Grace1990 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Hi there, This is my first time posting here so I'm a tad nervous. I just wanted some advice on a current situation. I'm 22 years old and have just come out of my first serious relationship (it lasted a year.) We began our relationship at University and it it appeared to be absolutely great. He was attentive, kind and we both admitted being completely in love with one another. I was quickly introduced to his family and friends and we spent a lot of time together whilst still maintaining individual lives too. When Uni ended in June I moved to London to begin a new job - he has gone onto start an MA course at another University in London. I really struggled with the changes in my life - not being happy at work, feeling lonely without a close friendship circle and I can reflect back now and say that over the last couple of months of our relationship I put a lot of pressure on him to be there for me. However, he stuck there, telling me despite our conflicts he was still in love and wanted to work through the relationship and up until the day before the break up he was still telling me he didn't want things to end and that he loved me. Then, out of the blue, on Wednesday he ends things - telling me his heart isn't in it, he can't dedicate his time to me with his new course and that I need to find ways to make myself happy again - without relying on him. We have spoken once since, he was crying and said he still cared for me, was attracted to me, couldn't stop thinking about me but couldn't commit to the type of relationship I wanted. I then let him know I had deleted his number telling him he could decide whether he wanted to give it to me again in time - he gave it me straight away saying he couldn't lose me from his life completely. It has now been 6 days since the break and we haven't been in contact since that last conversation. I'm confused and hurt by his behavior - I feel like the decision was rash and out of panic rather than because of lack of feeling towards me, particularly as right up to the last minute he was saying he didn't know whether to end it or not (Him also doing it the day before our anniversary didn't help with the pain either and getting through our anniversary weekend without him was awful.) So I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to approach this. Is this it now? Remain out of contact and start the healing process, accepting that it is over and we won't see each other again? Or is this a mistake on his part that he will soon come to regret (because I genuinely believe that there was still a great amount of feeling, love, care and attraction between the two of us.) Is this just a rough patch that needs time to cool off or should I just accept that he cannot commit right now due to other commitments and that his other priorities right now are more important than me? How long should I wait before making contact with him - if ever? Sorry to go on about this - I would like to get advice from impartial people.
dyzfunctioned Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Hey Grace, Man do I know how you feel. 22M here, just dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years I met in my 2nd year of university. We had issues but we always worked on them and were crazy about each other. One day, she tells me she wants to break up. Calls me shortly after saying she made a mistake, we agree to meet up and talk. We meet up on the weekend and have one of the best, most honest talks of our relationship and discuss all our issues and how we can fix them. Then we talk like normal again, we cuddle, we kiss, we had sex. I leave that night telling her to take a few days to think things over and she kisses me and says she will but she thinks she already has her kind made up. So I leave, feeling happy again and hopeful and under the impression were getting back together. 2 days later I get a phone call and shes crying, says her gut tells her we should break up. I get mad, I beg, I reason, declare my love, blah blah. And I do it the next day too until she texts me Saying that she wants to get back together with me more than anything and she loves me but she has to do what she thinks best and this is what her gut is telling her and she can't explain it. And follows it up saying we shouldn't talk anymore. And that was it. That was last night. I can't explain why she did it just like you can't explain why he did. But point is no matter how sad they are and how much they miss you, all the begging and pleading in the world isn't gojng to change their mind. All we can really do is try to stop hurting so much and see what happens in time.
Author Grace1990 Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing. It's always the worst when it just comes out of the blue and really the break us is amicable. I had a message from my ex last night saying that he will always love me but something changed for him towards the end...he then went to ask about how to get my stuff back to me and then ended the conversation saying 'if you want to speak soon that's fine. As long as you're ready.' As tempting as it is to call him, right now I am going to leave it. I don't want to give him a situation where he can have his cake and eat it too. Right now he can either have a relationship with me or he can't. Who knows what the future holds for us...it feels atm he isn't prepared to let me go completely as this is is the third or forth time he has stressed to me to call him when I'm ready. I think now he has contacted me I should leave it as no contact again for a further few weeks and see how I feel then. Now is the time to focus on me - not him. x x x x
dyzfunctioned Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Sorry to hear you're going through a similar thing. It's always the worst when it just comes out of the blue and really the break us is amicable. I had a message from my ex last night saying that he will always love me but something changed for him towards the end...he then went to ask about how to get my stuff back to me and then ended the conversation saying 'if you want to speak soon that's fine. As long as you're ready.' As tempting as it is to call him, right now I am going to leave it. I don't want to give him a situation where he can have his cake and eat it too. Right now he can either have a relationship with me or he can't. Who knows what the future holds for us...it feels atm he isn't prepared to let me go completely as this is is the third or forth time he has stressed to me to call him when I'm ready. I think now he has contacted me I should leave it as no contact again for a further few weeks and see how I feel then. Now is the time to focus on me - not him. x x x x That's a good attitude to have. Hell you're further than I am. I've gone NC (at her request) but I pretty much stare at my phone all day hoping ill hear from her. And I know there's a lot of personal stuff I need to work on but at this stage making it to work is an achievement.
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