Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 You did the right thing by informing the OM's wife. You've shown courage in giving the OM's wife the truth and it also showed your wife the truth about the MM when he threw her under the bus. . She saw that and was properly horrified for a while. Said some really nasty things to him that I helped her come up with. But then now she is back to wanting him. I don't understand that.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 I worry that your wife is taking advantage of you, she really needs to see that you're not going to be her support system while she cries over another man while breaking your heart. It seems it's all about her pain and your pain is secondary. . I know she is taking advantage of me. At least I know that when I'm not with her. When I'm with her I believes she loves me.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 26, 2012 Author Posted November 26, 2012 When she's out of the house, she will either wake up to the loss of you, or you will have your answer as to whether she is truly remorseful and finally gets what she's done. I fantasize about her "waking up" and wanting to be with me. If it happened though how would I know it was not just more lies. How could I tell it was real. I don't think I could. And even if I could, then what. When I started posting here I thought she did love me and wanted to work it out. I was posting b/c I was not able to get over the sick thoughts of the two of them together. The pain of that was driving me crazy. So I then found out it is even worse, she still wants him and will dump me first chance she gets. For him or anyone new that has enough money to support her. But even if that were not true or became not true in the future, I'm still stuck with painful visions every time I see her. Even when I don't see her the thoughts over come me at times. I don't see any way to a good place from here.
JamesM Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 Not to make it worse but helping you see her as she is...do you have any clue or suspicions if there have been others in the past? Why this sudden new behavior...if it i new? Why does she now suddenly want someone besides you?
Furious Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 She saw that and was properly horrified for a while. Said some really nasty things to him that I helped her come up with. But then now she is back to wanting him. I don't understand that. You do realize that you're spending all your energy on trying to understand your wife's messed up thinking instead of concentrating on yourself. You're enabling her, you think if you fix her then you can fix your marriage. You need to do a 180, you need to detach, you need to stop being her doormat. She doesn't respect you and won't change unless she wants to change. You need to figure out why you're so afraid of letting her go. You need to think how much more of this chaos you can stand. Until you have the courage to demand the respect you deserve you will not get it. She's only thinking of herself...you should do the same for you. You're smart and stronger than you realize...use you brain and begin to concentrate on your own needs. 4
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Not to make it worse but helping you see her as she is...do you have any clue or suspicions if there have been others in the past? Why this sudden new behavior...if it i new? Why does she now suddenly want someone besides you? She has always wanted a "perfect R". She is unrealistic about R's in that she thinks the infatuation stage can and should last forever if you find the right person. So I was that person for her for a year or two. She then started looking. She had fantasies about other guys but never acted on them. That I know of. I never saw the signs that I saw this time. I should have known this was different and dangerous. I thought she had too much self respect to do this. I thought she was to smart to do it with a MM. Wrong on both counts.
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 She has always wanted a "perfect R". She is unrealistic about R's in that she thinks the infatuation stage can and should last forever if you find the right person. So I was that person for her for a year or two. She then started looking. She had fantasies about other guys but never acted on them. That I know of. I never saw the signs that I saw this time. I should have known this was different and dangerous. I thought she had too much self respect to do this. I thought she was to smart to do it with a MM. Wrong on both counts. Her thinking is seriously flawed and she will repeat this behavior and pattern until she understands that real love evolves from infatuation to something more akin to mutual respect and admiration. People that stay married for 50 years don't have perfect relationships with never-ending infatuation. The reality is that those couples likely withstood years of difficulty (probably more than once) and the fact that they had enough respect and admiration for one another to do it is what makes it a beautiful relationship. 3
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 You need to figure out why you're so afraid of letting her go. You need to think how much more of this chaos you can stand. Until you have the courage to demand the respect you deserve you will not get it I do indeed. I know that if I'm not ok with her decision to end it then I'm to weak to be with her or anyone. I've got to be ok being alone. I've got to stop being dependant. It is not healthy or attractive. I'm working on that with my counselor.
Steen719 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I fantasize about her "waking up" and wanting to be with me. If it happened though how would I know it was not just more lies. How could I tell it was real. I don't think I could. And even if I could, then what. When I started posting here I thought she did love me and wanted to work it out. I was posting b/c I was not able to get over the sick thoughts of the two of them together. The pain of that was driving me crazy. So I then found out it is even worse, she still wants him and will dump me first chance she gets. For him or anyone new that has enough money to support her. But even if that were not true or became not true in the future, I'm still stuck with painful visions every time I see her. Even when I don't see her the thoughts over come me at times. I don't see any way to a good place from here. I really think there are people who will never "get it". They do not see past their own wants and needs and you are only filling a spot until they find what they think they are looking for. It is an illusive search. It is a hole they won't fill. They don't replace what is taken out, so the hole eventually is empty again and they go searching. Respect yourself, honor yourself and eventually, you will see that you deserve so much better. Your vision of her will tarnish and soon enough, you will feel better and realize just what kind of person she is. Then, it will not matter if she "gets"it or not. 4
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Her thinking is seriously flawed and she will repeat this behavior and pattern until she understands that real love evolves from infatuation to something more akin to mutual respect and admiration. People that stay married for 50 years don't have perfect relationships with never-ending infatuation. The reality is that those couples likely withstood years of difficulty (probably more than once) and the fact that they had enough respect and admiration for one another to do it is what makes it a beautiful relationship. I understand this and agree. I'm not living in her fantasy world. I thought that with time she would realize this. I thought she would grow up. She may never. I feel sorry for her and my children.
