greenthumb95 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication
BetheButterfly Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication There are many enemies that want to destroy your marriage. Marriages take integrity. They take strength. They take being able to withstand temptation. Many people struggle with thinking that the grass is greener in another pasture. They give in to temptation and oftentimes lose their marriage while doing so. Why is your wife not enough for you? Would you appreciate it if you were not enough for her? Personally, I think you should tell your wife so that she can make an informed decision. If she is fine with you having these desires and does not consider it a threat to the marriage, fine. If however, she does see them as harming the marriage, I would advise her to let you go, since exploring your fantasies seems to be more important to you than the life of your marriage. Really, you should have told her about your fantasies before marrying her. As it is, you need to be honest with her and let her decide whether this is something she is fine with or whether she wants a man who wants her and only her. 4
BetheButterfly Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 There's a good portion of women, the conservative ones, that will take it to the next level and assume you're a blasphemous homosexual in denial, as things in their eyes are only black and white. How could a man think that way and not be gay?! Is he fantasizing about other men while with me?! Has he already done something?! etc.. I feel for you OP. you desires and curiosities are being suppressed, oppressed, and more likely than not, will be vilified. The more I read on loveshack, the more I discover and realize how blessed I am, to be married to a man who loves me, who doesn't want to visit prostitutes/strip clubs, who doesn't need porn but only needs me, and who does not have sexual fantasies of having sex with guys. It seems my husband is a rare specimen of manhood: of a group who have integrity, respect and love women, and are faithful to the one they chose. I wish all women who value the same qualities as I do were similarly blessed. As for this man, if he wishes, I'm sure he could find a bisexual girl or one who is ok with his lifestyle desires. However, this woman his wife is not a monster for wanting a man who is faithful to her and wants/needs only her. She deserves the respect of being able to make her own decision, same as he deserves the respect to be allowed to be let go so he can pursue whatever he wants. Since both seem to want different things, they are not a good match for each other. He needs to be honest with her. She can't make an informed decision if she doesn't know all the factors. She can of course decide to stay in the marriage and be "fine" with him experimenting with guys, or she can decide that's not for her. Her rights are important too, same as his rights. That's why it's so important for people to commit with a person who has the same convictions. It makes things much easier and does not break the others' heart. 3
JamesM Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 The question is actually irrelevant as you are married. If the question was: "I fantasize about my wife's best friend and think about going down on her" then everyone would tell you that you need to quit obsessing as you are married. If you follow through with having sex with a man in any form, then you have cheated on your wife. It is not about you being bisexual, heterosexual or gay. It is about whether you should or should not cheat on your wife. 8
BetheButterfly Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I think it's perfectly OK if you want to have sex with men outside of your marriage, as long as your wife gets the same privilege. Logical reasoning
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 The question is actually irrelevant as you are married. If the question was: "I fantasize about my wife's best friend and think about going down on her" then everyone would tell you that you need to quit obsessing as you are married. If you follow through with having sex with a man in any form, then you have cheated on your wife. It is not about you being bisexual, heterosexual or gay. It is about whether you should or should not cheat on your wife. Your thoughts are exactly mine, James. Every point you made is 100% correct. Gay or straight, what you Green are implying you want to do is, cheat on your wife. With a guy or a girl, it's still cheating. NO WIFE is gonna let her husband go suck another man off just because he's curious. NO WIFE is gonna let her husband go down on another woman. You made a commitment and a vow to your wife - If you can't live up to that, then do talk to her and tell her the truth. Maybe marriage and staying faithful isn't something you can live up to. Admit and own it if that is the case. 1
Mittens Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 I have to agree with those who have said you should have explored these desires and feelings before you got married. I'm engaged to a bisexual man, so I know what I'm talking about. I knew him as a friend for 3 years before we became a couple, and was aware that he was having experiences with men as well as women. When we became a couple, we both agreed that we did not want an open relationship, and the fact that he was bisexual did not give him a 'open licence' to cheat. You will have to deal with your desires the same as if they were desires about another woman. You will need to decide if they are more important than your marriage....you cannot have both. 1
Mint Sauce Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 OP, you're getting a hard enough time from the other posters here, so here's a more sympathetic one. Yes, you probably have some bi-sexual curiosity, but it seems to be turning into an obsession, possibly due in large part to the way you have to hide it from your wife. It may very well be that you can live with this curiosity/fantasies without any need to act on them, if your wife knows about it and accepts it. Are you so certain that her reaction is something to fear? Depending on the tone of her jokes, she may accept much more from you than in her general conservative point-of-view. But in any case, you have to take the risk to tell her. It may turn out very well (she is understanding and you lose the desire/need to act), or it may end in separation, but either outcome is a way out of this. 1
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 23, 2012 Posted November 23, 2012 (edited) in a monogamous marriage????? He wants sex (be it full blown or just oral) with a male..... She can not provide him that. She does not have the equipment or physiology for that. If lucky he will pine for it and indulge in his urges through porn and on-line only. But this goes beyond a physiological urge. I admit when it comes to same sex needs often society has pushed the person to marry or have a traditional relationship in order to conform. Yes we all may have predilections or wants that our spouse will not participate in, but we hope they understand. However when it is same ex relations I understand how difficult it must be. What I don't understand is Mittens and how she will handle a marriage knowing her husband wants to sleep with men....... He will have that urge that regardless of what you do, you can not quench. If anyone saw the Modern Family episode with Phil and mistaken identity (guest star Mathew Broderick) I thought of it reading this thread.:p:laugh: Edited November 23, 2012 by Toodamnpragmatic
Mr. Lucky Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 in a monogamous marriage????? He wants sex (be it full blown or just oral) with a male..... She can not provide him that. She does not have the equipment or physiology for that. If lucky he will pine for it and indulge in his urges through porn and on-line only. But this goes beyond a physiological urge. I admit when it comes to same sex needs often society has pushed the person to marry or have a traditional relationship in order to conform. Yes we all may have predilections or wants that our spouse will not participate in, but we hope they understand. However when it is same ex relations I understand how difficult it must be. What I don't understand is Mittens and how she will handle a marriage knowing her husband wants to sleep with men....... He will have that urge that regardless of what you do, you can not quench. If anyone saw the Modern Family episode with Phil and mistaken identity (guest star Mathew Broderick) I thought of it reading this thread.:p:laugh: Is the problem any different than knowing her husband wants to sleep with other women? Others is others, regardless of gender. Marriage doesn't mean restricting your sexual partners to one sex, it means a restriction to one person... Mr. Lucky 2
Mittens Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Is the problem any different than knowing her husband wants to sleep with other women? Others is others, regardless of gender. Marriage doesn't mean restricting your sexual partners to one sex, it means a restriction to one person... Mr. Lucky What Mr Lucky so accurately and eloquently said. Out of both men and women, my fiancé has chosen me. Makes me pretty damn special, if you ask me!
