Enchanted4 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. She's been pretty confused since with not knowing what she wants. She has told me that it's over and she is sure of her decision, but recently we agreed on a plan. After Thanksgiving she will be leaving to go back to college for 3 weeks to finish her first semester. She said that during those three weeks we will be at NC. So she is able to focus on her school work and clear her head and just take a break from the entire situation. She said that after she gets back home we will start talking again and see where it leads us. She says that when we start talking again for a while and then she will decide if she has any try left in her, as I've promised that our relationship wouldn't be the same as it was before (there needs to be a lot of changing on my part). So during these 3 weeks, I'm going to work on changing my attitude and how I approach things and just me in general. I'm even seeing a therapist to help. I need to be a better me for me, and a better me for her and if I don't show that I can change, I don't think she will ever consider getting back together with me. Thoughts?
dyzfunctioned Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 We can always improve and that's definitely something that you should work on. But she left you. You need to improve for you and after this time apart if she wants to work things out then you can take it from there. But you can't improve for her otherwise all your achievement will be crushed if she decides she doesn't want to try again. 2
pteromom Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Personal growth is always good. But be realistic about what is your "fault" in the relationship, and what is simply incompatibility between you. If it's a matter of learning how to deal with stress better, how not to yell during arguments, how to be more open and loving, how to be more happy... all of these are worthwhile goals that will help you in your life. But if it is trying to change who you are to morph into who she wants you to be, then it is unhealthy. As you have this time on your own, just make sure you put thought into whether the relationship with her really meets YOUR needs as well.
Author Enchanted4 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 It's about personal growth, but it's also about what I did wrong, but didn't realize it was happening until now. For example, being jealous and getting mad about stupid things. Reading facebook messages, and text messages of hers. That stuff is just stupid. I let a past relationship that I had basically interfere with this one because of trust issues. Which I know I shouldn't have done...
pteromom Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 It's about personal growth, but it's also about what I did wrong, but didn't realize it was happening until now. For example, being jealous and getting mad about stupid things. Reading facebook messages, and text messages of hers. That stuff is just stupid. I let a past relationship that I had basically interfere with this one because of trust issues. Which I know I shouldn't have done... Yes, that kind of stuff is a relationship killer. You have to be able to trust your partner, but on a higher level than that, you have to be able to trust that you will be ok no matter what someone else does. Even if they DO cheat, you will be ok. You will deal with it if it ever happens, but unless it does, you will trust that your partner is faithful and loves you. If you learn to follow scary situations through to the end when you are worrying, it will be very helpful for you. For example... You are worrying about who she is texting. So follow each scenario to its end. If she is just texting a friend and doing nothing inappropriate, life goes on, you stay together happily, and there are no issues. You win! And there was no jealousy to get in the way of the happiness. If she is texting a guy, it will come out eventually. You end up catching her, you break up, and you are rid of a cheater. You go on to find another relationship with someone who is faithful and loving. Either way, YOU WIN. You don't want to be with someone capable of cheating on you anyway, so what is the point of the jealousy, trying to keep them from doing what they will eventually do anyway?
Author Enchanted4 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Yes. You're right. The only problem is, I had no reason not to trust her. My previous relationship ended badly. I was cheated on and all that good stuff. It took me 14 months to be able to date anyone again just because I was afraid. So maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was and that lead me to make some bad decisions when it came to her. She knows what I went through, because I told her and she doesn't believe in cheating. I had no reason not to trust her, I just left my insecurities get the best of me and screwed up something really great...
Chi townD Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Okay, I agree personal growth is fine. But, you should be wanting to change for you and you alone. If you're trying to change for someone else, then you're not doing anyone any favors. Now, it sounds like you have to show her that your making these changes. Therefore, you have to do this that and the other. But, what is she going to change for you? There shouldn't be conditions set inside a relationship. It should be something you work on together. Relationships are give and take. So, what is she going to do for you? Look, if there's problems with the relationship then don't be the heavy and take all of this on your shoulders like you and you alone are the possible dismise of the relationship. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. Relationships are a partnership. Never forget that.
