Ex contacts me out of nowhere - I'm a bit angry :)

[spaniard]

Hi,

 

No contact since July 22. Lately I've started to feel that I'm completely over her. I have met new girls, I have rebuilt my shaken self-confidence and overall I have been doing fine. I have been even sort of happy.

 

And out of nowhere she contacts me on FB. I tried to translate it as exactly as I could:

 

"I can't hold myself back, I'm sorry Don't reply, if you don't want to... but I'm curious how you're doing, school, work, parties, football and your knee etc. :o"

 

WHY.

 

Why can't she just leave me alone?

 

I'm ****ing annoyed right now.

 

UPDATE:

 

Ok, I calmed down. I'm not gonna reply her, or at least not now. Maybe a few days later, I've got a lot of more important things to do.

Edited November 22, 2012 by spaniard

[Renard99]

I think there are three ways to handle this based on what I've seen here on LS.

 

Number 1 is to not reply at all and ignore it.

 

Number 2 is the one I favour (I'm too polite) which is a short, sharp, but polite 'Thanks for the message but please don't contact me again'

 

Number 3 is the less polite version of number 2..... i.e 'F*** OFF'

 

Which one your choose is personal preference but, give yourself a while, like you are, in order to be in your best frame of mind when you do chose.

[spaniard]

Yeah, unfortunately I tend to be too polite as well, so Number 2 is what I'm gonna do. But as I'm not interested in any of her stuff, I'm not gonna ask anything.

[frederickkk]

holy **** spaniard you were giving me advice not so long ago, wonder if my bitch will do the same to me.

[not-a-drive-by]

It really seems like ex's have a sixth sense or whatnot which detects when we start to move on. Their timing is usually pretty good and unfortunately, sets us back. Or maybe just enough time has settled and they feel it is okay to make contact again. Still kind of waiting for that day...

 

Back to your post, if you aren't interested in a friendship, you could probably just let her know that you are doing fine, and thanks for asking. And leave it at that without asking her how she is doing. If you are, then do the opposite, and open lines of communication. I like how you took the time to calm down though. These things usually throw people off.

[Exit]

Heh... this thread made me laugh.

 

WHY THE $!@%& WOULD ME EX CONTACT ME?!?!! DAMMIT IT!!!!! UGH!!!!

Yeah... but I'm polite.... so I'll probably answer.

 

Uh... what?

 

Don't act so upset about it if you're going to engage in a conversation with her anyway. You're trying to act like it bothers you, but the fact that you think you're going to answer her kind of gives away the fact that you're probably happy you heard from her.

 

Oh, and your whole "I'm polite" thing kind of goes out the window when you say you're going to reply and answer her questions about you, but not ask her anything about herself. That doesn't exactly scream polite.

 

She gave you an option not to answer. If you really want to get over her, you could not answer. Being polite is just an excuse for breaking NC. Try being polite to yourself and polite to all the effort you've put into healing and moving on by not betraying it all now. Why is being polite to her more important than being polite to yourself and not going through the torture of talking to an ex?

 

And I'll add what I tell everyone else, stop getting mad that an ex contacted you when every form of contact on the planet today allows us to block people. You could set your Facebook up to not accept messages from people unless they are on your friends list (and she better not be on your F'n friends list), or you could just block her specifically, there are numerous ways you could have prevented this contact from happening. But we like to play victim and leave the door wide open for our exes to contact us so we can act all upset when it happens. Kind of foolish.

[spaniard]

Heh... this thread made me laugh.

 

yadda yadda

 

There are some obvious truth in your post, but it's a little more complicated than that.

 

I didn't block her on FB, I found it unnecessary as I didn't stalk her or the mutual friends. After the break up, I deleted her immediately but yes, I left the gate open because I wanted to give her an opportunity to contact me if she changed her mind. Later when days passed by without me even thinking of her, blocking her on FB or e-mail didn't even occur to me (why should it have?). Especially not after months of NC.

