My place

[aMguilts]

Which i`m not in a very good one.

 

I`m struggling to come to terms with everything that is going on in my life and my head at the same time.

I`m not going to bore you all with my past.I can`t change that, neither can you.

So what then?

 

I am in a bad place again( not for the 1st time in my life)

 

I struggle to keep on top of my depression. I am in NC with my wife. My choice. But i miss her so much.

I left her because i just want her to be happy and i know she never will be with me.

I`ve always been open and communicative with her. and sometimes that has made it worse.

She will always be there for me but i can`t and won`t put her through anymore pain.

I love her to death. i always will

 

I found out the other day that she has been seeing someone( we separated 9 months ago) and i really want to happy for her, but i can`t

I knew this time would come but it just hurts so much.

 

not asking for advice. I know that this will pass.

I just need to vent how i feel.

thank you

 

aM

[bvelvet]

I'm sorry for your pain right now. May I ask do you hope for reconciliation or you truly wish to not be together with her?

[aMguilts]

I'm sorry for your pain right now. May I ask do you hope for reconciliation or you truly wish to not be together with her?

 

hi bvelvet

Thank you for replying.

 

I would love to be together again with my wife. Like i said i miss her so much.

 

There is no hope of reconciliation. Not while i am the way i am.

She is better off without me. I will always be me. I`ve gotten as much help as i can get. I`ve always been truful with her, with wjhat i`m going through, i guess she thought that would change when we got married, that somehow she`d `fix` it. It didn`t.

The greatest pain of all is that i shouldn`t of married her. She is the most gorgeous and loving person i have ever met.

 

i just want her to be happy. I just wish i could be the one that made her happy.

 

aM

[Yasuandio]

wELL wHAT'S wRONG wITH U rOMEO? yAS

[aMguilts]

wELL wHAT'S wRONG wITH U rOMEO? yAS

 

hi yas.

 

I`m me

 

aM

[Yasuandio]

well, is that working 4 u? Y

[aMguilts]

I`m high maintenece, i think out of most ppl`s perceptions on what should be

i`m not perfect, i am perfect.I have suicical thoughts most of the day. I`m always right. I`m always wrong. I`m doingthe utmost to get on with my life.

I`m doing nothing toi get on with my l;ife.

I have been up 11 hours now and i`m still not dressed or shaved

I`m OK with that(in a a way)

I`m not trying to justify my living, i am trying to justify my living

 

i`m just me

where the hell romeo came from i wil never or care to know

aM

[aMguilts]

well, is that working 4 u? Y

 

NO!!!

 

its either that or i just give up

[aMguilts]

and i`m more than that . Stop trying to say to me something i haven`t already heard a million times already?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

i am un fxable ok?

 

i`m 42

 

like i said i`m not looking for any advice.

 

aM

[jaymz]

like i said i`m not looking for any advice.

 

Just want to be heard?

 

Write it out.

[aMguilts]

NO

 

aM

[aMguilts]

with respect jaymz

you are the last person on here to give me advice

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Just want to be heard?

 

Write it out.

i `wrote` it out

[aMguilts]

again i`m not looking for clarification , or to be `heard`

 

jeeez

aM

[jaymz]

with respect jaymz

you are the last person on here to give me advice

 

aM

 

Fair enough. Hope you find what you are looking for

[bvelvet]

hi bvelvet

Thank you for replying.

 

I would love to be together again with my wife. Like i said i miss her so much.

 

There is no hope of reconciliation. Not while i am the way i am.

She is better off without me. I will always be me. I`ve gotten as much help as i can get. I`ve always been truful with her, with wjhat i`m going through, i guess she thought that would change when we got married, that somehow she`d `fix` it. It didn`t.

The greatest pain of all is that i shouldn`t of married her. She is the most gorgeous and loving person i have ever met.

 

i just want her to be happy. I just wish i could be the one that made her happy.

 

aM

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I know you aren't looking for any particular response from your post. I know one thing though... My wife is not better off without me and I doubt ever will be.

[cheerfuldoer]

aM,

 

I know you are just thinking out loud, but I want you to see what I see.

 

Your wife is living her life, enjoying herself, thinking of herself, living for herself.

 

You are living for her.

 

Live for yourself, not your wife. If you want to win her back, be strong, be confident. Take a shower, take a walk, put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

 

I don't know you or your wife or your situation, but if you want to win her back, being sad and not taking care of yourself isn't going to help. Be amazing, let her see that she is the one who lost out on something great.

[aMguilts]

Fair enough. Hope you find what you are looking for

 

hey jaymz

 

Again i need to apologise to you. I really didn`t mean that. The fog of what i`ve been going through the last week sometimes get`s the better of me and i always end up having to apologise to someone or another.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

aM

[aMguilts]

aM,

 

I know you are just thinking out loud, but I want you to see what I see.

 

Your wife is living her life, enjoying herself, thinking of herself, living for herself.

 

You are living for her.

 

Live for yourself, not your wife. If you want to win her back, be strong, be confident. Take a shower, take a walk, put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

 

I don't know you or your wife or your situation, but if you want to win her back, being sad and not taking care of yourself isn't going to help. Be amazing, let her see that she is the one who lost out on something great.

 

Hi cheerfuldoer.

 

You are partly right in a way. I`m not living for her. I`ve let her go. She IS better off without me and i wish nothing but happiness for her.

