Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Thank you for reading this, whomever you are. I've just now realized that the last two girlfriends that I've had cheated on me during our relationships... my last two consecutive relationships. I loved them each more than I could have thought possible, and yet, they were each unfaithful. My question is this: how do I ever trust again? My thoughts now consist of this: do I just approach all future relationships with the thinking that I will not allow myself to become emotionally involved? So that I won't care if they cheat? Monogamy is for me not up to negotiation. Do I just take my future relationships, with a grain of salt, and just drop every woman who at all offers me the slightest suspicion immediately? So what I am saying is, drop them the very second that I think they have been the least bit trustworthy, and in the end, trust no one? Is that even a sustainable idea? I have not confronted my recent ex about the evidence. I don't see it as a situation where I could win anything via confrontation other than my own personal ego boost for ripping her lies to shreds. The last girlfriend I did confront (and she of course lied), but this most recent girl, well, I took her virginity, and I'd always felt an emotional disconnect from her end... regardless... the thought that I will somehow punish future women with my distrust seems like an unfair thing to put these perhaps quality relationships in jeopardy over my own baggage is also reason for a lack of hope for future relationships. I love women, I've been a faithful man in all but one relationship, and yet, I'm scared, deeply, that I may be damaged goods forever. How do I grow from this wreckage?
volentia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 painful. was there anything you did that made it easy for them to decieve you? what i have learned is that trust is not an all or nothing state...it must be earned. 1
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Maybe I made it easy for them to deceive me. The earlier women cheated with her ex, whom she was also friends with, and the later and most recent GF went on a trip to the midwest with her ex... one week after she had lost her virginity to me... she spent a 4 day vacation with the guy in a hotel room... alone... he was also her ex, and her first boyfriend. She left for that trip explaining that it was a trip meant for a mutual friends wedding (mutual between her and her ex). I trusted her, and recently, I received an e-mail between her and her ex forwarded to me by a friend of hers who lives in California. I should have broken it off with her when she told me she was going to go on that trip, but instead I chose to trust her, wrongly. In the e-mail between the two of them, it remains clear that she was not being honest with me. Here is their e-mail between eachother: Hey there. I feel like I should start this off by apologizing. Im sorry. I have been such a bad friend and out of touch with you. I'm sorry I didnt contact you first thing after "Sandy" to see how you and your family all are. Bad bad bad. I have been thinking of you all over on the East Coast but I am too wrapped up in my West Coast drama. I also wanted to say Thank you for sending my letters from Peace Corps. It was very nice and thoughtful of you to do that for me. It made me feel a little bad though like you wanted to get rid of that part of your life. I cant blame you I havent treated you very kindly. I have been all around not nice. I really want to apologize for the Minnesota trip. Im sorry for not being upfront about having a boyfriend and talking about that beforehand. Im sorry if I was weird on the trip. You deserved more from me as a long time friend. I have acted terribly and regret not being upfront about things. I tend to do that and I am working on better communication. We did have a relationship, however strange it was, with our lack of communication and distance. I did have feelings for you and I think you know that. Im sorry if I hurt you. I just handled the whole Minnesota thing really immaturely and you deserved better than that and more from me. I feel that in not talking about things i treated you badly. I just didnt know what to say or how to say it. More importantly I feel like our friendship has been affected by this. I never wanted that to happen. I miss talking to you. You were a big part of my life for quite a while. Sorry. Well that was long over due. Hope everything is going well for you and that you and your peeps are safe and sound. Peace "GIRL" Hey, I appreciate you reaching out... To be honest... I did think you were treating me pretty poorly... but I am glad you reached out. I wasn't upset that you had a boyfriend, in fact I was happy for you. But, I did feel like you could have handled telling me a little better. I only say that because my biggest concern when feelings started to grow between us, was how our relationship would affect the team. At the time, I felt like you weren’t really thinking about me or the team when you chose to do it that way... but honestly... I forgave you for that a long time ago. I figured you didn’t know how to handle it... and in time, I didn’t take it personally. I sent you the letters because it was always my intention to give them to you in the first place. I have been "cleaning house" and really it has been helping me to move forward in all ways of my life. I am in a much better place now than I was on our trip. But just know... I would never try to forget you... or that time of my life. I'm sorry to hear that you are having west coast drama. I hope that it all passes soon. Sandy was pretty bad... My entire family has been without power and most just got it back yesterday. Luckily, everyone is alive and with the exception of my one cousins, no one really lost anything. The storm did a lot of damage... to be honest... my family is very lucky, compared to most. We are all grateful. Regardless of everything. I appreciate you writing me and I appreciated your birthday card. No matter what, we will always be blue one and I don’t want that ever to be compromised. You mentioned missing talking to me. I hope you don’t think that I wouldn’t want to talk to you. Anyway... take good care, "BOY" -After reading this, I knew immediately that their trip was not platonic, and I knew I had been so ridiculously stupid.
