Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Hi All. I'm 19 and I've been dating this amazing guy for almost 2 years. He is in his late 30s. I've known since I was 15, but we didn't start dating until I was like 17/18, and it has been great ever since. I thought the age difference would be weird, but it hasn't interfered with our relationship. My family loves him, and his parents adore me. In the beginning of the relationship we didn't really talk about sex. We mainly focused on enjoying each other's company. About six months into our relationship he asked me about sex, and I told him I was a virgin and wanted to wait. He told me he admired me for waiting, and he left it at that. After that he didn't mention sex until we moved in together a few weeks ago. He told me we needed to take our relationship to the next level like sexually. I told him again I wasn't ready. This time he was really upset, and said I needed to grow up. I thought that was a really immature thing for him to say, so we got into a fight about that. But, what I'm wondering is...is no sex a deal breaker? I'm just have anxiety about my first time. I trust him and eventually I want to make love, but I just have his intense anxiety about sex right now.
charlietheginger Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You were 17 met a guy in his late 30s Now your 19 moved in with him ... Guys a creep by pressuring you into sex becuase you no live with him... If i were you move out go back home Find a girlfriend to live with or something Date guys closer to your age... becuase 40 and 19 = creepola 1
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 You were 17 met a guy in his late 30s Now your 19 moved in with him ... Guys a creep by pressuring you into sex becuase you no live with him... If i were you move out go back home Find a girlfriend to live with or something Date guys closer to your age... becuase 40 and 19 = creepola He's not pressuring me that much into sex, and he's not a creeper. We're both adults.
cloudatlas Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 So, why aren't you ready to sleep with him? There has to be a reason. Are you in love with him? Have you done anything sexual? Also, seconding the too old for you. 1
Sameold Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Eventually you will dump him when you realise you can have younger meat! I would say that having been going out for that long and not having sex fairplay to the guy for sticking with it though. Who goes out for 2 years and doesn't have sex... If you're not ready for it then really you're not ready for an adult relationship and all it entails. 3
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 as you are both adults i wont judge the age thing you have th eright to choose who you are with....what my advice to you is....stand your ground with the sex......it is your right to say when that time is and not before you are ready for that to happen,he needs to respect your decision if he doesn't then the relationship is in trouble.... if he doesn't respect your wishes that disregard is going to happen, not only with sex but most issues of importance ..he will try and over ride you..him being older does not equate to him having total control......or give him the right to disregard what you say and pull the immaturity rap on you to get what he wants or desires that is immaturity...as you respect him so should he respect you...its not about age....its about mutual respect in decisions and he needs to know you have final say when it comes to when your first time shall be.....or he needs to leave or you do if he does not respect that...i wish you luck and hope he respects your wishes....deb 2
iiiii Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 It's your right to decide when you're ready, but it will be pretty hard on him to go years without any sex, so I think it's only fair for you to do some soul searching so you can tell him exactly why you're not ready yet. I take it you've done other sexual things? And that you are attracted to him?
