my girlfriend of 8 years has left me and has...Will she ever come back?

[Douglas_grey]

So in looking for advice or comfort in other people's opinions about similar situations as mine, I came across this site and the community seems pretty helpful. So I thought this might help me cope or figure things out, by getting others' opinions...

I was with my girlfriend for eight years. High school sweethearts. People were always a tad envious of what we had, and always thought we were such a perfect couple. I knew from the young age of 16 that I loved this girl. I understand a lot can change from 16 to 25 and that a 16 year old boy probably has no idea what love is, but I really believed I did, and still do. Raised by a single mom, I felt like I saw all the ways not to treat a woman, and had a pretty good idea of the husband/father I wanted to be. I was never attracted to anyone before I saw my girlfriend. Everything was very special about the way we met and started dating. It was your classic love story material. We went on a break once in college. She initiated it, and I was heart broken for a while over it. There had been problems with other guys hitting on her at school, and she didn't quite act like she was against the idea. She would assure me they were just friends. However, after breaking up, all those guys came on to her pretty strongly and she apparently didnt like it. She eventually got back with me after 2 months. Things were great again and for the next 5 years it would seem we were happy. This last year however, she switched careers. She went from being graphic designer to an apprentice at a tattoo chain. It was unpaid and I had to support her for the most part to get her through it. Things got rough here and there, as we didnt see each other too often. Throughout our relationship I would sometimes ask if she ever felt like she needed to live life without me, to really see what was out there. I was a little insecure as to whether or not she was totally content with me. She has never known anything else but always assured me she just knew I was the one. She shared so many first together. And I feel thats something you rarely find anymore. So she's almost finished with the apprenticeship, 2 more months. On saturdays she starts making a habit of going to her friends' and drinking. I get uncomfortable when she doesnt atleast let me know where she is or if shes going to drink. But even more so, when she stays the night there. The lack of communication is an issue, and I try and talk to her about it. She's always been very non-confrontational though which makes things hard. The financial binds make things difficult and I struggle to support us at times, but I would always think that it was worth it for our future and I wanted her to be happy. She was practically my wife, so after thinking about it, it didnt bother me. One night around halloween she goes out again to a friend's party. I work on the weekends and am never able to attend. However, I realize now that that may have been a poor excuse and that maybe I should have made more an effort to go with her. I get upset that she stays the night there again. This has happened 3 weeks in a row now. Both previous times, she seemed very sorry about it. However this time she texts me the next day and says we need to talk. I know whats coming, but cant believe it. She had always told me we would work through anything and that she didnt want to ever be without me. I couldnt stop it though, she had made up her mind. As with most cases like this, I tried to remind her of the memories we shared and how much I really loved her. I tried to convince her that with another chance I could make things better, but it didnt work. She moved all her stuff her out and I was left with our lease. Due to some of the bad choices she had made, I ended up having to pay for her car to get repaired after she fell asleep while driving. Her parents were split up and neither were very financially stable. She had only me to rely on. At one point she was pregnant but miscarried aswel. I just felt like we had been through so much together just throw it all away like that. She acted as though this was the best thing for her because our relationship was making her unhappy. She needed to "find herself". I didnt want to be selfish, I cared about her happiness, so I felt as though I had no choice. She assured me there was no one else and that she didnt want to date for a couple years. The fact she was deciding she wanted to be alone for a few years in itself scared me. She was, and still is, my first love. I wanted her to be my only love. Of course it was difficult to avoid looking at her social media and seeing what she was up to. About 2 weeks later, she startes posting on a blog about a possible booty call. I get pretty stressed and scared and want to believe that its just a joke. But the next day, she posts 2 quotes from her and and "the guy" about confirming he was in fact, the booty call. She followed this was a post about morning sex. It seemed as though she saw this person as a "lover" so to speak. I was absolutely crushed. The thought of the girl that I shared so many firsts with had given something as sacred as sex away like it was nothing. Obviously everyone has their own views on how they view sex, but because we had such a strong bond to one another, it meant so much more to me. I couldnt believe this was the same girl I has fell in love with so long ago, or the same girl who claimed to have loved me. My friends initially said she was eventually come back after having time to be without me and see that she wasnt really happy. She made all the generic posts on her social media about being happy and enjoying life. I had read that a lot of times this was to convince herself and the people around her that she really was, even if she wasnt. So I became more angry than sad that she could do something like this so easily after all we had shared. I started wondering if I was really all that bad to be with. I bartend, and all the girls I work with have always loved me and complimented me on my character, I would often get hit on at work. I felt like maybe this ruled that out. I was aware of some of the mistakes I made, but they were all fixable if only I had known. I played videogames sometimes when she would get home, and would often not sleep with her due to our conflicting schedules. So I apologize for the novel...But I guess I'm curious. Even after all that, is it likely she'll ever want to come back? I was and still am heart broken over the fact that she had sex with this guy like it was nothing, but I think I've always known that she might need to be without me and see something else before realizing what she had. This has always been something I've been a little fearful of. I know what she did was wrong to me, but a part of me wants her to come back. I want her to want to come back and admit that she made a mistake. As angry and betrayed as I feel, I still believe maybe something like this needed to happen, as awful as that sounds. Is it reasonable to believe she needed something like this before really committing to me? Or am I kidding myself? If she were to come back, Id have to start from scratch with her and have my trust built back up to see if I could really trust her again and love her the same way. But Im unsure as to whether or not what I'm wanting is wrong. In logic, to move on seems the reasonable choice, but in my heart, I want her to come back to me and make things work. But I really have to wonder if thats all possible. I'd really appreciated some input. Thanks guys, and sorry for the long post. It helps to get it all off my chest.