 

Yes i must start living for myself. Sometimes my disease gets the better of me and all i want to do is go in a corner and rot.

 

I`m a lot stonger than i used to be, but your right, i am doing nothing to improve my situation

 

Thank you for replying

aM

[aMguilts]

Today was a better day for me.

I hate seeing the aftermath of my views when i am in my low though:(

Hate me when i`m in that hole. Hard to explain. Everything little thing is just too much too bear.

The postman was at the door when i was going out 2 days ago, he said morning. I looked at him and said `what`s ****ing good about it?`

 

I don`t remember any of this. He knows me thou and told me about it today.

I`m just glad he knows me. A lot would have taken it the wrong way.

 

He still gave me that look i`ve seen so often thou.

One of pity/pull yourself together/sadness/grow up/what the hells wrong with you

one of them looks, the looks i don`t need.

But then again, he didn`t need the things i said to him either.

 

I`m not going to try and explain what its like.

I`m me you are you.

 

i think i`ve gone through the last few days and said sorry.

if i missed anyone, i`m sorry.

 

aM

[bvelvet]

Glad it was a better day. I'm curious about your condition. This was something you had before you were married?

[aMguilts]

Glad it was a better day. I'm curious about your condition. This was something you had before you were married?

 

hi bvelvet.

 

This is something i`ve been battling with most of my life. Diagnosed 12 years ago. I told my wife right from the start about it. Its hard because she thought that she`d be able to make me `better`. Doesn`t work like that i`m afraid thou. She did her best for so long, but in the end she was just drained from trying.

 

I`ve actually resigned myself to being alone which as i speaks hurts like hell. I will always love her. I can`t even think about being with someone else .

Thank you for replying.

 

aM

[ataloss8270]

Hey aM, I'm not trying to give myself hope of anything, but I've just read this thread of your and alot of what you say is kinda the way I think. I am just wondering how long have you and your wife been separated and what kind of things have you done to improve yourself and your image to your wife.

 

I was talking to my wife today about us and she pretty much said we were done. I ask if she filed for divorce and she said no, but she has to within the next year if she wants to keep her apartment. And that she cares for me, but doesn't love me but she did at one time. And she is afraid of being trapped by me again I'm not trying to read into all that. But the thing that caught my attention was she said she really enjoys the way we are right now. So I don't know. I know I need to live my life as if we are not getting back together. So I am going to back off from all questions regarding us from now on.

 

I dont mean to pry into your story. I just really respect your posts and the way you think. But I'm kinda confused by your threads, on said you've been separated for 6 weeks and another said 9 months. One said you stayed in constant contacted, another said you were NC. from what I've read in your post you seem to have the same frame of mind as me and I'm just wondering how you went about reconciling? Did she approach you about it or did you ask her where she was. Like I said though I don't mean to to pry its your business and is you don't want to answer I understand.

[aMguilts]

Hey aM, I'm not trying to give myself hope of anything, but I've just read this thread of your and alot of what you say is kinda the way I think. I am just wondering how long have you and your wife been separated and what kind of things have you done to improve yourself and your image to your wife.

 

I was talking to my wife today about us and she pretty much said we were done. I ask if she filed for divorce and she said no, but she has to within the next year if she wants to keep her apartment. And that she cares for me, but doesn't love me but she did at one time. And she is afraid of being trapped by me again I'm not trying to read into all that. But the thing that caught my attention was she said she really enjoys the way we are right now. So I don't know. I know I need to live my life as if we are not getting back together. So I am going to back off from all questions regarding us from now on.

 

I dont mean to pry into your story. I just really respect your posts and the way you think. But I'm kinda confused by your threads, on said you've been separated for 6 weeks and another said 9 months. One said you stayed in constant contacted, another said you were NC. from what I've read in your post you seem to have the same frame of mind as me and I'm just wondering how you went about reconciling? Did she approach you about it or did you ask her where she was. Like I said though I don't mean to to pry its your business and is you don't want to answer I understand.

 

hey ataloss

 

no problem at all

 

We (wife and I) have been living apart for over a year now . During that time we were still on and off ( hence maybe the 9 months , 6 weeks thing)

I kept on doing stupid things, pushing her away, never listening to her etc and everytime i done something stupid she`d always take me back.

Untill the end of november when she said she couldn`t take anymore and that was my final chance. She went to a solicitor about getting a divorce.

 

What did i do?

I agreed with her.

By this time i was pretty tired of it all too and said that divorce was probably the best for both of us and i said i wouldn`t contest it in any way..

 

Then i broke all contact and started getting on with my life. Started going out again, and actually started to smile again

I stopped doing all the `bad` things and started looking after myself. I spent every spare minute reading about improoving ( On here a lot ).

 

I have 3 a4 pads of notes to myself and things that i thought were really sound and good advice and i read them almost everyday.

 

The biggest advice that i can give you, well anyone, Is to make sure that YOU are happy, and if your not, act it. Noone likes to be around a miserable person, someone that is always moaning or complaining. It`s draining! ( i should know, i drain myself everyday!!)

 

Also whatever your partner wants, agree and be happy with that too.

They want a divorce? Agree with it and be happy about it. Do this and you immediately put something in their head that maybe they aren`t doing the right thing after all

 

aM