Obsessing over affair, how to stop?

[tornandconfused12]

My husband and I are reconciling and things are going fairly well although we tend to get into a lousy argument over it once every couple of weeks, almost like clockwork. I have a HUGE tendency towards obsessing over things and that started decades ago, it's nothing new. I'm on antidepressants, going to IC (spouse also going to his own IC), and I've raked him over the coals about a 1000 times so far. Believe me, if there are 20 ways to essentially ask the same question, I can find another 5 ways beyond that. He's answering the questions although it's a huge waste of time at this point, the repetitiveness of it and on my part. I'm not getting any additional information because of my interrogating and I'm sure it's because there's no more information to get.

 

Thing is, I don't want to think about this anymore, I really, really don't. I'm sort of obsessed with details pertaining to the OW herself but mostly the dynamics of their short-lived affair. From a logical, standing outside myself point of view, I know the obsessing and questioning isn't helping me because I end up feeling worse instead of better. I feel worse not because of the responses, good or bad, but because I know it's an energy draining activity and if nothing else a huge waste of time.

 

I believe, like much else in my life I have obsessed over, I am doing all of the questioning as a way to try and relieve my anxiety surrounding the affair. I'm a horribly anxious person as it is, always have been. When I get in this mode I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running to get nowhere. If there wasn't this there would be something else I'd be anxious about and obsessing over.

 

I keep seeing the OW's face in my head and I feel out of control over it, God knows it's not like I want to think about her or what happened. Also, I'm not worried about driving my husband crazy with my obsessing. It IS a facet of my personality that bothers him and always has, the obsessing in general, but I'm not worried about him. I want it to stop for my own sanity. At the end of the day I have no energy left for anything else and if the little wench knew how much time I spent and energy wasted thinking about her, she'd laugh her 23yo azz off. That alone p*sses me off but apparently not enough to stop obsessing.

 

Anyone have something that has worked for them in their own situation with the OW/OM/affair and obsessing over it? What did you do that worked for you?

 

• I'm on antidepressants and valium but still have a fair amount of anxiety/obsessing.
  
• Seeing a counselor once a week.
  
• Being open/honest with fWS and vice versa.
  
• Sometimes distracting myself works but there are days I get on a downward spiral and can't seem to pull myself out of it. We usually end up having a huge argument when this happens. That happened twice today.
  

[2sure]

I ran. Outside. In every weather.

I also have anxiety, and running or fast paced walking is what I've learned helps the most. I hate running. But it works, it's cleansing.

[tornandconfused12]

I ran. Outside. In every weather.

I also have anxiety, and running or fast paced walking is what I've learned helps the most. I hate running. But it works, it's cleansing.

 

Yah, I hate running too but do it. I did take a long walk this evening and it helped some, even though it's cold and wet outside.

[2sure]

Really run if you can . Power walk if you can't. The energy spent seemed to literally burn off my anxiety. It left me too exhausted to get angry and the feel good chemicals afterward made me relax. Running is almost aggressive and I needed to release that. Running worked better than my medication, yoga, meditation, all that.

 

You're trying to figure out what happened to you. And thats naturalbut now you have to understand that you know what happened, and start getting comfortable with it.

[BetrayedH]

It's going to take...TIME. What a four-letter word that is, huh?

 

I'm about a year and a half past Dday (and divorced) and it's still very much a daily thought process. It's a gift that keeps on giving. They do the crime and we do the time. As far as I can tell, it's a 2-5 year sentence whether you reconcile or divorce. I feel like I am starting to get towards normal but I also recently went back on ADs, probably due to the finality of the D.

 

I suggest you cut yourself some slack. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" at all. There's no silver bullet. It's seeing his consistent actions over time that will matter the most. When you have anxiety, address it. Ask the questions and insist on the transparency and quit blaming yourself for it.

 

Otherwise, try not to let it ruin the rest of your life. Some people manage to designate set times for affair-related discussions or use a journal to write back and forth to one another. You can start to control how much of your life you will commit to it.