volentia Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 sounds like these girls got involved with you while harbouring some unfinished business with their past lovers. a thing to watch for in the future? its now time to tighten your boundries. 1
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 For me, when it comes to boundary tightening, I think that will mean that I will in the future not become emotionally attached to anyone, and drop them the very second that I feel the least bit of doubt. I guess that I will have to become cold with women, not feeling anything until they have proven over the long term that they are worth my trust. Like my boundaries will mean that I leave the in the exact second that I feel threatened.
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 What hurts the most, is that with this last relationship I tried trusting, that I wanted to trust, and that in the end, I paid for it with a broken heart. She told me that she had told him about our relationship before she even left, yet in the email we can see that this is not the case, that he did not know she was with another man, and had not told him about our relationship. None of that matters now. Confronting her now seems like a completely useless waste, as, the relationship is over. Now I feel like I must become something that I am not, cold, distant, rigid. The learning curve has been a steep one, but I cannot see another way.
volentia Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 For me, when it comes to boundary tightening, I think that will mean that I will in the future not become emotionally attached to anyone, and drop them the very second that I feel the least bit of doubt. I guess that I will have to become cold with women, not feeling anything until they have proven over the long term that they are worth my trust. Like my boundaries will mean that I leave the in the exact second that I feel threatened. thats the spirit. ...attachment will grow naturally when you feel like your trust has been earned. one of your values has been met and you feel secure. and yes go with your intuition all the way...never doubt your perceptions. you've got the experience now, when it comes to girls ex'es its a no no full stop.
volentia Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 What hurts the most, is that with this last relationship I tried trusting, that I wanted to trust, and that in the end, I paid for it with a broken heart. She told me that she had told him about our relationship before she even left, yet in the email we can see that this is not the case, that he did not know she was with another man, and had not told him about our relationship. None of that matters now. Confronting her now seems like a completely useless waste, as, the relationship is over. Now I feel like I must become something that I am not, cold, distant, rigid. The learning curve has been a steep one, but I cannot see another way. emotionally detatched yes, but not rigid, you want to be in a place thats sends the message that seems open, but you wont be f***** over, middle ground. find the balance. good luck 1
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Volentia, so you agree, from here on out, I run on intuition, and drop anyone that makes me feel that least bit threatened, no questions asked? No trust for anyone, and make them earn it, no attachment, just make them work for my attention? Don't give a crap what they may say, roll only with how I feel about it?
volentia Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 hold on.... the issues you are talking about is dishonesty and infidelity. you cannot just stop trusting everyone you can trust others in other areas, . thats why i said trust is not an all or nothing state, we can lend our trust that a girl will pay us back on time, when we lend them money say, but not stay out with ex boyfriends, because its a hot button for you. if they cant accept that line, then they are not respecting your boundries. you have discovered that 2 women have lied not one but two. if you smell a rat, run....and if they have nothing to hide, let them prove it:D balls in your court then hehe best off keeping the initiative i say( but dont let the women know that)
Phoe Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 every boyfriend I've ever had cheated on me. I don't have trust issues from it, more like I'm hyper-aware of what those red flags are to look out for. I've gotten smarter from those experiences, and am now better able to cope with it when it does happen. I'm actually TOO trusting. I give my boyfriends quite a bit of freedom, and don't have jealousy issues, and people often tell me I need to be more strict in order to get respect, but the way I see it... the guy who's right for me will appreciate the freedom he gets and choose to respect me FOR it, and not abuse my trust. So when someone cheats on me it doesn't hurt my ability to trust, it just shows that they are not the right choice for me.
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