orli_girl16 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Okay, question. This is a rather long story cut very short. I've been with my now fiance for three years. He is the only man I've ever been intimate with and the only man that I've ever cared about. I have a male friend I work with who is polyamorous and it's interesting to think about- I have a great connection with him, he is easy to talk to, very sweet and reminds me of my fiance when we were first together. Herein lies the issue- I asked for my fiance's permission to pursue this for a "one time deal". As I've never been with any other man, and there are things I'd like to try sexually that my fiance is uncomfortable with and I WILL NOT push him to do those things, I'd like to experience the other side. I've made it completely clear, I am not lying or keeping secrets, I enjoy the company of both, and reassured my fiance that I do love him and I will marry him. He gave me that permission. Even with his permission I still feel like I'm.... not doing anything wrong, but that I'm taking two people for granted I guess. I do have some feelings for the guy I work with but I believe those stem from how much he reminds me of my fiance (also the fact that my fiance and I are going through a dry spell/rough patch). Is there anything I should be aware of, or anything I should do with this that I may not already be doing? It doesn't feel like I'm cheating in the slightest, and i've been the "other woman" on that side of things before without knowing it until it was almost too late. I'm not going through that emotional trauma again. At least with poly I can be open and honest. Any thoughts would help, as long as they are not completely judgmental and calling me a terrible person. Keep it classy.
Alan7388 Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 There's no rush. You can take your time with this, and use the time to develop the level of communication with your mate to the point that you're both in the habit of comfortably, safely telling all about your thoughts and feelings and little daily events. This means each of you listening quietly as much as talking, and responding in a way that encourages further divulging. Get in the habit of "active listening": repeating back what you heard, to make sure that you got it right. Good luck. Don't be surprised if New Guy isn't interested in being part of an honest open relationship. (A test would be you both invite him over to dinner and see how he handles it.) If not, so it goes. There will be others. Cheers, Alan M. Polyamory in the News
FitChick Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 How would you feel if your boyfriend requested a similar arrangement with another woman, citing his having already given you permission?
Imported Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 (edited) You ever think that maybe he gave you permission to see what you'll do? I mean, what a question to ask of someone you love lol Was it like: "Honey, there's this guy at work that has sex with a lot of women and must be really good at it. It's ok though, he reminds me a little of you when we first met. You know, when I was really attracted to you. You changed a little since then. Anyway, I'd like to try him out for a real good ****ing. All the girls say he has a huge cock, so he should really be able to ream me out. Your cock is still good with me though, so no problems. If he ****s me better than you, I'll be sure to tell him to write down some pointers for you to follow, see even you will learn something from this. Also, I'd like to do some really freaky stuff that you don't like because you think it is wrong and I respect that, so instead I am doing it with a different guy and that should make it OK. Don't worry though, I will still marry you". What is a guy suppose to say to anything...(even if you sugar coated it real nice)...like that. I would want my girlfriend to have freedom of choice. Now, if she chooses to have sex with other men and is honest to me informing me before the fact, that is fine. I will say it is her choice and depending what she chooses, well, things could end with us. I am not standing in the way, because I shouldn't have to. Hell, the fact it was even asked would indicate to me that we are not on the same page and I need to do some really hard thinking. Have you read the thread about a guy that shared his freaky girlfriend with another guy? Things will never be the same with them again. Edited November 22, 2012 by Imported
Gold Pile Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Some older,established couples can handle these things very well. But for younger people it can be an emotional rollercoaster. Complications: What if sex with the other guy is GREAT? can you walk away from it? What if the other guy gets attached to you? What if you develop a deeper affection for him? Easy enough to happen when you bed someone. What if your BF wants fair is fair time with another woman? Good Luck
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Yes I think one of your main concerns would be what if the sex was better? what if you felt more of a "connection", or sexual chemistry with this other person? would you still stay true. You're going to start crossing into a territory of emotions, which I think you have already since you like this guy, even though you try to reason to yourself that you only like him because he's like your ex, which I think you'll find out the more you explore with this other guy you'll find it to be different, all connections emotional and physical are. With you inexperience I think it will be easy for you to fall easily for those easy infatuation emotions because you'll start to develop more than you'll notice and realize and wonder if it means more. If you had experience and self-control that has been tested, then you'd know exactly where the boundaries were, what you could do, handle or not. So I think you're taking a huge risk, you've already developed a close relationship with this other guy, I'm not sure what your current guy is thinking but I can almost be certain he'll be looking for something in return unless he's just really emotionally disconnected from you or already has/plans on doing as well, which may quell his guilt for acting out so.
Emilia Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 there are things I'd like to try sexually that my fiance is uncomfortable with and I WILL NOT push him to do those things you are not sexually compatible, hence your curiosity in other men. why do you want to get married? how old are you? you should probably split up with your fiance, why tie yourself to someone whom you would need to 'push' to do things with you want? why not just find a guy who is on the same page as you?
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Also if this other guy is a good lover he can take advantage of the situation by messing with your head. Especially while you're in this rough patch. If he has a reputation of being very good in bed, especially as he learns a woman's body/attentive lover and stimulates her on multiple levels and all of that, then this will be a very bad idea especially. So unless you've had this conversation, or he's outright bragged or claimed he has this capability he can easily overwhelm you with an experience. And with your inexperience it may seem even more pronounced, especially if he's any good. I'm basically saying he shouldn't give it to you to that good, just average sex, nothing fancy or deeply romantic/connecting...and he should keep a distance and barrier internally and gauge where you are at since he can tell with more experience. I know I might sound like I'm speaking chinese but maybe since this guy gets around he's got some skill, and you should make clear that you want him to be aware of your emotional state and desires, and the meaning of this engagement with your fiance that you still have, or he can easily make you question your emotions because the connection and experience itself may be too much. Hopefully he will respect that and detach if needed or not give in. There are definitely some talents that certain men acquire that can tap into certain parts of your sexuality and emotions more easily than other men, especially when the chemistry and sexual tension is there and he is aware and experienced to this reaction. I'm just worried your lack of experience may lead you astray to "what else" is out there but then again he may be only tap into you on the same level as your fiance or worse, maybe you'll be able to retain that emotional distance, and if he sees an opportunity, he pulls away. Are you getting a sense for what risks you are taking yet? I don't know, you know yourself better than I do...however you may have never seen yourself in this situation before either. It's just got to be a risk you feel is worth it and are willing to take, because once you "feel" something, it could change everything, especially when your relationship is not strong...well obviously on many levels IMO. Honestly I think you should just move on, but I know you don't want to give up what you already have which is a bit selfish.
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