ataloss8270 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 OK, I get what your saying. Do you feel that agreeing with whatever they want to do also applies to her saying "I want to be friends because I really like the way we are right now"? Because I'm not sure. I do agree with her about the way we are right now, we have had more laughs in the last week than we have had in a year. Until I brought up us last night after dropping off my son from an event me and him went to and talking for about 15 minutes, she asked me to leave. Which I did right away, instead of argueing my point like I use to. Its just hard for me to talk to her without saying I love you, but I feel if I go NC that I will lose her completely. And I know it will take a long time for me to build her trust again. I know she loves me. I also feel I made a mistake last night when we were talking about her filing, she made a comment that she may just file for legal separation. And I told her if she was going to file just file for divorce because we should just get it done and over with in one shot instead of spending the money to file twice. But it made me think when I left. She told me I need to stop thinking that we are going to get back together, and she is happy being "single" right now. But why would she rather file for legal separation instead of divorce if she was done. But once again I am reading into crap that is being thrown my way. I know I must make my own path in life that parallels hers, because we do have kids together. And hope that someday she can change her opinion that people don't change. I even said to her "the first time we split up I change, but change doesn't last forever. But this time I am growing as a person and when you grow you never go back". I know that she may not be expressing her true feelings right now, because she may feel I'm trying to manipulate her. But I know she's thinking. I know we must keep eachother active in our kids lives as well. I'm just having a hard time with it all. And I don't feel going NC and not being able to do things together as a family right now is the best thing for our kids.
Author aMguilts Posted January 11, 2013 Author Posted January 11, 2013 OK, I get what your saying. Do you feel that agreeing with whatever they want to do also applies to her saying "I want to be friends because I really like the way we are right now"? Because I'm not sure. I do agree with her about the way we are right now, we have had more laughs in the last week than we have had in a year. Until I brought up us last night after dropping off my son from an event me and him went to and talking for about 15 minutes, she asked me to leave. Which I did right away, instead of argueing my point like I use to. Its just hard for me to talk to her without saying I love you, but I feel if I go NC that I will lose her completely. And I know it will take a long time for me to build her trust again. I know she loves me. I also feel I made a mistake last night when we were talking about her filing, she made a comment that she may just file for legal separation. And I told her if she was going to file just file for divorce because we should just get it done and over with in one shot instead of spending the money to file twice. But it made me think when I left. She told me I need to stop thinking that we are going to get back together, and she is happy being "single" right now. But why would she rather file for legal separation instead of divorce if she was done. But once again I am reading into crap that is being thrown my way. I know I must make my own path in life that parallels hers, because we do have kids together. And hope that someday she can change her opinion that people don't change. I even said to her "the first time we split up I change, but change doesn't last forever. But this time I am growing as a person and when you grow you never go back". I know that she may not be expressing her true feelings right now, because she may feel I'm trying to manipulate her. But I know she's thinking. I know we must keep eachother active in our kids lives as well. I'm just having a hard time with it all. And I don't feel going NC and not being able to do things together as a family right now is the best thing for our kids. Hey ataloss8270 ok in bold from top to bottom. Yes agree with everything she says , happilly and sincerely. She wants to be `just friends` . smile and say " i agree, we can`t be anything more than that but i`m pleased that we can at least remain friends" Don`t talk about the relationship as it is now, the past or the future. There`s no point, she will either say something you don`t want to hear or she will lie to you. "she made a comment that she may just file for legal separation" She made a comment that she MAY just do this or do that. So what? Again agree "ok hunny, If you think thats the best way forward", smile then drop it, FOREVER She`s right. You really do need to stop thinking that your going to get back together. If anything , think the opposite. And hope that someday she can change her opinion that people don't change This is up to you. People CAN change if they want to. You saying to her " i can change, let me proove it to you?" is a big big no no!! Actions speak louder than words. GEt your head round changing yourself, then she won`t need to hear that you can change, she will see it for herself. Talking about changing is a way of manipulating her. So is talking about the past or the future. Unknowingly, you are trying to put thoughts in her head and trying to make her see that she is making a big mistake. NO. Again, Your actions and interactions will say, no scream, a lot more than anything you can ever say to her. And don`t ever go NC ( well you can`t anyway, you have kids together) But stop ALL contact, until she contacts you, and even then don`t reply straight away, give it a few hours. I guess every relationship is different, there is NO guarantee that anything works with getting someone back thou. Best thing in all situations is to look after yourself and put you own well being above others. Hope this helps aM
