6 Years of her idolizing me and now she found another man

[denxnis]

I will make this as short as possible - any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Me, (Male 24), am graduating in 2013, have a great job lined up making ~80k. I'm not ugly but not really good looking. I don't have a ton of friends because my ex was my best friend and and I feel completely alone without her.

 

My ex on the other hand (Female 22) has no college, hardly any money, and works as a bank teller with this other guy. She is however good looking and very friendly.

 

My ex girlfriend and I started dating my senior year in high school when we met in piano class. The first few months were amazing and we were amazing together. After about a year I messed up and kissed another girl. I felt like garbage, admitted to it, and never went further.

 

Throughout the years my girlfriend was amazing, she would help wash my car, clean my room, and on my last birthday (2011) she covered my bed in rose pedals and a birthday present. I loved her very much but over time I felt like this wasn't the right girl for me for some reason, seeing that I would occasionally text other girls and seek attention from other girls (not sex). I was dumb and never realized how stupid my actions were until now.

 

Even though I did not treat my ex like the princess she deserved to be treated like, I always cared about her. I always told her to save money rather then blow it, I always pushed her to advance in her career and move up the ladder, and I always told her to not get piercings/fake tans because her health is more important.

 

Regardless I did not treat this girl well because I thought she would always be around. She didn't really have too many friends or family and because of this I was her "everything". About 6 months ago I threatened to break up with her and she said she would kill herself.

 

Recently she moved into a house with 2 roommates through a craigslist ad, this is when things changed. I began to notice her attitude towards me had changed and she was becoming more distant. Later we got into a huge argument after she asked if she could go out to bars at 11pm with her roommates on a Friday, I told her i don't want her to because there's nothing there but a bunch of losers trying to get laid and she kept pushing it. I broke up with her over the phone expecting her to call back but she never did.

 

After she did not call back my mind went crazy. The next day I suspected something odd was going on after creeping through her facebook page and coworkers facebook page. I noticed that she started working with a new coworker who transferred to her job a couple months ago. They seemed very friendly towards each otehr. We got into arguments and I told her I would never be her friend - and she continued to say she wants me in her life somehow and that she still loves me.

 

Well fast forward 1 month later, I text her that I found her xmas present in my closet and would like her to have it even if we aren't together - she said her roommates don't think it's a good idea but she would come by Friday and pick-it up because she felt I quote, "I will come by though because I feel like you are being genuine my love".

 

That night I drove by her place for some stupid reason and noticed her coworkers truck was there... I lost it. Called her every bad name in the book and now she blocked me on her cell and facebook and did not answer my call this morning when all I wanted to do was tell her happy thanksgiving.

 

I need you're advice please - one day I feel like my life is moving forward (i'm going to gym, talking with my family more), and other times I feel like my life is incomplete without her.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

I think you need to move on. As hard as it is you need to let her go. She is not going to give up this "new lifestyle" just because you said so. If I was in your situation I would move on and let her go. Maybe in a few months when shes done having her fun then she will realize what you guys had. Think of it this way...what choice do you have? She chose to move on so should you. Trust me when I say the more you beg, plea, cry etc....the more you will push her away. If you find things out and call her names...you are also pushing her away. Break contact so you can heal and start working on yourself. Who knows maybe later down the line when she sees a better you she will change her mind. Let her go.

[Ramzk001]

Move on

 

Some people change instantly, when they dont want to stay in the relationship they don't solve its problem, Its the time when they are not in love. Because when two people are in love, they do anything in fix the relationship.

 

People who don't change, are the genuine people. You can test people in yours or theirs good and bad times. Its better to move on she bailed out from relationship

[denxnis]

She just emailed me with, "Happy Thanksgiving, Dennis!"

[Tree_Salmon]

As a guy who was in a relationship of that type for 6 years i can tell you right now that you need to move on.

 

You're playing with fire if you continue pursuing this.

It's pointless. Shes not you and shes not the person you met.

 

You have a good future. Go out and have fun with your life.

[dinosaur]

You obviously don't think she's the right one for you and she feels mistreated so she left for another guy. Move on and find someone you think is right for you. Even if this girl comes back, what's the point? You should find someone you like better.

 

Learn from your mistakes and don't be so insecure next time. I go out with my friends to bars all the time - it's a girls night out. Usually my boyfriend picks me up when I'm leaving, but I've never had a boyfriend think it was a problem. Maybe you didn't trust her? If so, she's not the girl for you. Find someone you trust.

