When To Stop Dating?

[verhrzn]

So dump him.

 

Why wait for him to do it?

 

Plus I don't think you should be dating at all. Not because of your weight but because of your negative image of yourself - I don't care how you rationalize it and I live in the real world so this isn't an alternate talking.

 

Because if I dump him, I have to deal with EXTRA negativity. I have to deal with him going around making me out to be the bad guy to all our mutual friends.... I have to deal with the responsibility of the one who "destroyed" a relationship.... I have to deal with people lecturing me on how I "threw away" a good guy and how I'm too picky.... I will never, ever be able to say that my boyfriend didn't love me because I dumped him.

 

People make an automatic assumption that if someone is dating you, it means they like you. People on LS do it all the time. So, if I dump him, I am no longer "sympathetic" because I dumped a guy who "obviously liked you, or why would you be dating him?"

 

The only way I get out of the relationship without having to shoulder all the blame and hostility is if he dumps me.

[veggirl]

Because if I dump him, I have to deal with EXTRA negativity. I have to deal with him going around making me out to be the bad guy to all our mutual friends.... I have to deal with the responsibility of the one who "destroyed" a relationship.... I have to deal with people lecturing me on how I "threw away" a good guy and how I'm too picky.... I will never, ever be able to say that my boyfriend didn't love me because I dumped him.

 

People make an automatic assumption that if someone is dating you, it means they like you. People on LS do it all the time. So, if I dump him, I am no longer "sympathetic" because I dumped a guy who "obviously liked you, or why would you be dating him?"

 

The only way I get out of the relationship without having to shoulder all the blame and hostility is if he dumps me.

 

FFS. Do you hang out with a bunch of high schoolers or something? You tell them "look my relationship was my business, and it wasn't working out. Drop it."

 

People break up, god s.hit happens. If you really want you could say "well I'm not sure he liked me considering he wouldn't even sleep with me"

 

Blame and hositility? lol from WHO?!

[xxoo]

Fat people can have happy relationships.

 

Unattractive people can have happy relationships.

 

Very unhappy people will have a tougher time.

 

Dating seems like torture for you. In your shoes, I'd likely stop dating, and spend my time doing things that bring me peace and joy.

[verhrzn]

Most martial arts training isn't that strenuous, I've always had the impression from reading your fitness threads that the intensity wasn't there, certainly not to match increased appetite. 2-3 hours itself is meaningless if we don't know what it is.

 

A lot of this just doesn't make sense. I'm having a hard time deciding whether you make up half of it just to prove your own points

 

Then go look at my profile on NerdFitness.com. Should I scan in my workout log for you? My profile includes all of my threads about my workout routine and a link to the site I used to track calories.

 

Fine, here's an example of the first month (out of 4) of my black belt:

 

-Basics. Start with white belt. 4-7 basics with each belt, 9 belts. Do basics both sides, jump parque in between. For example:

 

Half Black Basic Number One: Standing front/hook heel/side kick (don't put your foot down between each kick), jump spin heel, low spin heel, jump antanne, reverse punch. Now jump up to switch your feet so your reverse foot is now in front and do it again, then move onto basics #2.

 

Go through the entire basic set 3 times through. Then do each kick both sides, standing, reverse, advancing: front, chop, side, back, heel hook, spinning, antanne, parantanne.

 

Finish off the night with 20-30 knuckle push-ups.

 

That was month one. Are you satisfied at my amount of exercise yet, or do I have to post videos?

[SmileFace]

Because if I dump him, I have to deal with EXTRA negativity. I have to deal with him going around making me out to be the bad guy to all our mutual friends.... I have to deal with the responsibility of the one who "destroyed" a relationship.... I have to deal with people lecturing me on how I "threw away" a good guy and how I'm too picky.... I will never, ever be able to say that my boyfriend didn't love me because I dumped him.

 

People make an automatic assumption that if someone is dating you, it means they like you. People on LS do it all the time. So, if I dump him, I am no longer "sympathetic" because I dumped a guy who "obviously liked you, or why would you be dating him?"

 

The only way I get out of the relationship without having to shoulder all the blame and hostility is if he dumps me.

 

V you aren't 5. Break up with him.

[Emilia]

Fine, here's an example of the first month (out of 4) of my black belt:

 

-Basics. Start with white belt. 4-7 basics with each belt, 9 belts. Do basics both sides, jump parque in between. For example:

 

Half Black Basic Number One: Standing front/hook heel/side kick (don't put your foot down between each kick), jump spin heel, low spin heel, jump antanne, reverse punch. Now jump up to switch your feet so your reverse foot is now in front and do it again, then move onto basics #2.