NervisPervis Posted November 24, 2012 Posted November 24, 2012 Do pictures/videos of naked women turn you on? If you had to whack-off and had only 5 minutes to do it, do you grab a "penthouse" or "Blue Boy"? I'm just wondering if you're even bi.
j'adore Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Do pictures/videos of naked women turn you on? If you had to whack-off and had only 5 minutes to do it, do you grab a "penthouse" or "Blue Boy"? I'm just wondering if you're even bi. Just what I was thinking, this guy could be bored and bi curious. I mean everyone has fantasies. Doesn't mean they will always turn out to be more than just fantasies.
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Just what I was thinking' date=' this guy could be bored and bi curious. I mean everyone has fantasies. Doesn't mean they will always turn out to be more than just fantasies.[/quote'] Yea, i agree with you. I might be. The fantasies are getting stronger by the day it seems, and the last 3 or 4 times ive made love to my wife, i cant reach orgasm at all..and thats not good, especially when you are trying to have a baby.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Yea, i agree with you. I might be. The fantasies are getting stronger by the day it seems, and the last 3 or 4 times ive made love to my wife, i cant reach orgasm at all..and thats not good, especially when you are trying to have a baby. This has to be a joke? You are trying to have a baby with your wife meanwhile you think you're bi? Put the baby making on hold and be honest with your wife. Last thing you want is 3 years from now having a baby and finding out that you prefer men and cheat on your wife or leave her for another guy. You've been talking about this since April. WHY have you not talked to wife face to face about this? Edited January 3, 2013 by whichwayisup
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 This has to be a joke? You are trying to have a baby with your wife meanwhile you think you're bi? Put the baby making on hold and be honest with your wife. Last thing you want is 3 years from now having a baby and finding out that you prefer men and cheat on your wife or leave her for another guy. You've been talking about this since April. WHY have you not talked to wife face to face about this? We have kind of talked about it, but over facebook and text. She basically told me that unless i want to leave her for a guy(which i dont), then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. The urges to try sexual things with men are what is so intense. I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with a man.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 We have kind of talked about it, but over facebook and text. She basically told me that unless i want to leave her for a guy(which i dont), then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. The urges to try sexual things with men are what is so intense. I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with a man. Why through facebook and text? why not face to face? This is your wife, the two of you should seriously sit down and sort this out before a baby comes into the picture. She has to listen to you, so suggest the two of you go to counseling together. You could cheat on her given the right circumstances, if the desire is that strong and an opportunity came your way..Not sure if you'd say no. ?
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Honestly, I would never cheat on her. I couldnt handle the guilt of it. But i guess what is back firing is how many female friends etc, that i have spoken with about it. Well, i seem to talk more fem like on facebook and text..and then its weird because sometimes it just comes up, or she will make a teasing comment, etc.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Then you need to be pro active for a while and stop thinkin' about ze cock! Fact is, it's affecting you in bed and that's not a good thing. Your wife WILL take that personally, that you aren't into her sexually anymore and would prefer a penis instead. Just don't ever put yourself in a situation where you'll be tempted and not be able to say no. Right now you say you wouldn't cheat, I believe you.. But, if some guy was alone with you, you felt attracted to and he rubbed up against you or something along those lines, touched you .. Could you really walk away without experiencing something that you so deeply desire? yes I do believe too that you'd feel so bad and guilty afterwards, but do you have it in you to walk away from any temptation? What do your female friends all think about it and what do they tell you to do or how to handle it?
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 I think i do have it in me to to walk away. Yea, the first time it happened a few days ago..she started crying during sex. I had to masturbate almost to orgasm before we finished.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I think i do have it in me to to walk away. Yea, the first time it happened a few days ago..she started crying during sex. I had to masturbate almost to orgasm before we finished. Ouch. So what are you going to do about this? Stop fantasizing about men I hope?! Try focusing on your wife and her body..Hopefully with time you can get turned on again so you can finish and have an O with her.
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Would you be interested in private messaging? I have quite a few more questions
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 You don't have enough posts to use PM. Go around this site, start replying to others to get your post count up to at least 50 or 60 posts..Then hopefully the pm privvies will kick in.
Author greenthumb95 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Ok, well until that happens..ill post on this thread. From everything you have read, do you think i am in denial, and im more than bi?
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