 

If you break up with someone - understand what you're doing is probably permanent in their eyes. What I mean is, don't break up with them and expect to get back together; either try to give it a cooling off period after the argument and talk/compromise or break up with them for real. It seems to me you have a lot of angst towards her. If somehow you do end up getting back together, you're going to have to let that go. Do not feed your ego on how she made you "her world" - that means nothing. Wouldn't you rather have a relationship where you felt equals?

[denxnis]

Many of you are saying move on, it is very difficult to move on after someone abandons you for another man... I can't remember the last time I felt so insecure about myself.

 

Regardless, thank you very much for the advice. Dinosaur, what you are saying makes a lot of sense - it's nice to hear advice from a girl's perspective for a chance.

Thank you for that.

[Tree_Salmon]

Many of you are saying move on, it is very difficult to move on after someone abandons you for another man... I can't remember the last time I felt so insecure about myself.

 

Regardless, thank you very much for the advice. Dinosaur, what you are saying makes a lot of sense - it's nice to hear advice from a girl's perspective for a chance.

Thank you for that.

 

I never said its easy.

I had to do it.

it was the hardest thing ive ever done.

 

What im telling you is start now because, looking back, if i had listened to that advice after the breakup i would have healed much faster.

 

I know you feel like you missed out, or messed up or whatever else the fear in your mind is telling you but its all a mind fu*k you do to yourself.

 

I have been there. for a long time. I'm finally now moving on. Don't waste as much time as i did holding on to something that wasnt there.

 

I left for a reason. you werent happy for a reason. even IF, and i say that very loosely, she came back you would go right back to the same problems.

I'm telling you, ive been there and i didnt listen to anyone. Now i was forced to move on after finding out she cheated on me half a dozen times.

 

Wasted a year. Don't waste a year.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Many of you are saying move on, it is very difficult to move on after someone abandons you for another man... I can't remember the last time I felt so insecure about myself.

 

Regardless, thank you very much for the advice. Dinosaur, what you are saying makes a lot of sense - it's nice to hear advice from a girl's perspective for a chance.

Thank you for that.

 

Trust me its never easy to move on. I am exiting from a 9 year relationship where my ex is leaving me for another guy. You really dont have a choice but to move on. Its hard, its sucks and its the worst thing to have to do but it has to happen. Take this time to work on yourself. To better yourself. Keep yourself busy and take it one day at a time. We are all in the same boat and we all have to go through it.

[Negative Nancy]

You took her for granted, didn't treat her well and to top it off cheated on her, you got what was coming to you...no sympathies from me.

[Els]

Too late to go back now, IMO. It might not have been too late after you kissed that girl, but definitely too late by now. You can't get someone back when you have driven them away for years despite their attempts at drawing you close. And, really, what sort of bf tells his gf he doesn't want her to hang out with her girlfriends at a bar on a Friday night (unless he himself has already made plans with her).. and then breaks up with her when she stands up for herself? Honestly!

 

By the time she decided to cut you loose, she would have probably moved on almost irrevocably. My suggestion at this point would be to honestly apologize for all that you've done to her, and let the cards fall where they may. She may accept it, she may not, but either way at least you know you've done the right thing and can start healing and learning from your mistakes.

 

If you think you have nothing to apologize for.. you should really not be in a relationship.

[denxnis]

You took her for granted, didn't treat her well and to top it off cheated on her, you got what was coming to you...no sympathies from me.

 

Yes I did take her for granted, but in my defense she NEVER said anything or even hinted that she wanted change in our relationship. Sleeping with a guy immediately after her and I broke up just went to show me that rather than communicating with me she simply jumped ship which is why I feel like this isn't' all my fault... If she would have spoken to me and said she wanted change I would have done so without a doubt.

 

And yes some of you may think it's wrong of me to have asked her not to go to the bars with her friends but she had originally made plans with me AND I never once objected to her going to happy hour or bars during the day when it is more safe.

[Negative Nancy]

Yes I did take her for granted, but in my defense she NEVER said anything or even hinted that she wanted change in our relationship. Sleeping with a guy immediately after her and I broke up just went to show me that rather than communicating with me she simply jumped ship which is why I feel like this isn't' all my fault... If she would have spoken to me and said she wanted change I would have done so without a doubt

 

This is where the "taken for granted" part comes in; I bet she probably spoke to you a million times, but you chose not to listen and probably didn't take her seriously or put it off as "women talk" or her "being on the rag".

 

See that's the difference, when women notice no change after so many times of "communicating" repeatedly, at some point they just give up and that is where the emotional distancing sets in. A wise person once said, "men may complain that women constantly 'nag' and 'talk incessantly' and may sigh in relief when a woman finally grows silent, but that is atually when they should really pay attention". You understand why now, I'm sure...because a woman growing silent = she stopped caring (out of self-protection).

