sweetheart5381 Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I came here for advice as to why she acts the way she does. These people have explained she may have BPD, and this is the reason she does these things. Thats all that has been said, and im glad i asked. My story is similar to many others on the BPD family website. She may not have BPD, but she definetely has BPD characteristics that are unhealthy, I know her, ive known her for over a year and a half. I understand that you want a logical reasoning for why she behaves/behaved as she did. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter why. That may sound cold but take it from some of the "veterans" with a lot of life experience. I come to this site to try to help folks deal with their troubles in a positive way and trust me, hitting up sites about your ex's apparent symptoms is not helping you. Even having someone validate your idea that "she is not normal" will not help you. If anything, it will set you back and keep you from seeing the truth. The truth is, no one is "normal". Normal is based on statistical sets of data. "Individual results may vary" is much closer to the truth when it comes to human behaviour, especially within relationships.
moveONorStay Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I'm not so sure...people with bpd or who show strong bpd traits tend to go through cycles of certain behaviors. They latch on to people who validate them and then cut them off when there is any sign of that validation dwindling. They then seek out a fresh source for validation and if they cant find it, they go back through the list of people from the past that are still available to be played again...I've noticed this cycle from 2 exes now and it has been the learning experience I've needed to help me screen any future potential relationships with more care.
Emilia Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Little fact, every person on this planet has all 9 traits of BPD... including you but as Downtown tried to explain, it is about the consistency and the strength of those traits and how much they interfere with your ability to create stable relationships. Same for NPD, people display traits of all dysfunctions, it's the severity that distinguishes them from healthy ones. Why are you trying to stress out the OP? Don't you have better things to do? 1
Emilia Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 I know rebounds but ive never heard a rebound relationship lasting that long, and from what ive observed if a rebound lasted past the honeymoon phase usually the two people involved were in a new relationship and have moved on from the past one. I dont understand how she could convince herself for a year and a half that i was her ex. I lived with this girl and slept next to her 5 days a week. I would have seen more signs if this is the case you are talking about. It doesnt really matter anyways. Im on the road to recovery. You don't need to explain yourself, he is just trying to bait you. His username should be a give-away 1
Author Jay08 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 I'm not so sure...people with bpd or who show strong bpd traits tend to go through cycles of certain behaviors. They latch on to people who validate them and then cut them off when there is any sign of that validation dwindling. They then seek out a fresh source for validation and if they cant find it, they go back through the list of people from the past that are still available to be played again...I've noticed this cycle from 2 exes now and it has been the learning experience I've needed to help me screen any future potential relationships with more care. Been there a million times. Finding out she cheated on me with two guy friends she played before me whenever we got into an argument. Then finding out the first time we broke up she called up her first ex for sex an hour later. He found a new girl and wanted nothing to do with her though. No more validation from me, in a sick way im waiting for her to contact me so i can ignore her and put a smile on my face. Send her a message she know longer has control of me. 1
Author Jay08 Posted November 25, 2012 Author Posted November 25, 2012 (edited) You don't need to explain yourself, he is just trying to bait you. His username should be a give-away I know what hes doing. I dont think he read the entire thread, hes expressing his opinion which is another possibility and i appreciate it. However, i spent a large majority of the last two years of my life with her. I know her better than anyone, i know something is off about her. Her behavior is not normal. Ill keep this thread updated, if she reaches out im debating whether i should tell her i think she should see a psych. Question for you, were you able to remain friends with your ex? I say this because she has successfully remained relationships with many of the guys she recycled. One of them uses her for sex, i think shes okay with that. She has a history of contacting guys about a month later asking to be friends, I think an option for me would be to express to her i am not looking to date anyone but if you would like to remain friends it would be okay, than keep an emotional distance. That way she has a sense of she still has me, maybe it will lower her depression. I know she cant be helped, maybe this will lesson the blow. I say this because periods when we would go NC (i initiated) she would text me out of the blue trying to get affection from me. Shed say things like "My gma is leaving im going to be alone" "I need to find an apartment, ill be all alone" "After i lost you, all my friends left me!". I always felt bad, dont want her to be depressed and hurt herself. Edited November 25, 2012 by Jay08
moveONorStay Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 She isn't your responsibility any more and I think if you aren't going to be in a relationship with her then you need to distance yourself for a while before any kind of friendship resumed. Right now there are way too many emotions running high...if you saw her, she would use you for validation (sex) then the whole thing would start all over again, keeping you in the rut when the cycle repeats. Equally, why would you want to stay friends with her? It'll drive you nuts when you hear she is out sleeping with other guys...that is, until you are over her and not concerned about who she is with, and that will be a while from now. For your own sanity, you should cut her off for a while and get your emotions straightened out. I would just tell her that you can't see her/talk to her right now and then go NC. Don't just ignore her right away, as that is a pretty cruel thing to do, I think. Maybe when you are a lot clearer in your own mind would there be potential to be friends. I've never remained friends with any of my exes other than the odd message of well wishing here and there. Difficult to maintain that friendship, plus I wouldn't really want to be dating someone who is in regularly hanging out with an ex.