 

Go through the entire basic set 3 times through. Then do each kick both sides, standing, reverse, advancing: front, chop, side, back, heel hook, spinning, antanne, parantanne.

 

Finish off the night with 20-30 knuckle push-ups.

 

That was month one. Are you satisfied at my amount of exercise yet, or do I have to post videos?

 

But this is like cardio. Probably not even anaerobic, only aerobic. I can see why it would be demanding on your joints and get you greater flexibility but not really how it is supposed to get you really fit/lose weight.

[Drseussgrrl]

Good lord, V. For starters, YES. ONLY DATE PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU.

 

I'm really not understanding you at all. You date a guy who doesn't have sex with you, doesn't like you, yet you're too afraid to set yourself free because of what he might say to other people?

 

Why do you give a rat's ass what they think if you're so miserable with him? True friends would support you.

 

I'll say it again. Your body type is not the problem here. The way you feel about yourself IS. It's nearly impossible to date successfully without your self-esteem intact.

[Content]

Can you take a look around you for a second and see that there are people in all shapes and sizes in relationships?

 

You seem to have these glasses on that only see female models in relationships..most people walking around are quite average or a little above or below..

[tman666]

V, we have no way of telling how intense your workouts were. As Emilia said, saying that you did martial arts and pushups is sort of meaningless due to the wide range of intensities it could encompass. The same problem lies in anyone listing what they do to work out on the internet.

 

Without specific reps, weights, and timeframe, it lacks meaning. You were on the right track with the fitness website you were on. You had good support, a decent level of knowledge and experience to draw off of, and a place where it was appropriate for you to log your training/diet and get meaningful feedback.

 

I've always believed in pursuing performance goals rather than aesthetic goals. You seem to be focused primarily on whether or not you lost or gained weight/dimensions. How did your performance fare?

 

Every person I know who is in great shape looks it (i.e. they've reached their aesthetic goals through increased performance). That's not to say that they're all beautiful people, and it's not to say that there aren't plenty of girls at the gym that pretty much had bikini-model bodies from the second they finished puberty. But to reaffirm: everyone I know who is in great shape looks the part. If you weren't blessed with perfect genetics (and truthfully, the vast majority of us aren't), then the pursuit of performance goals is the route to reaching your full aesthetic potential.

[guildenstern]

So you have clinical depression but you stopped taking your meds... The things that help you think clearer and feel better about your life... And you feel bad about your life. Your not in the right mind to decide whats good for you. You know your depressed, it changes how you think and feel, and you know your not treating it. You have to admit that anything you say now isn't as true or real as if you were still on the pills. I'm not your doctor and I don't know what you've tried, but when you say that antidepressants always make you gain weight your wrong. My last housemate spent months trying out different pills until she started one called wellbutrim I think, which doesn't have sexual or weight gain side effects. I remember it clearly because she made a really big deal about it at the time.

 

You want to feel better and you know that the pills make you feel better, so make taking them a priority. I don't understand, do you not want to feel better? WTH is the point of making a thread if you don't want to feel better?

[Mrlonelyone]

OP I think of that every day no matter what my relationship prospects feel like. I wonder will I ever find someone who openly and publicly embrace me as their partner/wife/husband? Or will I always at best be a sexual curiosity?

[verhrzn]

V, we have no way of telling how intense your workouts were. As Emilia said, saying that you did martial arts and pushups is sort of meaningless due to the wide range of intensities it could encompass. The same problem lies in anyone listing what they do to work out on the internet.

 

Without specific reps, weights, and timeframe, it lacks meaning. You were on the right track with the fitness website you were on. You had good support, a decent level of knowledge and experience to draw off of, and a place where it was appropriate for you to log your training/diet and get meaningful feedback.

 

I've always believed in pursuing performance goals rather than aesthetic goals. You seem to be focused primarily on whether or not you lost or gained weight/dimensions. How did your performance fare?

 

Every person I know who is in great shape looks it (i.e. they've reached their aesthetic goals through increased performance). That's not to say that they're all beautiful people, and it's not to say that there aren't plenty of girls at the gym that pretty much had bikini-model bodies from the second they finished puberty. But to reaffirm: everyone I know who is in great shape looks the part. If you weren't blessed with perfect genetics (and truthfully, the vast majority of us aren't), then the pursuit of performance goals is the route to reaching your full aesthetic potential.

 

What the **** ever. I give up. Fine, I'm a big fat moron is too dumb to figure out how to exercise or eat effectively, despite spending HUNDREDS of hours researching it and working with dozens of doctors and trainers and nutrionists.

