Blaming myself for my girlfriend cheating

[Samms22]

So my girlfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago after she admitted to me that she liked another guy, which turned into pecked him on the lips, which turned into made out with which turned into (me finding out) that she slept over at his house. She lied the whole way through about everything, including sending me sweet texts up until she started acting distant and unusual and I called her out. I also found out later that she was sending the guy extremely sexual texts AFTER we "agreed" to work out any issues or problems we were having. I went to her work to get some coffee and lo and behold she is there with the guy. I had to end it, long story short.

 

How and why would this be my fault? Well, I'm looking to these boards for sort of a reality check and some perspective how I can improve and what I did wrong so I can grow as a person. This was my longest relationship (it lasts 9 months, and I'm 22) and I don't know what I can expect in the future.

 

My now EX began by being VERY clingy, like stage 5 clingy, and she's extremely insecure, always needed to be reassured and never seemed to really accept my compliments. She has body issues. I always thought she was beautiful but she never really accepted it. She always texted me first thing in the morning and last at night and as far as I could tell, didn't play push-pull games. BUT she did keep me away from my friends in that sort of immature girly way, like when I would ask to have time off or something she'd say "Noooo pweese don't go. Stay with me" and make a cute face and I'd relent. She practically moved into my parents house and we had a 5 month stretch where she slept over EVERY NIGHT.

 

Fast forward to my guilt. I would make her jealous. On purpose. Intentionally. I don't know why, but she always said I was the most attractive and hot thing ever and she would always tell me that she didn't know why I was with her and she pointed out OTHER girls and said "isn't she hot." This would piss me off because she would always reject me when I reassured her about her good qualities. So sometimes I WOULD make jokes about my friends that were girls, when she would fake-act jealous on purpose when I wanted to go get coffee with another female, I would say "Yeah I might bang her" and roll my eyes. She would usually giggle and playfully stay "stop it" but she never sat me down and told me that this was crushing her.

 

Making her jealous was the worst of my behavior but I thought she found it amusing and I didn't know what it was actually doing. For every jealous joke I made, I did and said 1000 things to tell her that I loved her. Flowers, poetry, jewelery, songs, etc. So I thought we were going on fine.

 

She claims the break up was precipitated when I went to a concert in LA for Halloween. She had spent the entire night with her friends but she was WORRIED about me, constantly texting me and calling me and I would reassure her all night. I went to the concert and got a little bombed, and when I came home I walked through the door and said "I fingered four girls at the concert!" It was a stupid comment, I was a little drunk and I made up for it by apologizing and getting her flowers and telling her I would NEVER cheat on her. The very next day is the first time she kissed the guy she was crushing on. From there everything went down hill and we just started becoming distant. Don't get me wrong, aside from these comments I was a perfect boyfriend. I supported her in every way and NEVER put her down physically emotionally or spiritually, and helped her write and do better in college as well.

 

Now, my questions are these: Do I have some vindication in the fact that she always pretended everything was okay, and she NEVER sat down and talked about her problems and worries with me and showed me a fake personality? Part of me sensed it which could be why I did what I did. I don't know. And she was already doing crafty behind my back when everything was supposedly "okay", going to the gym with guys I was uncomfortable with when she would murder me if I went to the gym with my friends that were girls.

 

Thoughts?

[Emilia]

You are both immature, you should not have played with her insecurities and vulnerabilities the way you did but I suspect one of the reasons why you resorted to silly games because her neediness must have been exhausting.

 

Certainly doesn't excuse the cheating. She isn't ready to be in a relationship, she simply isn't able to handle the trust that's needed for a healthy one, she might be too young or too f**ked up, hard to tell.

 

Date around for a while, try to find a more confident woman, not one that's so fragile that she needs constant external validation.