[blue_jay_bird]

Sounds, like she is a really bad girlfriend. I'm not the one to give advice. But your over looking how she is really not as amazing as you think. She doesn't seem to appreciate you. You have finically supported her, and they only thing you have done "wrong" is not go out with her as often. I read this and think wow, you have bent over backwards, and she could care less. I'd love for someone to take care of me the way you seem to have taken care of her. You have given so much. She's going online looking for booty calls... this girl is a keeper. (sarcasm) For starters, Imagine you didn't love her, look at her objectively. I see a silly girl, that is abusive to her partner. Now that you have done that. You are still thinking, oh but i love her. We had a great relationship. Now try to look at your relationship from a objective stand point. What did she not provide, what are her flaw's. Why was your relationship not working. Draw a little diagram of you and her. Now make arrow's of give and take, list her flaw's. Vs. her good attributes. I'm sure the good attributes will be a list long but, keep thinking. THINK about how it was not working.. not how you would like it to work. Well thats all i have for now....

 

Stay NC..

[Renard99]

Douglas, your story sounds very similar to mine.

 

I met my ex at university when we were both aged 20. Seven and a half years later she leaves me.

 

The relationship was the first long term relationship that either of us had had, so we started slow but worked our way towards being, what I thought was a strong couple. We finish university and then get ourselves a place together, which, at first was tough, with money being tight, but I thought we were making a good go of it.

 

Then she changed jobs. That's when I started to notice a change in her. I, like you, felt that, being as I was all she'd know for all the years, that there was a slight desire in her to experience life without me. Communication with her started to become harder and I started to feel like she was putting distance between us on purpose. When I spoke to her she claimed there was nothing wrong at all and she continually told me she loved me. She made a whole load of new friends about the same age as her at her new job and she loved this. Having led a sheltered childhood, she had very few friends and missed out on many things whilst growing up. Now though, she had friends that invited her to do all those things she didn't do when she was younger. It started as the odd night a week where she'd go down the pub. I had no problem with that, after all I did it with the guys. But when she started going out most nights I started to get concerned, especially when she cancelled our 'dates' in order to go out with friends. Eventually she'd go out but then not come home, crashing at a friends house without telling me. At this point I felt like I didn't know her anymore and we took a break in the relationship. She came back in floods of tears saying she missed me so much......... yet a couple of months later she came home from work saying 'I think we need to talk'. Like you, I knew what was coming.

 

Then, months after the break up, I had joined a dating site, however, this site had a 'sister site' that was for adult dating but I wasn't interested in that. They would occasionally send me emails asking if I wanted to join the 'adult' site being as I already had membership to the 'normal' site. In these emails they'd send examples of women in my area. To my horror, one of the examples was my ex. I don't know what possessed me to click on her profile but I did and there she was, in skimpy lingerie, for all the men to see. Her profile talked about all the kinky things she was into (which were all news to me). What really got me was all the messages from various men thanking her for a great night. Like you I was angry as much as I was upset.

 

Now, to answer your question, will she ever come back? After a year apart and with no contact in that time.... My ex contacted me asking for a second chance. It's rare, but it happened. HOWEVER, from my experience.... take note of those warning bells that your mind is highlighting to you. You've identified that what she did to you was wrong. You've also identified that you'd need to build up trust from scratch. You've also correctly identified that moving on is the logical thing to do, something that usually takes quite a while to sink in. Go with these things. I did. I turned down her request to get back together again, which is just as well really, because when I sent the email telling her so, she replied with 'thank god you said that, I'd changed my mind and thought it would have been awkward if you'd replied saying you did want to try again'. I also found out, long after this happened whilst going through an old box of paperwork, that whilst we were together, she'd been fiddling the books financially in order to fund her expensive social life. I dodged a bullet.

 

My advice is to listen to your head and try to ignore your heart. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and you've been very sensible with your rationalisation of your situation. If I were you I'd move on with the idea she's never coming back like I did. If she does, it's a bonus, but, like I was, you'll be in the drivers seat and able to control your own destiny.