 

Nothing you can do right now, it seems. Once a woman has made up her mind, she's already checked out so far out of the relationship that it's almost irreconcilable.

Edited November 23, 2012 by Negative Nancy

[Survivor12]

Although you may have meant well, you had no right telling her what she could and could not do. From the tanning to spending time out with her friends, you acted more like a father than a loving boyfriend. Whether you realize it or not, your description of her--and of your relationship in general--indicates that you look down on her as being unable to make her own decisions and be an equal partner. So, I don't find it surprising that she finally reached a point that she felt ready to begin living her own life (kinda like a girl who goes from being "daddy's little girl" into becoming a woman).

 

I also agree with the others who mentioned that it seems as though you took her for granted--that because you were so convinced that she "idolized" you and that she couldn't live without you--you failed to support, or even acknowledge, that she had a mind of her own.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting, but this is the kind of experience that can teach us valuable lessons. I hope you will take advantage of it in your future relationships.

[stillafool]

 

I broke up with her over the phone expecting her to call back but she never did.

 

 

 

Many of you are saying move on, it is very difficult to move on after someone abandons you for another man... I can't remember the last time I felt so insecure about myself.

 

 

You broke up with her she did not abandon you. She did what she was suppose to do which is move on with her life. I don't think you felt she was good enough for you anyway and that's why you broke up with her. After she was gone you missed the ego stroke and thus want her back. It doesn't work that way. Now it is best that you move on and leave this poor girl alone to find happiness.

[Negative Nancy]

You broke up with her she did not abandon you. She did what she was suppose to do which is move on with her life. I don't think you felt she was good enough for you anyway and that's why you broke up with her. After she was gone you missed the ego stroke and thus want her back. It doesn't work that way. Now it is best that you move on and leave this poor girl alone to find happiness.

 

What men never seem to comprehend, is that when a woman's given everything she can, there's no turning back. For better or worse, when she's finally done, she's done.

 

So his best bet would be to bury all hope.

[Els]

Yes I did take her for granted, but in my defense she NEVER said anything or even hinted that she wanted change in our relationship. Sleeping with a guy immediately after her and I broke up just went to show me that rather than communicating with me she simply jumped ship which is why I feel like this isn't' all my fault... If she would have spoken to me and said she wanted change I would have done so without a doubt.

 

This is true, if she had not communicated at all.

 

And yes some of you may think it's wrong of me to have asked her not to go to the bars with her friends but she had originally made plans with me AND I never once objected to her going to happy hour or bars during the day when it is more safe.

 

Also true. At any rate, what do you really want? Do you want to get back with her, if you feel this was mostly her fault?

[Chi townD]

Yep! I agree. Let her go. Look, you know the mistakes that you've caused in the relationship. Learn from it and use it as what NOT to do in your next relationship.

 

Go no contact with her. I have a feeling that when you recieved the "friendly" Happy Thankgiving text. You probably sent a flurry of texts. If this is the case. stop! It only makes you look desperate and give her and her roomates something to have a laugh over. And by the way, her roomates are being very toxic towards you..i.e. "My roomates don't think it's a good idea for me to come over..." They have a lot more influence than you do. SO! my advice....

 

Keep your eye on the prize! Graduating college is just around the corner and you're already setting yourself up with a good paying job. Continue to go to the gym. A LOT!!! Work out your frustrations and stress. Buy a new wardrobe and get a new hairstyle. And plan for a trip after graduation. Some place you've always wanted to go. Get new hobbies and meet people. Hell, there's all kinds of clubs at college...join one of them! Get out there and meet them, party with them....STAY BUSY!!!! And above all else Stay NC with your Ex.

[JamesM]

Questions:

 

Your posts say nothing about evidence that she slept with this coworker. Do you know this or assume this?

 

Has she said that she likes this coworker as more than a friend? Just because his truck is at her place does not mean he is more than a friend.

 

And if she still calls you, then what is her interest?

 

She stuck with you this long. Why do you assume she has moved on?

 

Why do you want to move on? She didn't cheat on YOU. You cheated on her, but she stayed. If she is worth it, then why don't you fight for her?

 

I think she still loves you...or at the least has strong feelings for you.

 

Too little info IMO unless I am missing something above.

[golk]

Here's the thing. I had this type of relationship (took her for granted, didn't appreciate her, thought I'd never lose her) and I can tell you, I "fought" for her for the last three months and it has been a rollercoaster ride. Think back in your relationship, I can guarantee you that she did try to communicate with you that something needs to change. And you didn't listen, probably because you thought you'd never lose her. Well you did. So did I. It sucks knowing that a lot of the blame is YOURS and MINE, not theirs.

