Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I feel bad for your boyfriend. Says the guy who harps CONSTANTLY on women's bust sizes and weight, and talks about how he'd date a girl he isn't into as "practice." Yeah, whatever, dude.
SmileFace Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 No, you misunderstood. Your dating life isn't that bad - you have had relationships from them. I can't even say that for myself. Your relationships are bad since you decide to be with these guys. These are two different things - you can not lump them into one. You staying with a guy who won't sleep with you doesn't make your dating life bad - it means you make stupid decisions. And yes you have a choice. I make the choice to wait for the right guy instead of end up in ****ty relationships. Granted being alone is horrible in its own - so I am not just talking out of my ass. You have stated yourself you mention your weight constantly to him - so I see that as nagging. Granted I can't tell you why your boyfriend won't sleep with you - why he is still your boyfriend is beyond me. What do you want us to say - Oh, he must hate your personality? If you aren't happy with it - stop dealing with it. I will not sympathize with any one who decides to deal with stuff that will have a bad outcome. I can't speak for anyone else but you are staying in this relationship - you don't get sympathy your choices. You get out - and try to figure out why this keeps happening.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 No, you misunderstood. Your dating life isn't that bad - you have had relationships from them. I can't even say that for myself. Your relationships are bad since you decide to be with these guys. These are two different things - you can not lump them into one. You staying with a guy who won't sleep with you doesn't make your dating life bad - it means you make stupid decisions. And yes you have a choice. I make the choice to wait for the right guy instead of end up in ****ty relationships. Granted being alone is horrible in its own - so I am not just talking out of my ass. So let me get this straight.... I have only been in relationships because I decided to date guys who aren't into me (the only guys available.) If I hadn't, I would have never dated. And that somehow means my dating life isn't bad?? That my choices are "be alone forever" or "date guys who aren't that into you?" I'm pretty sure having only those two options means your dating life IS bad. You have stated yourself you mention your weight constantly to him - so I see that as nagging. Granted I can't tell you why your boyfriend won't sleep with you - why he is still your boyfriend is beyond me. What do you want us to say - Oh, he must hate your personality? If you aren't happy with it - stop dealing with it. I will not sympathize with any one who decides to deal with stuff that will have a bad outcome. I can't speak for anyone else but you are staying in this relationship - you don't get sympathy your choices. You get out - and try to figure out why this keeps happening. So I get out, and then come here complaining about how no one will date me, and then I get slammed with "well you HAD a boyfriend, you should have stayed with him!" It is a complete no-win situation for me. You refuse to give me sympathy in ANY scenario. Pray tell, in what situation would I finally earn ANY pity or empathy from you?
Janesays Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 La, la, la, I just wrote a post with a good point that was ignored. La, la, la, it's fun being me. 1
tman666 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 V, have you asked your boyfriend, point blank, why he won't sleep with you? It'd be interesting to see his response. Janesays brought up some good points. Not to say you're wrong-maybe he's just not attracted to you. But you should probably try to find out for sure before just assuming that lack of attraction is the reason he won't touch you.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Maybe it REALLY has nothing to do with you. Maybe he feel uncomfortable with his ability to 'please' a woman. Maybe he has low testosterone. Maybe he's embarrassed by his OWN body? Maybe he's ashamed because he thinks his dick is too small? I've know guys who have avoided sex with women, overweight and stunning alike, for these issues....and not because they weren't physically attracted to their partners. There ya go, not ignoring you, happy? He hasn't avoided sex any time in the past. He had lots and lots and lots of sex with his ex-gf from ages 16-18. When we dated in the past, he didn't have problems initiating sex. He also masturbates daily, and doesn't seem to feel any shame for his body (at least, no shame that he hasn't already felt for years.) The drop-off is also very sudden; in the first month, him initiating was very frequent, and now it's non-existent. The ONLY circumstance that has changed is I've gained weight. I was 112 when we got back together, and now I am 130 pounds.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 V, have you asked your boyfriend, point blank, why he won't sleep with you? It'd be interesting to see his response. Janesays brought up some good points. Not to say you're wrong-maybe he's just not attracted to you. But you should probably try to find out for sure before just assuming that lack of attraction is the reason he won't touch you. Yes, I did, and he gave me some BS speech about how he "doesn't want me to feel like I'm being objectified." Except he had no trouble "objectifying" me when we first got together.