 

And yes, I'm not happy about the fact that she contacted me. I went through the darkest months all alone. I did almost everything by the book. Never begged to her, never contacted her after the break up, although it took an EXTREME amount of self-control. I'm proud of myself because I could do it, my self-confidence might be shaken but my dignity remained intact, I never showed weakness in front of her and this whole break-up showed exactly what I'm made of. This may sound egoistic, but five years ago in a strikingly similar situation I collapsed like a house of cards and this time I turned all the sorrow and pain into motivation that has honestly changed my life. I'm much stronger both physically and mentally, I'm healthier than anytime before and it makes me bloody proud.

 

The fact that she contacted me wasn't a setback for me. It was just annoying. Her letter in my inbox folder is like finding a dead body in your apartment (not the best metaphor, I guess). It shouldn't be there and you have to do something with it.

 

It's quite hard to explain this whole situation. My life has changed so much since the break up that I'm not the same person that I was. I started a skydiving course, I have met a whole lot of new people, I started working out and changed my eating habits to live more healthily, I'm doing great at the university and at work. Before the break up I didn't even know how to cook (ok, I'm a 24 year old guy, not a big surprise), and now I cook for myself every day and sometimes it's even eatable, haha.

 

So I've got achievements. Before the break up I focused on being a good boyfriend, now I have time to focus on being a better man.

 

And I moved on. I don't care about what she does, I'm not interested. But my ego wants me to reply to her message. Because it would be a funny little game to see where she is now and where I am.

 

And I'm not angry at her. I know she wrote me because she still cares about me. I know she is not a bad person. She likes to help others just like me.

 

However, a part of me says that it's not a good idea to reply. What if those feelings return? Is it worth the risk?

 

I hope you can notice that I'm quite struggling here to explain myself. It's not love that makes things complicated. It's my own skizophrenic battle in my mind, my ego and my common sense fighting each other.

 

I have always cared about others think about me. I know I shouldn't, but that's just my personality. So yes, if I reply, I'll be polite. And yes, I can ignore the whole letter, and probably that would be the wisest thing to do. I haven't decided it yet. I'll see.

Edited November 23, 2012 by spaniard

[frederickkk]

i guess, if you reply, its weakness. she ****ed you over. remember that.

 

im starting to turn now after alll the things she did to me. im realising no contact is the only way, im close to changing my number. ive deactivated facebook.

 

ive had 2 previous relationships, 1 a 7 year, another a 1 year. ive never been this deeply involved with somebody, and i will never get over her, likewise her. just wont happen.

 

so when she eventually matures, reaches out out of guilt if anything, she can make the effort to PHYSICALLY come and see me. **** the texts and emails, she knows where I live.

 

Ignore that email / facebook message. Let her stew in it.

 

If she sends another, tell her straight "if you would like to talk to me, come see me in person."

 

make it on YOUR terms, not hers. Bitch. Remember that selfishness. I only say this, because you told me to MAN UP, and this has been part of my process. IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

Edited November 23, 2012 by frederickkk

[spaniard]

i guess, if you reply, its weakness. she ****ed you over. remember that.

 

etc

 

Wow, frederickkk, you have really made a GREAT progress since I last saw you here. You'll be surprised but I was thinking about how you're doing because it seemed you were in some really deep s**t yourself. I'm glad to see that you calmed down and you are on the path to healing. Good job!

[frederickkk]

Wow, frederickkk, you have really made a GREAT progress since I last saw you here. You'll be surprised but I was thinking about how you're doing because it seemed you were in some really deep s**t yourself. I'm glad to see that you calmed down and you are on the path to healing. Good job!

 

in all seriousness though, dont reply. yes, you probably still love her, i still love mine, but get her to physically see you, it will drive her mad no reply, and at that point my friend, you have taken the power back.

[betterdeal]

Probably worth considering blocking her on Facebook & the rest of the ways you can contact each other. Make it a clean break, and make it easier for you to move on with your life.

[spaniard]

Nah, I won't block her. Maybe it would have made sense after the break-up, but now? Not at all. I'm not in love with her, and I have moved on.

[YorickBrown]

I "Liked" what both not-a-drive-by and Exit said...well, some parts of it anyway. Exes that suddenly contact us out of the blue is kinda "annoying" (at least to me) but not really that upsetting as to make me angry or ruin my day.

