Total Mindf$%!.. No idea what i did, what do i do..

[Jay08]

Me and my ex gf broke up months ago. We continuously kept in contact and tried taking it slow to work things out over the months, some good weeks some weeks were not so good.

 

Well this past weekend she gets her wisdom teeth pulled. The entire weekdays before we were texting and hanging out, i stayed over a few times. The weekend comes and i spend the entire weekend with her. It was like old times, she was calling me "babe" telling me how much she loved me, and saturday we went to the zoo, and even went out afterwards.

 

Fastforward to monday, and thats it. Absolutely nothing. I text her once and she sends me back a two word response, so i decide she might be busy. Well a few hours later i call her, and she lets it ring. Then another hour i call her again to see how shes doing and her friend picks up and tells me shes busy shell call me back. So im angry, but figured shes just having fun. Well, she dont call me back, she doesnt text back, nothing.

 

Next day i dont hear from her at all. So 10oclock rolls around and i send her a text saying "hey can you let me know what the deal is, we spend this awesome weekend together, you tell me all this stuff and now you want nothing to do with me? If not its cool at least have the decency to let me know" Right after i send this text, i see her walk out of her house and get on her phone (I was at a buddys who lives next to her) No response. So an hour passes and at this point i let my emotions get the better of me. I was really upset. So i send her one last text. "Nothing.. Really? For someone who did so much for you i figured i might have been worth a little more than that to you. Hope your happy dude. Goodbye"

 

Its now been two days and no response. Shes a gorgeous and awesome girl but has some issues (no dad in her life, not best relationship with her mom). I think she may have got some feelings for her neighbor also, but the thing that hurts the worst is i got no closure out of it.

 

I just need some advice, im so confused and hurt right now. I dont understand what happend.Should i try to find her and talk to her in person, or try calling her maybe.. or just NC her. She was the first girl i ever fell in love with.. Ive had girlfriends before, but never felt anything like i felt for her..

[Tree_Salmon]

Me and my ex gf broke up months ago. We continuously kept in contact and tried taking it slow to work things out over the months, some good weeks some weeks were not so good.

 

Well this past weekend she gets her wisdom teeth pulled. The entire weekdays before we were texting and hanging out, i stayed over a few times. The weekend comes and i spend the entire weekend with her. It was like old times, she was calling me "babe" telling me how much she loved me, and saturday we went to the zoo, and even went out afterwards.

 

Fastforward to monday, and thats it. Absolutely nothing. I text her once and she sends me back a two word response, so i decide she might be busy. Well a few hours later i call her, and she lets it ring. Then another hour i call her again to see how shes doing and her friend picks up and tells me shes busy shell call me back. So im angry, but figured shes just having fun. Well, she dont call me back, she doesnt text back, nothing.

 

Next day i dont hear from her at all. So 10oclock rolls around and i send her a text saying "hey can you let me know what the deal is, we spend this awesome weekend together, you tell me all this stuff and now you want nothing to do with me? If not its cool at least have the decency to let me know" Right after i send this text, i see her walk out of her house and get on her phone (I was at a buddys who lives next to her) No response. So an hour passes and at this point i let my emotions get the better of me. I was really upset. So i send her one last text. "Nothing.. Really? For someone who did so much for you i figured i might have been worth a little more than that to you. Hope your happy dude. Goodbye"

 

Its now been two days and no response. Shes a gorgeous and awesome girl but has some issues (no dad in her life, not best relationship with her mom). I think she may have got some feelings for her neighbor also, but the thing that hurts the worst is i got no closure out of it.

 

I just need some advice, im so confused and hurt right now. I dont understand what happend.Should i try to find her and talk to her in person, or try calling her maybe.. or just NC her. She was the first girl i ever fell in love with.. Ive had girlfriends before, but never felt anything like i felt for her..

 

"Some issues" to you probably means that she has tons of issues you dont know about.

 

trust me. i was with a "gorgeous and awesome" chick for 6 years and just found out what was really going on.

 

Drop it and move on before you get screwed again.

From my experience, shes got a few guys on a leash and is playing all of you.