ascendotum Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 (edited) You were 17 met a guy in his late 30s Now your 19 moved in with him ... Guys a creep by pressuring you into sex becuase you no live with him... They have been together for 2 whole years. Plenty of guys push for sex with a girl on night 1....that's pressure, not 700 odd days down the line. On one hand I agree if the girl is not ready you should allow her to comfortable with it on her own terms, but 2 yrs + sharing a house together, lets be realistic. The majority of guys are going to be disappointed, unless there was an agreement where the girl wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. (leaving the age gap out his) OP - His response was immature I agree, but one born out of frustration no doubt. You need to give him a clear idea of what it is you are waiting for to be ready or ideally what specific aspect of sex is causing you to worry. From his perspective he is getting older and his horny days are on the decline so he wants to make the most of them. Throw in the fact that he shares a bed (assumption) with a young sexy girl and he's frustrated. Obviously its not a deal breaker so far, but for the vast majority of relationships starting out it would be and it could easily be for your relationship as well at some point. Why don't you ease into greater intimacy progressively. nearly naked massages, baths/showers together, masterbate each other, oral sex, etc. Would this still cause anxiety? Are you embarrassed about your body or his? Edited November 21, 2012 by ascendotum 1
LittleTiger Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Yes, 'no sex in a relationship' is a deal breaker. Ignoring the age difference which, although pretty extreme, is your own business, I am rather suprised that this guy has chosen to move in with you before you started having sex! Sex is what makes the difference between a friendship and an adult romantic relationship. The physical connection is what creates that deep emotional bond between two people who love each other and are physically attracted to one another. The fact that you have already known this guy for two years, that you are presumably in love with him, since you have moved in together, and that you are 19 (which is generally considered sexually mature) but still aren't ready for sex, does raise one very important question. Are you really ready for a committed, romantic relationship? My guess is you are not. This guy has been remarkably patient. He clearly loves you or he wouldn't have waited so long. However, it is perfectly reasonable for him to 'expect' a sexual relationship now that you are a grown woman and living with him permanently. Perhaps you would be better to take a step back until you are ready for the kind of relationship he wants. 1
USMCHokie Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Does this actually happen in real life...? And if so, where can I find myself one...? And yes, no sex is a very valid deal breaker, without exception. Hell, bad sex is a very valid deal breaker. I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting it on the side while waiting for you to become of age. Or he's gay.
phineas Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I can't imagine an almost 40 yr old practically wifing up a 19yr old that won't have sex with him. seriously? There has to be more to this story. My thoughts are he's WKing her, sugar daddying her, providing for her & she is just sucking him dry. (financially) only & now trying to blame shift it on him. this guy has to be one desperate mofo to get himself into a situation like this.
Pompom Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 This time he was really upset, and said I needed to grow up. I thought that was a really immature thing for him to say, so we got into a fight about that. But, what I'm wondering is...is no sex a deal breaker? I'm just have anxiety about my first time. I trust him and eventually I want to make love, but I just have his intense anxiety about sex right now. Honestly, 2 years, no sex and what exactly are you waiting for? I totally understand him. If he hasn't been cheating on you in the meantime, he deserves a lot of respect for having been left high and dry for this long and it's not surprising he reacted the way he did. And yes, it's a deal breaker. If you want no sex, just stay friends, don't raise hopes. Marriages have ended over weeks, not years, without sex.
BetheButterfly Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Hi All. I'm 19 and I've been dating this amazing guy for almost 2 years. He is in his late 30s. I've known since I was 15, but we didn't start dating until I was like 17/18, and it has been great ever since. I thought the age difference would be weird, but it hasn't interfered with our relationship. My family loves him, and his parents adore me. In the beginning of the relationship we didn't really talk about sex. We mainly focused on enjoying each other's company. About six months into our relationship he asked me about sex, and I told him I was a virgin and wanted to wait. He told me he admired me for waiting, and he left it at that. After that he didn't mention sex until we moved in together a few weeks ago. He told me we needed to take our relationship to the next level like sexually. I told him again I wasn't ready. This time he was really upset, and said I needed to grow up. I thought that was a really immature thing for him to say, so we got into a fight about that. But, what