Troubled1 Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I have been dateing a wonderful guy, affectionate, kind, ect for the past year and a half. (since April of 2011) The only problem is, he is 40 years old and has a history of cheating, and he does things that make me jealous. Some examples. -in October of 2011, I found long hair in the bed that was not mine, along with a airbrush. He has short military hair and no use for a hairbrush. He said it was his ex's from a long time ago. I don't belive him. We broke up for a short period. -in Februrary 2012 we got engaged. 3 days later he was checking his email in front of me and something from a dateing website poped up. He deleted it before I could look at it. I went to work, we got in a fight via text messaging. Later on I got home and he told me that he had nothing to hide, to look through his email. (after he had over 8 hours to delete anything incriminating). After he went to work I couldn't help myself and I looked. There was nothing from when he and I became exclusive, BUT I found that he had been engaged to another woman previously, and had been trolling dateing websites, CL, ect and cheating on HER with multiple women, all when they were supposed to be engaged. All the while talking about how much he lved her, planning the wedding, ect. This scares the crap out of me. - in May of 2012 he drove from San Diego to Ls Angeles to have lunch with his ex girlfriend & catch up, he ended up spending the night there, not returning back to base until 3 pm the next day. His excuse was it just got too late. -Thanksgiving, he s supposed to fly up to visit his children for a few days. I am ok with this. The day before he leaves he tells me that in order to save $ he is sleeping on his ex wifes couch instead of a hotel. This bugs me, but not enough to protest. THEN he starts trying on different outfits, asking if he looks allright in this outfit or that outfit, blah blah blah. This bothers me a lot because he normally looks neat and put together, but s not obsessive like ths. Why the **** does he care so much what he looks like unless he is trying to impress someone? The really bad part about this is every time I loose a little trust in him, I feel less and less like being intimate with him. We used to be intimate about 4x a week, after the hair in the bed, 2x a week, after the finding out that he had cheated majorly with his ex fiancee then his spending the night at his ex girlfriends, I just don't even want to sleep with him anymore. Now he is spending Thanksgiving at his ex wifes house but highly concerned with what he wears. I just don't know if I can ever find him physically attractive again. He is a VERY handsome man, but I just have difficulty being intimate with him because I don't know where he has been. I love him dearly and he is my best friend, I want to cuddle with him, but I just don't want to have sex with him anymore, because Im jealous, and I know this is going to cause a downward spiral. Should I try to fix this or should I walk away? I love him, but I get really jealous every few months and I feel like I have reason to be jealous. He is close to perfect except for this. What are your thoughts? Can I save this? Should I even bother?
GSB81 Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I'm very sorry you're going through this. I'm a bit of a jealous guy myself, but ONLY when I feel I have good reason from a real threat. And thats exactly what it sounds like you have, a good reason. Why is he visiting an ex? How would he react to you spending the night with an old flame? It will hurt, but I'd walk away now. Walking away will hurt much less than being cheated on.
2sunny Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Trust is earned...and there's no R without it. I personally wouldn't trust him. I'd say so long without looking back. He's got multiple irons in his fire - which wouldn't be acceptable to me feeling like his priority.
Author Troubled1 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 . Why is he visiting an ex? on. He is technically visiting his kids, but origionally was going to get a hotel room. Then he said that in order to save $ he was going to stay on his ex's couch. ( he has a good job and can afford a hotel ) Then he starts talking about how the ex has been having seizures ( first time I have ever heard of it was yesterday) and asked him to stay. (her parents live nearby, and up until a month ago she had lived with her parents- long story, but she's kind of a **** up, unless he is lying to me about her problems). I am all for him seeing his kids, but, when he tries on multiple outfits in front of the mirror and takes all this extra care with his appearance, it makes me very suspicious.
GSB81 Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 He is technically visiting his kids, but origionally was going to get a hotel room. Then he said that in order to save $ he was going to stay on his ex's couch. ( he has a good job and can afford a hotel ) Then he starts talking about how the ex has been having seizures ( first time I have ever heard of it was yesterday) and asked him to stay. (her parents live nearby, and up until a month ago she had lived with her parents- long story, but she's kind of a **** up, unless he is lying to me about her problems). I am all for him seeing his kids, but, when he tries on multiple outfits in front of the mirror and takes all this extra care with his appearance, it makes me very suspicious. I was referring to the lunch date from May 2012. I just don't trust someone who has to keep up with an ex, unless it involves kids.