Yeah, they do have that "uncanny" way I guess of "pulling us back in" (as not-so said) just when we've already...put a semblance of "balance" in our life without them anymore. And Exit is quite correct as with regards to the Facebook stuff...I will even do her one better... I NOT ONLY UNFRIENDED/BLOCKED OFF people... I TOTALLY STOPPED USING FACEBOOK since breaking-up. I know it seems kinda extreme and harsh...and in this day and age...not really practical or perhaps even "possible". But I truly believe now that FACEBOOK is like the new Face or Book of EVIL actually --that can be "used" against you, intentionally or not...<huff> BELIEVE ME...its EVIL!!!! I take it back, Facebook DOES NOT ONLY ruin the rest of my day...its probably going to RUIN me for the rest of my life (and I dont even have one anymore).

 

Did i just rant? im sorry...i dont have FB anymore but some family and friends have and they didn't delete or block my ex and she posted pics of her new baby girl (a close relative just told me) ...The baby could be mine..."hey kiddo, you know what? the baby looks kinda like you (jokingly)" WHAAAAAAT!?!? NOOOOOO.....that's just silly...it's still only a baby, how can it....nah (but my gut feel and nerves are already going haywire....because we just broke-up just a few months ago...<sigh...UGH!!!>...its driving me NUTS again!!! I don't even know why...i havent even seen the baby pictures (coz I don't have FB)...the thought of it is driving me slowly insane. And EVEN with this...I still haven't been driven "raving mad" or to "politely" contact my ex. NC all the way baby.

 

spaniard....DON'T EVEN REPLY at all dude....DELETE THE MESSAGE. DELETE EVERYTHING. DELETE YOUR FACEBOOK. I Don't know how "recovered" you are right now...but believe me somehow, someday...FB will ruin your life. IT's the ANTI-CHRIST!

Edited November 24, 2012 by YorickBrown

[betterdeal]

Nah, I won't block her. Maybe it would have made sense after the break-up, but now? Not at all. I'm not in love with her, and I have moved on.

 

It doesn't make sense to me that you felt upset when she contacted you, but then you say you've moved on. Nor does it make sense to me that you get upset / angry when you hear from her, yet you insist on being connected by Facebook.

 

I'll add that when I read what you said about having just got a semblance of balance in your life only to at that very point have heard from her, I thought, "is this a case of mis-remembering?" Trust me, I've done it myself: I've sworn blind things were just getting better and at that very moment the ex contacted me. It seems too much of a coincidence that so many people come to the same conclusion. Either there is magic in the world, or we're all experiencing a very human, but imperfect quality of our ability to remember. I tend towards the latter explanation.

 

What this all says to me is you are very emotional about her still, and those emotions are suffusing with your ability to perceive, and reason. Again, another very human quality, and one I've experienced lots too. But ask yourself this: if you are over her and have moved on, why were you angry to hear from her, and why do you keep in touch via Facebook? Be very honest with yourself. It's only by being honest with yourself that you can make better choices for your own benefit.

[Sugarkane]

Be careful. Everyone on here seems to think why can't everyone just be civil? Just answer. Well sometimes exes can be really mean and vindictive. I answered to an ex once and regretted it. Got dumped because he wanted to be single and screw around. Yet still blamed me for everything even though I did nothing wrong. So to all the people who attack me on here for not wanting to answer it's because I have a good bloody reason not too.

[lakerman34]

Sup my main man, Spaniard,

 

You are one of my favorites during my short time on this site so far, you have given me some REAL insightful advice, so I'm going to do the same to you:

 

DON'T block her. Put yourself in her shoes. You block her, I think she gets some sort of weird satisfaction that she still affects you.

 

You dated her, so frankly, you probably thought she was awesome and NICE at some point, and I think it's VERY hard to go from having a deep connection with someone to no connection at all, regardless of time. In other words, she's a girl, she's more emotional than us men, so she probably wants SOME sort of relationship with you, probably just as friends. She probably feels terrible for hurting you, but in her eyes it's what needed to be done, but she wants you in her life in SOME capacity, even if it is only someone she FB messages time and time again.

 

I'd respond a week after receipt if I were you. Shows that you are strong enough to respond to her and may make her feel like your over her. Be short and sweet. Just say "I'm doing very well, thank you!" That's it. No details, don't ask her about herself, no 'catching up' BS, because by doing so, you're telling her "HE STILL CARES (maybe if even a little bit)."