SmileFace Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I have never said - you should have stayed in any of your relationships since they all sounded pretty messed up. However getting to a relationship is goal in it self to many. Plus you don't need my sympathy and probably will never get it. My life has **** ups and goes on and so will yours. It is life. You learn to live with it.
tman666 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Pray tell, in what situation would I finally earn ANY pity or empathy from you? So let's assume for a minute that you came on here one day and started a thread about your woes, and you received responses that unanimously empathized with you and pitied your situation. Then what? I'm sure it'd feel good, but at the end of the day, would your situation and outlook on life change? 1
iris219 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Yes, I did, and he gave me some BS speech about how he "doesn't want me to feel like I'm being objectified." Except he had no trouble "objectifying" me when we first got together. What does this even mean? Did you ask him to explain? How he always viewed sex as female objectification? If so, it sounds like he has issues.
tman666 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 There ya go, not ignoring you, happy? He hasn't avoided sex any time in the past. He had lots and lots and lots of sex with his ex-gf from ages 16-18. When we dated in the past, he didn't have problems initiating sex. He also masturbates daily, and doesn't seem to feel any shame for his body (at least, no shame that he hasn't already felt for years.) The drop-off is also very sudden; in the first month, him initiating was very frequent, and now it's non-existent. The ONLY circumstance that has changed is I've gained weight. I was 112 when we got back together, and now I am 130 pounds. Well, I hate to say it, but maybe your weight gain has turned him off. It happens. It happened to my brother, actually. His girlfriend (at the time) had gained a significant amount of weight over the years he was with her. He basically tried to soldier on as long as he could, but it got to a point where he simply couldn't get it up for this girl. It didn't help that she went ballistic every time he tried to (gently) bring up the fact that her weight was starting to impede his attraction to her. So yes, it can happen. BUT: To me, his response about "not objectifying you" is an obvious line of horse manure. Unless you're dating some weirdo hipster male-feminist, that sounds made up.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 So let's assume for a minute that you came on here one day and started a thread about your woes, and you received responses that unanimously empathized with you and pitied your situation. Then what? I'm sure it'd feel good, but at the end of the day, would your situation and outlook on life change? It might a little. It'd make me feel less alone, which would make me feel less hostile. It would make me feel like I didn't need to be AS loud about my own experiences, because other people could relate/emphasize. It would mean that every time I saw yet another thread on this forum bashing fat/ugly women, or guys going on and on and ON about hot women, I wouldn't feel so defensive because I wouldn't feel like I was the only one in the world with these problems. Sometimes I feel like I have to be The Representative for Ugly Women, because it seems like no one discusses their experiences. Their existence is denied or downplayed. You see posters being like "Oh well I know so-and-so," but it is rare to see another female poster on this board SAY they are one. So fat/ugly women's experiences get ignored, because no one will admit to being one, and so their existence seems to be in question. People tell me to go to the mall and see all the "different types of people." And that's true, they exist. But I also go to other places, places you have to go, like the laundromat and the grocery store late at night and the like, and I see so many women like me, alone and ignored. I've even spoken to these women sometimes (mostly at cons), and they confirm they feel ignored and marginalized, that when they discuss dating people just tell them to "get skinnier" or "dress better." Unlike me, they shove their feelings down deep, because there's apparently nothing more pathetic than a fat desperate lady.... they don't really go out into public, they don't really do online dating. They just exist in a state of sad surrender, feeling that there is nothing they can do, and moreover, that they'd receive no sympathy or support for the things they HAVE done. That's how I feel. That sometimes I feel like I have to scream to be heard. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be acknowledged as a person with legitimate concerns and experiences. Maybe it wouldn't impact my life in a huge way, but it'd make me feel more human, more respected, more supported. Like I could stop shouting to be heard.
tman666 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 It might a little. It'd make me feel less alone, which would make me feel less hostile. It would make me feel like I didn't need to be AS loud about my own experiences, because other people could relate/emphasize. It would mean that every time I saw yet another thread on this forum bashing fat/ugly women, or guys going on and on and ON about hot women, I wouldn't feel so defensive because I wouldn't feel like I was the only one in the world with these problems. Sometimes I feel like I have to be The Representative for Ugly Women, because it seems like no one discusses their experiences. Their existence is denied or downplayed. You see posters being like "Oh well I know so-and-so," but it is rare to see another female poster on this board SAY they are one. So fat/ugly women's experiences get ignored, because no one will admit to being one, and so their existence seems to be in question. People tell me to go to the mall and see all the "different types of people." And that's true, they exist. But I also go to other places, places you have to go, like the laundromat and the grocery store late at night and the like, and I see so many women like me, alone and ignored. I've even spoken to these women sometimes (mostly at cons), and they confirm they feel ignored and marginalized, that when they discuss dating people just tell them to "get skinnier" or "dress better." Unlike me, they shove their feelings down deep, because there's apparently nothing more pathetic than a fat desperate lady.... they don't really go out into public, they don't really do online dating. They just exist in a state of sad surrender, feeling that there is nothing they can do, and moreover, that they'd receive no sympathy or support for the things they HAVE done. That's how I feel. That sometimes I feel like I have to scream to be heard. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be acknowledged as a person with legitimate concerns and experiences. Maybe it wouldn't impact my life in a huge way, but it'd make me feel more human, more respected, more supported. Like I could stop shouting to be heard. I can understand this thought process. What I don't get is why you'd be ok with relegating yourself to the life of one of those lonely people you see at the laundromat/grocery store late a night. I certainly have no problem with you wanting to be heard and validated. I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet wants that. That said, I'd sure love to see you start a thread on here someday reporting that you'd made some progress in improving your self image and outlook on life. I don't think it'd be long from there when you'd start finding the fulfillment from relationships you want and need. People are digging deep to try to come up with anything they think might help you get to that point. 1