skywriter Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 I have been dateing a wonderful guy, affectionate, kind, ect for the past year and a half. (since April of 2011) The only problem is, he is 40 years old and has a history of cheating, and he does things that make me jealous. Some examples. -in October of 2011, I found long hair in the bed that was not mine, along with a airbrush. He has short military hair and no use for a hairbrush. He said it was his ex's from a long time ago. I don't belive him. We broke up for a short period. -in Februrary 2012 we got engaged. 3 days later he was checking his email in front of me and something from a dateing website poped up. He deleted it before I could look at it. I went to work, we got in a fight via text messaging. Later on I got home and he told me that he had nothing to hide, to look through his email. (after he had over 8 hours to delete anything incriminating). After he went to work I couldn't help myself and I looked. There was nothing from when he and I became exclusive, BUT I found that he had been engaged to another woman previously, and had been trolling dateing websites, CL, ect and cheating on HER with multiple women, all when they were supposed to be engaged. All the while talking about how much he lved her, planning the wedding, ect. This scares the crap out of me. - in May of 2012 he drove from San Diego to Ls Angeles to have lunch with his ex girlfriend & catch up, he ended up spending the night there, not returning back to base until 3 pm the next day. His excuse was it just got too late. -Thanksgiving, he s supposed to fly up to visit his children for a few days. I am ok with this. The day before he leaves he tells me that in order to save $ he is sleeping on his ex wifes couch instead of a hotel. This bugs me, but not enough to protest. THEN he starts trying on different outfits, asking if he looks allright in this outfit or that outfit, blah blah blah. This bothers me a lot because he normally looks neat and put together, but s not obsessive like ths. Why the **** does he care so much what he looks like unless he is trying to impress someone? The really bad part about this is every time I loose a little trust in him, I feel less and less like being intimate with him. We used to be intimate about 4x a week, after the hair in the bed, 2x a week, after the finding out that he had cheated majorly with his ex fiancee then his spending the night at his ex girlfriends, I just don't even want to sleep with him anymore. Now he is spending Thanksgiving at his ex wifes house but highly concerned with what he wears. I just don't know if I can ever find him physically attractive again. He is a VERY handsome man, but I just have difficulty being intimate with him because I don't know where he has been. I love him dearly and he is my best friend, I want to cuddle with him, but I just don't want to have sex with him anymore, because Im jealous, and I know this is going to cause a downward spiral. Should I try to fix this or should I walk away? I love him, but I get really jealous every few months and I feel like I have reason to be jealous. He is close to perfect except for this. What are your thoughts? Can I save this? Should I even bother? I would say you are suspicious , moreso than jealous. He does have shady behavior. It sounds like you already knew he had a history of cheating. He's in his forties, so he's pretty much who he's gonna be in the future.Don't count on any dramatic changes in the future. He'll just be more careful, lie a bit more convincing, make you feel you are not understanding or didn't listen well. Just the idea that you are being jealous is a good example of how it's being turned around on you and not his issue. Who spends Thanksgiving with their exW? The fact that he would not spend it with his new girlfriend is a huge red flag. Having children is no excuse either, she could have them part of the day and he the other. There are ways to deal with that if you want to. His exW having seizures are a cop out, because what's she doing about it when he isn't there to stay the night. There's alot of BS in that post. You need to toughen up and not let him play you.
KathyM Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 Don't bother trying to save the relationship. He has shown you who he is by his past behavior and his current behavior. Why would you want that? Don't kid yourself that he is somehow going to be different with you. He won't be. Staying with a cheater will only cause you to be insecure about yourself and your relationship, and that is no way to live, in a constant state of insecurity and mistrust. 1
stillafool Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 It's clear who he is and you know you are dealing with a cheater. What you need to be concerned with is why you continue to hold on to him. Free yourself of him and his cheating.
Author Troubled1 Posted November 23, 2012 Author Posted November 23, 2012 Who spends Thanksgiving with their exW? The fact that he would not spend it with his new girlfriend is a His exW having seizures are a cop out, because what's she doing about it when he isn't there to stay the night. There's alot of BS in that post. You need to toughen up and not let him play you. thanksgiving & xmass are holidays with long weekends, so one of the few times he can fly to see his children. He owes me a little bit of $$ ($700) the engagement ring cost him 750. (Two days salary for him) Should I keep it or give it back?
2sunny Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 thanksgiving & xmass are holidays with long weekends, so one of the few times he can fly to see his children. He owes me a little bit of $$ ($700) the engagement ring cost him 750. (Two days salary for him) Should I keep it or give it back? Forget the money he owes. Keep the ring and its all an even wash. Have you told him yet that it's over?
Author Troubled1 Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 Forget the money he owes. Keep the ring and its all an even wash. Have you told him yet that it's over? No. I want to save for 1-2 more weeks.
2sunny Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 No. I want to save for 1-2 more weeks. What exactly does that mean?
Author Troubled1 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 What exactly does that mean? Finamcially, I COULD leave now but it would be cutting it very close. But if I save for 1-2 more weeks I could get my next place set up, and be better off financially.
Author Troubled1 Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks everyone. I finally told him last night. I was the only one crying. His main concern? That $ would be "tight" after I left. Like a dumbass I got talked into agreeing to send him $200/month until the lease is up in June. I don't know why I agreed, he makes about 5000/month, pays 700 alimony to an ex, HAS to pay 750/month for his son, and has a daighter who turned 18 this month. So he makes 3500 takehome, has no bills except for rent (1000 for everything- electric, internet, ect) phone, and gas, car insurance. I think if he cut back a little he could easily afford everything. I make less than him. Should I tell him I did the math and realized he CAN make it without me so too bad? The apartment is in his name only, he chose it, even though we were having trouble and I to,d him to get one he could afford without me 6 months ago when he signed the lease. 1
pteromom Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I make less than him. Should I tell him I did the math and realized he CAN make it without me so too bad? The apartment is in his name only, he chose it, even though we were having trouble and I to,d him to get one he could afford without me 6 months ago when he signed the lease. Yes. You are breaking up with him. It's his apartment. It's his obligation, not yours. Tell him you reconsidered, and you will not be sending him $200 a month. If it's tight, he can cut back on non-essentials. Again - it's his responsibility, not yours. You have to go make a new life on your own now, and you need your money. Glad you left him though - it's obvious he's a cheater, and it's really a good thing you didn't marry him! 1
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