[Samms22]

Thanks for the response. I'll admit I'm not the most mature person in the world emotionally yet, but I'm trying to grow. As far as playing with her insecurities goes, I would constantly reassure her, like I'm talking probably once per DAY, and yes it got exhausting but I didn't really understand where the exhaustion was coming from. The jealous comments could have been a way to vent my frustration out, but it doesn't excuse them and it IS something I'll be learning from going forward.

 

She had a history of cheating. She cheated on a really "nice" guy for a flimsy reason with a bad boy at a party, kissing him or something ( I didn't push for details ) and began a relationship with him. He physically abused her once and the emotional abuse was almost hard to conceive. She stayed in the relationship because "that's all she felt she deserved." Sort of apathetic and ****ed up. When we met she left a current guy she was dating for 2 weeks because she fell hard for me even though I stopped my advances when I found out she had a boyfriend.

 

I looked past the above because of the adoration and constant ego boosts she'd give me; I thought it was healthy but yes, it WAS exhausting. She was also basically doormat and even when I would ask her what SHE wanted to do, she would always push it back to me.

[Emilia]

Hopefully it's only a phase she is going through. In the meantime hopefully it has taught you what to look for in a girlfriend. Some emotional stability and no cheating would be a start.

[Minka333]

Next time, never underestimate the power of words.

 

People who are clingy and insecure will try to fake being ok when you make them jealous. But deep inside they are seething with rage and distrust. They will feel they aren't good enough thus eroding their self-esteem more and more.

 

She got attention outside which validated her self-worth.

 

I agree with the posters above, you are both still quite immature and you both need to resolve your personal issues separately. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully find a woman with a healthier perception of herself.

[Samms22]

What you're saying, Minka, is very true but if she had said one time, earnestly, that the jealous comments were hurting her there would never have been another one. Don't I have the right to insist that my SO sit down and tell me when problems arise in the relationship instead of secretly locking everything away and pretending it's all okay?

[Emilia]

Don't I have the right to insist that my SO sit down and tell me when problems arise in the relationship instead of secretly locking everything away and pretending it's all okay?

 

You can't just go around doing stuff you know is wrong because your other half isn't pulling you up over it, no.

[Minka333]

The thing is every woman is different. Some will be cool with a little bit of playful jealousy, some will be vocal against it and some will act passive like your gf.

 

You already had an idea she was clingy and possessive so naturally you should've assumed that she won't take your jokes about other women lightly.

 

Anyway, i think all your jokes piled up until she exploded..

 

There was miscommunication on both sides. Her resorting to cheating is not justifiable just because you made her feel jealous. She still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

I guess there's not much you can do but accept what happened and try to move on. If she wants you back then she must prove herself first to regain your trust.

[Emilia]

 

I guess there's not much you can do but accept what happened and try to move on. If she wants you back then she must prove herself first to regain your trust.

 

I don't think you should take her back OP. She isn't emotionally healthy and the two of you are not a good match.

[Samms22]

Thank you both again for the responses. Minka, you're correct that I should have assumed that because of her extreme neediness and possessive nature, I should have laid off on the jokes. I made lots of them. I felt VERY guilty but I'm healing and just trying to refocus myself and become a better person. I guess I had sort of a lacking knowledge about woman and people in general and over the past 9 months grew out of a sort of self-centeredness, not narcissism, but a lack of empathy.

 

You're also uncannily correct about her exploding because of the accumulation of the jokes. That is also my assessment. Although she is also guilty of saying hurtful things, it's more of her pathological lying and inability to confront truth and situations that hurt me from time to time. I'm able to move on and focus when things hurt me, which again differentiates my mindset from hers.

 

One of the things that you guys should also know is I didn't trust my gut. You don't even understand HOW needy and clingy she was; words can't. I found it endearing because of a lack of experience dating, and partly due to convenience and ego. Anyways, her insecurity lead me to the fear that ANY guy who hit on her or gave her positive attention would receive some back from her and she would be looking at any guy for attention: thus, cheating would come naturally. I turned out to be correct in a way.