Furious Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I understand this and agree. I'm not living in her fantasy world. I thought that with time she would realize this. I thought she would grow up. She may never. I feel sorry for her and my children. How old are your kids?
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 I thought that with time she would realize this. I thought she would grow up. She may never. I feel sorry for her and my children. I'm in a similar position. But over time, I no longer feel sympathy for my wife as she would somehow like to feel that she's a victim in our situation. It's as if the failure of the marriage was the fault of both of us and so she is just as deprived. It's comical the extent to which the human brain will go to justify nonsense. The real victims here are her exhusband and her children. Prior to her bull****, the marriage was completely reparable. 2
road Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 His wife put a short leash on him too. He has not tried to contact my wife. Either she has a short leash on him or he is afraid I will contact the dental licensing board. My wife IS very attractive and has been hit on more times than I can count but always was able to resist by just not responding. This creep was my kid's dentist and got my wife's mobile number from my kids' dental charts and that is how he got past her natural defenses. He texted her constantly till she broke. I would tell the dental board but I don't want my wife publicly humiliated. I know she is already in a lot of pain and despite what she did to me, I don't hate her and don't wish public humiliation for her. Does anyone reading this think I should tell the dental board? To protect others? An OM 7 times. This POSOM needs to be stopped. You need to and must contact his licensing board, today. Half way exposures never work. You need to make the OM face the full consequences of his affair with your WW. You need to make the board come down on this OM so hard that he will run for the hills from your WW because she will be seen by the OM to not be worth the loss of his license.
worldgonewrong Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 For god's sake if you learn nothing else from all of this, at least start to learn to act like a man, not a small child. It's not a "thing." It's his cock. He put his cock inside of her. ^^^^ Hello, new signature!
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 They just turned 9 and 11 recently. They are girls. Very pretty like their mother. I fear for how this will turn out for them. Their mother's mother cheated too. When my wife as about this age.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 Thanks. I can see that. I accept that our marriage was in trouble due to my failings as well are hers. Maybe even more mine. But until she cheated it was very much more likely that we could repair it. Now I wonder if I can ever get over it. As my handle indicates I fear I can't no matter what she does.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 27, 2012 Author Posted November 27, 2012 what? Are you Duck Soup? I liked the raw tough talk of Duck Soup to me and others. This was kind of dumb though. I'm new and just don't know how explicit I can be so I used a euphemism. I'm perfectly fine being graphic about what happened. I prefer that. I feel and hear that so no I'm not avoiding it. Just don't want to offend anyone.
nofool4u Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 He being a MM, he ended up dumping her. Or she dumped him because he would not leave his wife, to be totally accurate. But she did want him to leave his wife and wanted to end it with me. But did not tell me. I found out about it after it was over. Knowing that she only came back to you because it didn't work out with him, why aren't you having her served with divorce papers? Why even be with such a "woman"?
worldgonewrong Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 what? Are you Duck Soup? I liked the raw tough talk of Duck Soup to me and others. This was kind of dumb though. I'm new and just don't know how explicit I can be so I used a euphemism. I'm perfectly fine being graphic about what happened. I prefer that. I feel and hear that so no I'm not avoiding it. Just don't want to offend anyone. no, no, I understood! I was just found Ducksoup's quote amusing. You're fine.
Snowflower Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 You do realize that you're spending all your energy on trying to understand your wife's messed up thinking instead of concentrating on yourself. You're enabling her, you think if you fix her then you can fix your marriage. You need to do a 180, you need to detach, you need to stop being her doormat. She doesn't respect you and won't change unless she wants to change. You need to figure out why you're so afraid of letting her go. You need to think how much more of this chaos you can stand. Until you have the courage to demand the respect you deserve you will not get it. She's only thinking of herself...you should do the same for you. You're smart and stronger than you realize...use you brain and begin to concentrate on your own needs. One of the best posts I have ever read. I wish I had heeded this advice in my situation. OP, take heed. It does appear that you are very focused (at times) at rationalizing (in your own mind) what your wife has done. That will not help you heal or help your marriage reconcile if that is what you ultimately want.
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