can this friends thing really work for us?

[fellowes7892000]

Hi Guys - I'd really appreciate some help on this:

 

My girlfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago. Here's the summary - I took too long to say 'I love you' to her and she had started to talk herself out of loving me because she never thought it would happen despite the fact that I kept telling her how much I loved being with her and how my feelings were getting very strong. She broke up w me but we got back together for a few weeks soon after because we both agreed it was worth a shot. She kissed another guy and said it made her feel sick, she regretted it, she was so drunk, she stopped right away as soon as she thought of me, she told me the next day. I totally forgave her. I knew she would never do it again. She couldn't get back w me because she said she didn't feel like she was in that place anymore and she didn't know if she could ever love me again, and it was TOO HARD to try (to think that I'm not worth it was what cut the most). I totally loved her, and I definately still do. I want to be w her for the rest of my life. We are in Australia and she's going to live in England for a year and I told her I'd follow her soon before we broke up the 2nd time. I love her and miss her so much, I can't think of ever wanting to be w anyone else.

 

We've kept up contact - phone calls about once a week, and heaps of txt messages. We talk/txt about heaps of things - how we are going, how are our families, are you ok? type things, we both apologise to each other all the time - i apologise for taking her for granted for so long, she apologises for hurting me so badly. She txt's when she's down or somethings bothering her, even weird little things like her boobs have shrunk!! things which we used to discuss but I don't know to me it feels a bit weird now. When she calls, it's like she doesn't call to chat - she calls for something else. it's hard to explain, she calls but doesn't talk, I can tell instead of chatting, she's sitting there listening to us in her head. like she 's an onlooker. if i don't do the talking there will just be silence half the time. sometimes though we do have good conversations, usually when i call her and she doesn't expect it - she doesn't have the inhibitions then. I tell her that I miss her and she says she misses me too. A couple of times when she's called up because she was feeling down, she has even started crying and saying "sometimes i think I''m the dumbest girl in the world for letting you go". That makes me want her even more!!!

 

But after we talk, I feel like ****. I'm sick of crying. I hate to admit it but that's all I do these days. hardly a manly thing to do i know. And sometimes her txt's are weird - like yesterday she texted me and asked "what r u up to tonight?" which is so something she would never ordinarily ask. Then she called last night but seemed like she was in a hurry to get off the phone. I'm totally spun out here. She keeps mentioning this ball I'm going to soon which she was originally invited to be my partner at. I sometimes think she wants me to ask her to still come, just so she can say no. It's all weird.

 

She wants to be friends, and she wants me to be there when she needs me. I do too, but I want so badly to be so much more. I love her. If we do succeed in trying to be friends for a bit longer, eventually she'll find someone new and I won't be able to handle it. It would kill me. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused and the only thing that I know for sure in my life right now is that I love her.

What should i do??

 

thanks

dave

[disconcertainly]

If you choose to remain Friends it will only prolong you pain. Just nip it in the tale. Don't be rude just No-Contact....if you do be friends it only going to hurt you more.

[dreamguy]

fellowes7892000,

 

She couldn't get back w me because she said she didn't feel like she was in that place anymore and she didn't know if she could ever love me again, and it was TOO HARD to try (to think that I'm not worth it was what cut the most).

When someone doesn't know and is confused, the best thing you can do is to distance yourself from them. Don't be fooled into thinking that the closer to her you remain the more you'll help her know what she wants... yes she might know what she wants and it won't be you !! You pampered her to much by saying you loved being with her, your feelings were getting stronger and especially by forgiving her after she kissed another guy ! You're being taken for granted here buddy. Wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Do you know why she doesn't talk when she calls you ? Do you even know why she calls you in the first place ?

Because she needs that reassurance and comfort that you're still there for her. I'll tell you this and you'd better believe it: As long as you give her this then she'll never make a decision and you'll remain a simple friend in her eyes until she gets over you and starts dating another guy.

 

she has even started crying and saying "sometimes i think I''m the dumbest girl in the world for letting you go". That makes me want her even more!!!

Well that's great but you're not really making her experience what it's like to TOTALLY LOSE YOU. In her eyes you're still around. She can get you back whenever she wants. And this doesn't make her want you more !!

Lesson 1 (Economics 101): When people know you want something so much then the price automatically goes up !

When you accept to be her friend then she knows you don't have the b*llls to be a man and let her go. She knows you want her so much... the price is going up and you're hearing words like "you're not worth it".

 

If we do succeed in trying to be friends for a bit longer, eventually she'll find someone new and I won't be able to handle it. What should i do??

There you go ! You said it yourself so why do you accept to be her friend ? Why do you give her the comfort she wants while she seeks another person to be with ? What you should do is the following: Dump her and let her go (by cutting all forms of contact with her) before she gets the chance of burning you alive and running off with some other guy right in front of your crying eyes !

When you ignore her it'll help you with two things:

1) You'll feel better as time passes by. Trust me, I've been there many times.