 

Another facet of the jealousy game was that she actually at times told me not to stop: to continue to do so because it was "who I was." She also said that it was good that I did it because she wouldn't get "bored" with the relationship. I've stayed up late on many nights asking myself why I continued to play that card, and those are the reasons I came up with. Emilia is right, however, I knew it was wrong and I've been at the receiving end of intentional jealousy. It hurts.

 

No worries on me taking her back. The break-up was horrible. I mishandled it in ways I won't go into here, including saying things that I didn't mean that were aimed to hurt, mostly because I've never dealt with a cheater before and it was such a shock., However, Emilia is correct, we aren't a good match, and only the hindsight now provided by spending more time on myself and with friends has shown me that. I need someone who is confident and can hold her own in a relationship.

[Hopeful714]

Don't ever do that again. Words and comments like yours hurt more than you will ever know. You were "hitting below the belt" so to speak.

 

She will recall the things you said to her forever. And they will be scarring. If she was insecure to begin with, the things you said just magnified it 1000x.

 

And yes, these things do tend to get held inside for a long time and build up until someone explodes. It happened to me.

 

She was most likely afraid to sit you down and tell you what was bothering her. It's not always easy to approach those subjects and she most likely felt that if she did with you she would be met with more hurtful comments and ridicule.

[CptSaveAho]

People are full of crap in this thread...

 

The jealousy thing she started, you just rolled with it, theres nothing wrong with it. She laughed. Its over

 

You dated an insecure piece of crap with a history of cheating thats the only thing you are guilty of. Not only that but not giving her single time from her last relationship. She was a monkey that jumps from one branch to another and cant be alone.

 

FYI dont buy a girl flowers when shes mad at you for going to a concert. You were out having fun, doing your own thing, she needs to suck that up.

Edited November 22, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[Chi townD]

Well, her cheating on you wasn't your fault. She made a choice and went with it. You didn't ask to be cheated on. HOWEVER!!!

 

Obviously, she is a very insecure girl with some self esteem issues and you make it a point to make her jealous with comments like, "I fingered four girls!" or "I'd bang her.." Come on, really dude? She might have been laughing on the outside but dying on the inside with comments like that. With comments like that probably made her think that you never took her or the relationship seriously at all and that you were just cooling your heel with her until something better comes along. She probably thought that your weren't invested in the relationship at all. That you could take her or leave her; makes no difference to you. So, I don't blame her too much.

 

You need to learn that a girl wants to be made to feel special. You need to learn that a girl needs to feel loved. You need to learn that a girl need to have some reassurance once in a while through small little gestures of affection and it really doesn't take a lot of effort on your part. Sometimes the smallest gestures have the biggest impact. You need to learn that a girl wants to feel like she is first in your heart. You need to learn that a girl needs to know that you are dedicated to her and the relationship. If you learn at least some of those things, you'll find a girl that is equally dedicated to you and she'll return your affections as well if not more so. You'll learn that you'll have a girl that will stand by your side through anything and will go to the very gates of hell for you.

 

Dude, you got a lot to learn.....

[Samms22]

Would it change your view of the matter to know that for every jealous joke that she giggled at without telling me it hurt her, I did 1000 things to appreciate and show my love to her? I get what you're saying but when I'm there in every possible way except for a few jokes about other girls I think that's sort of good? I mean, no one is perfect. It will be something I'm going to work on in the future though.

 

And CptSave you're right. Everytime I would go out and do my own thing, or even mention doing it, she would freak out and go clingy.

[CptSaveAho]

Yup the jealousy problem wasnt the issue, it was her overall insecurity. You could have been James Bond and the same thing would have happened

[Samms22]

That's sort of what I figured. She was such a vacuum for attention and reassurance it just exhausted me and I had a feeling that the next guy to go and show her any sort of positive attention would immediately have her salivating. I was hoping I was wrong but I guess I was being intentionally native so I could enjoy having someone so enamored with me.

 

Does anyone else have input on this?