 

It can't POSSIBLY be that some people really are just fat, no matter what they try. Nope, we're all just lazy morons.

 

God why do I even bother with this site? You guys are so self-righteous about your looks and your experiences you allow no room for anyone else's. "Well all the people I know who works out look great!" "Well I know some fat women who are in relationships, so obviously it's a not big deal.'

 

Forget the mountain of articles showing that weight loss doesn't last past 5 years, that fat women by a huge majority ARE treated awfully in this society and DO have a much harder time dating.... Nope, it must all be my attitude.

 

****ing forget it.

[veggirl]

No one is denying that fat men OR women may have a harder time dating (esp at your age) but you seem to think it is not possible. S.hit have you really NEVER seen someone who is not gorgeous in a happy relationship? Let me guess...the guys you know who date fat or ugly girls are secretly boning the hot girl at the office. And the girls you know are all beautiful so they don't have to date ugly or fat guys.

 

I mean damn walk around the mall or something. You will find lots of...interesting...looking people in relationships with each other. I suppose it is POSSIBLE that they are all miserable and settling and just waiting to upgrade though

 

If dating makes you SO miserable then YES you should throw in the towel. Adopt a cat!

[Drseussgrrl]

You just want people to post what it is that you already feel about yourself.

 

So fine - yep, you're ugly and fat, and depressed. There is no solution whatsoever. You've tried everything, so you might as well give up.

 

Sorry V - but you're a drama queen and it really is as simple as that.

 

I'm out.

[iris219]

 

It can't POSSIBLY be that some people really are just fat, no matter what they try. Nope, we're all just lazy morons.

 

V, I've agreed with you on this one several times, but you've ignored me. I'll try again though.

 

Yes, some people are naturally bigger. I work out with women who are more fit than I am (tri-athletes), but some are not thin. Some are dumpy women with flabby stomachs. And they do intense training.

 

Most women will never look like Victoria Secret models no matter what they do. I've noticed that even thin girls often have weird bodies in bikinis. We can all work out and look our personal best, but that is going to be dramatically different for everyone.

[tman666]

What the **** ever. I give up. Fine, I'm a big fat moron is too dumb to figure out how to exercise or eat effectively, despite spending HUNDREDS of hours researching it and working with dozens of doctors and trainers and nutrionists.

 

It can't POSSIBLY be that some people really are just fat, no matter what they try. Nope, we're all just lazy morons.

 

God why do I even bother with this site? You guys are so self-righteous about your looks and your experiences you allow no room for anyone else's. "Well all the people I know who works out look great!" "Well I know some fat women who are in relationships, so obviously it's a not big deal.'

 

Forget the mountain of articles showing that weight loss doesn't last past 5 years, that fat women by a huge majority ARE treated awfully in this society and DO have a much harder time dating.... Nope, it must all be my attitude.

 

****ing forget it.

 

Ok, I'll admit that fat women are definitely treated worse and have a much harder time dating than their svelte counterparts.

 

What of it? Is it fair? No, of course not. But that's the world we live in. You learn to play with the cards you have or you change hands if you can.

 

I never said that "everyone I know who works out looks great". Re-read my post, if you're so inclined. I'm trying to point out that everyone I know who is strong, explosive, fast, and has good conditioning levels look the part. Again, maximizing your performance abilities will, in my experience, illicit positive changes in your physique, provided you're not completely wiping out your progress with a piss-poor diet.

 

Also, it's very difficult for me (and I assume other posters as well) to want to continue to try and give you what I believe to be sound advice when you twist words and throw fits. I apologize if the advice I'm trying to give seems self-righteous to you.

[Emilia]

Sorry V but I do have a hard time believing some of your claims, you always say you can't afford stuff yet you would be able to spend hundreds of hours with doctors, trainers and nutritioninsts? That's not to say that you should I just think that you distort the truth and that makes it hard for anyone to try to help you.

 

Besides, you started the thread, it's a pretty provoking one. I fail to understand what you had thought you would achieve?

[ThaWholigan]

Sorry V but I do have a hard time believing some of your claims, you always say you can't afford stuff yet you would be able to spend hundreds of hours with doctors, trainers and nutritioninsts? That's not to say that you should I just think that you distort the truth and that makes it hard for anyone to try to help you.

 

Besides, you started the thread, it's a pretty provoking one. I fail to understand what you had thought you would achieve?

What she always hopes to achieve, which is for us to agree with her and simply say, there there it's OK, yes dating sucks. It is the allowance to be pissed off and complain. Pretty much like the guys here yesterday.

