating new life at the moment. If you get to the stage where you're thinking about having kids - THEN you can start getting the jitters. That IS a big deal. But for now, accept you have an issue that needs working on and ask the person you most need to ask for help: him.

Edited November 25, 2012 by mickleb
missing verb :o