2) She'll feel you don't want her anymore and her price (the price you have to pay to be with her) will start going down !

 

You know what you should do. The question is "Can you do it ?" Think about it carefully and be smart !

[fellowes7892000]

I guess I'm trying to be her friend because I'm so unbelievably sorry for what I did by keeping her waiting so long. I can't believe that I was so stupid to take her for granted. Also, I don't want her to go through any more pain than she has to. I don't want her feeling bad - I know this just hurts me but rather me than her. I hear everything you say, and yes I've seen that when I don't contact her for a while she always contacts me, so I know walking away will open her eyes more to what she has lost but just knowing that this will hurt her makes it so tough. Maybe I don't have any b*lls.

thanks heaps for your help so far guys

[dreamguy]

I think you do have the b*lls to do it but you also have a big heart.

If you want this heart to keep beating and help it survive then you are better off telling her that you still care so much for her and this is exactly why you cannot lie and pretend you are her friend. Then stop contacting her for a while (I'm talking about weeks not days).

[fellowes7892000]

Thanks for everyones help, here's the latest in case anyone would like to offer an opinion,

 

 

i was trying no contact lately (only really the last week or so) but she has contacted me several times with texts and even called me.

She actually texted me asking me what I was "doing tonight" the other day, which was always her preamble to "lets get together and do something" in the past. I told her I wasn't doing anything major. Then she called me on my mobile which she never does (she always calls my home phone), and we had a chat and she illuded to her bringing this mobile phone battery of mine that she still has over to me. I told her I thought she should just throw it out because having it lying around would only be yet another reminder and I'm still not coping with being just friends very well. I told her that it's still very hard for me and she apologised that she might have not realised. BUT THEN - the very next day she texts me asking if I want to get together for a coffee (we haven't seen in each other in almost 2 months). Beside the fact that I don't know if I'm ready to meet with her and do things like that, I was too busy with things that day, so I just texted her back saying I had too much on, but definately another time. She texted back late that night saying that her bids to see me are just to selfishly comfort herself and that she was sorry. Here I was thinking either (a) I think she is just really wanting this friends thing to work out, or (b) O my god, there is the very tiniest chance that maybe she wants me back(I knew this was a very long shot).

 

But it seems I was actually the fool again. She just knew that I'd be nice to her, tell her she was lovable, and beautiful etc, then she'd be right for another few weeks. I do feel sometimes that this was a very inconsiderate and selfish thing to do by her, but I can't hang onto these thoughts. I know she didn't propose it just to help herself, she probably did want to see me just to see me to some extent, and I'm sure if she thought hard about what it would be like for me to see her, she probably wouldn't have asked. It just seems though that I'm always defending her actions, and that disappoints me sometimes. But just to thnk of what she always gave me, and how much I care for her, just makes me feel like I'm still so totally in love with her. I know that I still am, there's no question.

 

We texted again this morning though and it's all bad. Last night a girl wanted to hook up with me and although she's a great girl, I couldn't do it. I'm too in love with my ex. I stupidly texted my ex early this morning drunk and saying how much I loved her and this was killing me, and now another poor girl has been hurt (she started crying because her friends had for some stupid reason told her I was actually keen on her, then I had to tell her I was in love with someone else...thanks "friends"). My ex texted back encouraging me to persue this new girl, saying it might be the best thing for me etc. She said she's not ready to move on either, but one day we both will. This cut very much to hear her advise me to persue this new girl. Does that mean there's definately no question now ??- she never wants to get back together?????. I'm pretty shattered about this, it has really hit me hard.

 

Just thought I'd give you an update, writing about it is the only way I can get an objective view of the situation, and everyones feedback is always so helpful, so thanks for reading

 

cheers

dave

[dyermaker]

: Dave. If your ex's name is Jane, say this. If not, still say it, but substituting "Jane" for whatever her name is, or a suitable nickname. Your oppurtunity to say this is the next time she contacts you, and tries to get you to fulfill a friend role.

Jane,

 

I still love you, and you don't feel the same way about me. This hurts, but I'll survive. Every time I think of you, which is often, I feel like I've failed. I would love to be your friend, if just to be close to you. But I can't do that. It's nothing personal, and I'm not trying to hurt you. I just can't be reminded of that failure every time you talk to me. I can't hear about your life knowing I'm not a part of it. I can't witness you love someone else. I do care about you, a lot, and if you cared about me at all, you'd understand--I can't be the friend you want me to be. I need you out of my life in order to move on.

[fellowes7892000]

interesting.... i'll have a think about it.I guess I'd rather drift apart than have a kind of 'friendship breakup'. i can definately feel that the point will come where we both realise it's too hard. I can see some of the merits of just walking away totally though. aaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!! this is so hard

[dyermaker]

: The thing is, you won't drift slowly apart. If she wants to be friends, she'll constantly be in your life, and that's not what you want.