 

Then see how she reacts. If she responds with another message, THEN I wouldn't respond.

 

 

IN SHORT: Respond POSITIVELY once (just as long as you know that it won't set you back emotionally), make yourself seem strong and happy, and then NEVER talk to her again (unless she begins spilling her heart out to you and how she made a big mistake, and if you GENUINELY want her back. Then, make her work HARD for it. VERY hard. Balls in your court).

 

Personally, I was feeling so low about my breakup and how the girl kept telling me with tears in her eyes that she loved me, and then 3 weeks later she's making out with another dude that's the POLAR OPPOSITE of me only 10 feet in front of me. I've had some sick thoughts of making her work for it if she wants me back, taking her back, having one night of 'I GET TO DO WHATEVER I WANT' sex with her (in her eyes, this would be apology sex), and then dumping her ass for good.

 

But, then I realized, I'm not a heartless, evil b*tch like she is, I'm actually a decent fellow.

 

NEVER. SHOW. YOUR. EX. WEAKNESS.

 

EDIT: I completely deactivated my Facebook, then blocked it so I can't access it or look at her profile picture. My only vice right now is, although I no longer have a Twitter, I had her URL memorized and sometimes I go on her Twitter to look at THAT profile picture -___- (thank goodness it's private though so I don't have to read her 16 yr old BS about 'being in love' and 'loving her sorority sisters.') I'm in favor of COMPLETELY getting rid of your FB, but if you decide to go this route, I'd wait at least a week or two. Again, don't make her think SHE'S the reason you've deleted your account. It might give her this twisted sort of satisfaction. When I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, my ex made her Twitter private and unfriended all of my friends on Facebook. Out of sight, out of mind, buddy.

 

The other day, I went into my emails b/c I needed to look for a Twitter message from a friend. I found ALL of the correspondence between me and my ex when we were in the honeymoon stage. It put a smile on my face, and made me feel a little bad for about an hour. I know I'm over her because I VERY easily moved on without thinking about it as soon as I finished reading them all. When we first started seeing each other, she stole my favorite hat, brought it to her room, took a picture of her wearing it, and put it as her Twitter default picture. I found that picture, and I saved it onto my computer. When she's COMPLETELY history in my life, I'll have that as my token to remember her as an ex. I want to remember her like that, not as the stupid party ho that she is today. When you're able to see pictures of her or read messages you 2 had together and it doesn't arouse any emotions, I think THAT'S when you know you're completely over her. Sure, sometimes thoughts of 'what could have been' and seeing her new boyfriend and having daydreams about kicking the sh*t out of him may still happen from time to time, but when you FINALLY associate her to negativity and realize that you're just better than her and her new BF can't even tie your shoes, THEN you know she's a thing of the past.

Edited November 25, 2012 by lakerman34

[bpdr]

It really seems like ex's have a sixth sense or whatnot which detects when we start to move on. Their timing is usually pretty good and unfortunately, sets us back.

 

 

Very true.

[bpdr]

When she's COMPLETELY history in my life, I'll have that as my token to remember her as an ex. I want to remember her like that, not as the stupid party ho that she is today. When you're able to see pictures of her or read messages you 2 had together and it doesn't arouse any emotions, I think THAT'S when you know you're completely over her. Sure, sometimes thoughts of 'what could have been' and seeing her new boyfriend and having daydreams about kicking the sh*t out of him may still happen from time to time, but when you FINALLY associate her to negativity and realize that you're just better than her and her new BF can't even tie your shoes, THEN you know she's a thing of the past.

 

BRAVO! Well said.

[The_Face]

I say don't reply at all. What's the point?

 

You clearly don't want to hear anything about her and only want to give her bare-bones responses on what you're doing, so why even waste the time replying to her? Seriously.

 

Block her. And do not reply at all. It serves no purpose, whatsoever. If anything, it'll just open up the lines of communication again. And that's the last thing you should be doing.

 

Again, DO NOT REPLY.

[cavalier99]

Agreed. Deserves no response. You are doing well. Dont F-ck it up out of curiosity even if you feel ready. Serves no purpose. Maybe in a year and dont feel the need to post about a "how are you?" text.

 

Then i say go for it and even have a cup of coffee with her and feel good about it. But right now NC.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cavalier99