ThaWholigan Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I can understand this thought process. What I don't get is why you'd be ok with relegating yourself to the life of one of those lonely people you see at the laundromat/grocery store late a night. I certainly have no problem with you wanting to be heard and validated. I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet wants that. That said, I'd sure love to see you start a thread on here someday reporting that you'd made some progress in improving your self image and outlook on life. I don't think it'd be long from there when you'd start finding the fulfillment from relationships you want and need. People are digging deep to try to come up with anything they think might help you get to that point. Precisely why I try not to just sympathize over and over again. It's like enabling someone to do something that harms them to me - I would feel negligent and wrong. 1
Zed Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 It might a little. It'd make me feel less alone, which would make me feel less hostile. It would make me feel like I didn't need to be AS loud about my own experiences, because other people could relate/emphasize. It would mean that every time I saw yet another thread on this forum bashing fat/ugly women, or guys going on and on and ON about hot women, I wouldn't feel so defensive because I wouldn't feel like I was the only one in the world with these problems. Sometimes I feel like I have to be The Representative for Ugly Women, because it seems like no one discusses their experiences. Their existence is denied or downplayed. You see posters being like "Oh well I know so-and-so," but it is rare to see another female poster on this board SAY they are one. So fat/ugly women's experiences get ignored, because no one will admit to being one, and so their existence seems to be in question. People tell me to go to the mall and see all the "different types of people." And that's true, they exist. But I also go to other places, places you have to go, like the laundromat and the grocery store late at night and the like, and I see so many women like me, alone and ignored. I've even spoken to these women sometimes (mostly at cons), and they confirm they feel ignored and marginalized, that when they discuss dating people just tell them to "get skinnier" or "dress better." Unlike me, they shove their feelings down deep, because there's apparently nothing more pathetic than a fat desperate lady.... they don't really go out into public, they don't really do online dating. They just exist in a state of sad surrender, feeling that there is nothing they can do, and moreover, that they'd receive no sympathy or support for the things they HAVE done. That's how I feel. That sometimes I feel like I have to scream to be heard. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be acknowledged as a person with legitimate concerns and experiences. Maybe it wouldn't impact my life in a huge way, but it'd make me feel more human, more respected, more supported. Like I could stop shouting to be heard. Well I am an unattractive woman, but I see no reason to complain about it, especially on this board. Its not worth it in the long run and nothing is achieved by trying to elicit empathy from others and will only heap on abuse because you are not doing "x,y,z" to mitigate unattractiveness. The only benefit that I have gleaned is that because men ignore you, it is easier to observe their behavior and that of others. So even though you feel strongly enough to share your voice in the wilderness, a lot of us just don't have the energy. remember people are reading you, they are just not logged in or even members of this site, and they may silently agree.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 I can understand this thought process. What I don't get is why you'd be ok with relegating yourself to the life of one of those lonely people you see at the laundromat/grocery store late a night. I certainly have no problem with you wanting to be heard and validated. I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet wants that. That said, I'd sure love to see you start a thread on here someday reporting that you'd made some progress in improving your self image and outlook on life. I don't think it'd be long from there when you'd start finding the fulfillment from relationships you want and need. People are digging deep to try to come up with anything they think might help you get to that point. Why shouldn't I relegate myself to that life, if that's what's coming? We can't all be fantastic, we can't all have satisfactory lives. There aren't enough amazing jobs/spouses to go around. Some people are going to lose out. Based on my experiences and what is sad to me and about me, why wouldn't I assume I'm one? Of course you'd love to see it; people despise facing bleak realities. "There but for the grace of God go I." I think a lot of people are terrified of facing truths like the idea that some people DO end up alone and unloved.... maybe even through no fault of their own. The universe is big and large and difficult to control. It seems a lot of people want to believe they achieved things in their life through their own boot-strappness/"positive" attitude. Having to face difficult realities.... like the idea that someone can end up alone, that a person can be fundamentally unattractive, that someone can be unemployed for long stretches of time despite pounding the pavement.... take away the feeling of control, the idea that positivity is somehow a shield against the harsher things in life. I didn't start off negative. I didn't crawl out into the world thinking I was ugly. These beliefs have been built, brick by brick, by my environment. If you grew up with everyone telling you the sky was blue, would you suddenly turn around and insist it's green? If you grew up being told this ONE THING over and over again, why in the world assume you're wrong?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 We can't all be fantastic, we can't all have satisfactory lives. Being fantastic and having a satisfactory life are not equivalent. Most people who have the kind of first world problems we read about on this forum, for the most part, can certainly get to a place where a satisfactory life is possible. If they want to. 1
tman666 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 If you grew up being told this ONE THING over and over again, why in the world assume you're wrong? Hopefully one would begin to question their reality after being exposed to new information. For example: many people on LS have told you that they don't think you're fat or unattractive. I'm sure there have been others as well that have praised your looks. Of course, there will be people that try to bring you down. Nobody is universally attractive to everyone. Look at it this way. Let's say that only 50 percent of the men you meet find you attractive (just throwing a number out there for the sake of argument-don't read into the number). While it might narrow your options by 50%, you're still being found attractive by 5/10 guys you come across. I highly doubt that 0/10 guys you meet think you're unf*ckable.
