newborn25 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Hi everyone, I been dating this lovely lady and recently we just got together. She was rather hesitant initially as she has a few bad relationships before and was single for around 6 mths, enjoying her freedom and dating around casually. We got together after 3 mths of dating but it was not without its problems. She was afraid to commit initially as she was worried I will be like her exes. She wants stability and security in her next relationship, something which her previous exbfs were not able to provide for. So after 3 mths, I was tired and asked where were we going. She said previously she needed time to get use to someone and after all this time, I have already become part of her life. I was a bit concerned whether is she just 'getting used' to me or did she really like me? I confronted her that maybe she just like me as a good friend and we should remain as that but she said she like me more than that. However, after getting together, I realized that she does not really open up to me and sometimes act in a rather reserved manner and not very comfortable with getting intimate. She keep a lot of her thoughts and concerns to herself and that makes me worry about her. Even her parents commented that she likes to keep things to herself. I been trying to think of ways which I can get her to open up and be more comfortable around me. Its a bit tiring when I do not know what she is thinking and it upsets me when I see her sad sometimes. Could it be due to her past experiences, since I am quite sure she didn't behave in this way with her previous exbfs. It makes me feel that I am doing a rather bad job as a boyfriend too. I am wondering whether are there any solutions to get her to open up more or am I just getting too impatient? I feel the need for a deeper emotional connection though, and not just being there through the good times but not the bad. Sometimes I still feel more like a good friend rather than a lover. Can previous experiences really scar a person so much, that they are afraid of getting hurt again? Hmmm ....
arezidue Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 You hit it right on the nail. Patience is a virtue. She has her guard up, but you can't blame her becuase of her past relationships. It sounds to me like she is just trying to protect her heart. In due time, she will open up. I would do little things that would make her trust you more, show her that you are different and watch that shell crack open a little bit. 1
SayonaraItsuka Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Just give her time, man. You have to prove to her that she doesn't have to be scared and that she could open up to you. Be there for her for now. It's not easy for somebody to become intimate after a few bad encounters. 1
Author newborn25 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Thanks all for the replies =) I have actually been patient over that past 3 mths when I was dating her, not rushing her and letting her take her time, so much that my friends were saying I may have been taken for a ride. I am a successful professional and hence my friends were worried that she is just making use of me for status/ money but I trusted my gut feelings and persisted with her even though most of my friends advised otherwise. Sometimes I feel I am the one giving most of the time but she has contribute to the relationship in her own way, just not what I expected eg. intimacy/ emotional investment/ being really comfortable I can definitely see her opening up to me slowly. Her friends and family like me. But I guessed this is the first time that someone has taken so long to open up to me. Any suggestions on what can I do to gain her trust? I feel like loving her wholeheartedly but there seems to be a barrier :S
RhapsodyinBlue Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 I know you two had a conversation about the progression of your relationship, but have you expressed to her how tiring it is? I don't know the extent of your relationship and I would never tell you to leave her or say that she's not worth your time. But do understand in relationships there must be some compromises. If you go through great lengths to try to gain her trust, there's a chance she may solely see you for what you do and not who you are. I suggest you stick around if you think it's worth it, but don't tire your own self out by overextending yourself. I understand she has been hurt but she also has to be accountable for letting her guard down. 1
Author newborn25 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 I know you two had a conversation about the progression of your relationship, but have you expressed to her how tiring it is? I don't know the extent of your relationship and I would never tell you to leave her or say that she's not worth your time. But do understand in relationships there must be some compromises. If you go through great lengths to try to gain her trust, there's a chance she may solely see you for what you do and not who you are. I suggest you stick around if you think it's worth it, but don't tire your own self out by overextending yourself. I understand she has been hurt but she also has to be accountable for letting her guard down. Thank you RhapsodyinBlue, somehow I feel you hit it right on the spot. I am worried that she really doesn't see me for who I am but I feel she is still worth it for me to stick around a bit longer. She told me that she doesn't want a boyfriend that is too controlling of her freedom. I totally understand that and I give her all the room she needs. Somehow, I am worried and I start to doubt myself that I may have become a bit more possessive and insecure, and this is the first time I am feeling this way. And I always thought that the few mths of a relationship should be very sweet =(
Author newborn25 Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Hi friends, It has been one month since me and my gf got together. Things have improved slightly, but not as much as I want. She has started opening up to me more but still, something still bugs me. To be honest, I am now starting to doubt whether I am her Mr. Right. I have a feeling that she is just taking it a day at a time but I have no idea what is she waiting/ observing for. I can't seem to figure out what is on her mind with regards to both of us and what her insecurities are. Just have the feeling that maybe she's not in love with me ... but how do I get her to be honest with herself ? I don't feel like dragging this for too long ...