Move on save yourself the bull.

 

I've been through this for the last year with my ex. It wastes time and produces nothing good.

[Emilia]

I just need some advice, im so confused and hurt right now. I dont understand what happend.Should i try to find her and talk to her in person, or try calling her maybe.. or just NC her. She was the first girl i ever fell in love with.. Ive had girlfriends before, but never felt anything like i felt for her..

 

Has she done this before? Has she been really loving and sweet and needy only to go quiet on you without explanation again?

 

Does she have moodswings?

[Jay08]

Has she done this before? Has she been really loving and sweet and needy only to go quiet on you without explanation again?

 

Does she have moodswings?

 

Yea she has done this before but not to this level. She usually would respond hours later, or the next day. And yes i think shes a little bipolar. One day she loves me then the next day she doesnt want anything to do with me. A couple times after we broke up wed hang out for a few days than it seemed like shed get distant again.

 

The last day of the weekend she flipped out on me when i said i was going home for the night, so i said id stay. Then we wake up and she just was really distant, it was an awkward morning.

[Jay08]

"Some issues" to you probably means that she has tons of issues you dont know about.

 

trust me. i was with a "gorgeous and awesome" chick for 6 years and just found out what was really going on.

 

Drop it and move on before you get screwed again.

From my experience, shes got a few guys on a leash and is playing all of you.

Move on save yourself the bull.

 

I've been through this for the last year with my ex. It wastes time and produces nothing good.

 

Yea i know man. Yesterday was better, i made it out to be her fault (it is) and remembered all the bad times to get me through it, then i had a dream about her and now i just keep thinking of the good times, so i want to talk to her. I was gonna text her again til i got to this forum figured id get advice first.

 

The thing is, i worry about her. I care alot because i know she has some issues and dont want to see her sad, it seemed like everytime shed be depressed id comfort her than shed be happy again. She was a huge part of my life and my best friend for over a year, i dont want to lose that.

 

Im really considering texting her "Look i understand you do not want to be with me as an item, but i still care about you and would like to remain friends"

Edited November 22, 2012 by Jay08

[Tree_Salmon]

Yea i know man. Yesterday was better, i made it out to be her fault (it is) and remembered all the bad times to get me through it, then i had a dream about her and now i just keep thinking of the good times, so i want to talk to her. I was gonna text her again til i got to this forum figured id get advice first.

 

The thing is, i worry about her. I care alot because i know she has some issues and dont want to see her sad, it seemed like everytime shed be depressed id comfort her than shed be happy again. She was a huge part of my life and my best friend for over a year, i dont want to lose that.

 

Im really considering texting her "Look i understand you do not want to be with me as an item, but i still care about you and would like to remain friends"

 

I worried about her all the time. even when she was out with some other dude. but i realize that is a waste of time and is some kind of mental fu*k up on my part.

 

she doesnt deserve your worry. honestly.

she doesnt worry about you. I guarantee it.

[Jay08]

Yea ive done alot of reading now, and ive come to the conclusion she is either BPD or a waif.

 

-Dad left her when she was young

-Always telling me how she doesnt want to be like her mom, but then drinking with her the same night.

-Gorgeous looks. HB 8.5 w/ makeup

-Way more guy friends than chick friends. Also still hung out with guys who she had relations with that ended up being "good friends" because they were in the same social circle.

-Always talking like a baby to me. Which i thought was cute at first, then she started doing it all the time, one day she did it the entire day.

-Never owning up to her flaws or mistakes. Shed get upset at me for stuff when she was doing the same crap

-Always checking up on me, but then when she knew i was not in an environment with other girls, shed ignore me

-Hypersexual. Which now looking back makes me think she was cheating

-Extreme jealousy

 

Im sure gonna miss her though. Wonder if ill ever hear from her again.

[Tree_Salmon]

Yea ive done alot of reading now, and ive come to the conclusion she is either BPD or a waif.

 

-Dad left her when she was young

-Always telling me how she doesnt want to be like her mom, but then drinking with her the same night.