[verhrzn]

What she always hopes to achieve, which is for us to agree with her and simply say, there there it's OK, yes dating sucks. It is the allowance to be pissed off and complain. Pretty much like the guys here yesterday.

 

God forbid sympathy and understanding ever be extended.

[ThaWholigan]

God forbid sympathy and understanding ever be extended.

I didn't say forbid. I'd rather impart things that would uplift - I don't see how mollycoddling helps.

 

Having said that, it gets tiring to read all the time. Still, there's always the ignore list.

[somedude81]

Do you think that your boyfriend is happy being in a relationship with you? Or that he's only with you because he thinks you are the best he can get?

[SmileFace]

God forbid sympathy and understanding ever be extended.

Sympathy for what?

 

That you are in a relationship?

That you have had several relationship?

 

Understanding? Of what, may I ask?

 

That you think so low of yourself that you start threads like this?

 

Sympathy and understanding isn't something that should be extended in any of you circumstances.

 

Yes, I feel sympathy for and understand that you think so low of yourself that you care more about what your friends who already seem like a bunch of jerks think about you - and rather stay in a relationship with someone you aren't happy with?

 

However have you actually thought about why your boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with you?

 

How much have you nagged him about your weight?

Or made him feel bad about your size?

[verhrzn]

Sympathy for what?

 

That you are in a relationship?

That you have had several relationship?

 

Understanding? Of what, may I ask?

 

That you think so low of yourself that you start threads like this?

 

Sympathy and understanding isn't something that should be extended in any of you circumstances.

 

Yes, I feel sympathy for and understand that you think so low of yourself that you care more about what your friends who already seem like a bunch of jerks think about you - and rather stay in a relationship with someone you aren't happy with?

 

However have you actually thought about why your boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with you?

 

How much have you nagged him about your weight?

Or made him feel bad about your size?

 

Sympathy that only guys who can't do any better will date me. Sympathy that dating is extremely difficult for me.

 

And THIS is what I mean when I say I don't feel I have the right to dump him. I come on here, talking about how guys I've dated have been incredibly cruel about my looks/body.... and all you guys say is "Well they dated you, you had relationships, so you don't get any sympathy."

 

Do you realize how harsh that is? That I get treated badly, and STILL don't get sympathy unless the guy actually dumps me first? If I dump HIM, then it's "Well you HAD a relationship, why did you throw it away, it's your fault you have such trouble dating, you COULD be in a relationship."

 

The only thing I've nagged him about is to stop lying. He is not physically affectionate with me, and yet when I make a passing comment about my weight, he immediately does the whole "Oh you're not fat." Bull-****. If I'm not fat/ugly, then why won't he touch me? I mean, geez, he won't just ADMIT it. That's what really pisses me off.... acting in a certain way, but denying the reality with your words.

 

It's like if someone tells you you're fantastic, gorgeous, amazing, smart, funny, everything they want in a woman.... but doesn't want to date/have sex with you.... then there's obviously something they're not telling you.

 

People cover up their bad behavior with words, but the behaviors are still there. He won't sleep with me, he won't admit WHY he won't sleep with me, and he won't dump me, but apparently just because I'm in a relationship, I should receive no sympathy for any of this?

 

How in the world would I make HIM feel bad about my size??

[somedude81]

Do you realize how harsh that is? That I get treated badly, and STILL don't get sympathy unless the guy actually dumps me first? If I dump HIM, then it's "Well you HAD a relationship, why did you throw it away, it's your fault you have such trouble dating, you COULD be in a relationship."

 

The only thing I've nagged him about is to stop lying. He is not physically affectionate with me, and yet when I make a passing comment about my weight, he immediately does the whole "Oh you're not fat." Bull-****. If I'm not fat/ugly, then why won't he touch me? I mean, geez, he won't just ADMIT it. That's what really pisses me off.... acting in a certain way, but denying the reality with your words.

I feel bad for your boyfriend.

[Janesays]

People cover up their bad behavior with words, but the behaviors are still there. He won't sleep with me, he won't admit WHY he won't sleep with me, and he won't dump me, but apparently just because I'm in a relationship, I should receive no sympathy for any of this?

 

How in the world would I make HIM feel bad about my size??

 

Maybe it REALLY has nothing to do with you. Maybe he feel uncomfortable with his ability to 'please' a woman. Maybe he has low testosterone. Maybe he's embarrassed by his OWN body? Maybe he's ashamed because he thinks his dick is too small?

 

I've know guys who have avoided sex with women, overweight and stunning alike, for these issues....and not because they weren't physically attracted to their partners.