[Mr. Lucky]

They do the crime and we do the time. As far as I can tell, it's a 2-5 year sentence whether you reconcile or divorce.

I hate to rain on your 2-5 year parade but it's been three decades since my xW cheated on me and we were divorced and I can still feel the wound despite being happily remarried for 25 of those years. Especially if you have kids and have to interact over time, it doesn't go away. I still get a flash of anger every time I see her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

I hate to rain on your 2-5 year parade but it's been three decades since my xW cheated on me and we were divorced and I can still feel the wound despite being happily remarried for 25 of those years. Especially if you have kids and have to interact over time, it doesn't go away. I still get a flash of anger every time I see her...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think you and I might be pretty similar. My kids are 10 and 6 so I have many years of nearly daily contact ahead of me. I'm going to be pissed off for quite some time, maybe forever. I'm hoping the daily "obsessive" thoughts pass a bit sooner.

[meandmyself]

I've been the OW and I have been the one cheated on before. I am trying to remember back when I was cheated on and I don't really remember every obsessing because I asked everything I needed to know, and he answered accordingly, and the fact that he was with me in the end and not her was good enough for me.[/b]

 

But it also might have helped a great deal when I made him call the OW on the phone in front of ME to tell her it was over and to listen to her yell at him was a satisying enough ending for ME. That was the only way for me to get closure. You need something, I am not sure what that is, in order to get closure on the questions you have. Find out what that is and allow him do that for you.

`

Karma exists!

[waterwoman]

How long has it been torn?

 

I am 5 months in and it is getting easier. In fact when I get a bad day now it comes as a shock, whereas in the first few months it was more bad days than good.

 

Counselling helped me. Ditto running. The other thing I have been doing is listening to podcasts on my phone - downloading anythnig I know that will grab my interest enough to keep me away from thinking about the affair.

 

In the beginning I wanted to know everything like you. H was very patient and never minded my questions but he got frustrated at times because there were things he simply couldn't remember as they were not important to him. And he got upset that this answers sometimes upset me. But he couldn't tell me that he didn't still love her A real mess.

 

A few weeks ago I went to a counselling session that seemed to shift something in my brain. I realised that I could cope without him, if he wanted to leave then so be it. The next day I just got angry! I went running but was sobbing so hard I couldn't run so I called H and he came and picked me up and we sat and talked - well, I shouted and called them both all the horrible things I had been keeping tucked away inside. I had been so reasonable and 'mature' up till that point, but as H put it I had reached the end of my rope! He wrote me a letter the next day. Laying out how much he loved me, how scared he had been, how he still cared about her a little but not nearly enough to compare with his feelings for me. I finally felt that it was over and done. I could begin to move on.

 

Still have triggers - usually when someone outside the marriage mentions the affair and offers me their sympathy and tell me how 'brave' I am being Makes me feel like I've got cancer or something..... I'll have a unhappy 24 hours but it passes.

 

Time, patience, distractions and true remorse and love from your H will do it.

[road]

My husband and I are reconciling and things are going fairly well although we tend to get into a lousy argument over it once every couple of weeks, almost like clockwork. I have a HUGE tendency towards obsessing over things and that started decades ago, it's nothing new. I'm on antidepressants, going to IC (spouse also going to his own IC), and I've raked him over the coals about a 1000 times so far. Believe me, if there are 20 ways to essentially ask the same question, I can find another 5 ways beyond that. He's answering the questions

Well being you WH has answered all of your questions.

 

And re asking the same questions in a different manner is done so the questioner can see if the answers match up. If they do they know they are getting the truth.

 

It is time to stop asking questions.

 

Every question that you ask keeps the affair fresh in your memory instead of those memories fading.

 

You now know all.

 

STOP ASKING and talking about the affair.

[Snowflower]

I'm not getting any additional information because of my interrogating and I'm sure it's because there's no more information to get.