Balzac Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 You cannot fix "emotionally unavailable". She reports to you that it's a prior romance gone wrong. I suggest she was emotionally unavailable years prior. There is no quick fix. Cut your losses and move on.
todreaminblue Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Hi everyone, I been dating this lovely lady and recently we just got together. She was rather hesitant initially as she has a few bad relationships before and was single for around 6 mths, enjoying her freedom and dating around casually. We got together after 3 mths of dating but it was not without its problems. She was afraid to commit initially as she was worried I will be like her exes. She wants stability and security in her next relationship, something which her previous exbfs were not able to provide for. So after 3 mths, I was tired and asked where were we going. She said previously she needed time to get use to someone and after all this time, I have already become part of her life. I was a bit concerned whether is she just 'getting used' to me or did she really like me? I confronted her that maybe she just like me as a good friend and we should remain as that but she said she like me more than that. However, after getting together, I realized that she does not really open up to me and sometimes act in a rather reserved manner and not very comfortable with getting intimate. She keep a lot of her thoughts and concerns to herself and that makes me worry about her. Even her parents commented that she likes to keep things to herself. I been trying to think of ways which I can get her to open up and be more comfortable around me. Its a bit tiring when I do not know what she is thinking and it upsets me when I see her sad sometimes. Could it be due to her past experiences, since I am quite sure she didn't behave in this way with her previous exbfs. It makes me feel that I am doing a rather bad job as a boyfriend too. I am wondering whether are there any solutions to get her to open up more or am I just getting too impatient? I feel the need for a deeper emotional connection though, and not just being there through the good times but not the bad. Sometimes I still feel more like a good friend rather than a lover. Can previous experiences really scar a person so much, that they are afraid of getting hurt again? Hmmm .... yes they can.....i was in a long term relationship fifteen years and there are things i never told him i didnt want to put soemoen on a downer...so i didnt tell......a lot of it when they say protection goes both ways some women prtect the other from knowing things because they just dotn do any good to know....butin saying that you know something....i want to feel able to tell someone everythign and know even thought its gonna suck to hear...he wont look at me differently.....or feel bad for me...but just be there for me an dunderstand when my eyes change from smiles to sadness, there nothing he can do other than to just be there....i would appreciate that......things happen in life you just cant make better..... but when you know that person is there regardless if you tell them or not tell them...they still stick around not knowing yoru every mood.....thats trust and to me thats love......you cant know everything about someone or fix them ...only god can...someone who is like that who accepts soem things are for god to know..... thats what i want from a guy......maybe your woman just wants you to there to hold when it gets tough going..let her cry ...by hootie and the blowfish has some haunting lyrics sometimes you have to let it go for the relationship to continue...and just be there...i actually besides family have not had a guy i can just be with when i cry...i have always had to go somewhere else.........deb
Author newborn25 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 You cannot fix "emotionally unavailable". She reports to you that it's a prior romance gone wrong. I suggest she was emotionally unavailable years prior. There is no quick fix. Cut your losses and move on. She had actually broken up earlier this year around april/ may and I suspect that the reason for her current behavior is that she still cannot let go of her exbf. It was she who suggested the breakup - she finds that the ex is a nice guy but is someone who she can't depend on for her future.
newmoon Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 it sounds like she's just protecting her heart because of her most recent break-up. and 3 months isn't sufficient time for someone to move beyond that and open up again. i've taken years :-) it depends on how serious the relationship was and how she felt within it. it's a positive for you though, if you can be more patient with her. someone who is that guarded with emotions obviously takes them very seriously and will (likely) not be the type to mess with you or the relationship. that's a bonus. you cannot do exercises with her that encourage trust or hope for more than she's willing to give. just let the relationship continue to unfold and as long as you're treating her right it'll happen and she'll start to trust more and share more; it's difficult to be vulnerable, so be patient! this kind of stuff can't be hurried along :-) 1
Author newborn25 Posted December 21, 2012 Author Posted December 21, 2012 it sounds like she's just protecting her heart because of her most recent break-up. and 3 months isn't sufficient time for someone to move beyond that and open up again. i've taken years :-) it depends on how serious the relationship was and how she felt within it. it's a positive for you though, if you can be more patient with her. someone who is that guarded with emotions obviously takes them very seriously and will (likely) not be the type to mess with you or the relationship. that's a bonus. you cannot do exercises with her that encourage trust or hope for more than she's willing to give. just let the relationship continue to unfold and as long as you're treating her right it'll happen and she'll start to trust more and share more; it's difficult to be vulnerable, so be patient! this kind of stuff can't be hurried along :-) I had a heart to heart talk with her just earlier in the week and it seems that she is still quite guarded/ wary on how the relationship turned out. She told me she does not want to have any expectations :s I know I may appear to be impatient but this is the first time I am in a relationship with a girl of this mentality. Sometimes I am at a loss of how to handle things. She seems to be very serious in the relationship, introducing me to her family and making me a priority in her life but when we hang out, sometimes it feels that she is distant and always has something at the back of her mind. Most of my friends have been tell me to not rush things and be patient. Hmm but I am worried that she only likes me as a friend but not a lover and perhaps she is using the time to see whether can she eventually fall in love with me.