-Gorgeous looks. HB 8.5 w/ makeup

-Way more guy friends than chick friends. Also still hung out with guys who she had relations with that ended up being "good friends" because they were in the same social circle.

-Always talking like a baby to me. Which i thought was cute at first, then she started doing it all the time, one day she did it the entire day.

-Never owning up to her flaws or mistakes. Shed get upset at me for stuff when she was doing the same crap

-Always checking up on me, but then when she knew i was not in an environment with other girls, shed ignore me

-Hypersexual. Which now looking back makes me think she was cheating

-Extreme jealousy

 

Im sure gonna miss her though. Wonder if ill ever hear from her again.

 

I'm sure that my ex had a personality disorder without a doubt now.

You cant possibly be with a person like this.

 

You never know who you'll get on a daily basis.

Can't live like that

[9Lives]

We all need to start looking at people CHARACTER and not outer appearance when it comes to matters of the heart. This girl is all about HERSELF

[Jay08]

We all need to start looking at people CHARACTER and not outer appearance when it comes to matters of the heart. This girl is all about HERSELF

 

Your correct, but my issue was whenever we were together/going good, she would treat me amazing. Buy me things, talk me up, she put me on a pedestal, no other girl has ever treated me that way. Then to go from that to where i am now, its a total mindf*ck. I dont know what happend.

 

Like i said i think she just got interested in her neighbor or something. This guy and his girl moved in next to her. Turns out his gf was a closet lesbian, and breaks up with him. So when me and her break up, she ends up hanging out with him and his friends alot. Well, we start working things out, and she begins bringing up places, taking him to dinner with her mom, things like that. Then this weekend, me and her are hanging out alone, and he just randomly walks in at midnight wasted. So i got upset but she told me him and her best friend were hooking up, which i believed because he was talking about her texting him. But now im unsure.

 

Oh well, his gf became a lesbian. Jokes on her if she wants that. And i feel bad for him. Shell end up screwing him over, and when she does hell cut her out. Shell lose all her friends, and come running back to me. And hopefully im not such a b*tch and go back when she starts telling me crap about how she really loves me and this and that

 

 

edit: Wow, rereading that it sounds like a movie. And im the poor idiot. Ha, jokes on me, i cut out 3 other girls i met to go back to her. Lesson learned.

Edited November 22, 2012 by Jay08

[Tree_Salmon]

Your correct, but my issue was whenever we were together/going good, she would treat me amazing. Buy me things, talk me up, she put me on a pedestal, no other girl has ever treated me that way. Then to go from that to where i am now, its a total mindf*ck. I dont know what happend.

 

Like i said i think she just got interested in her neighbor or something. This guy and his girl moved in next to her. Turns out his gf was a closet lesbian, and breaks up with him. So when me and her break up, she ends up hanging out with him and his friends alot. Well, we start working things out, and she begins bringing up places, taking him to dinner with her mom, things like that. Then this weekend, me and her are hanging out alone, and he just randomly walks in at midnight wasted. So i got upset but she told me him and her best friend were hooking up, which i believed because he was talking about her texting him. But now im unsure.

 

Oh well, his gf became a lesbian. Jokes on her if she wants that. And i feel bad for him. Shell end up screwing him over, and when she does hell cut her out. Shell lose all her friends, and come running back to me. And hopefully im not such a b*tch and go back when she starts telling me crap about how she really loves me and this and that

 

 

edit: Wow, rereading that it sounds like a movie. And im the poor idiot. Ha, jokes on me, i cut out 3 other girls i met to go back to her. Lesson learned.

 

I get it man, ive been through the same thing for six years.

 

But the truth is she was lying to you. And that makes anything that came out of her mouth useless.

 

Actions and integrity, those are the things that really matter.

 

I know how badly it sucks. and it will probably suck even more.

I stuck with it for so long being hopeful and putting her up on the pedestal but then i realized she was full of it.

 

Don't project your own caring personality on her. She's not you. She doesn't care.

