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question for the guys, what would make you behave like this? REVISED


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Posted (edited)

So I got myself into this situation which left me completely frustrated and confused.

 

I'd like to know what people would make of this. Guys/men, maybe you could tell me if you could picture yourself in a situation which would make you behave in such a way, as the guy in question did.

 

So very long story cut short: I met up with a guy who I had an affair with earlier this year, after 5 months. I’ve known him for a year, we used to live together and hang out a lot. When we parted (both moving away to diff. countries) I missed him terribly. We spent the night together last week which was unlike any night we had before. Next morning we sort of ignored each other though – i was leaving again back to another country.

 

Before I left, I wrote him a note telling him about how I felt. I simply told him that to me "we" were never nothing, and I'd missed him last time we said goodbye, and was going to miss him again, that I really liked him, and that it wasn't my choice (like last time) to have to forget about him (if it was up to me, we could’ve at least talked about future prospects, but communication about touchy subjects was 0,0).

 

Anyway, he's not responded to this note. He's not online on FB at all anymore (whereas he used to be online fulltime). I just don't know what to make of it, just that it was all about sex. I feel like a complete idiot, and just don't understand what makes him treat me like this. I feel like the least he could've done is responded to my note regardless of his (non-existent) feelings for me - it's not like I open up to everyone, leaving them a handwritten note with all my feelings on display. It was an emotional and diffictult thing to do.. I just feel disrespected and very hurt by it. Now.. my question is this: Can anyone place themselves into my guy's position? Would you also not respond to a handwritten note by a girl left behind for you (in which she states her feelings for you)? Would you also ignore her, and why would you do this?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Revised per OP's request
Posted

Could be one of two things.

 

1.) He never cared for you and was only in it to bang you.

2.) He knows the relationship won't amount to anything since you are going to be living in different countries.

 

Maybe it's the way you wrote it, but it feels like a lot of stuff is being left out. We're only getting your side of the story so it's hard to decipher what really went on. The story overall is kind of fuzzy to me, but the fact remains--get over him. No point in worrying yourself over his lack of feelings. Focus on men in your own country where things are less complicated. Also I would advise you to not wait for an attraction to grow. You weren't initially attracted to him, but eventually gave in. If initial attraction is not there, don't fight it. That's your gut trying to tell you something.

Posted

He is a player. Or a really sensitive type who is insecure about things you dont even realize, but most likely the former.

  • Author
Posted

Regardless of if he is a player (btw he is not the type thats into sex much, I know for a fact he doesn't do one night stands. Also, he's too insecure to hit on girls) - and also, we were friends. Out of all the 30 people we lived with, I was the only one he would be in regular contact with however superficial- WOULD you still ignore a handwritten message? That's my question really.

 

Would you not even respond to it, apologising or at least EXPLAINING what caused your behaviour (like for example he could've said, sorry you feel that way, it's not mutual). Or would you ignore it like him? And why would you ignore it? Because it just makes things so much worse and complicated.

Posted
Regardless of if he is a player (btw he is not the type thats into sex much, I know for a fact he doesn't do one night stands. Also, he's too insecure to hit on girls) - and also, we were friends. Out of all the 30 people we lived with, I was the only one he would be in regular contact with however superficial- WOULD you still ignore a handwritten message? That's my question really.

 

Would you not even respond to it, apologising or at least EXPLAINING what caused your behaviour (like for example he could've said, sorry you feel that way, it's not mutual). Or would you ignore it like him? And why would you ignore it? Because it just makes things so much worse and complicated.

 

Would I do something like that? Sure.

 

The woman would have had to do something pretty messed up for me to react in kind but I would totally do what he did if I felt it was deserved.

 

I had a situation where this girl and I were sort of going back and forth for years. Years. Not really knowing what we were. Friends? More than friends? Potential to be a couple some day? One day I woke up, and was just so fed up with her flakiness and the back and forth, and the teasing; I just said "screw it". And never contacted her again. Avoided all her emails and texts. Just cut her out of my life completely. After knowing her and being emotionally invested in her for years, I cut it off that easy.

 

So yeah, I could totally do what he did, although I can't envision a situation where one night we have hot passionate sex and then act that cold the next day when you give me a letter. There was nothing in that part of the story that tells me why he did it. If you had a fight or something of the sort, then I understand his reasoning. But not after a night where you were on good terms to say the least. Maybe he has emotional/commitment issues of some sort and didn't know how to properly react to your letter.

Posted

One week before I arrived this flatmate told me more news; my guy wouldn't be there the weekend I was coming, despite having moved back. His reason was, he had this job interview lined up back in his home country which he had to follow up on; he'd be back the exact day I'd planned on leaving. I ended up changing my ticket (for only a few extra pounds) which enabled me to stay around for a few days longer - I didn't tell him about this though till the day he came back from his job interview.