newmoon Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 perhaps this would be a good time for you to offer up some type of exclusivity talk if you haven't already? let her know that you want it to be just her/you for a long time. that might make you feel more secure - it sounds like you're suffering from a bit of insecurity in regards to how she feels. perhaps asking her to make some type of verbal commitment to you might make you feel like she's interested in more than just a friendly way? i don't really think you have too much of a problem here, except that she isn't displaying her affection/attention in the way(s) you want/need and on your timeline
CptSaveAho Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 Read what you posted in this thread, you answered all your questions... She's essentially dating the image of you and not "you" She's not emotionally available, end it or you are going to be taken for a ride
todreaminblue Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I been dating this lovely lady and recently we just got together. She was rather hesitant initially as she has a few bad relationships before and was single for around 6 mths, enjoying her freedom and dating around casually. We got together after 3 mths of dating but it was not without its problems. She was afraid to commit initially as she was worried I will be like her exes. She wants stability and security in her next relationship, something which her previous exbfs were not able to provide for. So after 3 mths, I was tired and asked where were we going. She said previously she needed time to get use to someone and after all this time, I have already become part of her life. I was a bit concerned whether is she just 'getting used' to me or did she really like me? I confronted her that maybe she just like me as a good friend and we should remain as that but she said she like me more than that. However, after getting together, I realized that she does not really open up to me and sometimes act in a rather reserved manner and not very comfortable with getting intimate. She keep a lot of her thoughts and concerns to herself and that makes me worry about her. Even her parents commented that she likes to keep things to herself. I been trying to think of ways which I can get her to open up and be more comfortable around me. Its a bit tiring when I do not know what she is thinking and it upsets me when I see her sad sometimes. Could it be due to her past experiences, since I am quite sure she didn't behave in this way with her previous exbfs. It makes me feel that I am doing a rather bad job as a boyfriend too. I am wondering whether are there any solutions to get her to open up more or am I just getting too impatient? I feel the need for a deeper emotional connection though, and not just being there through the good times but not the bad. Sometimes I still feel more like a good friend rather than a lover. Can previous experiences really scar a person so much, that they are afraid of getting hurt again? Hmmm .... i agree with the first poster it does take time and patience is a virtue..... 3 months is not long......it probably is due to history.....and there is nothing that can make her secure except consistency from you...if a woman is sad sometimes a man cant cheer her up its not being a bad boyfriend if you cant.....Most people get sad not everybody is happy all the time and maybe it is something that just happened, or a memory or the past that makes a person sad....really its an emotion that will be replaced when it is dealt with and accepted...........Any kind of traumatic event can make you have fear of a repeat....sometimes or most of the time that fear is unfounded and you move on.....you have to let her just be.......therapy helps....i should absolutely be the last one to believe in commitment and men being able to be faithful......seen the worst....but in that seeing the worst in men its given me an education on seeing the best in men and recognizing pretty early ...she chose you and obviously she has chosen a caring boyfriend bad experiences give you perspective on what is good and true...give her time to settle in have patience...and when i get "used to a guy in a relationship it isnt friendly...well i am friendly......but my feelings are not friendly....sort of...and then again///you know what i mean..i f i open up to guy eventually and i feel comfortable i am in it for other than friendship because only then can i truly be intimate and close....and i have no fear of getting there its just a process.......i have more fear he will be the one who wont handle me being close or handle what i say or tell...hence my singularity..your girlfriend is adjusting to you. a good guy that she hasnt had before, so give her the time she needs, a good guy would and should do that..........deb Edited December 21, 2012 by todreaminblue
Radu Posted December 21, 2012 Posted December 21, 2012 I know through what your gf is going. I'm an introvert and i also had a string of relationships with very bad women. All i can say is that it is not your duty to save this girl. You cannot fix this girl unless she herself wants to be fixed [and she doesn't want that yet]. End the relationship now, and let her find her own way. And hopefully, realise that you have a problem too ... you are not 'captain save-a-ho' to put it blindly and your desire to be the knight in shining armor will get you trouble later on when you meet a woman that baits men this way. 1
Author newborn25 Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Hi friends, I had a talk again with her on xmas eve again. Hmm turns out we do find that we have some communication issues as well. After we got together, it seems that we were not able to communicate as before, as a result, she's starting to become more withdrawn. It appears to be a vicious cycle, the more she don't talk, the more close up she appears to be me, the less I will talk.
Author newborn25 Posted December 26, 2012 Author Posted December 26, 2012 Hi friends, I had a talk again with her on xmas eve again. Hmm turns out we do find that we have some communication issues as well. After we got together, it seems that we were not able to communicate as before, as a result, she's starting to become more withdrawn. It appears to be a vicious cycle, the more she don't talk, the more close up she appears to be me, the less I will talk. I have seriously given it some thought to the relationship and I think I will end it before the new year. On one side, she is not able to forget her previous relationship/ exbf and on the hand, our communication, perhaps due to her closed heart, is quite terrible. She tends to get attracted to guys who can talk well/ sweet-talk but unfortunately I am not one of them.
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