[Meetvirginia]

I have been dating the male version of this chick, i swear. I know how you feel,wanting to contact them and feeling wistful and sad. But these people are all about themselves,even as they are telling you how they love you and miss you-it is still about them,needing their ego stroked. Although it may not seem like it now, if you resist the urge to contact and try to move on the day will come when you suddenly realize the loss is theirs,not yours. The times you think of them will be fewer and farther between. Trust me,i was seriously mindf-cked and it was paralyzing at first. But now its been only a month and im already realizing that he was never there for me in the first place-it was all about him. Now this may sound crazy and it very well may be- but every day,everytime thoughts of missing him crossed my mind, i cussed him out...in my mind obviously,sometimes out loud in my car while i was alone... That helped me. I miss him wish he would call my mind would say. No i dont, screw you you dumb jerk for being this way. Whatever works,like i said it may make me sound totally nuts but it worked for me so thats how i dealt with it. This girl doesnt care about you,only what you can do for HER! Or how you make HER feel. Screw these narcissist a-holes, you deserve a woman who loves you and would never want to make you go through this kind of crap. Sorry if i rambled,im clearly still dealing with my own dating issues lol but it will get better. It will!

[Downtown]

ive come to the conclusion she is either BPD or a waif.

Jay, I agree that your description of rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you is far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. If you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you read my description of them in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

 

As to the "quiet borderlines" -- also called "waif borderlines" -- therapist Shari Schreiber provides a very good description at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. And A.J. Mahari describes their behavior at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Whereas Schreiber emphasizes the "poor little me" traits, Mahari stresses the coldness and passive aggressiveness that appears.

[Jay08]

Jay, I agree that your description of rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you is far more characteristic of BPD than bipolar. If you would like to read more about BPD traits, I suggest you read my description of them in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735.

 

As to the "quiet borderlines" -- also called "waif borderlines" -- therapist Shari Schreiber provides a very good description at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. And A.J. Mahari describes their behavior at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Whereas Schreiber emphasizes the "poor little me" traits, Mahari stresses the coldness and passive aggressiveness that appears.

 

hey thanks alot for the articles im gonna check them out, it helped out today knowing she may have a disorder, also sucks that the entire time her disorder may have been the reason she loved me in the first place tho :/ .. Went out with some friends tonight, got a little drunk lol almost texted her but remembered this forum and saved it as a draft. Thank god.

[Jay08]

I have been dating the male version of this chick, i swear. I know how you feel,wanting to contact them and feeling wistful and sad. But these people are all about themselves,even as they are telling you how they love you and miss you-it is still about them,needing their ego stroked. Although it may not seem like it now, if you resist the urge to contact and try to move on the day will come when you suddenly realize the loss is theirs,not yours. The times you think of them will be fewer and farther between. Trust me,i was seriously mindf-cked and it was paralyzing at first. But now its been only a month and im already realizing that he was never there for me in the first place-it was all about him. Now this may sound crazy and it very well may be- but every day,everytime thoughts of missing him crossed my mind, i cussed him out...in my mind obviously,sometimes out loud in my car while i was alone... That helped me. I miss him wish he would call my mind would say. No i dont, screw you you dumb jerk for being this way. Whatever works,like i said it may make me sound totally nuts but it worked for me so thats how i dealt with it. This girl doesnt care about you,only what you can do for HER! Or how you make HER feel. Screw these narcissist a-holes, you deserve a woman who loves you and would never want to make you go through this kind of crap. Sorry if i rambled,im clearly still dealing with my own dating issues lol but it will get better. It will!

 

Yea thanks for the advice. I know it will take some time, a month wont help totally but it will help some. Knowing my ex like i do though i know she will contact me before xmas if her and this new guy are not together (Ive been confirmed tonight that she is talking to her neighbor) Hopefully i can ignore it if she does, but i still feel strong about her and doubt myself right now. Although i have resisted initiating since the last text.

 

Found out through my buddy. It hurt at first. Funny thing is his ex gf was the one who was hooking up with the neighbor in the first place (his ex and mine are best friends), and told me he seen mine and the neighbor being close, and asked me if he should tell his ex. I told him to let her figure it out on her own, so shes about to lose her best friend, oh boy.