ataloss8270 Posted January 12, 2013 Posted January 12, 2013 I agree with both you and my wife that I must stop believing that we can reconcile, and just to understand that if it happens then it happens. If not I'm still living my life the way I need to, to be happy. I believe that I'm hitting point that it doesn't really matter to me which way we go, I'm not saying I don't love her but if she doesn't want to be with me than all I can do is live life and move on. I've already started to act happy when I'm around her, I'm not 100% there yet but I know its coming. And she's agreeing to spend time as a family on my terms, which I see as a plus for my kids. I'm a firm believe they need us both. So I see those things as a plus. I am actually going to fix a picture frame at her house and hang it the right way because she didn't put it up right and it fell. And she showed it to me he other day, and I know she was asking me to fix it without actually asking. I'm going to do it as a surprise the next time I go over there. I know it will take a lot of small acts to start to improve my image to her. But I'm going to keep moving forward on my own path of improvement while I do these things for her. I'm not planning on getting in a relationship for a while till I get my issues under control anyways, so I am just going to work on me and my image to her and put all relationship BS behind me for a while. I have nothing but time right now anyways lol.
Author aMguilts Posted January 13, 2013 Author Posted January 13, 2013 I agree with both you and my wife that I must stop believing that we can reconcile, and just to understand that if it happens then it happens. If not I'm still living my life the way I need to, to be happy. I believe that I'm hitting point that it doesn't really matter to me which way we go, I'm not saying I don't love her but if she doesn't want to be with me than all I can do is live life and move on. I've already started to act happy when I'm around her, I'm not 100% there yet but I know its coming. And she's agreeing to spend time as a family on my terms, which I see as a plus for my kids. I'm a firm believe they need us both. So I see those things as a plus. I am actually going to fix a picture frame at her house and hang it the right way because she didn't put it up right and it fell. And she showed it to me he other day, and I know she was asking me to fix it without actually asking. I'm going to do it as a surprise the next time I go over there. I know it will take a lot of small acts to start to improve my image to her. But I'm going to keep moving forward on my own path of improvement while I do these things for her. I'm not planning on getting in a relationship for a while till I get my issues under control anyways, so I am just going to work on me and my image to her and put all relationship BS behind me for a while. I have nothing but time right now anyways lol. ataloss8270 You are still putting her above you. Don`t fix the picture, let her frigging do it!!! You are missing my point. She can fix her own picture, What you should be working on is your own picture. Don`t work on your image for her, do it for YOU. Get this in your head. There`s only you. Stop doing things for her. Have some self respect or she will just walk all over you. Respect yourself, if you can`t right now work on that. Stop doing things for her. Start doing things for you. aM
ataloss8270 Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Believe me I understand that working on myself, my self-esteem, and self respect is #1 on my priority list. I am working on all those things. I am reading books that my councler had suggestet to me. And only a little bit at a time, so I can reflect on what I have reed. I have started to update my wordrobe, and I'm doing some exercises with my wii fit every night, because with the way our work schedules are I don't have time to go to the gym. And hanging out with friends and trying to make new friends. All for me, with no other motive other than to improve myself. But I do at the same time want to try and save my marriage if possible. As for the picture I want to fix it because it is a huge collage of our family, and her and I put alot of time and effort into making it going threw hundreds of photos, and it actually has alot of sentimental value for me as well. But I know I need to stop trying to improve my image for her and do it for myself. Today we spend the afternoon together as a family. I reed your last post earlier today before she came over, and thought about a book I'm reading about controlling your subconscious and to find the natural you behind all the BS in your own head. So I decided to take the advise from the book and you and stop trying to force something I'm not when I'm around her. I left all relationship BS out of my mind, and we actually had a great time with me just being me, nothing force and nothing faked. It was almost like it was when we first got together. We had better conversations and laughed hard than we have in years. So I came to the conclusion after she left for work that I am just going to be the natural me from now on. She can take it or leave it. And if she leaves it then I'm going to find someone that will accept me for who I am not who I try to be. Edited January 14, 2013 by ataloss8270
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