Downtown Posted November 25, 2012 Posted November 25, 2012 Question for you, were you able to remain friends with your ex?Jay, it took me 15 years to learn that, when a woman is incapable of trusting YOU, you can never trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time -- and she eventually will. If your exGF is a BPDer, she is incapable of trusting herself and, until she learns how to do that, will be unable to trust anyone else for an extended period. Following my D, my BPDer exW kept calling me every two weeks for 8 months. Finally, she asked me why I never initiated by calling her so we could be friends again. I asked her whether she still believed I was a violent person who fabricates lies nearly every week. She said, "Oh yes, I still believe that." In response, I told her that she was incapable of trusting me and, because trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built, we could never be friends again. I asked her to stop calling and I haven't called her since. 1
CptSaveAho Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I read this entire thread... Jay is exhibiting all the characteristics of my name.... Hence why I responded to this thread Simple facts. 1) The relationship is over 2) You havent moved on 3) You have no concept of self love 4) You were a rebound 5) You want to remain friends with an ex and try to Save Her It doesnt matter the type of person she was/is, you chose to enter a relationship with her. You cant say after the fact, oh she was/is ****ed up from her past. She remained friends with all her ex's thats her choice. You chose to continue a relationship with a person like this. These are all the consequences of your actions I see this crap happen all the time, someone jumps in and rescue a person with a "different" past then their own, they get used and dumped in the same manner and they continue to chase for YEARS. Want to know a famous person that did this from this forum? Look up Caliguy. He still chases his ex 6/7 years later. He focused completely on HER behavior and still does and doesnt focus on his. Look at downtown, does the same thing. Instead of actually moving on, forgetting about it and projecting his story onto a 20 year old girl, he relives his breakup everytime he posts his information. This is the BAD thing about saying your EX has BPD or blaming your ex's past, you relive the breakup over and over and over again. I know people that have done this for 20+ years, reliving their breakup every single day Learn to build strong personal boundaries, forgive yourself for dating someone who you had a captain save a hoe (knight in shining armor) Complex with and move forward
Tree_Salmon Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Your opinion which is not based on relevant experience unlike Downtown's, Jay's and mine. I agree that it DOES matter. I was there, I had to face this in a person that I loved. It's not fun or easy.
moveONorStay Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 the BAD thing about saying your EX has BPD or blaming your ex's past, you relive the breakup over and over and over again. I know people that have done this for 20+ years, reliving their breakup every single day Learn to build strong personal boundaries, forgive yourself for dating someone who you had a captain save a hoe (knight in shining armor) Complex with and move forward Very truly spoken by the captain. I myself am just out of a relationship with someone who displayed red flags throughout the relationship and in hindsight likely suffers from BPD/NPD. I wanted to be the rescuer, bring balance and stability to her life and in the end the anxiety I suffered from the sudden bursts of rage she displayed got the better of me and I broke up with her. It hurt because in so many ways she was the girl of my dreams, but her instability and mood swings showed me that there was no way this could be someone I could spend my life with. After the break up I had spells of regret and doubt and tried to reach out to her, at which point she cursed me out and projected her issues onto me. It was like she was describing herself. It was a surreal conversation with someone who has a jaded view of reality. How can you live in the real world with someone who behaves like that? It would eventually wear you down. Move on, love yourself and when you do, someone better will come along to love you. 1
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