[Emilia]

hey thanks alot for the articles im gonna check them out, it helped out today knowing she may have a disorder, also sucks that the entire time her disorder may have been the reason she loved me in the first place tho :/ .. Went out with some friends tonight, got a little drunk lol almost texted her but remembered this forum and saved it as a draft. Thank god.

 

I'm glad Downtown posted because it was what I was going to say. She is likely to have BPD - or at least strong personality traits anyway.

 

I will say though - and this is speaking from experience - that her love would not be due to the disorder. BPD does not define the person. It interrupts their lives and believe me they struggle but they also have many other facets to their person, please remember that.

 

Read the links, think it through but hopefully it will help you stop analysing the situation as it won't really get you anywhere. There is nothing you can do and certainly no matter how differently you think you should have behaved in the past, the result would have been the same.

 

Hope you move on quickly.

[Minka333]

I think these people act based upon their emotions. When they are happy, they will be the sweetest/ most amazing thing ever. But if something triggers their moods they can automatically flip and do a complete change.

 

When they are in a bad mood, they try to devalue the person that upset them. They then try to seek other outlets to release their pent up emotions. If they don't feel like talking to you, you can't force them because they are not in the mood to communicate and can switch you off easily.

 

Like what the other poster above mentioned, it is hard to deal with these types as you don't know what you're gonna get. Their unpredictability adds an element of thrill to a relationship. But prolonged interaction can drain and wear you out. They have a hard time controlling their emotions which usually borders on the extreme.

 

You will often be left wondering what the hell did you do to elicit such a reaction like ignoring you. If you have tremendous amount of patience and understanding..and you think you can handle her issues, then it's up to you if you can bear it. It won't be easy. It will be one rollercoaster ride from all the highs and lows.

 

Anyway, i'm not generalizing everyone as people are different. I may be wrong but i think you won't hear the end from her. She might call you again when her other sources of validation dries up.

 

Goodluck

[Emilia]

 

I may be wrong but i think you won't hear the end from her. She might call you again when her other sources of validation dries up.

 

 

She might get in touch OP but remember this cycle will happen over and over again with longer gaps of not talking. It's not about validation but her struggle between her desire for love and her inability to handle intimacy.

[Jay08]

Well all your responses are great. Downtowns articles about the silent bpd have hit the nail on the head for me. The only doubt i had before was the reading that BPD sufferers tend to act out aggressively, which she does not do. She is not abusive verbally or physically really. However, the article explained her behavior spot on about the silent type.

 

Whenever we got into an argument, she would just sit there and stare off, like she was watching t.v.. So i would talk, express my point, and would get nothing in return, i would almost have to force a response out of her by asking her 2 or 3 times if she had anything to say. Its weird though, because we had a period of like like 4 months where we didnt argue one time. Everything was perfect. Then i catch her in a lie, something so small with no need to lie about, and she just continues to try and convince me otherwise even though i showed her evidence. Things went downhill after that.

 

I was always looking to help her because i knew she had issues and didnt know if she was capable of hurting herself or not (she didnt that i knew of), but she had a tendency to drink alone if she was upset about me and her in a break, or if she thought i was going to leave her after i caught her lying to me one time. Shed tell me how her ex boyfriend was abusive towards her, and hit her. Well i think that is bullcrap now, and she was lying about that. And now im scared shes going to tell people i did that kind of thing to her.

 

And i understand now i have issue of my own, being attracted to her type. The reason i am so attached to her is because she needed me. For over a year i guess i got off on the fact there was a sense of her needing me. She has virtually lost all of her friends since the time ive known her, or bounces back and forth between groups of friends. I always thought it was them, and not her, and i would sit her down and try to explain things to her so she wouldnt be upset, but she would just latch on to me and make me feel so powerful. I guess its kind of messed up on my part. How dumb of me to fall for that crap.

 

Never ignored me for this long though, im starting to find it a little humorous, but its like i cant help but still want to help her. And i guess in a way, im kind of jealous. I wonder if maybe shell change, and the next guy she dates, hell end up getting the good her, while i got burned.