Revolver Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 If you listen to this board you would believe only The pretty or hot girls get all the attention, all the dates, only ones getting married, having kids etc:laugh: But of course we know that's a bunch of crap
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Hopefully one would begin to question their reality after being exposed to new information. For example: many people on LS have told you that they don't think you're fat or unattractive. I'm sure there have been others as well that have praised your looks. Of course, there will be people that try to bring you down. Nobody is universally attractive to everyone. Look at it this way. Let's say that only 50 percent of the men you meet find you attractive (just throwing a number out there for the sake of argument-don't read into the number). While it might narrow your options by 50%, you're still being found attractive by 5/10 guys you come across. I highly doubt that 0/10 guys you meet think you're unf*ckable. The only thing LS confirms is that 1) people are overly cloying. NO one will just come out and admit they find a regular poster unattractive. Look at any of the "Post your picture" thread... people are gushing over with compliments, many of which come across as disingenuous but "nice." I sincerely doubt any regular poster on this board would come right out and admit they found someone else ugly. Even Somedude, who regularly blasts women for being fat, won't flat out admit it, instead just subtly implying it (by posting his "required" weights, of which I am not.) 2) What I look like in pictures is not what I look like in real life, so it all might be moot anyway. Furthermore, you "highly doubt," but you don't have proof. You have no evidence to back up your claim that 0% of men found me un****able. Whereas I DO have evidence, by the fact that I never get hit on/messaged online, etc. So, why should I doubt something when I have proof, and believe something that doesn't have any?
Janesays Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 I sincerely doubt any regular poster on this board would come right out and admit they found someone else ugly. Dude, I do all the time. Although, I always, ALWAYS get blasted for it. *shrugs
somedude81 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 The only thing LS confirms is that 1) people are overly cloying. NO one will just come out and admit they find a regular poster unattractive. Look at any of the "Post your picture" thread... people are gushing over with compliments, many of which come across as disingenuous but "nice." I sincerely doubt any regular poster on this board would come right out and admit they found someone else ugly. Even Somedude, who regularly blasts women for being fat, won't flat out admit it, instead just subtly implying it (by posting his "required" weights, of which I am not.) ROFL! I have seen some pictures of regular female members who turned out to be really ugly. In that situation, I simply don't make a comment about their picture and instead only talk about the hot girls. In other words if I praise a woman's looks, I'm being completely honest and I really do believe that she looks good.
Author verhrzn Posted November 21, 2012 Author Posted November 21, 2012 Dude, I do all the time. Although, I always, ALWAYS get blasted for it. *shrugs That is too bad. I quite appreciate honesty. Well, since you have a track record for honesty I think I would be less dismissive of your opinion.
Lonely Ronin Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 NO one will just come out and admit they find a regular poster unattractive. Look at any of the "Post your picture" thread... people are gushing over with compliments, many of which come across as disingenuous but "nice." I sincerely doubt any regular poster on this board would come right out and admit they found someone else ugly. 1. While most people might find a given person un-attractive, most people find very few people ugly. I can think of women I don't find attractive, i can't really think of anyone i know or have seen that that makes me go omg your hideous get away from me. 2. even if someone thought someone else was ugly, 99% of people aren't ignorant, obnoxious, or or arrogant enough to say something. Someone yelling at somone on the street says more about the person doing the yelling than the person they are yelling at.
Janesays Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 That is too bad. I quite appreciate honesty. Well, since you have a track record for honesty I think I would be less dismissive of your opinion. Eh, I'm not going to lie to anyone. Personally, I think people put too much stock in outward appearance. I mean, I just want to say to some people, "So you're ugly. Big deal. We're all going to end up old and saggy someday, you're just ahead of the curve." With that said, that's not directed at you as I have no idea what you look like. But if you were ugly, I'd say so.
Recommended Posts