Author Enchanted4 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I also agree, you're right, it shouldn't be one sided and in a way it is, but it isn't. She never asked me to change, but I know that's what I have to do or she'll never give this another try. What she said is that I need to show her the changes that I'm making. So that's why I decided to go therapy and sort out my issues, which I think go deeper than I thought. My only concern is I don't know how to show her the changes? Yes, I'm going to therapy, but how do I apply that and show her? Obviously we aren't together right now so I can't show her that I'm not going to go through her phone and her Facebook messages... so I'm kind of stuck right now.
Cutiepie1976 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 ... But, what is she going to change for you? There shouldn't be conditions set inside a relationship. It should be something you work on together. Relationships are give and take. So, what is she going to do for you? Look, if there's problems with the relationship then don't be the heavy and take all of this on your shoulders like you and you alone are the possible dismise of the relationship. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. Relationships are a partnership. Never forget that. Don't know all the issues in this particular situation, but it's simplistic to say problems in a relationship are 50:50. Rarely is that true. Not the case here, but someone who leaves because a partner is abusive to him or her, is alcoholic, or is using drugs is not responsible for 50% of the problems. We can only change ourselves, not others! To start making demands that she change would be counterproductive on many levels, and will only serve to push her further away. I absolutely agree that we need to change for ourselves and for our own personal growth. Every relationship teaches us about ourselves, how to be a better person, and hopefully how to be a better partner. If only endings could be less painful!
Chi townD Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I also agree, you're right, it shouldn't be one sided and in a way it is, but it isn't. She never asked me to change, but I know that's what I have to do or she'll never give this another try. What she said is that I need to show her the changes that I'm making. So that's why I decided to go therapy and sort out my issues, which I think go deeper than I thought. My only concern is I don't know how to show her the changes? Yes, I'm going to therapy, but how do I apply that and show her? Obviously we aren't together right now so I can't show her that I'm not going to go through her phone and her Facebook messages... so I'm kind of stuck right now. You don't. And even if she does see changes in you, I guarantee you'll get the same lines from her that everyone else here has heard. i.e. " I see the changes, but I still don't trust you'll go back to the wait things were." or " I don't know if these changes are permanant?" or "I don't trust you and this might all be an act"....blah.....blah.... Point is, you make the changes for yourself. You start to live a good life. You make POSITIVE CHANGES to yourself and if she asks those questions you can respond, "Look, here's the kicker, I didn't do this for you. I made positive changes in my life for myself so I can be a better person; a happier person that likes to have fun and not sweat the small stuff all the time. So, you can believe that these changes are permanant or not. I really don't care. All I know is that I'm being true to myself. Did I screw up in the past? Yes, I did. But, I'm man enough to discover those problems and do my best to fix those problems So, in a weird way, I have to thank you for pointing those out to me. Now, either you can reap the benefits of the new me or some other girl will reap those benefits from the lessons that I've learned. That's entirely up to you." This shows that you've grown to be independat of her. That you've grown up. That you have a spine. Which is attractive to a lot of girls out there.
Chi townD Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Don't know all the issues in this particular situation, but it's simplistic to say problems in a relationship are 50:50. Rarely is that true. Not the case here, but someone who leaves because a partner is abusive to him or her, is alcoholic, or is using drugs is not responsible for 50% of the problems. Okay, Obviously I agree that the 50/50 doesn't fit into every case epecially if there's drugs, alcohol and abuse going on. I can see that and totally agree. But in your average run of the mill relationships. I still believe in the 50/50 and that there are problems that they BOTH can work on. Give and take. Look, he got busted looking through her phone and Facebook. But, what got him to that point? Was she going out and flirting with other guys? Did she come home at all hours of the night? Did he find dudes phone numbers on a bar napkin? What it sounds like to me is that this couple never communicated openly about problems.
Author Enchanted4 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I think in this case, it's my fault, no 50/50 really. Let me explain a little more... She's honestly the perfect girl. She's made no mistakes at all throughout this relationship. The trust issues are solely on me, not her. She's never flirted with anyone else, she never came home at all hours of the night, there were no phone numbers on any napkins. My insecurities and past problems with trust lead me to do these things, which I shouldn't have done. I will agree at the lack of communication with the problems because she never acted like she had a huge issue with me doing this and it wasn't like I did it all the time. So maybe she should have told me that she had a problem and I would have stopped, but since we did have a breakdown in communication I have to do my part to make the change and if we should get back together, I would make sure that we talked about how we need to have better communication and not wait until everything blows up at once to talk about things.
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