Edited November 23, 2012 by Jay08

[Jay08]

Something weird i also noticed.. dont know if this is prevalent in anyone elses case or not. And i cant speak for right now as i have not been over in a few days.

 

But we broke up officially in June.And we had our periods of hanging out, and working things out. But everytime i came over her house, she still had all of my things. She still had all of "our" pictures up, everything i gave her.All the movie tickets and whatever posted on her wall. Every Time.

 

Then this weekend she moves her room upstairs. Clears alot of crap out of her house. And we go to bed, and sure enough, she moved this electric picture frame of a bunch of pictures of us upstairs, though i know she was seeing other people while we were broken up.

[Tree_Salmon]

Something weird i also noticed.. dont know if this is prevalent in anyone elses case or not. And i cant speak for right now as i have not been over in a few days.

 

But we broke up officially in June.And we had our periods of hanging out, and working things out. But everytime i came over her house, she still had all of my things. She still had all of "our" pictures up, everything i gave her.All the movie tickets and whatever posted on her wall. Every Time.

 

Then this weekend she moves her room upstairs. Clears alot of crap out of her house. And we go to bed, and sure enough, she moved this electric picture frame of a bunch of pictures of us upstairs, though i know she was seeing other people while we were broken up.

 

I'm convinced my ex had BPD and sounds like yours did too.

Mine out bring "our" stuff out one day and then throw it into her closet in anger the next.

 

Never knew what person I was going to get on which day.

 

Best thing to do is stop trying to figure her out. WHo cares anymore. She's not your responsibility. You dont have BPD. Find a good person.

[Jay08]

I'm convinced my ex had BPD and sounds like yours did too.

Mine out bring "our" stuff out one day and then throw it into her closet in anger the next.

 

Never knew what person I was going to get on which day.

 

Best thing to do is stop trying to figure her out. WHo cares anymore. She's not your responsibility. You dont have BPD. Find a good person.

 

I know this, theres something though that makes me want to figure it out, so i can convince myself not to go back to her. I know the oldschool advice, just move on who cares theres plenty of fish in the sea. Ive had gf before this which was easy to move on from. But its like i have an addiction to being hurt by this girl. Ive even told my friends that, its weird.

 

Yes your gf does sound like she has BPD as well, from your posts its like we were dating the same girl, wouldnt be surprised if it was, actually. lol

[Tree_Salmon]

I know this, theres something though that makes me want to figure it out, so i can convince myself not to go back to her. I know the oldschool advice, just move on who cares theres plenty of fish in the sea. Ive had gf before this which was easy to move on from. But its like i have an addiction to being hurt by this girl. Ive even told my friends that, its weird.

 

Yes your gf does sound like she has BPD as well, from your posts its like we were dating the same girl, wouldnt be surprised if it was, actually. lol

 

i wouldn't put it past her at this point.

But it's an addiction i no longer want.

 

I held on for too long, at this point it's just embarrassing to myself to give a crap about her. Especially since I'm worth so much more.

 

I've already run into a great girl who's pursuing me and is the exact opposite of my crazy ex. I moved on this year and now its time to open up to new, better, people. I emphasize the better. Our ex's were complete sh*t.

[Jay08]

i wouldn't put it past her at this point.

But it's an addiction i no longer want.

 

I held on for too long, at this point it's just embarrassing to myself to give a crap about her. Especially since I'm worth so much more.

 

I've already run into a great girl who's pursuing me and is the exact opposite of my crazy ex. I moved on this year and now its time to open up to new, better, people. I emphasize the better. Our ex's were complete sh*t.

 

Yeah no doubt about that. And good for you man. I dont think ill be able to date for a while. Last time this happend a girl was interested in dating and i kept comparing her to my ex. Then my ex contacted me and i kind of shafted the new girl. I let her know what was up before hanging out though.

 

Today i find myself more angry than sad. Not furious but angry at her, and laughing about how she missed out. I mean people fall out of love with people, which is understandable. But even when i asked her she just ignored me if this was the case haha. Sucks to be her. Been listening to brand new- jude law and a semester abroad. Love for her to hear that on the radio, we went to their concert once as it was my favorite band. Shed break down if she heard it.