I'm wondering is...is no sex a deal breaker? I'm just have anxiety about my first time. I trust him and eventually I want to make love, but I just have his intense anxiety about sex right now. Why are you anxious? Are you a virgin because you want to wait until marriage to have sex? About him, I don't see why he's mad at you. When someone is anxious about something, getting mad at that person doesn't help anything. I think it just makes you more anxious and afraid. What you need to do is get to the heart of WHY you are anxious, as well as WHY you want to wait. If it's a spiritual reason that you want to wait, then his getting mad at you shows you that he is not the man for you. If it's just a reason as to being scared, then he needs to be more understanding and realize it's a big step for you, and instead of getting mad at you, he needs to learn the art of seducing you in a way where you feel DESIRE - WHERE YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE WITH HIM. It doesn't help to feel forced/coerced into doing anything. So, ask yourself why you are waiting, and why you are anxious. If he is not willing to wait and romance you into enjoying lovemaking for the first time, he is not the man for you. I personally would encourage you to move out and to wait for a man who doesn't get mad but rather takes your breathe away and who you trust enough to give yourself to, who does not make you anxious but rather makes your heart beat faster and makes you desire him. 2
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 So, why aren't you ready to sleep with him? There has to be a reason. Are you in love with him? Have you done anything sexual? Also, seconding the too old for you. I am in love with him, and we've touch and stuff. I give him oral sex,but that's like a ultimatum kind of thing. But, I don't know why I'm anxious, if I knew I would have resolved it, so I can sleep with him in peace. :/
bobsmith76 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You shouldn't live with him if you're not prepared to have sex with him. Also I disagree with many people in this forum who believe that he's too old for you. Leo Tolstoy, one of the greatest authors ever, married a 16 year old when he was 32 years old, even though that was in the 1860s. I think Celine Dion married someone in his 40s or even 50s when she was a teenager. Finally, there's nothing immature about him wanting sex. It's just that you have a disagreement about values. Because one person values something and the other doesn't, doesn't mean one is immature and the other isn't. Immature means you act like a child and there is certainly nothing immature about desiring sex. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 And yes, no sex is a very valid deal breaker, without exception. Hell, bad sex is a very valid deal breaker. I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting it on the side while waiting for you to become of age. Or he's gay. I second this in fact no sex is such a valid deal breaker that one can go into court and have a sexless marriage annulled (as if it never occurred) if there is no sex to consummate the relationship. That is true even under Catholic cannon law, Jeish Halacha, and Islamic Sharia....and we know how religions view dissolving a marriage in general. My advice to you would be this. Either you are ready for an adult relationship or your not. If you are get on birth control, and if it helps you to be married marry him (Your living together and have been dating for two years already), then have sex with him like a grown woman. If you are not ready for sex then cut him loose to find someone who is.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Also I disagree with many people in this forum who believe that he's too old for you. Leo Tolstoy, one of the greatest authors ever, married a 16 year old when he was 32 years old, even though that was in the 1860s. I think Celine Dion married someone in his 40s or even 50s when she was a teenager. Even better Beyonce and Jay-Z: eHarmony Advice Looks at a Celebrity Relationship - eHarmony Advice JayZ started dating Beyonce when she was about 17/18 years old and he was like 32. Shortly after that the made this video and pretty much everyone knew they were in love at that point, though, they wouldn't admit it. And they still got it. There is nothing wrong with a larger than average age gap as long as the people in the RLship can work out their signals.
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I second this in fact no sex is such a valid deal breaker that one can go into court and have a sexless marriage annulled (as if it never occurred) if there is no sex to consummate the relationship. That is true even under Catholic cannon law, Jeish Halacha, and Islamic Sharia....and we know how religions view dissolving a marriage in general. My advice to you would be this. Either you are ready for an adult relationship or your not. If you are get on birth control, and if it helps you to be married marry him (Your living together and have been dating for two years already), then have sex with him like a grown woman. If you are not ready for sex then cut him loose to find someone who is. I am ready for adult relationship. I dont think sex is the only thing that makes a relationship an "adult" one. I'm just not ready for sex yet, and it's pushing two years, and I want both of us to be happy and satisfied in our relationship. But, I don't want all we shared to end because something stupid like sex.