 

So, that day, taking him by surprise, I asked him if he was back, and wanted to meet up for drinks. He said yes, and we ended up meeting with this other flatmate. We ended up going on a pub crawl and at one point, and after a few drinks I kissed him. He pushed me off, asking me what I was doing, and after me asking him why not, he said he couldn't explain right now. I thought I'd made a right fool of myself, but twhen we were on our way home, he made it clear he was staying the night at mine. My other flat mate headed home. Also, my other flatmate soon after told me that my guy had said he liked me, but nothing was going to happen because we were both moving back to our countries (again).

 

That night was unlike any night we had before, it was like all the passion accumulated over the month came out that night, but to me it was really unexpected. I'd hoped for it, but never dreamed it would happen. Next morning however literally went like this: He got up early (i knew he had a very busy day ahead of him), put his clothes on, gave me a kiss on the mouth, said goodbye and walked out of the door. He didn't send me any message at all through out the day. Later that night I saw him again and slept in the same bed. He didn't touch me at all. Once I touched him, he pushed my hand away and said something like, bad idea. That morning I got up early - this was my last day, I had to catch my plane back to neighbouring country. Anyway, I got up early and wrote him a note. I needed to tell him the truth about how I felt about him, also because to me it had almost turned into something cheap. I simply told him that to me "we" were never nothing, and I'd missed him last time we said goodbye, and was going to miss him again, that I really liked him, and that it wasn't my choice (like last time) to have to forget about him (if it was up to me, we couldve at least talked about future prospects, but communication about touchy subjects was 0,0).

 

I left this note somewhere I knew he would find, then woke him up to say I was leaving and if he could lock the door behind me. Our goodbye was as simple as wishing each other good luck in life, 'bye'. No hug, no nothing. I turned around and walked away.

 

Anyway, he's not responded to this note, and it's almost been a week. He's not online on FB at all anymore (whereas he used to be online fulltime). I just don't know what to make of it, just that it was all about sex. I feel like a complete idiot, and just don't understand what makes him treat me like this. I feel like the least he could've done is responded to my note regardless of his (non-existent) feelings for me - it's not like I open up to everyone, leaving them a handwritten note with all my feelings on display. It was an emotional and diffictult thing to do.. I just feel disrespected and very hurt by it, I just wish he could've at least explained his behaviour towards me. Now.. my question is this: Can anyone place themselves into my guy's position? Would you also not respond to a handwritten note by a girl left behind for you (in which she states her feelings for you)? Would you also ignore her, and why would you do this?

 

 

THanks so much in advance for reading this idiotically long story :(

 

From what I can see the whole thing has been very one sided. Tell me if I missed anything:

 

 

  • You changed your flights to meet him, there was no such intention on his part
  • You all went drinking, you kissed him, he pulled away telling you it wasn't a good idea
  • Then he had sex with you anyways as it was on offer
  • The following morning there was no affection
  • The following night there was no affection, in fact he pushed you away and told you to leave him alone but you stayed in his bed anyways
  • Despite all of this, you left him a note
  • He has put himself on 'off' mode on facebook so you can't see when he is online.

 

Did I miss something? Can it be clearer that he is not into you or should he paint it on a large board and carry it around your house?

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Right.. I know all of that, that wasn't my question if you read it carefully. My question, again, is what would be your reason for not responding in ANY WAY whatsoever to a handwritten note left behind. Someone he was friends with, had an affair with, whom he chased for 4 damn months asking me out, then not seeing each other for 5 months, then meeting again and ending up having sex, THEN regardless of whether he;s lost interest not even making the effort of responding to my handwritten note. My question is WHY would you not respond to it - if even with an explanation that you're not INTO the person in question (reducing the chance of that person bothering you ever again). Ya know??

 

@ MrCastle: we've never argued before, I can't think of having done anything besides my best for him - and let it be clear that I've never put pressure on him up to this point, if you can call explaining my feelings for him (but not stating that I'm expecting anything back) pressure.

Edited by Anna84
Posted
Right.. I know all of that, that wasn't my question if you read it carefully. My question, again, is what would be your reason for not responding in ANY WAY whatsoever to a handwritten note left behind. Someone he was friends with, had an affair with, whom he chased for 4 damn months asking me out, then not seeing each other for 5 months, then meeting again and ending up having sex, THEN regardless of whether he;s lost interest not even making the effort of responding to my handwritten note. My question is WHY would you not respond to it - if even with an explanation that you're not INTO the person in question (reducing the chance of that person bothering you ever again). Ya know??

 

Because he is hoping that you will go away quietly the way you should have when he pulled away after the kiss! He probably thinks you will try to engage in messaging back and forth and to be honest I don't think he is wrong. Just move on already.

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