[Downtown]

Downtowns articles about the silent bpd have hit the nail on the head for me.

Jay, I pointed you to those two articles because it is so hard to find anything online that is insightful about quiet BPDers. Little is written because the vast majority of BPDers (perhaps 90% or more) are the loud "acting out" folks. They therefore attract nearly all the attention online and in books.

The only doubt i had before was the reading that BPD sufferers tend to act out aggressively, which she does not do.

As you know all too well, her not "acting out" does NOT mean she doesn't punish you. Rather, it only means she will do so in passive-aggressive ways, e.g., with snide remarks, icy withdrawal, cold silence, and "forgetting" to do things she had promised to do.

Whenever we got into an argument, she would just sit there and stare off, like she was watching t.v.

If she has strong BPD traits, this behavior is called "dissociation." It will be most evident in daydreams, a mild form of dissociation that we all do a dozen times a day. BPDers just do it more often and more intensely, as a way of escaping their unpleasant reality. This is why, in the rare event that a BPDer seeks therapy, one of the first skills that will be taught to her is "mindfulness," i.e., staying in the moment instead of escaping into daydreams.

I guess its kind of messed up on my part. How dumb of me to fall for that crap.

If you really are "dumb," that makes two of us. Or, rather, that makes hundreds of millions of us who are attracted to BPDers. Just how many would that be? Well, a recent large scale study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008) found that 6% of the population have full-blown BPD during their lifetimes. And, because BPDers typically leave a long trail of hurting, bleeding ex-partners, the portion of the population that is "dumb" like us likely is some multiple of 6% of the world's population.

I was always looking to help her because i knew she had issues.

Like you, I am an excessive caregiver. For both of us, it will be most apparent in the way we are attracted to the wounded birds of the world -- the very people that others run screaming from. Being generous and kindhearted, of course, is a good thing. Where we cross the line, however, is that we keep walking right past all the emotionally available women (BORING) until we find one who desperately needs us.

 

It would be a mistake to think that the BPDer women are hunting US down. Rather, we go looking for them. Or, more accurately, we go looking for vulnerability -- which is "catnip" to us. We can spot it across a crowded room. Of course, the people who are masters at projecting vulnerability are all the great actors and actresses. Marilyn Monroe -- perhaps the most beloved screen actress of all time -- was so good at it that her vulnerability practically jumps off the screen. Not surprisingly, she is widely believed to have suffered from BPD.

The reason i am so attached to her is because she needed me. For over a year i guess i got off on the fact there was a sense of her needing me.

As I understand it, Jay, our problem is not that we want to be needed. Everyone wants that. Rather, our problem is that our desire to be NEEDED (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be LOVED (for the men we already are). The best explanation I've seen of how we got to be this way in our childhoods is Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. If you decide to read it, please be patient. The farther you go into that article, the better it is.

She'd tell me how her ex boyfriend was abusive towards her, and hit her. Well i think that is bullcrap now, and she was lying about that.

Perhaps so. Yet, if she really does have strong BPD traits, she likely sincerely believes the outrageous accusations she makes about her exBF. And she likely will be absolutely convinced she is right when making similar accusations about you. Like any other group of people, BPDers are, for the most part, good people with good morals. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. That instability distorts their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations, leading them to mistakenly respond with bad -- oftentimes very mean and vindictive -- behaviors.

 

Keep in mind that, because a BPDer's emotional development is frozen at about age 3 or 4, she is stuck using only the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These primitive defenses include projection, black-white thinking, temper tantrums, and lying (denial).

 

Lying is at the bottom of the list -- being the BPDer's least favorite option -- because lying is done consciously, thereby always producing much guilt. For a person who is filled with self loathing and has been carrying enormous shame inside since early childhood, anything that makes her feel shame -- as lying is certain to do -- is extremely painful.

 

My experience, then, is that a BPDer typically will resort to lying only as a last resort -- when you have her cornered and admitting the truth would be far too painful (more painful even than feeling the shame of being a liar). BPDers generally do not have to resort to lying, however. Their defense mechanism of choice -- projection -- usually protects their fragile ego by shielding them from seeing too much of reality.