Edited November 21, 2012 by Renard99

[KatZee]

I don't agree with the guy who said she isn't a good girlfriend, I'm sure she's been amazing to you throughout these 8 years together.

 

I think she just grew up. You guys did get together extremely young, and I too agree that this split needed to happen. Neither of you know anything other than each other. You both need more life experience, something to compare each other to.

 

It's really scary when you've only been with ONE person and then you're faced with the idea of "forever" with that same person without ever having really lived, and explored. It kind of induces a bit of panic in the mind and I felt it with one of my past exes.

 

No one here can tell you whether or not she's going to come back. I think for right now, no. She's not going to come back. Please block her on social media because right now she's going to go CRAZY with partying, meeting new guys, having these "lovers." This is what she feels she needs to do, and you're not going to be happy seeing this day in and day out.

 

If you guys are going to come back together it's going to be after she's gotten this out of her system and you two are going to have a brand new relationship... you need to start pushing her to the back of your mind and moving forward with your life--without her.

[Douglas_grey]

You're absolutely right... I think I'm honestly afraid to admit that to myself though. I feel like my friends and family would find it hard to forgive her for this sudden change in character, let alone myself. Maybe I'm just in love with the idea of being with her. I put so much into our relationship and feel like I could try and save it. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous, but I'm still not sure what I want to do as far "we" go. I'm definitely not talking to her...but if she were to ever come back, I wonder what I would do. I feel like if she agreed that what she did was wrong and was willing to work and convince me she really learned something, that I would want to maybe give it a chance. I guess I've got plenty of time to think on that. I appreciate your input, thanks.

[Douglas_grey]

Agreed, I knew in the back of my mind something like this might need to happen. I know forever is a long time, and its hard to make that decision when you've only been with one person. But I was always confident in my feelings and dedication to her. I was never totally sold on her feeling that way though. Guess its better to have happened now rather than further in. I know she probably needs this, as much as it hurts me. I try and focus on myself, but honestly will always have that hope in the back of my mind that she'll come to some realization. I'm definitely aware we'd have to start from scratch if anything were to happen in the future again..."if". But I do wonder if this is the kind of thing worth moving on for good over. Thanks for your advice .

[Douglas_grey]

I really appreciate it Renard. I guess I know I need now I need to start moving onward. It would seem our past relationship will never be again. She is a different person now, and any future instances with her would be as that "new person". Not the same girl I fell in love with 8 years ago. You guys have all helped me to realize what I need to start working on. We'll see what the future holds for us, but until then I'll focus on myself. Thank you everyone.

[golk]

I went through/am going through the exact same type of situation except I didn't live with my ex. High school sweethearts and LTR. She wasn't my first but I was her f irst everything. She was my first "serious" girlfriend but the same thing happened. She got a new job, met a lot of new friends, started partying with them all the time, would blow me off to hangout with them. Would stay over at their places without telling me and all sorts of things like that. She then told me she was confused and led me on for about 1.5 months until I realized it wasn't going to work and that nothing we can do is going to bring them back. At this age, it's something that they feel like they have to do and it sucks because it's not your fault at all. Just them wanting to see what life is like without you which I was always suspicious of. It really sucks knowing that they want to go out and meet/date/f*** other people but hey I suppose we can do the same.

 

Just keep telling yourself she's never coming back and focus on that. Of course there will be a little shred of hope for a long time but that's normal. That's what is helping me right now. Why waste any of your own life on hope of someone else? People are disapointing.

[Tree_Salmon]

I went through/am going through the exact same type of situation except I didn't live with my ex. High school sweethearts and LTR. She wasn't my first but I was her f irst everything. She was my first "serious" girlfriend but the same thing happened. She got a new job, met a lot of new friends, started partying with them all the time, would blow me off to hangout with them. Would stay over at their places without telling me and all sorts of things like that. She then told me she was confused and led me on for about 1.5 months until I realized it wasn't going to work and that nothing we can do is going to bring them back. At this age, it's something that they feel like they have to do and it sucks because it's not your fault at all. Just them wanting to see what life is like without you which I was always suspicious of. It really sucks knowing that they want to go out and meet/date/f*** other people but hey I suppose we can do the same.

 

Just keep telling yourself she's never coming back and focus on that. Of course there will be a little shred of hope for a long time but that's normal. That's what is helping me right now. Why waste any of your own life on hope of someone else? People are disapointing.

 

Most of us go through this in our first relationships. I happened to me long ago and I did it to someone long ago.

 

My views have changed since those days.

I honestly dont think people should be in relationships until after 25.

I would have learned much more if I had just dated whoever i felt like dating instead of thinking about marriage that young.

 

Take this as a lesson. You are still super young and will find someone worthy.