fqb Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Okay, so my bf and I met this summer while he was an exchange student in Europe (he's from the US). I know it doesn't sound very serious since we haven't been together for that long, but this is the first guy i've dated that i've actually been able to imagine a future with and he felt the same way. So it was pretty casual at first, but we realised that it just felt right and that we want to be together, so we decided to stay in a relationship when he went back to the states. We're both studying and none of us can move to the other person's country for the time being (minimum time apart is 2 years..) We've been away from each other for almost 3 months now (not a lot, i know) and he bought a ticket to come and see me for Christmas. For about the first 2 months we skyped every day and would send each other random e-mails, after that we'd talk maybe every other day but for the last 2 weeks he's never logged on and he hasn't really made an effort to keep in touch. It feels like he isn't as dedicated to making it work as I am. Then yesterday we finally talked, but something seemed to be bothering him, and in the middle of our conversation a girl came in to his apartment and he said "i'll call you back" and hung up (he has one friend that is a girl, so this was pretty strange to me). He called me back 15 minutes later and looked like something bothered him, and he said "you know that i love you right?". And he started talking about how he's been "seeing someone", and that he's been very unhappy since he can't see me. Apparently the girl was a friend that surprised him. I got really angry and told him exactly what i felt, that i don't share boyfriends with anyone else and that even though I would do anything for him, i'm not going to waste my time with someone that doesn't respect me. When he first started talking it sounded like a break-up speech, so that's what i assumed it was. We talked 2 hours later, and this time he started apologizing for making it sound more serious than it was, that he hasn't been dating anyone but they've been hanging out through mutual friends. He also said he hasn't cheated on me (with this he means anything physical) and that he could never do that. I asked him if he has feelings for anyone else, and he said no, but why would he say that he's been "seeing someone" if he doesn't have feelings for them? I'm not a jealous person, and I trust him, I just don't want to "invest" my feelings in someone that might end up breaking my heart. What bothers me is how he changed his story and how he didn't really seem to know what he wanted. He kept talking about how he hasn't been feeling happy and how he doesn't know if it's best for either of us to have to constantly miss someone, but that he can't wait to see me. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if anyone has any thoughts or a similar experience they'd like to share, please do, I really don't know what to feel and I'm so confused.
veggirl Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Well if he hasn't physically cheated (big IF!) then it is only a matter of time. I mean this other girl is so close to him that she feels comfortable just popping into his house as a 'surprise'? That says a lot about what kind of relationship they have. He is backpedaling with the whole "I didn't mean it seriously" I mean who says they are "seeing someone"--that means DATING--if they aren't? No one. He told you he is not happy and doesn't want to miss someone. He wants a girl who is close by and he found one. Unfortunately being long distance you will prob never know the truth of their relationship and how can you continue on with him when you can't trust him? I've never been in a long distance relationship but I would imagine that trust is of the upmost importance in one.... and you know the facts are this: he is not happy and he is "seeing" someone else who pops by unexpectedly and he has to lie about / hide you from. There's no saving this I don't think...he has checked out. 4
umirano Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Doesn't sound like (long distance) relationship material to me. But I know your dilemma. It's really f*cking hard to tell what's going on on the other side. LDRs are hard enough. Both sides have to make them effortless. Your guy isn't making it effortless for you even if he did/does not cheat on you. Be smart, don't invest too much. And at some point even this may be too much. Hope this helps
MyPoutine Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I have been down that road and it's best to walk away. Sometimes when you are madly in love it's easy to want to make things work out so bad that you over-look your own principles for the benefit of the couple. Don't do that. The entire point of a long distance relationship is the love that cannot be tamed, denied or ignored. Anything less than that isn't worth the effort of keeping things alive, ditch him and walk away. (much easier said than done I know) 1
NoMoreJerks Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Well if he hasn't physically cheated (big IF!) then it is only a matter of time. I mean this other girl is so close to him that she feels comfortable just popping into his house as a 'surprise'? That says a lot about what kind of relationship they have. He is backpedaling with the whole "I didn't mean it seriously" I mean who says they are "seeing someone"--that means DATING--if they aren't? No one. He told you he is not happy and doesn't want to miss someone. He wants a girl who is close by and he found one. Unfortunately being long distance you will prob never know the truth of their relationship and how can you continue on with him when you can't trust him? I've never been in a long distance relationship but I would imagine that trust is of the upmost importance in one.... and you know the facts are this: he is not happy and he is "seeing" someone else who pops by unexpectedly and he has to lie about / hide you from. There's no saving this I don't think...he has checked out. yeah - this.... he was backpedaling because of your reaction.. he is seeing another girl and is not interested in you anymore, but may want to keep you on the side in case things don't work out with the other girl, and/or to keep him company on skype when he's bored/lonely. you deserve better and this is only going to lead to heartbreak after heartbreak. get out of this before it's too late, if it's not too late already.
Author fqb Posted November 22, 2012 Author Posted November 22, 2012 Thanks everyone! You all have a point, I know that if a friend would be in the same situation I would tell them to dump the idiot and find someone that deserves them, but it seems really hard. I'm going to try to make him tell me more details and more exactly what he meant, because what really bothered me was how vague he was.
lukas Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Thanks everyone! You all have a point, I know that if a friend would be in the same situation I would tell them to dump the idiot and find someone that deserves them, but it seems really hard. I'm going to try to make him tell me more details and more exactly what he meant, because what really bothered me was how vague he was. He is not going to admit to anything at all and will continue spinning a web of vague lies... 2
Alban Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Even if he's not doing anything, this relationship is impossible. 1
blugirl Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 I would just walk away ..... it's clear he's 'feeling' something towards that girl more than for you.
veggirl Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 What? Why are you sticking around to try to get more info? You will never get it. You think he will one day just be like "oh okay, so what REALLY happened is XYZ and give you all the details?" You already know he is a liar and "seeing" someone else...so therefore a cheater as well. Why are you not dumping him? What am I missing here?
Toddbt12y1 Posted November 27, 2012 Posted November 27, 2012 Everyone has given you great answers; it is hard, but listen and follow their advice...it will be helpful. This Guy is a liar. Frankly speaking...it is very rare to get the real truth from cheaters. His actions show a sign of guilt. Do not worry about answers...waiting for info, will drive you nuts.
Michal2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I think he don't want to make any relation with you.
justwhoiam Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Unlike what I have read, I don't think he has fallen for this new girl. Just the fact that he's coming to see you for Christmas and says he loves you, it must mean something. I guess you didn't ask him the most important thing: Why did you hang up on me as soon as that girl entered the door? This is the key to anything. Push things to the next level. You will either break up or have a healthy relationship with him. How do you upgrade to the next level? He needs to go official with you. That's it. No other way. GL
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