 

The beauty of projection as an ego defense is that it works entirely at the SUBCONSCIOUS level, thereby allowing the conscious mind to actually believe the absolute nonsense coming out of her mouth. Importantly, this means that projection is GUILT FREE, making it a far superior ego defense to lying.

 

The result is that a BPDer will say -- with great sincerity and conviction -- things that are so absurd that you will absolutely marvel that any adult can say such a thing while holding a straight face. Although such false accusations cannot even pass the laugh test if one stops to scrutinize them intellectually, the BPDer does not apply that test. When a BPDer experiences intense feelings, she does not intellectually challenge those feelings. Instead, she "splits off" the logical adult part of her mind and makes you deal, instead, with the intuitive child part of her mind.

 

This is why, when you are trying to discuss a sensitive subject, you are always left trying to reason or compromise with a four year old. She does not permit you to engage the logical adult in her mind. And this is why the vast majority of her absurdities likely are projections, not lies. And this is why, if she tries to get you arrested on a bogus charge of abusing her, the police will find her to be very persuasive. They will be able to see that she sincerely believes the allegations.

 

Moreover, because BPDers generally are excellent actors, it is difficult to distinguish between the lies and projections. With my BPDer exW, for example, I learned early on that I would drive myself crazy if I tried to tease apart the lies from the projections. This, at least, has been my experience, Jay.

And now im scared shes going to tell people i did that kind of thing to her.

If she is a BPDer, you almost certainly can count on it happening. And you should count on losing most, if not all, of your common "friends." Because they typically never see the dark side of a high functioning BPDer, those casual friends cannot imagine that she would say things that are blatantly untrue. Part of her motivation, of course, will be simple vindictiveness.

 

The primary motivation, however, likely will be her incessant need to "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Because her self image is so fragile and unstable, she desperately needs continual validation of that false image (the closest thing she has to a real self image). This means you are allowed to play only two roles if you don't want her to walk out. One role is "The Savior," which you were allowed to play during the courtship. The implication of your playing that role, of course, is that she is "The Victim" being saved.

 

Yet, when her infatuation fades, she no longer can perceive of you as her savior -- except for occasional periods that become increasingly scarce. The only role that is left, then, is you being "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of every her misfortune. In that role, you again return to validating her false self image of being the eternal victim. When you divorce her, of course, you get promoted to being "THE PERPETRATOR" in large caps.

 

Moreover, there is a very good chance she will have you arrested and thrown into jail on a bogus charge -- as I and millions of other partners have been -- so her role as "The Victim" becomes permanently enshrined. Hence, if she only tells her friends that you abused her, consider yourself lucky. Very lucky, indeed.

Never ignored me for this long though, im starting to find it a little humorous, but its like i cant help but still want to help her.

Actually, you CAN help yourself by stopping your futile efforts to help her. It is foolish to try to save a woman who really does not want to be "saved." Rather, she wants to create the drama she needs to validate her false self image of being the victim. I therefore suggest you read Codependent No More. It explains how to establish strong personal boundaries and how to enforce them.

the next guy she dates, he'll end up getting the good her, while i got burned.

There is no such thing as "the good her." Like all of us, she is a bundle of both good and bad features and characteristics. We caregivers tend to quickly lose sight of that, however. We mistakenly think we are seeing the "real her" when she is "splitting us white" and seeing an aberration when she is "splitting us black." This is why we fall into the trap of thinking that, if we can only figure out how to fix things, we can restore her to that wonderful person (i.e., the "good her") we saw at the beginning.

 

This seems to be the primary reason that we caregivers remain in these toxic relationships for years and years -- 15 in my case -- until the BPDer walks away from us. We mistakenly believe we can restore the BPDer to her true self -- not realizing that the unstable, fractured personality we are seeing is exactly that. Hence, we typically never leave. Instead, the BPDers typically leave after 12-15 years because, as the years go by, they become increasingly resentful of our inability to make them happy (an impossible task). And they become increasingly fearful of abandonment as they see their bodies aging.