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 You shouldn't live with him if you're not prepared to have sex with him. Also I disagree with many people in this forum who believe that he's too old for you. Leo Tolstoy, one of the greatest authors ever, married a 16 year old when he was 32 years old, even though that was in the 1860s. I think Celine Dion married someone in his 40s or even 50s when she was a teenager. Finally, there's nothing immature about him wanting sex. It's just that you have a disagreement about values. Because one person values something and the other doesn't, doesn't mean one is immature and the other isn't. Immature means you act like a child and there is certainly nothing immature about desiring sex. I thought living together would bring us closer in our relationship....I wasn't even thinking about sex when I moved in with him. I just wanted to be with him instead of living on campus.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 (edited) I am ready for adult relationship. I dont think sex is the only thing that makes a relationship an "adult" one. I'm just not ready for sex yet, and it's pushing two years, and I want both of us to be happy and satisfied in our relationship. But, I don't want all we shared to end because something stupid like sex. Your right sex isn't the only thing. In knowing that you are ahead of the learning curve, many young people have to learn that by trying to build a real relationship off of sex. The best way of looking at these things I know if is that the ingredients of love are like the components needed for a fire. Intimacy - real emotional connection with someone. If you have this alone you are a real friend. You and him have this. Commitment - real true commitment as signified by concrete actions. You and him have this. Last Passion - A physical desire and the physical act(s) of a sexual nature. With passion alone one is infatuated, with passion +the other two one is really truly in love. Most "true adult love" as it has been called here has lots of passion, lots of intimacy but no real commitment. This isn't just my opinion. http://www.hofstra.edu/pdf/community/slzctr/stdcsl/stdcsl_triangular.pdf Your man is telling you he needs passion....he needs what yet another psychologist calls the love language of touch in it's most extreme form. He needs sex and sexuality in his life, as does anyone his age (about my own age). If you are in a relationship at his age, living together it is understood that sex is part of the arrangement. There are two reasons people move in together, to save on rent, and to have sex with privacy. Edited November 21, 2012 by Mrlonelyone
USMCHokie Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I am ready for adult relationship. I dont think sex is the only thing that makes a relationship an "adult" one. I'm just not ready for sex yet, and it's pushing two years, and I want both of us to be happy and satisfied in our relationship. But, I don't want all we shared to end because something stupid like sex. The moment you stop putting sex on a pedestal is one step closer to you understanding what an adult relationship is... Dunning Kruger Effect...
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Your right sex isn't the only thing. In knowing that you are ahead of the learning curve, many young people have to learn that by trying to build a real relationship off of sex. The best way of looking at these things I know if is that the ingredients of love are like the components needed for a fire. Intimacy - real emotional connection with someone. If you have this alone you are a real friend. You and him have this. Commitment - real true commitment as signified by concrete actions. You and him have this. Last Passion - A physical desire and the physical act(s) of a sexual nature. With passion alone one is infatuated, with passion +the other two one is really truly in love. Most "true adult love" as it has been called here has lots of passion, lots of intimacy but no real commitment. This isn't just my opinion. http://www.hofstra.edu/pdf/community/slzctr/stdcsl/stdcsl_triangular.pdf Your man is telling you he needs passion....he needs what yet another psychologist calls the love language of touch in it's most extreme form. He needs sex and sexuality in his life, as does anyone his age (about my own age). If you are in a relationship at his age, living together it is understood that sex is part of the arrangement. There are two reasons people move in together, to save on rent, and to have sex with privacy. That would make sense that so quickly into moving together he's already asking for sex. I just wish I knew moving in meant more pressure into sex. I would have prepared myself better. I guess I was being naive...again. These unspoken rules are annoying -__-
Author Alexiss Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 The moment you stop putting sex on a pedestal is one step closer to you understanding what an adult relationship is... Dunning Kruger Effect... I just dont want my first time to be filled with anxiety. It should be enjoyable and perfect. I know I'm going to be nervous regardless, but what I feel is beyond nervousness.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 That would make sense that so quickly into moving together he's already asking for sex. I just wish I knew moving in meant more pressure into sex. I would have prepared myself better. I guess I was being naive...again. These unspoken rules are annoying -__- They sure are. Think about it logically. If you are living together, sleeping in the same bed, half naked or naked... sex could just happen. Now his approach of "pressuring" you is the wrong way to go. An older man/woman with a younger woman/man has to be gentle and seductive about this. Someone his age, even if he is inexperience for his age, has more experience than you. He needs to lead you in the dance even though you don't know the steps yet. If this is done properly you will find yourself enjoying a satisfying passionate sex life, real friendship, and a fair level of commitment. Again, if you aren't ready for sex 100% then he may just leave you. Sex is one of the cornerstones of romantic loving adult relationship. Wanting to have sex dosen't make someone a creep.
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