 

When you don't give someone the attention or whatever is they crave from you and they tell you this, they will find it somewhere else (probably her co-worker). Now I guarantee she hasn't moved on and I'm sure that she still has strong feelings if she was in your life for 6 years but is that enough to make her come back and try again? Who knows. For me, my ex says that she's sure she doesn't want it back anytime soon. So all I and probably you can do is go NC. Maybe they'll miss it and it will be strong enough to make them want to try again. If not, you'll be on the road to recovery.

[Treasa]

I treated my exes like kings. I put up with a lot of abuse. No more. I'm glad she moved on. Hopefully this will teach you not to treat the next one poorly. I wish you all the best.

[denxnis]

Questions:

 

Your posts say nothing about evidence that she slept with this coworker. Do you know this or assume this?

 

I drove by her place multiple times, like a crazy person, and saw his truck there at least 3 times. Mind you this was at like 10pm.

 

Has she said that she likes this coworker as more than a friend? Just because his truck is at her place does not mean he is more than a friend.

 

She said she has strong feelings for him, but I quote, "does not want a relationship and sees that he is falling in love with her".

 

 

I spoke with her this Saturday in person and she joked around with me and was adorably sweet. I wanted to end this game and asked her if she was happy, hoping she would give me a definitive answer so that I can move on with my life or work to fix things. She replied, "sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not."

 

That same night I told her how beautiful she looked without make-up, she wasn't wearing any, and that the reason I was treating her badly during our relationship was because subconsciously I thought I was better than her because I had a career, school, and money. I preceded to tell her that I was completely wrong and that I am an idiot for ever thinking so. She hugged me multiple times, told me she is working on a promotion and trying to get into college. At this point I teared up and told her that is all i ever wanted for her, a prosperous future, and that I am happy for her.

 

She then continuously tried to high five me (I thought it was strange), I backed away and looked into her eyes and said I am happy for you. As I preceded to my car she got upset because I wouldn't high five her and said "good bye dennis".

 

The next night her coworkers truck was there again... I swore to myself that night I would never drive by her house again or try and contact her again.

 

I messed up by not treating her right. I bought her roses the day after we broke up, I told her she was the first person I fell in love with (I was 18) and if I had it my way the last person to fall in love with. I cannot fathom how she can continue to see this guy, at least wait a couple of months..., after seeing how much I am willing to say and do for her & especially after seeing how much this has hurt me for the past month (I haven't cried for a good 10 years until this breakup).

 

I would completely understand if she wanted to stay broken up or move on with her life - but to me it seems highly disrespectful and down right wrong to see another man so quickly... It just makes me think she never was in love with me.

 

 

P.S Thank you all for the amazing advice/opinions, this has really really helped me and if there is anything I can do to return the favor name it.

Edited November 27, 2012 by denxnis

[cavalier99]

DUDE. You need to stop this now. I also had heart wrenching scenes like this for like a month...pre final breakup after 7 plus years. She started communicating with new guy.

 

I Didn't trust her and drove by to see what she was up to, logged into her accounts to see what was happening etcetera etcetera. I also didnt pay my ex enough attention. I lost her slowley and knew it was happening. She would have married me almost the entire time we were together.

 

I wish i had ended thing years ago. I forced her to do this and it was good that she had the courage to end it because i didnt. Next time i wont let 7 years go by. BIG lesson.

 

Have u had enough?

 

End the torture and start to put this behind you NOW. Go NC and recover your sanity. This stuff is heart wrenching but it gets better. You just need to make a decision. You will be forced to make it anyway eventually so might as well regain some self esteem and take the plunge.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

By the way. It doesn't necessarily make it right that they have something lined up before they dump you. And YES we were USED as comfort as they plotted to get out and build up their courage. BUT..that is how many dumpers operate. We just need to suck it up.

 

In the end.. if she jumps into a new relationship it makes it easier to stay NC. Kill all hope and you will move on faster.

[cavalier99]

I just realized that you dumped her. BUT. She really dumped you in a way. She moved on while in the relationship and you smartly preemtivley pulled the trigger before she could. At least that is the impression I get. Thus you feel like you got dumped and are in the same boat as we all are.

 

Anyway don't beat yourself up about things. The end was inevitable one way or another. She had her bags packed. You'll find that you will relive those horrific moments less and less as time goes on. As long as you stick to NC. It just slowly becomes like a bad dream that becomes hazier. I mean you remember everything but don't quite FEEL it with the same intensity. You'll be fine!