 

Thing is, I don't want to think about this anymore, I really, really don't. I'm sort of obsessed with details pertaining to the OW herself but mostly the dynamics of their short-lived affair. From a logical, standing outside myself point of view, I know the obsessing and questioning isn't helping me because I end up feeling worse instead of better. I feel worse not because of the responses, good or bad, but because I know it's an energy draining activity and if nothing else a huge waste of time.

 

I believe, like much else in my life I have obsessed over, I am doing all of the questioning as a way to try and relieve my anxiety surrounding the affair. I'm a horribly anxious person as it is, always have been. When I get in this mode I feel like a hamster on a wheel, running to get nowhere. If there wasn't this there would be something else I'd be anxious about and obsessing over.

 

I keep seeing the OW's face in my head and I feel out of control over it, God knows it's not like I want to think about her or what happened. Also, I'm not worried about driving my husband crazy with my obsessing. It IS a facet of my personality that bothers him and always has, the obsessing in general, but I'm not worried about him. I want it to stop for my own sanity. At the end of the day I have no energy left for anything else and if the little wench knew how much time I spent and energy wasted thinking about her, she'd laugh her 23yo azz off. That alone p*sses me off but apparently not enough to stop obsessing.

 

Anyone have something that has worked for them in their own situation with the OW/OM/affair and obsessing over it? What did you do that worked for you

 

You know, I never was obsessive before my husband had an affair. But afterward, I found myself doing a lot of the same things that you describe above. Obsessing about HER (what did she have that I didn't), the details of their conversations, etc. I was really bad about this for a long time. I would think it to death. So, I think it is pretty well expected that you are doing this and it is not just some aspect of having a bit of an obsessive side to your personality.

 

Honestly, I think you hit the nail on the head...you mentioned that you are thinking about this so much because you are trying to relieve your anxiety and regain control of your situation. This makes a lot of sense and it seems like a healthy response.

 

For me it took time a lot of time. As in about 3 years. Like you, I asked questions of my husband obsessively (there's that word again ) for months. I finally became satisfied with his answers and then moved onto obsess about it in my head for what seemed like forever.

 

I'm not sure what changed it for me other than the passing of time and my changing perception. This past year has really brought a lot of changes for me in my thought process. Some of it is just the passing of time and changing events but yeah, I just changed.

 

You will get there. In the meantime, try to find things to keep you busy in a good way and in monumental ways that will help you. Throw yourself into your career, go back to school, go do something big that you have always wanted to do but you haven't because you've been married and had others to consider.

 

And exercise always helps, like 2sure mentioned. One small good thing that came out of the whole mess is that exercise became a habit for me. First as a way to distract and exhaust myself and then I became addicted to it. I'm now in the best shape of my adult life...a good thing that came out of all that "stupidness.":)

[NotCamelot]

 

You now know all.

 

STOP ASKING and talking about the affair.

 

 

I would not say you know all. I think they (betrayers) keep some secrets we never know.

 

But.........

 

Yes, stop asking!!!

 

I am a little over 6 months since D-Day. It does get better if BOTH of you are "fixing" it.

 

I was the same as you. Almost every waking moment had the thoughts in it. I kept bring it up. And, of course, all the WS's get over what they did much easier than we do. But she really wanted to put it behind us and was tired of answering the same questions that I just asked in a different way.

 

It kept things kind of fresh and made me even more miserable.

 

I stopped it. I knew, maybe not everything, but everything that really mattered. Do you really need to know more????? No. He strayed, that is the thing you need to know more than anything.

 

Focus on the positives. He is there with YOU - not gone to be with her.

 

I found things to do that I used to love.......things I quit doing to obsess ...... I went back to doing them. Keeps my mind off of it. And this does work. But, it works because my W actively helps.

 

Please find a way to stop thinking about it. It is NOT easy and there is no switch to flip that will make it go away instantly.

 

But, it does get better. "Time heals all wounds in mice and men."........women too.

[drifter777]

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”

― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

 

I understand everything you are saying and suffering through and can tell you that there is no silver bullet or shortcut to recovery. We're all different and it's going to take as long as it takes. You need to accept that fact and prepare yourself for the reality of reconciliation. It's really, really hard and it take a really, really long time.

 

One thing you need to consider and work out in counseling is whether you truly want to reconcile. You may passionately believe you do right now, but deep down you may know that you are not being true with yourself. It's worth delving in to because the answer is important for you either way.

[TheCollector]

 

[/i]

 

One thing you need to consider and work out in counseling is whether you truly want to reconcile. You may passionately believe you do right now, but deep down you may know that you are not being true with yourself. It's worth delving in to because the answer is important for you either way.

 

This is me in a nutshell drifter.....well said.

 

Look deep down to find what you really want/need. I sincerely want my marriage to work but I too keep obsessing over every little detail of my wife's affair.... Even almost a year and a half later...

 

Now I'm changing my perception of things (thanks to a lot of the posters on this forum) and now I'm seeing that I just might not want it to work... Take a hard look at your marriage overall and make this decision.

[ComingInHot]

torn;

The part that got me was, "laughing her twenty whater-aged ass off"!

My husband's FOW was younger than me and that really affected me. That and she literally stalked me continued to spew hurtful things at me).

 

I think I questioned myself most of all: Am I Not pretty enough? Smart enough? Talented enough? Fun enough? Sexy enough??!! Etc... then I'd get more angry at my husband for possibly thinking these same things.

 

A couple things happened to help me Obsess less: OW continuously made herself look worse & worse by showing her true colors to my husband by attacking me. He found himself defending me and Meaning it. My support group not just telling me how much better I am (ya know cause that's there job) but pointing out ALL of her shortcomings that I seemed to be blind to. And honestly and this is not the nicest thing of me, but seeing her web of deceit and her entire foundation fall apart from losing her job, getting fired from her second and so on.

I don't think it is right to rejoice in another's pain and yet I found some sick pleasure knowing this about her w/out me doing anything less than respectful.

 

Today I really don't "consider" her at all and THAT FEELS GOOOOOOD!!!

[tornandconfused12]

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”

― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

 

I understand everything you are saying and suffering through and can tell you that there is no silver bullet or shortcut to recovery. We're all different and it's going to take as long as it takes. You need to accept that fact and prepare yourself for the reality of reconciliation. It's really, really hard and it take a really, really long time.

 

One thing you need to consider and work out in counseling is whether you truly want to reconcile. You may passionately believe you do right now, but deep down you may know that you are not being true with yourself. It's worth delving in to because the answer is important for you either way.

 

Thanks for bringing the bolded part up as this is something that has been on my mind the last few days. I'm not always 100% there in that I want to work things out, reconcile. None of us can predict the future but I think long and hard on the possibility of the cheating ever happening again. That thought alone is enough to give me pause.

[tornandconfused12]

It's going to take...TIME. What a four-letter word that is, huh?

 

I'm about a year and a half past Dday (and divorced) and it's still very much a daily thought process. It's a gift that keeps on giving. They do the crime and we do the time. As far as I can tell, it's a 2-5 year sentence whether you reconcile or divorce. I feel like I am starting to get towards normal but I also recently went back on ADs, probably due to the finality of the D.

 

I suggest you cut yourself some slack. Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" at all. There's no silver bullet. It's seeing his consistent actions over time that will matter the most. When you have anxiety, address it. Ask the questions and insist on the transparency and quit blaming yourself for it.

 

Otherwise, try not to let it ruin the rest of your life. Some people manage to designate set times for affair-related discussions or use a journal to write back and forth to one another. You can start to control how much of your life you will commit to it.

 

No kidding (re the bolded)!

 

I know it will take me a long time to work through this and the obsessing part bothers me as much as any detail regarding the affair. I have started journaling and it's helped a bit. I'm able to set it to the side once I'm done writing and then not think about it so much.